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Author Topic: Internet Obsession?
Intense Awakenings
Neophyte
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Hi, My name is Amanda. I'm 19 years old and I'll be 20 on September 20th. I have a problem.

I met a guy on the internet who is perfect in every way. He's handsome, sweet, smart, and just an all around great guy. He went to a public school during elementary, but his parents pulled him out and are now homeschooling him. He is 14 and will be 15 on May 10th. The problem is, he's the only child and so his parents expect him to be perfect and are very over-protective of him. He and I were best friends, still are just a bit more, and we live two hours away from one another. Finally, about half a week ago, he told his parents that he even talks to people on the internet. They were shocked to learn that the main person he talks to is a 19 year old girl. Well, he told them that he liked me, he was scared to tell them he had a girlfriend since he felt it was too much for them to take in that short amount of time.

Well, they were fine with it. In fact, two days later they told him to invite me to his birthday so that we can meet face-to-face. Well, just the day before yesterday, we were talking, and at 4:28 PM, he just up and left without even saying goodbye. He had called me on the phone once before, and he promised to call me that night after 9:00 PM. He never called. Well, yesterday he came online at about 12:45 PM and told me that his parents thought he was being too obsessed with the internet and that he's secluding himself from the outside world and from having real friends and a real girlfriend. They also said that I'm bound to hurt him and that I eventually will. He didn't stand up to them because he's scared to. They also went as far as to tell him that they're going to take him to a therapist because they're worried. Yesterday about an hour after he got on, he just left again! Without saying goodbye. Well, this morning he called me at like 11:30 AM, and told me that they weren't even going to let him talk to anyone online or be on the computer for at least a month. He told me that he'd sneak around as much as possible, that's how he called me.

Anyways, given this, do you think they're taking things too far and that they should let him at least have a certain amount of time a day he is allowed on?

I think that they have a reason to be worried, but they should at least give him 2 hours a day to be online, they shouldn't completely cut him off from the net.

[This message has been edited by Intense Awakenings (edited 04-30-2003).]


Posts: 33 | From: Lancaster, Ca, USA | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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The bottom line is you, nor any of us, have no say in the matter. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but there's simply no getting past that. They are his parents and ultimately they have the right to control his internet access.

As that they live with him it's possible, if not even likely, that they see more than you do and have valid reasons to be concerned. His relationship with you may be only a minor part of a larger issue.

Right now I think his best bet is to work with his parents. Perhaps the three of them can work together to come to an agreement about balancing his time online with his in-person social life. Another alternative is to use the therapist to help find an agreeable solution; if s/he finds your friend doesn't have a problem perhaps his parents would be willing to reconsider.


Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Intense Awakenings
Neophyte
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Perhaps. Thank you for your advice.

------------------

Love,
Amanda
-----------
"Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."


Posts: 33 | From: Lancaster, Ca, USA | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
BruinDan
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It may also be worth noting that the State of California likes to try and have a say in things like this. There's certainly nothing wrong with talking to someone on the Internet, but we live in a funny state, so you really need to watch yourself.

There are various penal code sections that act as barriers from your getting too close to a boy of 14. Primarily there's the biggie, PC 261.5 (statuatory rape, a felony) which forbids you from having sex with him, should your relationship progress that far. But beyond that there is a "wobbler" which goes by the designator PC 647.6 (child molesting/annoying), which has provisions that can prohibit anything from holding a minor's hand without permission to engaging a minor in conversation against the wishes of the minor's parents. It's sort of a bizarre catch-all, but it's something you may be in danger of running afoul of, especially if you decide to continue to pursue relations with this boy against his parents' wishes.

This is one of those situations we see from time to time where you really need to be careful with what you're getting yourself into. If your boyfriend is 14 and you're pushin' 20, we've got a little problem. Even though most of us here are not huge fans of age-of-consent legislation, they're out there and they're enforced more and more each year (especially by LA County Sheriffs, I might add). None of us can make this decision for you, but you're going to have to weigh the benefits of this relationship with the fact that you could wind up in serious trouble as a result of it. Are you willing to pay that price? It sure sounds silly, but it's happened to people just as sweet as you before, and there's no doubt in my mind it could happen again.

I'm sorry to have to be such a downer, and I do hope things get better for you soon. I just want to make sure we're all on the same page here, since I'd hate to see you get in trouble. Take care and best of luck!

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BruinDan, "Number Three," PBOM

Beware the naked man who offereth you his pants.


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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quote:
I met a guy on the internet who is perfect in every way.

...not to mention that anyone who says this about another person is giving away that they clearly either do not know that person very well, or that they''ve opted out of a reality check or two.

No one is perfect in every way. Human beings are, by their very nature, imperfect.

To boot, until you've met someone you're dating, really, you're no one's girlfriend. Internet meetings can certainly open the door to relationships, but they can't support relationships entire, nor can you form entire relationships via that media.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Milke
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quote:
...not to mention that anyone who says this about another person is giving away that they clearly either do not know that person very well, or that they''ve opted out of a reality check or two.

True, so true. It's easy enough to fudge identities on the internet, or to edit out undesirable aspects of our personalities. A lot of people on the 'net aren't who they say they are. There've been cases of one person creating multiple, often very diverse identities, or totally made up personas. It's really not all that uncommom; we've had several instances of it happening right here on these boards. Whatever the motive; attention-seeking, looking for a mate who might not be interested in them otherwise, just plain boredom, it can certainly create its own problems, and even be downright dangerous. Be careful, this guy might not be who he says he is at all.

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Milke, with an L, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP, MF

I still love you, oh, I still love you
...Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to


Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Intense Awakenings
Neophyte
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Miz Scarlet,

I was saying perfect metaphorically. Of course he isn't completely perfect, no one is flawless. I meant that he's wonderful. I have never met him face-to-face, but who's to say that you aren't really knowing them until you do? I think it's ridiculous personally, but everyone is entitled to their opinions.

I think that you can have a relationship with someone who is on-line and love each other unconditionally without ever have even seeing their face. That's what's wrong with the world today, they "fall in love" with someone based solely on their looks, and don't begin to see their personality until later on. How many of those relationships really ever work?

I have this friend who met this guy on-line. They were madly in love and after three years, he asked her to marry him, still without never having met face-to-face. They eventually set the date, and they decided to set the date for the day that they meet. They decided never to see each other until she walked down the aisle.

They have been married for five years now and have two kids and are happy in every possible way.

I asked them both when they knew it was true love. They both replied, "as soon as we met".

Thank you for your opinions and advice, but I tend to disagree with the negative views on internet relationships. I believe that it can happen to anyone, and I don't think that we should be limited to our local areas in finding our "perfect" mate. And yes, there are perfect mates.

I believe that your life is completely pre-destined and that you are given a certain person that you will ultimately be in love with. There will be many misreads along the way, but it will all be fine in the end and it won't take even five seconds to love that person. Everyone in the world is in love with someone, most just don't know who yet.


Posts: 33 | From: Lancaster, Ca, USA | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I'm not talking about physical appeal.

I'm talking about chemistry and for-real, real-time interpersonal dynamics (not to mention legal issues. This is a 14-year-old boy you're talking about here. However mature he may be, he's 14.). That isn't a negative view, it's a reality-based issue when it comes to couples.

And it's certainly the case when it comes to the net because it is to terribly easy to invent new identities every five minutes, something I'm well aware you already know a thing or two about.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 05-02-2003).]


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Laura
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You know, nobody's forcing you to choose between selecting a romantic partner based entirely on looks, or based entirely on personality. And in my own opinion, there's nothing superior about the latter approach as opposed to the former - they both seem pretty silly to me. That's not to say that neither approach has ever worked for anyone - I'm sure that they have. It's just that my own approach, and the one that seems the wisest to me, is to consider a combination of factors.

Also, while I don't necessarily think it's impossible to form an emotionally deep relationship with someone entirely through the internet, it's important to remember that people are different in person. I know for a fact that my "internet personality" is very different from my "real-life personality," just because I take differently to different forms of communication.

Not long ago, I had a first face-to-face meeting with a man (he was 26, I was 24) I met online. We'd been corresponding for about two months, and based on that correspondence, seemed to get along perfectly and have very much in common. But in person, we turned out to be polar opposites. In fact, ten minutes into the conversation (which had been dominated entirely by him), he said to me, "You know, you're nothing at all like your e-mails." Needless to say, there was not a second face-to-face meeting.

