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Author Topic: Leaving with boyfriend, HELP ME PLEASE
SweetTemptation69
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HI, WELL I AM 15 YEARS OLD AND ALWAYS I HAVE HAD PROBLEMS WITH MY FAMILY ESPECIALLY MY OLDER BROTHER. I FEEL I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE! I TRY AND I TRY BUT THEY DONT UNDERTSAND ME. MY DAD WILL DO ANYTHING TO KEEP ME FROM DOING ANYTHING. I CANT DEAL ANYMORE. I JUST CANT.IF I DONT LEAVE, ME AND MY BOYFRIEND WILL BE OVER. WE WILL NOT TALK OR EVEN SEE EACHOTHER. THE ONLY OPTION IS LEAVING. IM SOO SCARED THOUGH. IM SCARED TO LEAVE MY MOM. I KNOW MY MAN LOVES ME, HE'S GIVEN UP ALOT OF THINGS FOR ME, AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN THERE. BUT I JUST DONT KNOW WHETHER ITS THE RIGHT THING. THIS IS THE GUY I GAVE IT UP TO, I LOVE HIM. IM SO SCARED. HELP ME PLEASE. WILL IT BE OKAY. WE BOTH ARE GONNA GO TO THE SAME SCHOOL, AND HES GONNA WORK. HIS MOM IS OKAY WITHME GOING TO THEIR HOUSE. BUT IM SCARED TO LEAVE.
Posts: 37 | From: El Monte, C.A, America | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KittenGoddess
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Sweetie! Please don't post in all caps. You don't need to yell at us. And please remember that it's against guidelines to double post - which you have now done. (I'm going to close your other topic and we can discuss this in here)

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Heather
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Let's bear in mind what you posted elsewhere about this partner, however:

"I FILLED IN ABOUT 4. BUT I LOVE HIM. AND HES EXTREMELY JEALOUS. HE MADE ME STOP WEARING MAKEUP. AND I CANT GO OUT. OR TALK TO ANY OF MY GUY FRIENDS. HE EVEN GETS MAD WHEN I GO TO THE MALL. SHOULD I BE WORRIED. HE PROMISED HE'D NEVER HURT ME BUT WHEN HE GETS MAD, IM SCARED OF HIM"

In other words, this doesn't sound like a safe person for you to live with. At all.

You'd be much better off working within your family to improve things there, especially since it sounds like you CAN communicate with your mother.

It's not a dismissal, but pretty much EVERYONE in their teens often feels like their families cannot understand them or feels isolated from them, AND feels their parents are being oppressive. It's normal, but it's also very often not entirely reasonable or realistic.

And if you can't support yourself right now, leaving home is a bad choice, period, especially when the person you'd be relying on is showing signals or warning signs of being abusive.


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logic_grrl
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What are the problems with your family? Maybe if you post some details, people could give some advice on how to make the situation better.

Incidentally, since you are 15, your boyfriend is 18, and the age of consent in California is 18, he is committing "statutory rape" by having sex with you.

Running away with him might make it more likely that your parents would bring charges against him, or try to use the law in some other way to force you back home.


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SweetTemptation69
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Thankyou for the advice, and i've thought about leaving him and moving on with my life. but what do i do when all i think about is him. i just cant move on without him. he says once i live with him, he will feel comfortable with me wearing anything because i'll be living with him. and he's always put up with my bull... so, do i try with him?
Posts: 37 | From: El Monte, C.A, America | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SweetTemptation69
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the problems im having at home are well, they don't let me go out ANYWHERE no phone, they even took me out of school and into homeschooling because they think its better if i am home. My dad recently told me that he was planning to disconnect the phone line for good, just to make sure i have no contact with bad influence. i even tried suicide many time. i went into the hospital for overdose.
Posts: 37 | From: El Monte, C.A, America | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
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Whether you want to continue the relationship with him or not, you absolutely should not run away and live with him. That makes you completely dependent on him.

If things with him got worse, you could potentially end up in a position where you had to choose between living with someone abusive and being homeless. Not good!

quote:
he says once i live with him, he will feel comfortable with me wearing anything because i'll be living with him

The thing is, what he seems to be saying here is that it's okay for him to control you, order you around and get mad at you whenever he's not "comfortable" with anything you do.

That's not a good sign, and problems like that usually don't go away just because the person on the receiving end gives in to yet another demand - in fact, they tend to get worse.


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logic_grrl
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quote:
they don't let me go out ANYWHERE

But you mentioned that your boyfriend gets mad when you go to the mall, so evidently you're managing to get out a bit.

And homeschooling is not a bad thing in itself, although it certainly can be if parents are trying to use it as a way to keep you isolated from the outside world.

It sounds like your parents are being very controlling, but then so is your boyfriend, so it really doesn't seem like living with him would be an improvement.

