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babygirl88
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I am depressed... SO depressed... I don't know what to do.


------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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You've had issues with depression before: have you talked to a doctor or counselor about it yet?
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babygirl88
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Well, I practically begged my parents to let me see a therapist a while ago... So I started seeing one once a week, and she was great. I don't know how much it helped, but I enjoyed her company a lot. I don't know if I'd want to do it again. Um, but during one visit everything in my life was just falling apart, kind of like right now, and my therapist and I invited my stepmom in to the room so we could discuss coping methods for when things at home get stressful. My stepmom reacted in such an extreme manner that she blew up at my therapist, then she and I both left crying... Me because that's when I realized it was hopeless to reason with my stepmom in any sort of way, and my stepmom because she was so pissed off at my therapist for trying to make her MAYBE, POSSIBLY look at herself as something besides a god. I never even got to say goodbye :-( I never saw my therapist again-- My stepmom, as she tells me, doesn't want to waste her time, energy, or gas money on me. Although I swear all the money in her life is actually my dad's.

Well, I have always had problems with depression, and I'm starting to think anxiety as well. I just don't believe in meds, though. Maybe my feelings or views on this will change, but for right now I just don't think they are a good choice. I grew up in an abusive household (physical, verbal, mental...) and my life has always been really rough.... Now I live with my stepmom, who I swear is abusive as well. She only hits me when she's drunk, but she is awful to me.

My current goal is just to make it through my last year of high school-- and living in this god-forsaken house-- both alive and with a diploma.

I am looking forward to my future, and I think that once I get out of the house and out on my own I will better be able to determine whether or not my depression is situational. Once I move out I know things will be a lot better for me, so I'll be a lot happier....

I just hope I can find a way to get through things in the meantime.

Right now is especially bad just because my dad is out of the country on yet another business trip. He's been away one week, and he'll back back in one more. I called him today with like nothing to say... I've just gotten so depressed over the past few days.... I was actually sitting in a parking lot of some ghetto outside work because I didn't want to go home. I stayed there a while..... A while meaning a few hours.... Just to avoid having to face my stepmom. When I called I actually asked him if I had permission to stay at work a while longer than usual. It was so stupid.... But luckily, he saw through that and later I got a voice message from him on my phone. He said he could tell there was a bigger problem that I hadn't addressed when I called him. It made me cry. I wish I could talk to him, but A. He doesn't have time for me and B. Just like my stepmom, my dad thinks that my stepmom is perfect, in charge, and worthy of endless praise. So he defends her and says it's ME who needs to shape up~ Argh, this is especially frustrating.

I KNOW my home life isn't normal... I also know that there is hardly a definition that can be placed on the term "normal" that I just coined so cleverly.... However, my stepmom is REALLY bad to me. And I've accepted that there is just nothing I can do until I'm old enough to move out.... Come on, ten more months!! I hope I can make it.


------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


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ceresbaistat
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You're under 18, right?

If so, CPS is always an option. Whether she's drunk or not, your stepmom hitting you is child abuse. From what I understand, all you have to do is show them someting like a bruise from being hit, and you're out of there, safe and sound.


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Heather
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Per medication, earnestly, doesn't sound like it'd likely be the right thing for you anyway: your depression sounds as if it's likely it's laregly situational, not chemical. And in that case, a chemical fix won't do much. Changing your situation, and then being able to rpocess the trauma you experienced, is more likely to be your ticket.

I'm so sorry you had that experience per your stepparent and a therapist you liked: I recall very intensely having something almost identical happen in my early teens before I left home early. That's a crappy situation to be in.

Calling CPS/DCFS, as mentioned, IS an option to get you out of there sooner, and I'd suggest you consider it. If you do feel you can make it ten more months, then by all means, you're most likely to know what's best for you. But in some situations, one really can't, so think about what's best for you.

Do you have any extended family you ca call on to live with until you're done with school, perhaps? Might you be able to call your therapist when your Dad gets back and get him in there to try and make clear the level of abuse?


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babygirl88
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Thanks, Miz Scarlet...

All of my family is my stepmom's family.... I haven't seen my birth mom for 6 years, as of this month, actually, and I can't go running to an abusive person who messed up my life in the first place.

The only family I have that I'm RELATED to is an Uncle who lives in a trailer in Cali. He apparently dropped out of HS and has drug problems and no job. I also have a grandfather in Ohio, and he is a SUPER cold and distant person. Like.... On all of the visits I've had with him (not very many... Like two or three), he won't even respond when I talk to him. Haha, those are very lonely visits....

My friend at school, who is two grades below me, said that I could move in with him.... His mom LOVES me. The hard part would just be convincing my dad to let me move out of the house. He would be VIOLENTLY opposed to it, I'm sure.