Just some food for thought. It's easy to get caught up in the schmaltz of internet romances that turn out perfectly, and it's even easier to look at the horror stories and think, "That will never happen to me." But most often, reality lies between these two extremes, and you need to be prepared for the possibility that things may not be as wonderful in person as they are online.

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Question authority, but realize that authority is often right.


Posts: 107 | From: Chicago, IL | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Intense Awakenings
Neophyte
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Thank you both very much. Thank you Miz Scarlet for clearing that up.

Anyways, I haven't set myself up for anything, I still have it in my head that there's a possibility that he could be a completely different person. You're right, it's very hard to determine rather or not the person is actually being themselve. It's a web of different thoughts and you can never tell when someone is lying or telling the truth.

We live two hours away from each other and he turns fifteen next Saturday. We have planned on waiting until he's 18 to meet. That's in saying that the relationship will last until them. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, as I've heard a billion times. Until I meet him in person, I guess I just have to be cautious, because there's no telling what could really be the true personality of the person.

Thanks again for your advice.

------------------

Love,
Amanda
-----------
"Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."


Posts: 33 | From: Lancaster, Ca, USA | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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...suffice it to say, that advice does go both ways, not just pertaining to you.
Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Milke
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quote:
You're right, it's very hard to determine rather or not the person is actually being themselve. It's a web of different thoughts and you can never tell when someone is lying or telling the truth.

No it's not. Simply through checking IPs, and watching out for little clues, it can be VERY easy to tell if someone is lying, or has already existed under another identity. And believe me, we do check such things here.

Amanda, what happend to Tony, your nineteen-year-old boyfriend? Why do you say you're in California when your IP says you're in Texas? Why did you re-register under a new name when it was made very clear that your posting priveleges had been suspended, Solitary Tear?

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Milke, with an L, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP, MF

I still love you, oh, I still love you
...Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to

[This message has been edited by Milke (edited 05-02-2003).]


Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Intense Awakenings
Neophyte
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I'm living with Tony in Lancaster, Ca. And he wasn't 19, he is going to be 24 in July 24th. He and I are living together, but as friends, nothing more. My mom kicked me out and I needed a place to stay. I have only driven through Texas, I have no idea how you got that. I am with Verizon DSL. There, I haven't lied. I have just matured since I was last here, and I needed some advice and I figured that you guys were the best piece of advice I could get. Actually, I was just going to e-mail Miz Scarlet and let her know who I am and ask her to give me another chance. If I had anything to hide, I wouldn't have said my real name. Anyways, thanks for bringing that up, saves me from having to.

And by the way, I have checked his IP, he has never had a different identity.

Thanks again.

------------------

Love,
Amanda
-----------
"Whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

[This message has been edited by Intense Awakenings (edited 05-02-2003).]


Posts: 33 | From: Lancaster, Ca, USA | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Amanda, at this point this apsct of the matter should be taken to email with me.

Suffice it to say though, one is generally reluctant to give a lot of credence to a person who swears they were going to make admissions which they did not make in advance (nor entire), but only after being called to the carpet.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Intense Awakenings
Neophyte
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Yes, I understand, and I'm sorry. I'll email you right now. Oh yeah, and I figured out why it says I'm in Texas. Cause the server is based there in Texas.
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PrettyGirlSuffering
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How can you check an IP?? Then again also, what in the world is an IP???

Confusing.

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.a.m.a.n.d.a.

-=No one can make you feel inferior without your consent=-Eleanor Roosevelt


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Milke
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See where it says IP: Logged at the bottom right of each post? Mods can click that, get the IP number, and run it through a WHOIS search, which will show where it orginates from. IP numbers are ones assigned to each and every computer that goes on the internet; an individual identity to allow them to connect to other computers.

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Milke, with an L, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP, MF

I still love you, oh, I still love you
...Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to


Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
james222
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test1

------------------
james


Posts: 10 | From: Amberg, WI | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Milke
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James, I've warned you already, knock it off with the pointless and unrelated posts.

------------------
Milke, with an L, SSBD, RATS, TMNTP, MF

I still love you, oh, I still love you
...Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to


Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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