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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Something is wrong with my head.

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Author Topic: Something is wrong with my head.
RoadsideDistraction
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**please dont read this if you do not at least have a semi-strong stomach**

because i do not wish to freak anybody out...though im sure i will

hope this doesnt freak too many people out...this question isnt really about sex education or anything, but i couldnt find a forum that looked like it was better to post it in. please move it mods, if you think it would be better somewhere else, just let me know where it was moved to please.

that being said, yes, there is something wrong with me.

the smaller problem is that lately i feel like all my friends secretly hate me and dont want me around. i dont know if this is true or not, but i know it may be paranoid.

but here is the real reason i came here:

i am coming here for advice because at this point im not sure if i am ready to seek other help yet, and i did not know where else to go. and here, nobody knows who i am, and i havent told anybody this yet, and i dont want anybody knowing. usually i can tell at least one of my best friends the deepest and darkest of the things that happen to me, but this is not the case for this problem, yet. i dont want anybody knowing yet.

new year's night, besides being new years, seemed like a normal night.

i went home and got on the computer around 1am. i am not much of a drinker or anything, and neither were the friends i hung out with. so i was completely sober, so dont think i just got wasted or something when i tell you this.

i started freaking out.

sometimes i freak out at night, but it tends to happen more often when i am stressed out.

but lately i havent been stressed out, and i cant think of any logical reason why i would freak out like i sometimes do.

the memory is kind of blurred now, as is the day after.

which is also strange, beecause usually i have a great memory, and this only happened a few days ago.

but basically, i think i am losing my mind.

i remember sitting here in my computer chair...

and i turned on aerosmith's "falling in love is hard on the knees" because i used to love that song, and i heard some kid at work playing it today, and i had totally forgotten about it.

i started getting...urges...and feeling extremely not normal. like my whole thought process was being made to work differently. i cant think of a good way to explain it.

i kept playing that aerosmith song (after it had stopped for a while, i would turn it back on) and staring at the screen for probably quite a while

but anyway, these urges were basically self mutalation.

i had a strong desire to get a knife and cut my arms. not like i was commiting suicide, just cutting my skin.

i freaked out some more and tried to not think about it.

i dont remember going to bed

i got up in the morning and got in the shower, and the whole time i felt urges to cut my arms again. sorry this is pretty gross, but i also had urges to bite my fingers off. i had to stop myself from doing it, and i almost cried for myself because i was sure i had gone insane. maybe i am...but i wanted to cry. only i have a problem with crying, and i cant ever start. so i didnt, even though i tried to.

i have never had urges of self mutalation before, and i remember one time this girl i used to talk to on the internet told me she used to do it until she got help, and the thought of doing it myself made me shiver.

then i figured i needed to get the hell out of my house and try to get my mind off of these horrible things, and hope i wouldnt lose it at my friend's house. luckily i didnt. i was too occupied hanging out, thank you God.

i spent the night there and went home today, and tonight is today's tonight.

jesus, has it only been a day?

anyway im wondering what to do.

and i am coming here because none of you know who i am. though i might make a new alias after this, so none of you know i am the weirdo that might be going insane.

but for this same reason is the reason i cannot go to anybody i know in real life...i dont think they would ever really look at me the same again, if they ever did.

i havent cut myself yet, but i want to.

i am unashamed to admit i am scared.

------------------
Thank you for any help.

[This message has been edited by RoadsideDistraction (edited 01-03-2004).]

[This message has been edited by RoadsideDistraction (edited 01-03-2004).]


Posts: 6 | From: Springfield, ???, USA | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Milke
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I don't think you have any idea how many people self-mutilate or have wanted to. It's not a healthy thing to do, but it doesn't make you a freak, either, or weird, or sick, just someone who could use some help. I'm horribly blunt, and bad with this sort of advice, but I am going to send this topic to Support Groups, where topics like this tend to go, and where there are a lot of other threads on similar issues. You might want to look around, see what you can find on therapy, cutting, and general distress, and wait for someone a bit better with this sort of thing (since it's pretty late now) to provide their wisdom. Good luck.

------------------
Milke, with an L, Mrs BD to you, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, WAOTA

We can't rewind, we've gone too far


Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
RoadsideDistraction
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ya i know there have been other people who are "slashers"...but im just scared because of the thing with my fingers, and because of the way i felt. i cant describe it, it just freaked me out.

and plus a few months ago i hallucinated when i was freaking out, but my plan was to try and forget about it unless it happened again...and it hasnt, but this happened, and i really am scared i am losing my mind...

i just dont know what is going on.

but ya i can already tell that i was being too scared when i wrote this topic with the being afraid of people's reaction...didnt mean to...i guess i just forget you guys are fairly nice and open minded and accepting people, which is why i came here in the first place =]

[This message has been edited by RoadsideDistraction (edited 01-03-2004).]


Posts: 6 | From: Springfield, ???, USA | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
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Hallucinations can occur in a variety of different conditions.

If the "urge" to bite off your fingers felt like something you didn't want to do at all, but something that you "had" to do, then that could be a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder or a related condition.

I'm not a clinician or a psychiatrist of any sort, but the key thing to remember is that all these conditions are very treatable.

This sort of stuff can be terrifying to go through (and I speak from personal experience here), but help is available. The first step is to talk to a doctor or counsellor.


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RoadsideDistraction
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what do you mean by hallucinations can occur under a variety of conditions? like what kind of conditions?

ive just never heard of that before...but if it is true then maybe i have something to be thankful for.

and i am not really sure how to describe the "urge". it was like, i really really wanted to do it, but another part of me was telling me that it wasnt a good idea because i would need my fingers for later. (durh)

that probably sounds like a pretty stupid reason to not do it...


Posts: 6 | From: Springfield, ???, USA | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
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Hallucinations can occur in a very wide range of different psychiatric and emotional conditions. For example, they can occur in severe depression or bipolar disorder, or as part of schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder, or as a reaction to drugs or medications or sensory deprivation.

There's even some evidence that some people may experience occasional hallucinations (such as hearing voices) without any other mental problems at all.

If you were able to recognize that the hallucination was in your own mind and wasn't "real", then you're talking about something that can occur in an even wider range of conditions (for example, that can be part of OCD or anxiety disorders).

Anyway, I'm not a psychiatrist, so please don't think I'm an expert!

The thing to hang on to, though, is that a lot of stuff that is very, very scary to experience is also very treatable. Sometimes it takes therapy, sometimes it takes medication, often it takes a bit of both - but there are very, very effective treatments available.

Having an emotional or psychiatric problem is just like having a physical illness or disability; you may need some special treatment or to adapt your life for a while.

But it's not like you "lose your mind" and never get it back .

(If you need some inspiration, check out books by Kay Redfield Jamison, Lauren Slater or Lori Schiller, who are all very successful professionals and writers who have major psychiatric diagnoses).

[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 01-03-2004).]


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RoadsideDistraction
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well i really appreciate all the help so far!

i dont think you need me to tell you that i feel better about it now...just compare my first post to my other ones in this topic...

and also, turns out i have a counselor, though i havent seen him for a few months...but i can always give him a call and get an appointment.

though i am going to be pretty ashamed and embarrassed to tell him all of this. and i will feel like a freak, and i just dont want him to think less of me. see, he is a really cool guy i think, and if money wasnt an issue, id go there to talk to him all the time just to talk to him about everyday things. =D

so ya, i think i COULD tell him...i will have to i guess...but i dont know when i will do this. i know sooner will be better, but with the way life is going right now (not just this, but with other things too), i dont know if i feel like being brave right now.

but ya, thanks for taking the time and having the patience to read my LONG post, and listen to me ramble on. and of course, thanks for replying with your thoughts. =]

i really do appreciate it.

feel free to add anything if you think of something, ill be checking this topic still probably daily, but i also will try and remember to update it whenever i see the counselor and see what he thinks.


Posts: 6 | From: Springfield, ???, USA | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
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quote:
and i will feel like a freak, and i just dont want him to think less of me.

If someone is going to think less of people for having emotional or psychological problems, then they shouldn't be a counsellor to begin with .

Counsellors and therapists aren't likely to be freaked by someone's having a psychological problem, any more than the average doctor is going to be freaked by someone's having a physical problem.

If he's really a cool guy, you'll likely find him much more supportive than you think.

And counsellors are supposed to be the people you can be honest with, instead of having to put on an act to impress them.


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daisygurl
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No need to quote the whole post, just the bits you're referring to.
Hi I just wanted to reply to this because i am 27 years old and have been a self mutilator since i was 9 years old. It is a very scary thing when it takes places. I have done everything from slices with knifes,scratches with safety pins,biting myself. I have recently decided that i can not do trhis any more. i want help to stop. If you need someone to talk to you can email me at edited
I will be more than happy to share my experience with you.

[This message has been edited by wobblyheadedjane (edited 02-02-2004).]


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daisygurl
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any way i will be willing to help you by sharing my experiences with you. I have been a seflmutilator since i was 9 and am 27 now. my email address is edited

Edited because it's against the rules to post your email address here, for your own safety, okay?

[This message has been edited by wobblyheadedjane (edited 02-02-2004).]


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UnderTheBridge
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Have you ever been involved in any demonic activity? That sounds like the problem to me, possession. I can't think of any other reason, you don't just go insane in an instant, and you sound like a reasonable guy to me. If you have ever been involved with demons, you need to get rid of them. I'll leave it up to you to find your own way of doing it.
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Milke
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Well, if Roadside Distraction gives birth to an evil red-eyed child some time this fall I guess I'll owe you an apology. But quite seriously, there's already been some decent advice given, so let's let that stand, and keep the demon talk in horror movies where it belongs, okay?

------------------
Milke, with an L, Mrs BD to you, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, WAOTA

And everybody's got to live their life
And God knows I've got to live mine


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UnderTheBridge
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Don't make it sound like demons don't exist because they do, I was just giving a suggestion, not everything is mental and physical in life.
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wobblyheadedjane
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Well, that may or may not be true, but whether there are non-corporeal things floating about, I think it's unlikely that a malevolent one has lodged itself inside anyone posting here at Scarleteen. The original poster here has already gotten loads of good advice, either from other posters, or from the counselor they're seeing, so I doubt at this point that the thread is even that relavent anymore.
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