This is so hard to explain, because what I want is what tortures another.
I want to be raped; I want get pregnant (age 15, by the way); I want to get into drugs...I want to suffer a miserable, miserable life and I don't know why. I know that some people "play rape" for sexual fantasies, but I know no one who'd want their life ruined for no particular cause...
Every night, I will be very depressed (I was diagnosed with clinical depression about a year ago) and just think about being hurt by someone and I will act it out; screaming and crying, everything ... without even noticing it until I calm down. This is so messed up, but I can't tell anyone because I'm too ashamed.
well, this has all gotta come from something, right?
first up, just because you have these urges doesn't mean you have to act on them. and really, it's better that you didn't because if you get pregnant, you're getting another human life involved, and that's just not fair to the baby.
but let's try to figure out why you might feel this way. one idea is that maybe you are sexually aroused by humiliation. this is not an uncommon fantasy. and yes, it is a fantasy. really getting raped is something else entirely, and I do doubt you have a full grasp of just how traumatic sexual assault really can be.
As for getting pregnant from an assault, you just seem to have urges towards having really bad things happen to ou. This could be some sort of sel-flagellation thing you might have going, which in some ways can be interpreted as some kind of cry for help.
What I'd encourage is to channel your energy into seeking more positive forms of attention (I put up a relevant but seldom-replied-to thread on the topic because it's pretty common, but no one likes to talk about it). Do you want help? Do you need empathy? really, look inside you and think about why you are feeling this way. I can only guess, but you know deep down what makes you tick.
Sometimes people feel that it isn't okay to be depressed or miserable "for no reason" (although clinical depression is a very big reason).
So sometimes there's a sense that if something really terrible happened to you, you'd have an "excuse" to feel so bad. It can also be connected with feeling that if something like that happened, everyone else would acknowledge that you're having a really hard time, which they may not be doing right now.
Does this ring a bell at all?
[This message has been edited by logic_grrl (edited 10-22-2003).]
yeah i agree completely with logic_grrrl.... i think honestly that the media has a lot to do with it, too. a lot of young people feel the way you do, which isn't really surprising considering hollywood tends to glamorize pain and self-destructive behavior... but there is NOTHING glamorous about the reality of it all. it sounds as if you are feeling really intense hurt inside but feel that it isn't "justified"... you don't need a hard life in order to be justified in feeling whatever you feel. acting out rape is an extremely self-destructive thing to be doing however, and you may end up having some of the same issues with sexuality that actual survivors of rape and abuse have.... wich is a BAD thing!!! instead of wishing for and fantasizing about having a horrible life, try to work with your therapist (if you have one, and if you don't, find one!) on healing from your depression, and try to be thankful for what you don't have to be put through.... it's no fun. good luck with getting over all this. i know it's hard.
Posts: 18 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2003
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