As of this fall, I'm going to be heading into my FINAL year of High School, WOOHOO!! The only problem is.... I hate my school. With a passion.
I have had countless problems with a few kids in my grade and seeing as I go to a very small school, there are only a few kids in my grade. And they happen to be more dependent than anything, therefore no one stands up for me- Even the kids who really really like me deep down.
It's strange.... Most people I come across view me as intelligent and very sweet. I'm not trying to give myself praise even though it will come off this way. The point I'm trying to prove is that my "people problems", if you would, start and end with school. I have a very messed up home life/ family, however I am very good at dealing with the situation at hand and the related problems when they arrise.
After 8th grade (middle school), I went off to a private high school while all of my friends proceeded to the public HS in our town. My school is day only, not board, and I live an hour away from it.
Basically, I started off as like the center of a tight group of friends, and everyone involved was in my grade. Then, sophomore year, I was mercilessly trashed by the two other girls in the group, who seemingly spontaneously "joined forces" with a girl in the grade above ours. WELL. Let me tell you: I put EVERY OUNCE of my energy into attempting to heal things between us. I was targetted and I was pretty much bullied by the kids who were supposed to be my friends, but I forgave them and felt I had to do anything necessary to regain my position in this tight circle. Every time I made a big effort to fix things, the girls lied and said everything was fine, etc., but everything actually deteriorated. Think: Lots of behind-the-back crap that I didn't know about and would have never imagined friends doing to friends. Or anyone. Doing to anyone. The harassment has never really gone away, and I've been excluded by pretty much the majority of my grade at school because of these kids. I don't know why it has been happening, but by the end of my Junior year I was just kind of accepting it and moving on. Aka. Giving up trying to fix things, forever. Because I knew things could never go back to the way they once were. These kids don't want to have anything to do with me and I can't change that. Then again, I know the way they treat people and I don't think I'd ever really want a part of that. It's just hard going to such a small school and not having a group. In fact... I hate it.
I used to be like permanently depressed over the situation. I spent (wasted?) 2 whole school years and a precious summer depressed out of my mind. Now, luckily, thank god, I am able to work past all of these feelings and just live my everyday life. I have many WONDERFUL people in my life; I'm not alone and I'm happy with both my self and the people I am close with.
However..... Whenever I so much as see a picture of one of these kids, or even see their name written down, I immediately feel SO HURT. It's indescribable.... I feel unable to move, unable to talk, to do anything. Most of all, I just never want to go back to school. Because I know I will be largely alone, largely talked about, and very unhappy. For almost the entire duration of my HS experience, I have spent the majority of my days crying in a bathroom stall. Last school year, this elevated to cutting. One of the girls who did this to me actually saw that I had cut myself- I didn't mean to let her see, or anyone, for that matter- and of course she didn't do anything. My intention was not to get back at anyone, not to make anyone feel sorry for or worried about me. I just blamed myself. And I think anybody looking in on the situation must blame me, because I am the one who is most alone, not these other kids. Therefore they are innocent. But you'd be pretty surprised at the power a few b*tchy girls can have on their high school peers. Yikes.
The moral of my story being... I don't know if I can honestly go back to my school- Literally. The reason why I have been sticking it out there is because it is a private school. And getting good grades at a private school (most likely) looks better on your transcript than getting good grades at a public school. I am top of my class at my current school. I always sink a lot of focus into my school and home work, so I'm not worried about my study habits or grades at all. I mean, I am in great standings at my current school, and if I left there's no guarantees how well off I would be compared to the rest of my new class, but who knows.
I can't help but think that maybe my hapiness and well-being is just a little more important than grades. I have been trying to do well in order to keep my options open for college. Probably like most everyone, all I want is to create a better life for myself in the future; Once I'm out on my own in this world.
If I were to leave my school, I would attend the public school in my town. Switching Senior year would kind of suck. But I think being miserable at my dandy 'ol school might be a little bit worse.
I don't know why this is happening to me, but I know it isn't right. I also know that it isn't an accurate reflection of myself and how everyone in the world will react to me. Once again.... I have NEVER had any sort of problem, socially, with the acception of my school within the past few years.
I KNOW people say that HS relationships are fickle, some kids are really mean, etc. And I know that, for the most part, it's true. But would I be wrong to move on, try a new school, Senior year? It sounds exciting to me. Not only that, but I think I'd look forward to a fresh start at a new school that I could make the best of, being my older self and seeing as I'd only be spending a year there. I have plenty of friends who go to this school, and it's so big and full of cool people that I wouldn't at all be worried about myself. I would just be a little anxious about the size (this school is approx.... 7 times the size of mine) and the schedule and comparative lack of freedom... Plus I'd prob get lost lol. But aren't those all insignificant compared to the real situation at hand?
ANY comments, advice, stories, etc. would be extremely appreciated. I feel this is a choice I, and not my parents, have to make. Trust me, they wouldn't be too sad if I left my school because they wouldn't have to pay or drive me anymore.
I know it's my senior year, but it's still another year of high school. And at this rate, I just don't think I can make it another day at my current school. I think it's a miracle I made it this far.
------------------ "It's something unpredictable but in the end is right i hope you had the time of your life"
I think it would be a wonderful idea for you to transfer schools. All you'll really be facing going in your senior year is having to take any requirements you missed from being at another school, but getting into a new setting and meeting new people would, I'm sure, do wonders for you.
It's greatly important that you are comfortable in order to get the best education you can, this means not being depressed around the people around you, and not being distracted by that; it means being able to have a good time, know people, focus on your work, have people who can help you, etc.