I can see why the situation's making you very unhappy, but unless your parents are actually abusing you, running away is likely to cause more problems than it solves.

Why did you try to commit suicide? If you are depressed, that's something that a counsellor or doctor may be able to help with (and we also have some support groups here).


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SweetTemptation69
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Well, recently my parents almost got a divorce because of me. My mom let me go to my friends gouse, my dad got furios. My mom has always tryed to give me freedom and understand me. and my mom sees what i go through with my brother and dad. she even said if she were me and had the father and brother i have, she would have left also. and if things dont work out with my boyfriend, i can always live with my grandma in El monte. Im so confused.Should i talk to him and tell him if he doesnt change were over?
Posts: 37 | From: El Monte, C.A, America | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Parents don't get divorced because of one incident with a child, or because of children, though their children often see it that way.

But I can assure you, that isn't so. People get divorced because of THEIR relationship, with each other, not with their children. Not being part of their relationship, you truly can't know all it entails.

Where is your mother living right now? Can you not talk with her, your father or a counselor, and your grandmother to come up with a solution?

I'd suggest working on your home situation right now -- you can't do that and deal with the issues with your boyfriend at the same time. let that sit while you remedy this first and come up with some solutions for you and your family, not him. This is about you.


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Gumdrop Girl
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In case you were still looking for some help, SweetTemptations, I noticed you're just down the road from me, dearie. Please call this number 310.264.6644. It's Sojourn, a LA organization that helps women in situations like yours. Please tell them everything you told us, and they'll help you as best as they can. the number is 24-hours. It's not toll-free, but it shouldn't be expensive.

and look at http://www.break-the-cycle.org and know that you're not alone, he doesn't have the right to treat you badly, and you can make it all stop.

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SweetTemptation69
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Thankyou for helping me! I was just so stressed out... I decided not to leave. It was hard, but everyone was telling me the same thing you were telling me. It was not the best solution. But i afraid of later being in an abusive relationship. Im not sure, but i think my boyfriend is very controlling. but i cant leave him, i love him. Hes never hurt me, but im scared he will later... just yesterday my older cousin and her gangster boyfriend were at the party i was at. They told me and my brother that they saw him beat her up, and she denies it..what should i do?
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Ecofem
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SweetTemptation,

I think you made a very, very smart decision to stay with your family instead of moving in with your abusive boyfriend. I find it a bit chilling to read your posts because your current situation sounds extremely similiar to what I experienced three years ago when I was in high school– a controlling, abusive boyfriend, parents who I felt had me on house arrest, the boyfriend telling me I should move in with him, that if I didn't he'd break up with me, that to not to meant I was "stupid" and "spineless," etc. At the time I had blamed my parents for being controlling, although over time I grew to see that it was clearly my boyfriend at the time who was the one being controlling and abusive.

Somehow something in me told me to stay with my family, that something about him wasn't right... and I am so thankful for that. I figured that living with him and his mother (who was his enabler, not to mention his abusive father who spent most of the year away one military assignments) would equal perhaps three months of "freedom" (until high school graduation when he said he'd break up with me but wouldn't kick me out of his parents' home?!?) but that staying with my family (who definitely had/has many problems of its own) for just a little bit longer, working really hard in school so I could get a scholarship to go ago to college, would equal a lifetime of freedom. And I was right..

It was a rocky journey– for two years I dealt with major depression, thinking I never ever would have a happy relationship or enjoy sex, feeling lonely and unloved by anyone other than my best friend (who ironically herself later got involved in a relationship where the guy was so controlling that he ended up literally keeping her as a prisoner, never letting her out of his sight– yes, he got arrested and went through the legal system).

But fast forward three years: I'm living on my own in a foreign country (I'm from the US), having a blast and no longer being depressed at all, and even have a very happy relationship with a great guy. Not to mention that I love my family more than ever for what they did to keep me away from him. I, as well as countless others, are living proof that you can and will make it if you keep being strong like you are now.

What is important is that you protect yourself. What your dad is doing, for example, may really suck right now, but I know he does it because he loves you. As my mom later admitted, how she did what she did was probably not the best way to have done it but she did the best she could. Try to remember that about your dad, as hard as it is right now.

Be honest with your parents about the situation so they can help you best they can, for example, if it might eventually involve a legal restraining order– so your boyfriend doesn't hurt you later. Because I promise you that if you stay with him, things will just get worse, this is speaking from my and others' experience. And you deserve a healthy, happy relationship.

As for your question, I apologize for not knowing more background info, but I don't quite understand. Who did your boyfriend beat up? I personally would not trust his word on anything. As for a side note, if you continue to go out to such parties where there is a risk your boyfriend might be there and could hurt you, make sure you are around friends and people like your brother or cousin (although her boyfriend prolly puts you at some risk, too) who can help protect you if the need should arrive.

Good luck. Stay Strong.

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