I almost moved out of my house 4 times this summer. I'm kind of glad I didn't, though, because at the time I was going to move in with a very scary boyfriend who I later found out lied to me about most everything he said.

However, I still have the option of moving into my friend's house.... But I'd need my parent's consent. I DON'T have a clue how I've made it this far through my life. I've just never had a good alternate option than to put up with everything.

I'm already SO upset that I have to go back to the school that has been a living hell for me for the past three years. At this point I'm just hoping I make it okay through this. Last year things were so bad both at home and school; I had no where good to go and no one to go crawling to so I'd go into the bathroom stalls and cry and sometimes cut myself. I cut myself back in June the worst I've ever done it because my stepmom was harassing me about EVERYTHING.

In her eyes, I am dirt. I'm not good enough, and she lets me know it. She makes up all sorts of stories.... Surrounding work, the way I treat other people, etc..... They're awful, and I've never honestly found any to be true. They just make me feel completely worthless.

No one would ever be able to understand because A. my stepmom can FAKE IT, as any mean person can and B. my stepmom is never wrong, if you don't believe me ask her lol.

My dad is coming home saturday....... I can't WAIT...... I still haven't told him what's wrong.... I can't. There is a WALL-- I CAN'T tell him anything is wrong with his precious wife.

This whole situation REALLY makes me wish that my stepmom were physically abusive, so I'd at least have something to show people.

All the strangers I meet who I talk to about my situation really do sympathize, though: Even one of my driving instructors threatened to call the child protection institute or whatever.

I just feel too old for this all to be happening to me. I WISH I had been put into school at a late age so I'd already be 18 and able to do whatever I wanted.

My dad will never see how it is for me. Nothing can possibly be wrong; And if something is wrong it must be me. Actually, in his voice message to me last night he was like "I don't know what the problem is, but help out around the house and make dinner....... I'm not saying it's ENTIRELY your fault, whatever's going on, but it always helps....". I spent all night making dinner.... I always make dinner... I always do chores.... But, ya know, if you ask my stepmom, I'm a selfish b*tch who doesn't do anything for anyone besides myself. I could go on, but I don't really feel like thinking about all the things she says about me.


I really have no way of reaching my dad; That would be a lost cause because I've tried it for years.

I have to go to work.....

Thanks for all of your help

------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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For when you come back:

You'd be surprised how many people with any experience or background in abuse issues WOULD understand this and be able to see inlings: that "faking" is actually incredibly common with abusive people and families. I remember feeling that way, too, though, when I was young -- wishing someone wold see past it. As I got older, what became clear was that plenty of people likely did, they just couldn't/wouldn't act on what they were observing.

I think it might be wrth your while to pursue this alternate living arrangement: what I'd suggest is calling your therapist, and arranging a meeting with your Dad with her. I am pretty sure she'll let you work the finances of that out later. If not, perhaps having your friends mom call CPS or even your father directly is an option. It might be that someone else can -- if not get the message across -- mediate to get you into a better situation through your Dad who isn't you.

And if it's any consolation: plenty of us do get past abusive upbringings in time and get out of them completely; plenty of us have been able to process it all enough to end up being happy, healthy people later on in our lives. It's seriously not easy, but it's doable, and you know already you're strong, so there IS light at the end of the tunnel.

(In cases like yours, too, I'll always say: if you need extra help with this, with figuring out how to get yourself into a better situation, I am glad to provide more, via either hte boards or email. I've done it before here once or twice when it's warranted over the years, even with more direct family mediation, and I can do it again.)

Hang in there.


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Ecofem
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Hi babygirl88,

just to add some of my experience to what Miz Scarlet and tinyrebel said:

When I was a senior in high school, I was in a somewhat similar situation where I was debating leaving home (and quite possibly not finishing high school) and trying to make it through four more very difficult months at home. Ultimately I figured that four months of the intensely hard situation then a lifetime of freedom (I had college with a scholarship lined up) was a better situation than four months of "freedom" away from home and (possibly) a lifetime of hardship.

Of course, your physical and mental safety are most important, but should you have to stay at home, try to keep your future plans and hopes in mind, use your friends' support, and do what you can to stay away from home-- staying after school for clubs, visiting your friend with the supportive mom, studying in the library, etc. (When I think back, it's amazing how well I did my senior year when most people had 'senioritis'.)

But I hope the talk with your dad goes well and that things get better in the immediate future because they WILL get better eventually.

[This message has been edited by Ecofem (edited 08-26-2005).]


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babygirl88
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Thanks...


The problem with talking to my dad is that he'll defend my stepmom, blame me for any problems, and deny that anything seriously bad could possibly be happening. I only know because I've been trying to reach out to him for years.


