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Author Topic: what to do?
BlackTangledHeart
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Ok i know that there is a topic about cutting but i have read some of the posts on there and i haven't noticed any of the volunteers reply in there, and i posed somethign in there and no one has answered me, so is it ok to say how i feel here?
Ok, well i've been cutting since march'03. I stopped for awhile but recently have started up again. Well on saturday it was a really messed up night, me my friend and my bf were all round my house, then some messed up stuff happened and m bf got really mad and started hitting things etc, then he placed a knife on his wrist and was tring to cut, he also fractured his wrist that night(but from fixing a fence he fell backwards of it and landed on it, at the time we jus thought he bruised it) the image of him trying to cut on his wrist messed me and my friend up badly! i gto really upset and messed up from all the stuff that happened and i cut my leg worse than i have ever done before, when all had calmed, you could see the blood through my trousers and my bf was wanted me to show him my leg, i refused but he made me, he went mental swearing at me calling me stupid, then he went it's over and all this. Then he left my house, about 5mins he came back, my friend went2talk to him, and we got bk together.
then yesterday he kept squeezing my leg and pinching the cuts through my trousers he wouldn't let go, it really hurt, and he said it was my punishment for doign it and that i shouldn't have done it. We talked about me cutting, and he then said right this is your warning you ever do it agen were over. he made me throw away my blades, to prove that i would try and stop! I dont think its fair to give me an altermatum like that its so hard to stop cutting but i don't want to loose him. But he also tried to cut his wrist and he DID cut his hand, but he said it doesnt compare with what i did to my leg. i am going to try and stop and talk when i need to talk. should we just try and forget saturday night and try and put cutting behind us?

[This message has been edited by BlackTangledHeart (edited 01-20-2004).]


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logic_grrl
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OK, he's swearing at you, insulting you, and physically abusing you (yes, deliberately hurting you is abuse, even if he calls it "punishment" - no-one "deserves" to be abused, and he's not entitled to "punish" you just because you've done something that bothers him).

Frankly, this sounds like a very unsafe and unhealthy relationship. I don't think you should try and forget what he did, I think you should seriously consider leaving him.

If you don't decide to leave him immediately, you do at least need to have a very serious talk with him and let him know that treating you like this is not okay, and that you will leave him if he does it again.


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BlackTangledHeart
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But he only like swore at me cause he was angry and hurt and upset because i had cut, maybe it was just his reaction in dealing with it.
He knows how i feel about him punishing me, he's made me feel worse by doing that to me, i already felt guilty enough, the punishment of hurting him, my friend and hurrendous scars they will leave are enough punishment to me. it turns out he made me feel bad, cause he thought that it would make me stop that the guilt would be enoough to make me stop, but it's not it just made me worse. he hasn't piched or hurt my leg again.
But were not how we were before saturday night. theres a bit of tension n things between us, n were not as happy as we were.
will this go away? i dont want to loose him!

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logic_grrl
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quote:
But he only like swore at me cause he was angry and hurt and upset because i had cut, maybe it was just his reaction in dealing with it.

Even if he was angry and hurt, he still has a choice about how he behaves.

Yes, it can be very upsetting if your girlfriend/boyfriend or someone you care about is self-injuring.

But to be honest, it sounds as if he has no ability to cope with all the feelings this is bringing up in him, and he's responding in a way that is clearly harmful and destructive to you.

quote:
He knows how i feel about him punishing me, he's made me feel worse by doing that to me,

It's not his right or his job to "punish" you, or to try to use physical force and pain to stop you doing anything just because it upsets him.

So it's really not surprising that there's tension between you two right now.

If you want to try and make the relationship work, then you need to have a serious talk, and make it clear that swearing and hurting you is not okay - and definitely not helping.

You can let him know that you understand that he's upset by the cutting, but it's not his job to "fix" you or force you to stop.

But if he just can't handle it, then it may be best for both of you to end (or take a break from) the relationship.

