It has taken me over five and a half years to talk about my feelings and because I can't afford counseling right now, this is where I shall post my feelings. I would greatly appreciate your suggestions and advice.
My name is Tara and I'm almost 25. I am moving to Nashville soon for a new job offer and I'm fairly excited about that. I have a lot of great things going for me including a great family, supportive friends, and a great educational background (master's and bachelor's). I am considered beautiful, outgoing, happy, intelligent, compassionate, and full of life by others and I agree with them. But while I am happy now, I am starting to feel the way I did years ago. On March 27, 1998, I was raped by someone who I didn't know. I lost my virginity to him and my pleas and my resistance were ignored; I was too weak against him. I contracted an STD from him and for nearly a year after the attack, my world fell apart. I was depressed for almost a year but I snapped out of it one day. It was like looking in the mirror and thinking, "What are you doing to yourself?"
I have had so many failed relationships. I have had two boyfriends cheat on me and two that would not touch me below the belt. I cannot tell you how devastating that is to someone's self-esteem though I'm sure many of you know first-hand how I feel. In February of 2002, I decided to have intercourse with a man and that, to me, was my first time (and only time thus far). He was very patient and compassionate and he knew what happened to me as well as the consolation prize I won. Heh. Ever since we went our separate ways (and before then), I have had a lot of trouble in relationships. I was afraid to become sexually involved but now I'm not... as long as the man is willing to work with me slowly and accept everything about me. All of the guys I've dated and told the truth to say they accept it but it is their actions that speak the truth. By not touching me and by cheating on me, I'm really afraid to get close to someone now.
I have met someone amazing and I really like him. If we become close enough that I think we'll become intimate, then I will have to tell him what happened to me. I have several fears though. First, he is a police officer and I have never been to the police about the rape before. Hindsight is always 20/20 and yes, I do wish that I had gone to the police years ago. Even if he accepts the rape, will he accept the consolation prize I received from it? I'm so afraid that he won't. He made a comment on one of our dates that makes me wonder and though I have always run away when I hear a comment I don't like (referring to an STD or rape), I didn't run from him and I don't want to.
I have made so many poor decisions in the past 5 years. With the exception of the man I decided to sleep with last year, every single guy I have dated has been beneath the standards that I have set for myself. I know that sounds hoity-toity but what I mean by that is that I feel like good-looking and intelligent men with phenomenal personalities won't be interested in me. Instead, I go after the guys who I think will accept what I have to say and if they don't, well, then I don't feel as bad for being rejected. Here is a man who I'm crazy about and he's everything that I want and more. It's taken me almost 6 years to realize it but I think I do need to seek counseling for what happened and for the STD that resulted because I don't know if I am truly ready for anybody until I try to talk about my feelings. Because other than my journal, no one knows how I truly feel inside. Though I've touched on my feelings in this post, I have not really expressed my feelings of shame, guilt, and fear.
I am a walking social stigma and I hate it. I need to deal with it because I would like to have a shot with this man, provided he is that special kind of guy who can accept me for all that I truly am.
Thanks for listening.
[This message has been edited by blue02rsxs (edited 12-14-2003).]