My friend gave me a pep talk the other night over the phone... About how this is only 10 months of my life... JUST ten..... And I'm trying to view it like that. I'm NOT living here a day past the date on which I'll be turning 18.


I think that involving any agencies or moving out now would just complicate my life beyond what's necessary. I just have that feeling....


I called my ex-therapist yesterday and she left me a message in response... I have no time to call her back today because I'm working from 10am-11pm.


I really can't stand my stepmom. Luckily, my dad is coming home tonight from Germany??


------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


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Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by babygirl88:
The problem with talking to my dad is that he'll defend my stepmom, blame me for any problems, and deny that anything seriously bad could possibly be happening. I only know because I've been trying to reach out to him for years.
That really sucks: From what you wrote that he said, "I don't know what the problem is, but help out around the house and make dinner....... I'm not saying it's ENTIRELY your fault, whatever's going on, but it always helps...." it honestly sounds like he is sort of half-admitting your stepmom is a problem, that he should be doing something but isn't willing to be the strong one in the situation. He is probably scared of your stepmom, too, although it's certainly not an excuse to let the abuse occur!

quote:
My friend gave me a pep talk the other night over the phone... About how this is only 10 months of my life... JUST ten..... And I'm trying to view it like that. I'm NOT living here a day past the date on which I'll be turning 18.
Re: The talk, I had meant more about getting permission to move out. But if you don't think you'd get permission, how would they react to your spending a few nights everyone now and then at your friend's house when your dad's away and it gets really bad? Would your stepmom be glad to have you out of her hair, or would she use it as an excuse to later retaliate?

quote:
I called my ex-therapist yesterday and she left me a message in response... I have no time to call her back today because I'm working from 10am-11pm.
Was the therapy covered by your parents' health insurance? If not, perhaps she has a sliding fee scale for students and other low-income people? You mentioned that your stepmom wasn't willing to drive you-- if public transportation isn't an option, what about asking friends to drive you once a week or every other week? You could give them a few dollars for gas or treat them to coffee as a thank-you.

quote:
I really can't stand my stepmom. Luckily, my dad is coming home tonight from Germany??
This isn't really a solution, but do you think he'd ever be willing to take you along? It'd be a nice break from all the crap at home, and maybe you could phrase it like you want to give your stepmom a mini-break to on her own?

What exactly about school makes it so unbearable? If you can, try to avoid the crappy parts and spend as much time and energy on the parts and people you like or at least don't mind. Surely you have some teachers who would be supportive? I would spend my lunch periods in the art room, and I had another teacher who'd let anyone hang out in her room during pep rallies. Work is a way to avoid being at home; what are some other viable options of places to go/things to do?

Just try to put yourself first: Please don't put yourself in situations like a dangerous parking lot when they're other options, because you've got a positive future waiting for you and you don't want to miss out on that opportunity! It's hard to feel good about yourself when other people make you feel worthless, but you sound like a really strong and smart person. You've gotten through it so far, and were smart to recognize that moving in with a bad boyfriend would just make the situation worse, etc.. Try not to forget the strong, resilient person you are inside despite a difficult situation that makes it hard to see the positive things.

------------------
I was raised to be strong and hard/but if you touch me wrong/I fall apart/I found a woman who's soft but she's also hard/while I slept she nailed down my heart ~morphine~

[This message has been edited by Ecofem (edited 08-27-2005).]


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alamus
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quote:
Originally posted by babygirl88:
Thanks...


The problem with talking to my dad is that he'll defend my stepmom, blame me for any problems, and deny that anything seriously bad could possibly be happening. I only know because I've been trying to reach out to him for years.


My friend gave me a pep talk the other night over the phone... About how this is only 10 months of my life... JUST ten..... And I'm trying to view it like that. I'm NOT living here a day past the date on which I'll be turning 18.


I think that involving any agencies or moving out now would just complicate my life beyond what's necessary. I just have that feeling....


I called my ex-therapist yesterday and she left me a message in response... I have no time to call her back today because I'm working from 10am-11pm.


I really can't stand my stepmom. Luckily, my dad is coming home tonight from Germany??




If this conversation your planning with your father happens, and he still doesn't believe what your stepmother does. You can always get ahold of a tape recorder and record a sampling of what your step mother says to you. In a situation with your trying to move out and get the help of that one organization to help abused kids you can probably present the tape of your step mothers abusive behavior. And if it is called upon of you using the tape recorder as entrapment, then just say that its better than showing a judge the pictures of bruises you have gotten from her in the past. If you have too, you can always bluff, or that is what i would do in your situation. Also, this type of recorded tape could help show your father just how things are for you... and if he still doesn't believe you, well.... you can't make people believe certain things, even if they are undeniable. Just like the people out there who still believe the earth is flat... seriously. There are a group of people out there who believe the earth is flat...just trying to give you a well needed giggle...