[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 01-22-2004).]


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Heather
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Can I ask if either of you are currently getting counseling/therapy?

If not, I'd very earnestly suggest it, whether you stay together or not. For both of you.

If you are currently in counseling, I'd ask your counselor to help you assess if you're in a place where you really should be in a romantic relationship at all right now, especially with someone with the behaviours he's exhibiting. My guess is that he or she would say no, which would be pretty sound, from what you've described here.

If he or she thinks you ARE able to handle a realtionship right now, I'd ask for help/tools as to how to do that heathily. Because this is a seriously long way from healthy or positive, and if you're not fully seeing that, that's a big danger for you.


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BlackTangledHeart
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No miz scarlet i'm not currently seeign a counsellor, i never have. I'm too worried that my parent's would find out as i don't want to upset them. They don't understand cutting as they knew one of my friends used to do it.
I avoid family holidays abroad because of my scars im that serious that i dont want them to know.
if i went to a counsellor, would that mean my parents would have to find out?

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Heather
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Not knowing how therapy works in terms of the NHS in the UK, let's wait for logic on this one, she should know.

I'm sure something is workable; knowing your age might help.


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BlackTangledHeart
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I'm 16 mz scarlet
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logic_grrl
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OK, I haven't experienced this route myself, but your GP should be able to refer you to a therapist on the NHS.

Your GP is obliged to keep your information completely confidential, and so would the therapist (unless there's a reason for them to think that you're going to seriously endanger yourself or others).

However, as you are under 18, the GP will need to be confident that you are "competent" to make decisions about your own treatment. If not, s/he would have to get permission from your parents for any treatment.

And unless you're going to sneak out of the house to see the GP and therapist, it may be tricky to completely hide from your parents the fact that you're seeing a therapist.

Not necessarily impossible, but it could be tricky.

Even if you don't feel able to tell your parents about the cutting right now, might you feel able to tell them that you'd like to see a therapist/counsellor to talk about some stresses you're dealing with?

That would probably make things simpler, and they wouldn't have to know the details.

Just as a thought, I'd say there's a pretty good chance that your parents have already noticed that things are not okay with you, and are concerned about you.


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sweettweet22
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black...heart...I know that you are scared to go to counseling, but trust me,it's not as bad as it seems, and listen to Miz Scarlet and Logic..because they give GREAT advice...jus thought I would mention that- and I know how you feel about not loosin him, but sometimes you'll be better of if you do- it's hard to realize that he's hurting you now, but it's better to break it off earlier before it gets way out of hand like my sistuation(s) (I don know if you have read any of my post)- well, I don want to sound like someone that's telling you wat to do with your life, but I"m jus tellin you from my experience (ask logic!)- and believe it or not, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

------------------
I'm so confused- I scare myself~ "y do we luv the ppl that HATE us, and HATE the ppl that luv us?"


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BlackTangledHeart
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Thank you for your replies, me and my boyfriend are back to normal now, although he got drunk yesterday and i was scared off him. Not because i thought he was goign to hit me it's just my dad who i no longer see was an abusive alcoholic and he was scary so i guess my childhood does still live with me, of being scared of men and alcohol.i also kept having flash backs of last saturday i kept expecting everything to go wrong like it did last week, but it didn't this time he was a happy.
i talked to him and told him how i don tlike to be punished. and i'm considering goign to my gp and it probably would do me good to talk to someone as i do not want to carry on cutting it's hard to stop as ive been trying to stop for awhile now and i guess it won't hurt me to get some help. i also cant keep avoiding going on holiday with my parents,so i'm thinking of talking to them.
My leg is still in a state and i dont want to tell them while it's stil in that state although all my other scars etc are still there so i doubt it makes a difference.
i'm just not sure how to tell them and frankily i am scared of telling them...how's the best way telling my parents that i'm a cutter, when there views are just there attention seekers? an di don't think they can afford to send me to a therapist or counsellor so what do i do then?