Senior year is an important one, and I think it sounds like you'd do best being somewhere where you're comfortable being, rather than dreading going every day.
I think what you wrote and what you're thinking about is all very mature of you, and definitely within your best interests. I wish you the best of luck this last year and hope it will be full of good memories for you.
(Oh, and don't feel you're just trying to give yourself praise saying "Most people I come across view me as intelligent and very sweet." it's a fair and accurate statement of yourself and how you feel people respond to you, and to be honest that's how you came off as in this post so you're not being out of line mentioning it at all.)
I transferred schools for my senior year in high school, and I still think it was a great option for me. My boyfriend was living in another town, my friends had all graduated and my old high school really held no appeal for me any longer. Getting into a new comfort zone was great, and I ended up getting involved in drama and making a ton of new friends before leaving for university.
I really got the most out of my last year of school, and it showed me that I can make friends easily, and do well in an unstructed situation when I apply myself. It taught me a lot about being on my own, and not dependent on a clique to boost me up. I say give it a shot. There's little to lose, and lots to gain, and you sound like an strong young woman. Good luck!
I think you should stay in your school, b/c you would have to adjust to a new school, and it may be really hard. and just ignore those people...I get talked about too, I also get pushed into lockers, and beaten up, one time someone smashed my oboe (my instrument) and I just told my parents that I dropped it...and I told them that I fell a lot in gymnastics to cover up the real reasons as to why I had so many bruses. but all this happened b/c I'm the "new girl" I think yiu should stay in your school, because I dont want that happening to you. good luck, I support any decision that you make.
Posts: 12 | From: great neck, ny, united states of America | Registered: Aug 2005
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Ilovemydoggy1: have you talked to ANYONE (besides us) ablout this? I really recomend that you do, because you should NOT have to put up with that anywhere you are, being the new girl has nothing to do with it. Please speak with a counselor or at least really tell your parents what's happening. What you're going through is ABUSE and these kids who are doing it could be charged with assault and they deserve that. Basically, the situations being explained should not have to be tolerated ANYWHERE, new or old, and a good number of schools DO NOT have problems with new kids being harassed.
Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005
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Just wanted to say that i agree w/ Dailicious here ...
I switched schools in high school. I did grades 9 and 10 in Toronto and then i moved to Belleville and did grades 11 and 12/OAC there. My biggest problem was making new friends and fitting in and stuff ... And THIS (fortuneatly) is the norm, not having to deal w/ abuse. Honestly. That's not normal. You need to report this.
My advice to you, babygirl, is to really REALLY think about this. If your current school is that bad, go for it. But don't expect everything to be all peachy right away, because it wont be.
stay calm. I know you feel anxious but if you stay calm and try to dispel some of the bad feeling you have then you'll feel a little better. i'm not saying school will be perfect but if you stay calm on your first day back you'll probably also be able to stay calm the day after that and then the day after that. Build it up till your a little more confident in yourself. It may help you face the people at school. hope i've helped a little bit
Posts: 228 | Registered: Feb 2005
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I know how painful this is first hand. To this day I get teased and left out because I was betrayed four years ago. It seems like that's just what happens when you go from one environment to a completely different one.
Betrayal is one of the most painful experiences you can go through, but for the most part, all you can do is though it out. From what I've seen, running away won't help things. It means these creeps have beaten you. Besides, sometimes outside of school you have to deal with people who will do everything in their power to make your life miserable, and all you can do is either tough it out and reap the benifits (nice transcripts/good pay) or flee and make do with that which is less that the best you can get.
I hate to admit it, but sometimes life royally sucks and all you can do is deal with it, so you might as well get some practice in and keep that college-luring transcript.
Mmm Still having some pretty bad anxiety thinking about school, but a few things in my Life are countering these negative feelings right now... For instance, the whole college search process is BEYOND liberating to me. Just looking at the schools makes me excited for my future. Future as in beyond HS. Because I think things in my life will get a LOT better once I graduate. I'm also trying to keep things in perspective- My life does NOT start nor end with school. I do FINE with my studies, and it's OKAY that I don't have a solid clique or whatever. Besides, I can't stand cliques or people who are not accepting of everyone. It's just a part of who I am to view everyone as equal and to treat everyone kindly.
I don't know.... It's gotten a little more bearable to think about this upcoming school year. I figure that even though I can't entirely control my anxiety, I can give myself a break and another chance to establish some sort of position for myself in the school, whether or not I have many solid connections with the people there.
If worse comes to worse, I know I have a few people at school who know and like me, and the feeling is mutual. Plus, I always have myself, and with my alone time I could always work on my own pursuits!
I have grown a lot... A LOT.... Since I started high school, and part of this process in my personal experience has been battling depression+anxiety. Noooo I'm not formally diagnosed; To be quite honest I don't believe in psych meds, nor do I agree with a lot of the claims made regarding such diagnoses... However, I've become SO much more confident and aware that there are things I can do for myself, much healthier things, than worrying over social situations gone wrong.
Plus... Only one more year... Can't be TOO bad, right? All of this stuff has been very damaging, but I think that finding a (HEALTHY) way to deal with rejection/ adversity/ unfair cruelty is a part of Life.
I read an interesting quote the other day that made me think; It relates to my situation: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."
I think if I cease focus a bit on the cliquey, drama-ridden backstabbing people at my school, and just socialize casually I should be okay. I just don't know why HS has to suck so much.
Thanks for everyone's continued input!! I greatly appreciate it. Any more comments/ advice would be awesome :-)
------------------ "It's something unpredictable but in the end is right i hope you had the time of your life"
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