In my teens, my boiyfriend suicided, so I remember all too well all of the feelings you're having.

I can't encourage you enough to seek out a good counselor. I know mine was completely amazing in helping me get through those first few months, which are by and far, the absolute hardest. It does get easier, I promise, it just takes a long time. And it really helps a lot to have an impartial adult who is there to care for you and expressly help you, so you don't feel like you have to beg for help or be asking for it all the time, as that's their job.

It's so hard to process the death of a friend when you're young, because one doesn't expect young people to die suddently, for any reason. But you know, it is a process. I'd suggest you stop worrying about what other people need from you right now, or about pretending to be shiny and happy. You're allowed to grieve, you NEED to grieve, and your friends may be more supportive when you stop acting and really ask for their help and support. Everyone grieves differently, and for different periods of time, and you're aallowed to do that how you need to, for as long as you need to. Not letting yourself really do thatt makes it hurt a lot worse for a lot longer.

Some other things that might help? I know writing helped me a lot: journal entries, poetry, letters to your friend saying the things you didn't get a chance to say, etc.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen