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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Just need to vent (really long)

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Author Topic: Just need to vent (really long)
CrazyGirl
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Member # 2648

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My sexual experiences to date have not been good. One bad experience led to another, and I'm at the point that I just can't believe that sex can be enjoyable (or pleasureable).

To start, my parents aren't conservative exactly and when we have had the sex talks my mother has been "open", but naturally the talks are always very awkward. However based on several things she said, I started to think sex was bad and when I thought about it I felt guilty. The first time I masturbated, I felt guilty to the point of crying, and almost to the point cutting as well.

I started to figure I'm just the screwed up child, and since I can't seem to fit into my parents ideals, maybe I should embrace my screwed up-ness and figure out what I truely believe.

My first sexual encounter took place in secret while my parents were out. It wasn't enjoyable, and I was in fact pressured into doing things that I didn't want to do, though I did say no when he wanted to break my biggest rule for myself.

My second experience(s) came from my relationship of 7 months. He pressured me, and we became active very early in the relationship. When we got together it seemed to just be about sex. He never wanted to do anything for me though; it was always about him. By month 6 I was so frustrated I didn't know what to do. I again felt guilty because I started to fantasize about other men and felt that in doing that, I was in a way cheating on him. I finally got up the nerve to break up with him the 7th month. The exact day was in fact our 7 month anniversary. He later told me that he was with me because he needed to cover up to his parents the fact that he is gay. This hurt because the first couple of months really meant something to me. But after a while I just felt used, and it turned out I was.

My third encounter was a sexual assault. About 2 months after I broke up with my boyfriend (from the above paragraph) I was extremely stressed out (finals were coming up), somewhat depressed, and on the verge of cutting again (I had quit and had been cut-free for a little over a year and a half, I'm guestimating). A girl friend of mine told me to go to this party and to "relax and have a few". I asked her if she would keep an eye on me so I didn't overdo it. She agreed, and was also my designated driver. That night she kept making me drinks. After a while I was completely out of it, but I do remember her ex-lover whom she occasionally would hook up with come in to the party. He was in one of my classes so I barely knew him, but knew of him through the class and through my friend.

I vaguely remember what happened, but I remember my friend telling me we were going to go over to her ex-lover's house with him and his roommate. I remember a little bit in the car, then I remember sitting on the couch in his living room. Somehow he moved into his bedroom, and though I remember a little (would wake up, pass out, wake up etc) of the experience, I will spare you those details. I don't want to talk about them in detail anyway, and I'm fairly certain it is against the rules to post in depth as well. But at any rate, I woke up next to my friend and her ex lover the next morning. On the way back home the next day my "friend" didn't say anything about what happened the previous night. She was however really upset that she "could never have a real relationship with this guy", and she was driving the car insane. I was scare and freaking out because of all of this (the experience from the previous night and her reckless driving), but I heard myself apologize to her if I screwed things up for her and her guy.

I didn't think about the encounter much after the morning after. I cried all day the morning after, but after that it became numb. Occasionally when I really think about it, or smell something that resembles the scent he or she wore, I get sick to my stomach. The perfume she wore always made me sick anyway before the incident, but now it is just that much worse.

About one or two months after that I ended up randomly hooking up with this guy over the summer for a one nighter. I put a low price tag on my body and had no respect for myself. It just happened.

My last experience happened last night. I feel extremely guilty about what happened. I have a huge lab assignment due tomorrow that I can't concentrate on, as well as finals this week and next. At this exact point in time, I'm not sure how to make it through tonight, much less the next two weeks.

Yesterday a bunch of us who post together on another message board figured that we all would be in Los Angeles at the same time, and that we should get together. (I go to school here, 3 others live in LA as well, and the last one flew in for Thanksgiving with his mother.) We went to lunch, played a little at the 3 guys house, then the other guy and I went back to my place. It started innocent. We were just going to watch movies, order pizza, etc. He kept finding ways to touch me throughout the night. We ended up having a pillow fight which resulted in me going into my room to grab another pillow. He followed me in, and things just went from there.

This experience wasn't forced, and he was so gentle and aware of how I was feeling at all times. I told him I didn't want to do something, and he didn't pressure me. I changed my mind about doing one thing and he double checked to make sure I was really okay with it before proceeding.

The problem is this was a completely random hookup, and it is likely I won't ever see him again (though I will probably "see" him online and talk to him there). I had just met this guy for the first time that day, and I didn't even know him that well on the forums either. (I knew 2 of the 3 guys well and that was the main reason I went.) Another thing is he is 30, and I'm 18.

I am feeling such anxiety right now. I know that sexually speaking, I am screwed up. A good friend of mine lives a "sexually free" and "flirtatious" life style and always seems like she is having fun. Well all I know is that that just won't work for me.

In part I said it was okay that he stay and watch movies because I felt lonely. I just moved across 3 states to go to school this past August and I don't have any family here. I hardly know anyone, and my roommate always goes home for the weekend. I feel so alone so often. I appreciated the company.

