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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » We need help

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Author Topic: We need help
mags05
Neophyte
Member # 21757

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My boyfriend and I really need some help. We are both virgins, but very sexual people. He has a condition where he needs to masturbate or he will become very hyperactive. We have been going out for a short period of time (7 months) but we are commited and wish to eventually marry. Though that will not happen for 6 years ( I am going to college for 6 years). We know it will be hard, but we want to wait to have sex. A few weeks ago, I had a breakdown, where I was so aroused, I lost all control and wanted to have sex then. Luckly, he knew I didn't really want it, and we never had sex. A couple days ago, a simliar event happened to him. We were playing around, and he almost lost control. He can control his sexual urges very well, so this was out of the ordinary. It seems that he has been feeling like this for a while and even brought a condom to my house. Again, very out of character. He never told me about these feelings (I was very upset when he told me for we tell each other everything and I could have prevented it). The thing is, I am very worried that both of us will lose control in the future. Neither of us want to have sex. We don't know what to do. If we stop fooling around, it will hurt us even more.
Sorry it was so long. Please help. Any advice is appreciated.

Posts: 36 | From: Nl, Canada | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

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quote:
He has a condition where he needs to masturbate or he will become very hyperactive.

I don't know of any medical conditions which cause someone to "need" to masturbate. However, it's a perfectly normal and healthy way of satisfying sexual urges and enjoying yourself, and it can certainly cause stress if you try and force yourself not to do it. You don't need a medical "excuse".

Similarly, feeling sexual attraction and wanting to engage in sexual activity with other people you care about and are attracted to are pretty normal and natural impulses too , whether you want to act on them or not (which isn't to say that acting on all your impulses is always a good idea).

It concerns me that you seem to be treating sexual desire as some evil alien force that made you have a "breakdown" or made your boyfriend "almost lose control" and be "very out of character". Thinking that way may actually make it harder for you to make cool-headed choices about whether you do or don't want to have sex right now.

Your sexual desires are part of you, and that's okay, whether you choose to act on them or not. They cannot take you over and make you incapable of controlling yourself or not responsible for your actions.

If you are truly determined not to have sex before marriage, for whatever reason, then it sounds like you need to avoid situations which are causing temptation for you, as "playing around" evidently is.

I'm not sure what you mean by "playing around" or "fooling around", but if you mean things like manual sex or dry humping, be aware that those are forms of sexual activity too.

Again, nothing wrong with that, but it's important to be honest with yourself about what you're doing. If what you've decided is that you want to reserve intercourse for marriage but engage in other sexual activities before then, then be clear about that.

Since it sounds like you're conflicted about this, it might also be worth thinking over (and discussing with your boyfriend) what your reasons are for wanting to postpone sex (or intercourse) until marriage. Knowing your reasons can help you feel more certain about whatever decision you make.


Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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