I hope you get through this stage in your life, and hope you get the best results from it once its over.


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christinejones
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hey babygirl

hope you're feeling better --- i have the world's worst advice coming up..... but as it is so different from everyone else's i thought variety spice of life and why not?

which is when we were children as a family if something went wrong or we were wondering why x or y happened to us (nothing in the least serious as your situation just stupid niggles) the stock answer to it - which you then had to repeat until you started laughing was because "je suis un con' it's a ridiculous phrase which sort of translates as because i am an *** ....

it kinda sounds better in French --- it's not meant to be serious it's meant more to be like light relief!!!! because my mother decided that if you could get somebody laughing that was half the problem solved (although i was lucky enough to have a very happy childhood so it's not the same situation at all but i thought i would put it out there anyway in case it was of any use?).

i hope that didn't make things worse for you - i wasn't intending to inforce any negative stereotypes or anything just thought that a little humor in your situation (as serious as it is) can be a great defense - i think the term is gallows humor!

well it's a little bit different advice and feel free to ignore at your leisure.... but i think the ability to make people laugh is a really healing gift... my niece of only six has a fantastic sense of being able to make people laugh......!

it would probably quite a challenge if you could get your step-mother to laugh with you - but it might really help too????? there has to be some humanity there (maybe.... i hope). good luck with it!

cj


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Heather
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There's really nothing funny or to laugh about in an abusive situation, christine.

I'm sure you've said what you said well-intentioned, especially given you've made clear you haven't experienced things like this yourself, but making light in any way of things like this is pretty much helpful to no one, and telling someone being emotionally, physically or sexually abused to try and get the person absuing them to laugh (or for THEM to try and repair the abuser in any way) is pretty outer limits.

And in the future? If you suspect you're about to give bad advice, why continue to do so? Trust your instincts.


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babygirl88
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It's so hard, but I'm learning to not react. I keep up an energetic and cheerful demeanor, follow through with what I need to get done, and let her mean words slip my mind. I have a memory to kill and if I linger on the mean things that are said to me, which I've done SO MUCH in the past, I'm ruined for a good while.
My resilience, I gratefully believe, is reaching a new level, and it's what's getting me by right now. And she's watching me like a hawk-- Every word I say, every step I take is another opportunity for her to rip me down. Somehow I'm living as if their is no chance of this happening, as if there is nothing to fear. As if my stepmom were on my side for once, or-- at least not the person putting effort into hurting me.
School starts tomorrow. I'm not thinking too hard about it, and that's also working pretty nicely. This is going to be an interesting (school) year.


------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


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poppybluefrogs
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hey babygirl

I've been through nothing as bad as you have but i have some experience in a similar situation. My stepdad is a closet alcoholic. my mum keeps it from people and i've only told my closest friends. no one else is aware because he hides it so well. he only drinks during the evenings and if he drinks during the dfay he skips work.

he tends to get on his high horse when he's been drinking and takes alot of stuff out on me because im the odd one out, in a way. my mum and him and my half-ssiters are a family unit and i feel almost excluded sometimes and he knows it. he makes it worse on purpose, telling me everythign that ever went wrong in his life is my fault. he's pushed me off chairs before, slapped me across the face before and even tried to throw me out a few times. he only apologises when he gets caught out by my mum. she makes him apologuse but i know he doesnt mean it and mum says she is on my side but she isnt always. it is perfectly clear to see she isnt.

i don't claim to know what you go through all the time but i know how it feels to have an abusive step parent. ignoring it doesnt always work and you need to flag this up with someone outside your family unit. ignoring the minor stuff can work sometimes but the bigger more major stuff...all i can advise you to do is address it perhaps with the school nurse or a teacher you trust. if you possibly can get permission from your dad to stay at your friends house, go there. if not see if you can stay there on occassion when your dad is out of town (that is if your friends mum doesnt mind) when my step dad gets particularly tough on me i generally ask my friend if i can go round, perhaps not to stay over but just to stay there for a few hours to cool off from the arguments and hopefully by the time i've got back he'll have calmed down a touch and i can avoid him a bit better.

i understand it may not work entirely for you, like it does for me, but i hope what i've said has helped you think about a few more options.


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Ecofem
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quote:
Originally posted by babygirl88:
School starts tomorrow. I'm not thinking too hard about it, and that's also working pretty nicely. This is going to be an interesting (school) year.

Hey babygirl,

i just wanted to check in after being away for awhile: How's school going?

------------------
I was raised to be strong and hard/but if you touch me wrong/I fall apart/I found a woman who's soft but she's also hard/while I slept she nailed down my heart ~morphine~


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