[This message has been edited by BlackTangledHeart (edited 01-25-2004).]


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logic_grrl
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quote:
an di don't think they can afford to send me to a therapist or counsellor so what do i do then?

In theory, you should be able to get therapy or counselling free on the NHS, although in practice how available it is and how soon may well depend on what resources the NHS in your area has. Your GP should be able to refer you, so talk to her/him about it.

There are various good online and voluntary resources that may also be helpful:

http://www.self-injury.info/ has a great section on finding alternatives to self-injuring, and lots of links to UK support groups and resources.
http://www.users.zetnet.co.uk/BCSW/ is a national UK organization which provides help for women who self-injure - they have a helpline you can call.
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/fself.html - a guide to self-help for people who want to stop self-harming.
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html - lots of info on offline resources in the UK (from the same site - it's a really detailed and valuable site, so do check out all of it).

[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 01-25-2004).]


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heavenlystranger
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by BlackTangledHeart:
[B]Thank you for your replies, me and my boyfriend are back to normal now, although he got drunk yesterday and i was scared off him.


Being with someone should never, never be about being frightened. There are plenty of people out there that you don't have to be afraid of. Know that. And these people are giving you very good advice.
j.s.


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BlackTangledHeart
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Thank you logic girl i will look at those web pages, it's very appreciated thank you!

i've also got rid of ALL my blades, as when my boyfriend made me get rid of some i didn't get rid of them all although he thought i did. But i've got rid of them ALL now, and i'm very pleased with myself. and the good thing is i haven't felt the need to do it again, and i feel no guilt about throwing them away. i think i can actually do this, as long as if i talk to people about how i'm feeling etc as i know many people are there for me. all i can do is try my best and that's what i'm going to do!

ps. if i decide to go on holiday this year, my scars are very bad is there anyway that i can hide them from my parents? i think i'd have to wear shorts 100% of the time over my bathing suit n things to hide them. but i'm sure they'll think that's wierd. and also when i go shopping for bathign suits n things for holiday my mum comes with me what if she wants to see me in my bathing suits? or could i say i went through a bad stage and i'm over it now, would that work?

[This message has been edited by BlackTangledHeart (edited 01-30-2004).]


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BlackTangledHeart
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i went to my favourite bands gig on friday and on saturday my boyfriend told me while i was at the gig he got drunk with some mates inc girls.
then he came round and told me he needed to tell me something that happened when he got drunk. He kissed another girl. i dont know what to do i thought he loved me and he goes and does this. i was asking him lots of questions tryign to make sense of it all then i asked if he fondled her whilst kissing her he said no but went mentle knocking things over etc, swearing at me etc etc. then we went odwnstairs and i was saying stuff to him and he pushed me really hard out of his way and i fell, it really hurt. i don't know what to do anymore, i cant believe he did this to me, he's supposed to love me. do i forgive him? i really wanted to die when he told me. he wants me to stop cutting, he triggered me so badly he should have known how i would react and how depressed this has made me. i didnt cut because none of thi sis my fault but i somehow think that it could be maybe im so horrible that he had to have someone else... i feel so low i'm supposed to be talking to him today, i want to give him a 2nd chance as id regret not doing so id rather try again then regret not doing so...
i feel so down
sorry just needed to vent!

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logic_grrl
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quote:
i want to give him a 2nd chance as id regret not doing so id rather try again then regret not doing so...

Bear in mind that he's already "gone mental" and verbally and physically abused you at least once before.

It's totally unacceptable for him to treat you like this, and it's obviously hurting you emotionally and psychologically - you've mentioned that it's "triggering" you.

I think you need to think very seriously about whether this relationship is at all healthy or safe for you right now.

You need to look out for your own sanity and wellbeing, okay?


