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ridiculous_thoughts
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so since a while back i can remember ive been cutting myself on my wrists and arms. i tend to wear long sleeved shirts to school so that people can't see minor scars and when i have p.e. and if people ask (which is rarely the case) i make up some lame story that people believe. i do talk to the counselor at school, and he made me sign a contract to not cut anymore, and if i did and he finds out then he would have to contact my parents about it. ive been able to not cut for a while, but now a couple days ago i couldn't not cut..everything was so terrible. i am the loneliest person on earth, i have been irritated at people for no reason at whatever they say lately, and i don't know why, and i never seem to be able to be happy anymore. i dont know what to do. ive been fighting with all of my friends, and been alone alot. my parents think im such a happy person..boy if they knew. i just don't know what to do with myself. sometimes it just feels nice to cut myself and it's okay for me to bear the physical pain..only that comes afterward because usually im completely numb. after i cut i immediately break down and cry because i don't know if im deserving of feeling the pain.
i don't know what to do with myself anymore. sometimes i wish i could just..well..not have to deal with other people. i just wanted to post something to relieve my frustration for a bit. maybe somebody can give me some advice?

thanks.


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dailicious
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Your situation sounds very similar to mine a few years back, actually, especially in the sense of my parents at the time not having an idea I was having problems.

I don't know how easy it would be to talk to them, but sometimes bringing up that you aren't feeling the happiest right now can go a long way if they're willing to listen. Go little by little with what you're most comfortable with, but the more you can talk the easier this will make things in the long run, trust me.

Also, it may be a good idea into looking for a type of counselor outside school. I know school counselors just made my problems worse , but finding someone I meshed well with who I could talk to outside really helped with the problems I was dealing with.

Cutting is complicated, you know that I'm sure. The biggest problem most people face with cutting is that cutting autmoatically translates to suicidal in many people's minds, and while the two can go hand in hand, often times they don't. I'm not making any assumption about how you're feeling, only you can decide that, but at least know I understand, from past experience, the sort of mindset you can have behind cutting.

In seeking help at all it shows you cvare about yourself and do want help, which is a wonderful first step to take. Keep going at a pace at which you're comfortable.

Even having experienced this myself, I'm never quite sure what to say because I know how nothing is ever exactly right for everyone, so sorry if I'm pushing too much or over-stepping anything you're not comfortable with me mentioning to you.

Also, these websites may give you a bit more information, and give you something to associate with more, I did, at least, and think they're good resoruces, especially if you ever need to confront your parents or if you think your counselor isn't fully understanding you:

http://www.selfinjury.org
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html

I think these boards are a good, safe place to be able to vent and explore emotions and get feedback and support from people who understand or have experience with what you're experiencing right now. So come back whenever you need to.

[This message has been edited by dailicious (edited 05-01-2005).]


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ridiculous_thoughts
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wow, i think you are almost the first person who understands. except my counselor, i mean he is a real cool guy, he didn't freak out when i told him about the cutting either, it was different with the counselor last year, she like called my mom. and then another one i had this year i never told about all this, but the one i have now, he seems to understand. what i can't stand is when people do associate cutting with suicide. i mean its ridiculous..i don't want to die..even though sometimes now i do think of just wanting to die..but to be honest im quite frightened of death.
there is technically nothing wrong with my life..but yet there is so much. i know that there are so many people out there who actually kill themselves and God knows why..and that makes me feel so much worse, because it makes me feel like im not supposed to be feeling this way and it makes me feel guilty for hurting myself. and it just makes everything worse.
my moods have been crazily extreme these days. for the most time im extremely depressed though. my best friend and i can't even have a conversation anymore because everytime we yell at each other because i get irritated at everything she says and does. and not only her, ive withdrawn myself from big group events too because i just don't feel the energy and motivation to go. and now..they don't even ask me to go ever either.
my math teacher talked to my mom and told her that he was worried about me because i had been looking so sad in class for such a long time..and my mom wouldn't let it go but eventually she did when i kept telling her that i was seriously fine.
i don't want to talk to my parents about anything..i know sometimes it could make everything better, but i just don't want to talk to my parents. its too awkward. my parents think im such a happy person..they have no clue..at least not that i know of, and i want it to stay that way. id rather deal with everything alone than talk to them about it.
once my best friend saw my cuts on my arm and she kept asking until i kept telling her that i fell into a bush while playing soccer. quite lame, but she dropped it after that. i just feel so useless and worthless.
nothing even seems to get better no matter the way i talk to the counselor. i mean sure things have improved..some things..but half of my life he doesn't even have a clue about yet.
i cant find a counselor outside of school, because my parents would find out..
i don't know what to do..
:[
but thanks for understanding!
anyone else out there? advice?

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hwyl
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I just want to say, I identify with your story. I've been injuring for about five years, and running a support/recovery site for nearly that long. I've seen people trapped in these cycles and I have to tell you that the sooner you get help for it, the better off you will be. Self-injury can become an addiction. It can come to replace all normal coping methods, the answer to all strong emotions, to no emotion. Self-injury has been such a huge part of my life for years, and it is ridiculous.

I really want you to get help now. Even if you aren't injuring too badly, or too often, you've expressed a discomfort with it, and the desire to stop, but you're not stopping. Either you're okay with injuring, or you jsut don't know how to begin combatting it. Getting aid from a counsellor with whom you can communicate openly with (which may mean one who won't have you sign a contract) is a big step, and a pretty important one. How did your mum react thefirst time she learnt you were injuring? Could you tell her that you have been feeling like doing it again to get help?

If you don't think that you can get aid in real life (it's a really hard step), you might try some online forums, such as those offered by the previous poster. Do be aware, however, that many contain information or images that can be very upsetting or triggering. Be careful and only look for them when you are feeling safe. The sites the previous poster gave and the community I linked to are generally trigger-free, and therefore good for times when you are struggling.

Think about why you started, think back to tha first incident, what put the idea in your head and what you hoped to accomplish through it. Try to keep a log of when you are injuring and why (there is a kicking one here http://www.livejournal.com/users/dont_cut/252531.html) so that you can figure out what sets you off and address that. Recovery is always a lot of work, but nothing worthwhile comes without trying.

I wish you well.


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poppybluefrogs
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i recently cut myself again for the first time in a long time. my two best friends (both guys...you dont really need to know that but i told you anyway) tried to stop me last year. one of them cut himself to get me to stop and the guilt it caused me to feel that one of the most important guys in my life did that because of me forced me to stop. only about a week ago things got real bad ta home again with my step dad yelling at me that i was worthless and load of other stuff. so i went upstairs grabbed some scissors and cut myself just once on my forearm. i hid it wellfor about two days but then one of my best friends was holding my hand and saw the cut on my arm. he told my other best friend and they sat me down and told me that if i did it again they would both cut themselves aswell. and the guilt that i now feel knowing that i let them down after all the hardwork they put into stopping me last year and all the times theyve warned me, telling me that i should call them instead of cutting, has been enough to stop me from doing it anymore. i promised them i would never do it again. and i mean it. knowing they'll hurt themselves has shown me how much it hurts other people to see me harm myself. and from what i've heard your counsellor seems to have your best interests at heart just like my best friends do.

i'm not trying to tell you off or guilt trip you. im not even sure why im telling you all this.but maybe you should think about talking to your parents. this post doesnt make any sense at all. its completely pointless but i hope you see how my friends are helping me and i hope you find something similar to help you kick the habit too.


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Heather
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(The three of you have given such wonderful, supportive advice here. Beautiful job, and thank you!)

A few tips and such I can add.

Odd as it sounds at this point, back when in the early 80's when I was cutting (very deeply and dangerously), a therapist wanted to do a study on me because at that time, it was so unheard of. It is good times have changed.

But I know it's pretty clear what helped me get out of the habit.

1. And this is the biggie: reduce or resolve whatever situations are creating the stress and the agony. In may case, it was getting out of an abusive home situation and into more creative and academic environments which actually challenged me, rather than being so substandard I could sleep my way to a 4.0 average, easy. For you, it might be widening your social circle, resolving issues with your friends, etc. (and per your best friend, try being honest with her.) Do NOT keep avoiding social events or wait to be asked. One step at a time, just go to the one you can't seem to muster up the motivation to go to: just do it. It may also mean talking to a therapist rather than the school counselor so that if part of cutting is due to something like chemical depression, you can get the treatment you need. Given your parents know you're having troubles, and should, you CAN ask them to look into that for/with you.

2. Pain actually produces -- chemically speaking, but to some degree emotionally, as well -- similar feelings that exertion and pleasure do. When we experience pain, we often get the adrenaline pumping, and that's followed by a bunch of endorphins, a hormone which is a mood-elevator. So, try shifting into other activities that do the same things but are positive: up the amount of exercise and activity you get, for instance. get out of doors to do it if you can. Weird as it sounds, masturbate more often (orgasm also produces these hormones). Get immersed in some sort of creative project. Do more of the things you know make you happy.

3. Watch how you're eating. Again, it may sound silly, but if you eat like crap, it's only going to make you feel worse. So, if you're eating a metric buttload of simple carbs, starches, fried foods, dairy, meats, cookies, what have you, start eating better, all the time. If you're undereating, do what you can to eat more often, and be sure you're getting enough protein and fresh fruits and veggies.

4. And again, while this may sound cliche, helping other people is often really therapeutic. So, look into some volunteer work with people who really are not as fortunate as you are, or who just have different issues.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor & Founder
ST homepageST blogabout Heather & Scarleteen


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daddysgirlie
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I start to cut on may 12, 2004 cause my best firend had killed herself after about 3 months of that i felt i needed to talk to someone so i did and i learned that you can let your feelings out in other ways such as poetry art rapping singing ect... i really think cutting isnt the answer even though i no how hard it is to stop i have been through alot and if you just want someone to talk to who wont judge you and you wanna here a little more about more story and how i stopped you can email me iuts [edited] or [edited]

Brittany

[This message has been edited by wobblyheadedjane (edited 05-16-2005).]


