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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » i am not too sure...

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Author Topic: i am not too sure...
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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First I just want to say Thank you very very much for having all of the help you are giving people in your own time, i really appreciate this.

I have been having a few problems lately, well they have been around for a while now but they have been really getting me down just lately and i am not sealing with it very well. I had a boyfriend for a long time well a long time for me. Like a year. And he broke up with me. And i still feel really horrible because it was my fault. I was having a hard time when he would want to have sex because i get scared sometimes, I was raped when i was 14. I didnt want to have to tell him this. I was scared to tell because i have never told anyone. My parents dont even know. Only the man who did it and I know and I just didnt want to have to bring it up. So most times he would get mad, which is understandable, so i would end up giving in and just having to do it. I felt really bad for him that i couldnt be a normal and want to do it. I also have endometriosis and poly cystic ovary syndrome, which i get bad pain with, so sometimes that would mean i couldnt sleep with him because i was hurting. I know this hurt him, i explained it to him and i looked it up on the web and showed him so he will understand but he would still be upset if i couldnt do it. Why cant I just be normal?? All of my friends actually want to have sex with their boyfriends but i just wanted it to be over fast. I lost my boyfriend because I couldnt even do that for him. Im 18, I should be over it all by now. It is really frustrating for me :S
Now my mother and stepfather are getting a divorce and everything seems to be hitting me at once, I dont know if i can go through that again. Sometimes i just want to die and I know i wont do anything stupid but I just want to be normal and i want to be able to be a good girlfriend.
Thanks for letting me talk. Sorry this is so long.

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 17924

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I am very sry about whats happening in your life, I really am. As a person who's parents fight all the time, (even though they are not divorced) I know what a hard family life is like.

I strongly believe you should have told your boyfriend that you were raped, and have uncomfortable feelings about sex. Since he didn't know that, he might have thought you were coming up with excuses or something, since I don't know what situation was like. As for your endometriosis and poly cystic ovary syndrome, he should have been sensitive to that, extremely sensitive in fact. It's not your fault that you felt that way about sex, or that it hurt, and you are normal, I can assure you of that. Anyone who has been through a rape or forced sexual acts has that imprinted in their brain. It is very unfortunate, and you have every right to feel nervous about sex, not want it, and to say no.

If you felt like you didn't want to have sex, you should have said no. In the future, it should be the same way. If your boyfriend really loved you, he would respect whats going on, medical or not, and let it go. But letting him push you into having sex was not good, and doesn't help your feelings towards it. It wasn't your fault (the breakup) though it may seem that way to you.

I really hope everything goes well with your family. Life will have some rough spots, but its those spots that are going to make you a stronger person.

Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 19090

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all though it may be hard for you to believe at the moment. the break up wasn't your fault. it was his fault for not understanding. he probably would have understood more if you told him about the rape. i know its hard but it really important. but if it wasnt too important you don't have to tell him. he should respect your condition and not pressure into anything. you seem like a great person with alot crap happening to you. i have similar problems. but try to realize that these problems will make you stronger. you will learn from them. like i said before, you seem liek a great person, i am sure you are. Stay posative. don't let anything knock you down.


Posts: 39 | From: minnesota | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 19081

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Thanks for replying! It was just too hard to tell him about what happened. I dont understand why it even bothers me anymore anyway, it was a long time ago now. I just want to be normal :S I am sorta dating another guy now, but im afraid anytime we do stuff. I dont mind in the start but then i get kinda freaked out, and later on i think i could have just told him to stop but at the time i just cant. I know its wierd.

I just feel like i will lose this guy too and i only just lost my other boyfriend. I didnt really want to have another boyfriend but he is nice to me and he helps me alot. And I really do like him.

I dont want to lose him because I cant just be normal and sleep with him (we havnt had sex yet just manual sex and oral sex). But i dont know how to tell him when it hurts, i get like too shy or something. Last time he fingered me and it hurt alot and i didnt know how to tell him to stop or what to do :S does anyone have any suggestions?
Im sorry this sounds really pathetic. I just hate being this way!
Thanks for all the help.

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Know what?

It really doesn't sound to me like you're in the right space to be sexually involved with anyone yet at all. And trying to push that or deny it is ONLY going to make your existing sexual trauma WORSE.

If you can't even be honest with a sexual partner or boyfriend about sexual assault, or know what you need to do to work through triggers slowly, you need to SLOW down. if you cannot communicate to sexual partners at all you need to not have any right now, period.

I'd really suggest you seek out counseling: it'd be private, you can then tell SOMEONE about what's happened and that person can help you work through this.

It stinks to have to work so hard to get over something someone else did. I understand and remember that all too well, myself. But you have to do it all the same. Trying to pretend it didn't happen, to avoid the issues, to push yourself into things you CLEARLY cannot handle is self-abuse and destruction.

I really can't encourage you enough to put the breaks on: you're barreling towards hurting the heck out of yourself and making healing from your assault a million times more difficult than it already is. I understand the desire to want to "just be normal" or "get it over with," but it just doesn't work that way.

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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