I don't really expect an answer. I'm not even really asking a question. I know I'm screwed up. I'm not entirely sure how to "fix" myself, but I know it certainly won't happen overnight. Though I did have this setback last night, I feel as though I was on the road to discovering who I was (in all aspects of life, including sexually speaking) and I think if I can get back on that road things should start to look up again.

It's just getting through the anxiety/guilt I feel right now that has me to the point of tears.

[This message has been edited by CrazyGirl (edited 12-01-2003).]


Posts: 136 | From: City of Angels | Registered: Feb 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I' d say the first step to both feeling better right now AND long term is throwing away, entire, the idea that you're 'sexually screwed up."
Because really,let's looks at the four sitations:

#1: Involved coercion and secrecy.
#2: Involved coercion, one-sidedness and you being terribly manipulated.
#3: Was a sexual assault. That doesn't count as a sexual choice of yours, love.
#4: Was a poor choice on your part, if a one-night-stand was NOT what you wanted.
#5: Was a poor choice on your part.

Can you look at that, simplified that much? Because if you do, you'll see that from this side of your yard, the last two incidents appear to be the only time you even fully chose to engage yourself in the sort of sex presented to you.

That'd be likely only two poor choices. And heck, even if you'd only made FOUR poor choices, you'd still be pretty darn average.

Sex can be both enjoyable and pleasurable, when it's fully consensual, when not only is it what you want, but the context it occurs in is ALSO what you want.

And henceforth, looks to me like that's just a matter of getting a handle on what that is (because as you've said, you know you and your friend are different people), on getting perhaps a better radar for people who are coercing you (sadly, while there are a few things we can do to protect ourseves from assault, it isn't something we can simply choose not to engage in, thus it is assault), and setting limits and boundaries for yourself and potential partners you know you feel good about.

You want help with that, we can do that. But a good place to start, I think, is with knowing you're okay. You're not screwed up, In terms of poor choices that were actually choices you made and things you consented to freely, you made a couple bad ones. You'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who hasn't.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CrazyGirl
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Thanks so much, Miz S, for your reply.

I've had some time to think about it and I'm still "confused". I have taken your advice though, and have thrown out the sexually screwed up idea.

So what am I confused about now? Well I just got to thinking about everything. I truely feel as though most of this is about me questioning my own beliefs. I think I mentioned that I'm unable to fit in with my parents' ideals. Instead of finding my own, I went the route of my friend and tried to be flirty and whatnot. Then of course there was that one night hookup over the summer.

I've actually talked to my friend about it a little. She thinks I "care" too much. Which is true, I'm an emotional person and I always over analyze emotions, relationships, etc. I want to experience that something special with "the one". In a way, I do care too much. I am in no way saying that people who participate in this lifestyle are wrong, don't care, etc. I am just unable to explain my own feelings without using words that in reverse may look like I'm saying something against that lifestyle.

When I turned 18 I got a different sex talk. I got the talk that told me not to sleep around because someday when I do meet my special someone I'd have to tell him how many people I had been with previously, and what would he think about what I told him.

This talk did stick with me, and I keep thinking I'm a "bad person" for having "so many" partners. When I am on my own and away from parental influences I am able to live my life fine, and aside from nights when I feel anxiety such as the night I originally posted, I am "okay" with what has happened. Granted as you pointed out some experiences involved coercion and one was an assault, but most of the time I feel like I've "put it all behind me". Since occasionally it'll come back and haunt me, so to speak, that's not the case, but I mean overall I generally feel pretty good.

The odd part about all of this is I did not experience the same kind of anxiety the morning after my summer experience than my most recent one. The summer hook up was about sex; that was it. But this last experience was somehow different. And it may sound stupid because afterall we had just met, but I feel there was a deeper connection on both parts. He didn't do his thing then get up and leave. We spent a good amount of time together before and after.

I think that what scares me is I saw a glimpse of what I would call a "real man". Again, I use that term lightly. What I mean is he was a complete gentleman. The biggest thing was I felt safe with him, and I haven't felt that in a while. Everything was so sensual, whereas previous experiences were the stereotypical wham, bam, thank you ma'am type of encounters.

I saw a glimpse of what I wanted in a life partner. Then that part of me that remembers word for word that sex talk got scared and felt guilty for previous sexual experience. Yes I know he's not "the one" or any of that, but I think subconsciously something clicked in me and made me think what would a great guy like this say to your past.

Does any of this make sense? I'm just blabbering again, but I appreciate the outlet to do so. Basically as a recap, I'm struggling with making my beliefs about sex (and sure, life in general) my own. I know I don't agree with some of my parents beliefs, and I know I don't agree with some of friends, other family, and coworkers beliefs. It's just a matter of, as cliche as it may be, finding myself.


Posts: 136 | From: City of Angels | Registered: Feb 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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