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logic_grrl
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It's cool that you want to help, but the board guidelines forbid posting e-mail addresses or other contact info. That's for your own safety - remember, the boards are public, so anyone could read your message.
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xgravitygirlx
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Well, logic, I read posts all the time with links in people's signatures to their blogs, their email addresses, and I've seen a few screen names and ICQ #'s...


I was a car wreck about three years ago, and shortly afterwards, was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Depression soon followed.

Self-injury is something I have never really been able to understand, and though I've done it, I still don't really get it. It makes me angry, though, to see people, like, posting pictures of their cuts on websites and on their online journals and whatnot.

While I don't really understand it, I *DO* know that I didn't do it for attention, I didn't do it to say "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MY AWESOME PICS! Am I a badass?" No. I did it to myself, and I kept it to myself.

I pulled my hair, cut my skin with scissors, and the farthest I've gone was taking a fingernail scrubbing brush and just rubbing it on the underside of my arm...over...and over and over.

The first person I told about this was my therapist. She called my parents into the room and told me to pull up my sleeve, and show them what I'd done.


I haven't done anything like that to myself ever again, and that was about two years ago. I've seen my dad cry a handful of times [[ Sept 11 - he's a govt worker -, when his brother died in a car wreck.. ]] and when he saw what I'd done to myself.


My pain was shared, and I guess that's what made me stop. Because I felt like nobody felt the way I did. Nobody felt this heart-wrenching pain that I felt...but when the therapist made me show my wounds, it was like my parents were seeing *ME*...inside....It's like I was saying, "This is how bad I hurt," and showed them the marks, and then afterwards, I didn't have to do it anymore, because they already knew how badly I hurt on the inside.


I don't know. It's just how I feel. I'm not making any judgements. I'm not saying "Show your parents!" and it'll stop. I'm just telling my story.

There's a nice scar on my arm, and I feel like it stands testimony to where I've been, and how far I've come since then.


And I'm not too sure how to quote someone, but Miz Scarlet said this - "Pain actually produces -- chemically speaking, but to some degree emotionally, as well -- similar feelings that exertion and pleasure do."


So...maybe we should all just... like... masturbate? Haha. I could totally do that!


daddysgirlie, my best friend killed herself on April 28, 2004. I surprised myself by not cutting.

But also, I started to keep a journal when all my bad times began. It wasn't just "I feel bad today, because blah blah blah," it was stories that I came up with. Poems...not everything was dark and gloomy. Strangely, after I was "well" again [[ I still have my days though ]], my writing stopped. It was as if I didn't need it anymore. And, honestly, I haven't written anything in about a year and half. It's like I don't need to.


Anyway, my posts are always huge. Best of luck to everyone. Take care.


Peace Out.


- Jessica.


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logic_grrl
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quote:
Well, logic, I read posts all the time with links in people's signatures to their blogs, their email addresses, and I've seen a few screen names and ICQ #'s...

And we try to edit those out if we can, although we can't stop people from linking to personal websites which may contain contact details.

This is a public message board, and there are people out there who might have pretty unsavory reasons for reading a board about teen sexual issues and perhaps wanting to contact young and vulnerable teens. We've had issues in the past where people claiming to be teenage girls have turned out to be adult men.

So we try to avoid anything which might lead to people being contacted or victimized through the board.


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ridiculous_thoughts
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wow, thank you all you for being so supportive!
i have joined a forum of "self injury" and i keep a journal--but my counselor reads that one, because he asks me to write stuff for everytime we meet. He is away this week..so i am really hoping that nothing panicky happens.
i am realizing now how many people care about me. All you guys, and my counselor and the school psychologist.
and i just wanna say thank you! im looking at my arm right now and it makes me want to cry. it looks pretty terrible..but i cant help it.
but thank you all for your great advice!!!!!
greatly appreciated!

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poppybluefrogs
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im glad you feel supported. you can be strong and get through this! smile! it will all be fine!
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Little_Girl_Lost_312
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Ridiculous, I'm glad you realized that so many people care about you. I hope you resolve the issues that are upsetting you, and I wish you the best. I do have a question though, and this seemed like the best place to post it. I used to cut too, and now everytime I contemplate doing it again, I get this burning sensation in my arm. I can usually pinpoint it to where my deepest cut was (now a really white scar), but is thesensation that I get normal? I mean, has anyone else felt something similar?

------------------
"Deserve Death! I daresay he does. Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the wise cannot see all ends"-Gandalf, The Fellowship of the Ring
Anti-capital punishment

"Just pretending? You brought pretending into this family, James. You taught us that we can change things just by believing them to be different"- Sylvia Llewelyn Davies, Finding Neverland

"Do you believe in fairies? Say quick that you believe. If you believe, clap your hands!"-Peter Pan


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lonely_lovey
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PRAY! im gonna give you my e mail address [no email addresses, please] email me any time i use to do the same thing everything will be alright

[This message has been edited by wobblyheadedjane (edited 07-11-2005).]


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wobblyheadedjane
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lonely_lovely, I've edited out your email address because it's against the guidelines to post it.

Also, remember that not everyone here at Scarleteen is religious. Prayer may have helped you (and that's cool!), but it's not for everyone.


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