My sexual experiences to date have not been good. One bad experience led to another, and I'm at the point that I just can't believe that sex can be enjoyable (or pleasureable).
To start, my parents aren't conservative exactly and when we have had the sex talks my mother has been "open", but naturally the talks are always very awkward. However based on several things she said, I started to think sex was bad and when I thought about it I felt guilty. The first time I masturbated, I felt guilty to the point of crying, and almost to the point cutting as well.
I started to figure I'm just the screwed up child, and since I can't seem to fit into my parents ideals, maybe I should embrace my screwed up-ness and figure out what I truely believe.
My first sexual encounter took place in secret while my parents were out. It wasn't enjoyable, and I was in fact pressured into doing things that I didn't want to do, though I did say no when he wanted to break my biggest rule for myself.
My second experience(s) came from my relationship of 7 months. He pressured me, and we became active very early in the relationship. When we got together it seemed to just be about sex. He never wanted to do anything for me though; it was always about him. By month 6 I was so frustrated I didn't know what to do. I again felt guilty because I started to fantasize about other men and felt that in doing that, I was in a way cheating on him. I finally got up the nerve to break up with him the 7th month. The exact day was in fact our 7 month anniversary. He later told me that he was with me because he needed to cover up to his parents the fact that he is gay. This hurt because the first couple of months really meant something to me. But after a while I just felt used, and it turned out I was.
My third encounter was a sexual assault. About 2 months after I broke up with my boyfriend (from the above paragraph) I was extremely stressed out (finals were coming up), somewhat depressed, and on the verge of cutting again (I had quit and had been cut-free for a little over a year and a half, I'm guestimating). A girl friend of mine told me to go to this party and to "relax and have a few". I asked her if she would keep an eye on me so I didn't overdo it. She agreed, and was also my designated driver. That night she kept making me drinks. After a while I was completely out of it, but I do remember her ex-lover whom she occasionally would hook up with come in to the party. He was in one of my classes so I barely knew him, but knew of him through the class and through my friend.
I vaguely remember what happened, but I remember my friend telling me we were going to go over to her ex-lover's house with him and his roommate. I remember a little bit in the car, then I remember sitting on the couch in his living room. Somehow he moved into his bedroom, and though I remember a little (would wake up, pass out, wake up etc) of the experience, I will spare you those details. I don't want to talk about them in detail anyway, and I'm fairly certain it is against the rules to post in depth as well. But at any rate, I woke up next to my friend and her ex lover the next morning. On the way back home the next day my "friend" didn't say anything about what happened the previous night. She was however really upset that she "could never have a real relationship with this guy", and she was driving the car insane. I was scare and freaking out because of all of this (the experience from the previous night and her reckless driving), but I heard myself apologize to her if I screwed things up for her and her guy.
I didn't think about the encounter much after the morning after. I cried all day the morning after, but after that it became numb. Occasionally when I really think about it, or smell something that resembles the scent he or she wore, I get sick to my stomach. The perfume she wore always made me sick anyway before the incident, but now it is just that much worse.
About one or two months after that I ended up randomly hooking up with this guy over the summer for a one nighter. I put a low price tag on my body and had no respect for myself. It just happened.
My last experience happened last night. I feel extremely guilty about what happened. I have a huge lab assignment due tomorrow that I can't concentrate on, as well as finals this week and next. At this exact point in time, I'm not sure how to make it through tonight, much less the next two weeks.
Yesterday a bunch of us who post together on another message board figured that we all would be in Los Angeles at the same time, and that we should get together. (I go to school here, 3 others live in LA as well, and the last one flew in for Thanksgiving with his mother.) We went to lunch, played a little at the 3 guys house, then the other guy and I went back to my place. It started innocent. We were just going to watch movies, order pizza, etc. He kept finding ways to touch me throughout the night. We ended up having a pillow fight which resulted in me going into my room to grab another pillow. He followed me in, and things just went from there.
This experience wasn't forced, and he was so gentle and aware of how I was feeling at all times. I told him I didn't want to do something, and he didn't pressure me. I changed my mind about doing one thing and he double checked to make sure I was really okay with it before proceeding.
The problem is this was a completely random hookup, and it is likely I won't ever see him again (though I will probably "see" him online and talk to him there). I had just met this guy for the first time that day, and I didn't even know him that well on the forums either. (I knew 2 of the 3 guys well and that was the main reason I went.) Another thing is he is 30, and I'm 18.
I am feeling such anxiety right now. I know that sexually speaking, I am screwed up. A good friend of mine lives a "sexually free" and "flirtatious" life style and always seems like she is having fun. Well all I know is that that just won't work for me.
In part I said it was okay that he stay and watch movies because I felt lonely. I just moved across 3 states to go to school this past August and I don't have any family here. I hardly know anyone, and my roommate always goes home for the weekend. I feel so alone so often. I appreciated the company.
I don't really expect an answer. I'm not even really asking a question. I know I'm screwed up. I'm not entirely sure how to "fix" myself, but I know it certainly won't happen overnight. Though I did have this setback last night, I feel as though I was on the road to discovering who I was (in all aspects of life, including sexually speaking) and I think if I can get back on that road things should start to look up again.
It's just getting through the anxiety/guilt I feel right now that has me to the point of tears.
[This message has been edited by CrazyGirl (edited 12-01-2003).]