My Mom told me that when I was very little, my father beat us. She finally got out if the house and eventually met my step dad (Chris). Well, here I am, 15 years later (having no memory of what happened) and terrified. Ever since I was little, I've been very scared of men, and now that I know this....
I hate him. I was just a child, and he was my dad. He is supposed to love me and care for me but he just didn't. So how can some stranger (Chris) love me when my own Dad hated me? Why should I love him? Every time that he touches me I feel like screaming and I can't even hug him. I don't know why I hate him but I do and it really sucks.
We are watching a movie in Health called "Sybil" and it's really hard to watch because I know it happened to me. I get very depressed when I see it going on. My teacher said that the last part is going to be graphic or something so I guess I'm going to embarrass the hell out of myself and ask not to watch it.
Is it normal to feel like this when I don't even remember it?
You know, Sybil's now genrally considered a hoax, or at very least, a gross exaggeration. Quite simply, taking it as factual information is misguided. I read the novel years ago, and while some of it was disturbing, I wouldn't say it was likely to unlock hidden memories or trauma. Carrie was pretty disturbing too, but it was at least acknowledged as a horror story, and both tales are probably best interpreted that way.
If you've suffered abuse in your own life, however, why not seek counselling? Lots of people do it, lots of people find it helpful. There's a lot more a trained therapist working one-on-one with you could do than we ever can through a web board, so please do look into it.
------------------ Milke, with an L, Mrs BD to you, RATS, TMNTP, MF, CWCD, WAOTA
quote:Originally posted by Milke: You know, Sybil's now genrally considered a hoax, or at very least, a gross exaggeration. Quite simply, taking it as factual information is misguided.
Sorry, but I'm not "misguided" because I already knew that and I also know that it really happens in real life to many people. Maybe I just didn't explain myself well. When I see abuse go on, it makes me think about my Dad. Thinking about my Dad makes me think ahout being abused and I am terrified. I was wondering if it's normal to feel this way when I can't remember what happend. I've seen a counselor for a year and I still don't know the answer.
It might be worth bearing in mind that almost all human beings have what's called "early childhood amnesia".
Because of the way memory develops, it's normal for people not to have any clear memories from before they're about 3 or 4.
So lacking memories from early childhood doesn't necessarily mean that something traumatic happened then. But if you were abused in any way very early childhood, it makes it particularly likely that you won't have any memories of it, or may only have fragmentary memories.
If you were beaten by your dad or were around while your mom was beaten, that's very traumatic in itself and could explain the fear you are feeling, whether or not there was any other abuse as well.
And yes, trauma can still have a very major effect even if you don't remember it.
[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 11-28-2003).]
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