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BlackTangledHeart
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Yesterday i went round his to talk it through. It didn't go very well but in the end we decided to give it another go,after tons of arguements and me crying my eyes out loads.
and i thought i'd be happy about giving it another go. but i'm really not, i don't understand why i'm not happy.
i wrote him a letter that i read out to him that i wrote o sunday morning whilst in tears upset and confused. so he could understand how i was feeling about the whole situation.
he listened n didn't say much, the only part he made a comment on was when i said he pushed me and he went you were in my way, and wouldnt move. he also commented on me trying to stop him drinking saying i control him too much cause i also stopped him smoking weed. which he told me he didnt want to do again anyway before this. im not stoppign him from drinking i just want him to drink less and control himself more, how can i trust him again when he's drunk how do i know he won't kiss another girl!
he again turned the whole situation into making out im the bad guy which made me feel even worse! it was him saying why should i take you back and stuff just because i asked laods of questions about friday night, he also say i treat him like nothing etc. he didnt want to get back together yesterday but he wanted to on saturday,then decideds we would give it another go. he's made really confused
sorry about long post just needed to vent again im really confused.

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logic_grrl
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I think you should take another look at what Miz S said earlier:

quote:
this is a seriously long way from healthy or positive, and if you're not fully seeing that, that's a big danger for you.

This guy is regularly going "mental", swearing at you and insulting you whenever he gets upset. He thinks it's okay to pinch you to "punish" you, and shove you around if you're in his way. And he's treating you like you're the "bad guy" in the relationship and it's all your fault.

Unless things change, this isn't a healthy or safe relationship for anyone to be in. And for change to happen, he'd need to be willing to change his behaviour (which is evidently not the case).

It's really not that surprising that you're not feeling very happy about continuing it.

Here are some things I think you should read: Safer Sex... For Your Heart.
The Abusive Partner Checklist

[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 02-02-2004).]


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BlackTangledHeart
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Thank you for all your help...
i really want to go on holiday with my family this year..btu because of the bad scars on my leg im scared of going because i cant wear a paira of shorts or a sarong all the time.. they would think that pretty wierd..and would ask why, and there no way in spanish weather they would not get a tiny look at them, so i guess my best bet is tellign them..
but i don't know how to get the words out im a "recovering cutter" ..
ive wanted to say it was a phase and i'm over it now so they won't make a big deal of it..but you can tell from the really bad scars that they were done not so long ago.
so im just wondering if you have any adivce in how to go about tellign my parents?
also is there any quicker way of getting rid of my scars, like a lotion or i heard somethign about these pataches theat u wear over ur scars for a few months and they disapear, but they are really expensive..is this true?
if i tell my mother that ive thrown all my blades away and im stopping, do you stil think she'll want me to go to therapy and talk to someone?
my best friend really wants me to go to a counsellor to talk about my issues, she basically told me i was very messed up n needed help, it isnt nice being told that..i don;t know what to do anymore...im stopping so surely i dont need to talk to anyone!?

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logic_grrl
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quote:
but i don't know how to get the words out im a "recovering cutter" .

Could you write them a letter? I know it sounds weird, but sometimes it's possible to say stuff on paper that you can't say face-to-face.

quote:
im stopping so surely i dont need to talk to anyone!?

The thing is, talking to someone like a good therapist can help you stop cutting, and help you find more positive ways of dealing with stress in the future.

It can also help you understand the emotional issues behind the cutting. Cutting isn't just something that happens for no reason, like catching a cold - it's never someone's only "issue".

For example, in this thread, you're not just talking about cutting, you're talking about having a lot of trouble in a relationship which seems to be very unhealthy and unsafe.

Talking to someone can help you get through that. It doesn't mean you're "messed up" or "crazy" or anything else you may be afraid of - it's just a good way of getting some support when you need it.


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DRepublicScaredyCat14
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I cut myself. I finally got caught Friday. I got sent to the guidance office we talked about it and I think I won't cut myself again..hopefully.

------------------
Is scared alll the time...^-^ I repp

The Dominicans...and everyBody else.


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