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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » An odd support request

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Author Topic: An odd support request
smittenkitten
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 2297

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Well, I really deserve everything I get, but it still isn't easy.

Basically, the crush I was sure I was over came back. I was just her friend, and we went down to her holiday house with some other friends. We got drunk and played dirty pictionary. We played "I have" (you go around the circle saying I have...whoever has drinks). I learnt that the girl I liked had thought of girls in a sexual way. We took a break from the game to pace ourselves. I lay on my crushes leg. Then I took off my top, and a few minutes later, my bra. They play headache while I watched (I was so drunk I kept knocking my peices over). I lay behind my crush and hugged her and kissed up and down her arms and neck, stroked her hair. When the other girls pulled me off her so she could go to bed I became hysterical. I bawled and gushed about howI loved her and beged them to let mesleep in her room and promised I wouldn't touch her. Of course they didn't let me. When one had their back turned I bolted for her door and opened it before they pulled me away. I pretended to doze in bed but planned to get up once they were asleep and finish my drinks and sleep in her room.

The next day I remembered everything. I felt terrible in more then one way but I didn't say anything because there was still a long car trip between me and home. They listened to Evanescence on the way back. It was torture. My crush even talked about her desire to be chained up with a hot guy.

My first job on monday was to gush to my drama teacher because I had to work with my crush on the crew. She's the auntie figure in my life and I felt a bit better after seeing her. Everytime I saw my crush I felt so sick I thought I would vomit. I went to see the counsellor who wasn't very reassuring.

A few days later I called my crush and apologized. She told me it would be best for both of us if we weren't friends. I had thought the same, but before now it had been a last resort. I told her I had scared myself and she said I had scared her too. I was welling up by the end of it.

On the friday my drama teacher had talked to my crush and she told me she was "pretty shaken" and I said I knew. She told me to stop beating myself up, but everytime I think of never talking to my crush again all the guilt comes flooding back. I've even cut myself a few times - not deeply, I just enjoy seeing myself bleed on the outside instead of the inside.

Just the fact that I almost raped someone, hell, I molested her, makes me feel like I should be locked up forever - my love is too potent to exist in the world. Or some poetic crap like that.

As I said, I deserve what I get, but I wonder if there are any other people who have seen it from my point of view?

Winnie


Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kara Zor-El
Activist
Member # 14499

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Oh, Winnie (I love that name, by the way), don't beat yourself up over this. You made a mistake. A giddy, drunken mistake. You're embarrassed, you've apologized, it's over.

Now someday, someone is going to adore the intensity of your love. But you should try to turn your physical impulses into emotional impluses. Talk to the girls you have crushes on. Communicate. Be true to yourself and honest about how you feel. Relationships between girls are super-intense, believe me I know. All the more reason to keep the lines of communication open.

And stop cutting yourself.

Turn that impluse into something else too. Every time you want to cut yourself you should log onto your computer and "bleed" into the Scarleteen forum instead. We're here for you.

Good luck,
your friend,
Kara


Posts: 123 | From: New York City | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 568

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One thing to add, winnie. Because being intoxicated blurred your judgement so badly that you acted very innapropriately towards this girl, I strongly suggest that you cease drinking alcohol. getting yourself really sloshed is alcohol abuse, and if you cannot consume it responsibly, it is best not to consume it at all.

But please, gal, don't beat yourself up about it so much. You're doing the right thing now. You're sorry for what you did and you followed the right avenues by talking to a trusted friend. Stop with the cutting because that really won't get you anywhere good. Take some time to heal with POSITIVE activites. Read good poetry, or talk with friends.

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smittenkitten
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 2297

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Thanks guys.

I guess I'm not one to blame things on "being drunk" - it sounds so lame (to me at least).

I did tell her once before (I was drunk at the time but I had been planning to tell her for ages) and she turned me down. I guess I thought her feelings might have changed.

I'm in a real guy mood at the moment, which is odd but maybe good.

Winnie :0)

P.S. I'm really excited! Next week we are having SHLURP come to school. It's basically a sexual health talk, followed by free STD screenings, including blood tests, and a voucher for a free hep b vaccination if you don't have it. That said, the lectures are divided up by sex, which bothers me a little, not only cuz I like girls, but I get along much easier with guys, and think more like them.

Winnie :0)


Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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