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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » sexual abuse

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Author Topic: sexual abuse
blue_gal
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Member # 12550

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ok.. when i was 9 years old my mums step dad sexually abused me. This is the very first time that ive even mentioned it. I have never told anyone.
I am in a relationship and am scared to have sex with my bf as it brings back too many terrible memories of what happened. I'm scared to tell anyone what happened as my grandadfather is still alive and, all of my family think highly of him and i'm worried that i'll loose most of my family through doing this.
When i see him i cant look at him and feel physically sick inside and feel like im trapped, but my parents always tell me to go over and give him a hug when we're leaving, this makes it very hard but i have to do it as i dont want themm to think that anythings up.
I really dont know what to do as i want sex with my bf but it's all so difficult for me. I can't tell anyone what has happened in my past as im so scared.

What shall i do cos it's destroying my life?


Posts: 35 | From: England | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
coldplayer
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oh my god are you ok? *hugs* you cant let him get away with it, its so unfair! i would say talk to your mum, but i know that its difficult because it was a while ago and you dont wanna seem like youre lying. but u cant pretend it didnt hapen all your life because you'll go mad eventually. you have to talk to a counciller or someone. i recommend your mum, i just hope she believes you, it would be awful if she didnt xxx
Posts: 68 | From: England | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
blue_gal
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Ive really want to talk about it to her but it's her father we're talking about here, it's going to split my entire family up and i really don't want to do that as the rest of my family are so loveing and caring.
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celery
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Hun, your mom's step-dad did something he should NOT have done, he shouldn't be able to get away with it, because it could as easily happen again, to you or someone else. I know you feel like you'd be splitting up the family, but it's not your fault what he did to you. you should really think about talking to your mom, or a counsellor at least.

[This message has been edited by celery (edited 04-10-2003).]


Posts: 1000 | From: Canada | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Find a good therapist or counselor. They WILL keep what you tell them anonymous, and should you ever wish it not to be and confront your family, he or she can also help with that too.

Personally, as an abuse survivor and in a professional context, I don't see counseling as optional when it comes to working through abuse issues -- I feel it is a necessaity. Going it alone not only rarely works, it feels just awful in the interim.

As well, it takes some time to be able to deal with sexual partnership after you've started healing from abuse. Just jumping into it is never a good idea, and an equally bad idea is not telling your partner you have been abused. So, until you feel ready and able to do that, it tends to be best to wait so you don't compound your trauma further, and have to deal with what can be some highly unpleasant physical and emotional side effects.

You also may find the book "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" by Staci Haines very useful.

But see if you can't start by finding a counselor and really talking to someone about this soon. And please remember that this is NOT your fault -- when the time comes that you do feel able to tell your family, I assure you that while it's never easy, any fallout that happens will be because of your grandfather, not because of you.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
blue_gal
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I was just wondering if anyone has been through the same as me, but actually plucked up the courage to tell there family of whats going on? If so i would really love to hear your stories.
I'm at the stage where i really wanna tell my mum, but just don't know how to tell her- if you know what i mean as it's very awkward.

Thanks a bunch xx


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logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

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Just a quick note of some UK resources which might be helpful:

Childline is a free confidential 24-hour helpline for children and young people which can be phoned on 0800 1111 (the lines can sometimes be busy, but keep trying).

The NSPCC has a free confidential 24-hour phoneline at 0808 800 500 which provides counselling and advice.


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It took me until my mid-twenties to really tell my mother about another family member's abuse of me in my early teens, blue_gal. And that was after many years of my not talking to her or that part of my family at all.

Mind you, I suspected before then that she knew some of what was going on and just wasn't capable of facing that, and that was very much the case. It is often the case in these situations.

I can't tell you it was easy, because it very much wasn't. It was very scary for me to do, and very painful and created a good deal of anger and pain for a bit there, but I can say that I'm very glad I did bring it out (for me, for the sake of my relationship with her, etc.). I'm not sure that process ever really gets "finished," as it's a pretty long process.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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blue_gal
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Yeah i just gotta figure out how to say it- it's so hard to talk about and i really hope that she believes me
Posts: 35 | From: England | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eray01
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I went through a very simular situation.
My real grandfather sexually abused me when I was about 7 or 8. At the time I didnt know what to think, but what happened is, I blocked it out of my head as much as I could!
But what happened was that because my grandpa did that, (which I was very close to), It made me very cautious around my own father! I felt like he was always trying to look at me or touch me wrong and I thought that he tried to peek at me when I was in my room and in the shower. The thing is, me and my dad were close too. I had a step mom but was never close to her and my mom at the time was on drugs and I saw her maybe once a yr for about ten yrs. Bottom line, my dad is all I had. And it hurt so bad to feel that way but I never understood cuz I blocked out everything that had happened with my grandpa.
Well I never ever told anyone, and my grandpa died when I was 13. I am now 20 yrs old!
I have been with my bf for over a yr and we are sexually active but it was very hard for me.
But when I moved out a yr ago, I moved in with my sis and me and my dad didnt talk for about 6 months. well my sister said that she always felt like I had been abused or something, cuz I was very outspoken as a young child but became very shy later in life, then she asked if my dad ever did anything, I told her no!! (she has a different dad than me)
but I did tell her about my grandpa and that it made me feel uncomfortable around my dad.
I expected her not to tell anyone, well a few months ago, she told her friend who told her mom who is friends with my step moms mother, who hates my dad!!
Did you get that?
anyway, so she confronted me and then my dad found out, so I had no choice but to explain and everyone found out about what had happend. It was so hard!!
but I didnt want people to accuse my dad when it wasnt him!!

Posts: 117 | From: kansas city, kansas, us | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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