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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I'm very confused

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Author Topic: I'm very confused
Susan
Neophyte
Member # 12243

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Well to start out I just turned 16 and I'm having problems trying to figure out myself. Last November I went to a party with my now X-bf. It was for his birthday and it went from a small group of friends to a full blown party full of guys. I ended up getting drunk and doing alot of things I didn't want to do. I messed around with my boyfriend then for some reason he didn't want to even be around me. He told me that it was ok if the other guys were trying to touch me. He didn't defend me or even try to. The guys were all trying to touch me and I was kinda scared and mad. When I went to lay down on the bed I basiccally passed out. Later the guys told me that 2 people had sex with me while I was in the room, they said I wasn't passed out. This all happened last November and it has all blown over by now. Nothing, I mean nothing has ever happened to me like this in my life. I went to the doctor to get a morning after pill. I had really bad bruises and scrapes all over my body. She said I should go to ER but I didn't want to get anyone in trouble. It's over now, it's done but I cant help but think I was raped. And I can't get over the fact that those people I go to school with, still hang out and talk to alot of them, did something like that when I was totally wasted. I know it's my fault I was drinking, but I dont know how to get over whats happened. I dont know how to have a real relationship and not be used. There are many guys that like me but how do I start over and be "normal?"
~Susan

Posts: 1 | From: Oregon | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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If people had sex with you without your consent, you WERE raped. That is what rape is, love.

Thing is, you can't start over, because that's something traumatic that happened to you and is, in a sense, still happening because you haven't resolved it or worked towards that. It's clearly not all blown over, because here you are feeling this way.

Some ways you might do that include:

- Filing a report. Yes, it's been a long time, so people actually being prosecuted is unlikely (but not impossible). However, there would be a report should they ever do this again, and making a report would allow you to gett it out there and acknowledge it as a very real event, and would help get you in touch with some rape support services it sounds to me like you very much need.

- Stop hanging out with people who raped you or enabled others to assault you. That one, in my mind, is non-negotiable, because doing such is one of the most damaaging things you can do to yourself, period. Think about it this way: would you still associate with someone who did this to your mother? Could you be friendly to them? To your best friend? To a group of peopple who beat you up physically? It's the same sort of scenario, save that this is nearly worse, as these people have likely never come to you to talk about what they did, apologize (hollow as that would be) or make any sort of amends.

- Get some rape counseling or support. ASAP. You need it. I can't emphasize that enough. Rape doesn't go away on it's own, nor do the emotional aftershocks and long-term effects it leaves. You need help dealing with those to move past a rape and process it.

And if nothing else, or until you can do the above things, sit down, by yourself, and acknoledge this happened to you. If you can't honor your own pain and trauma, no one else can or will. YOU need to be able to sit down and say, "I was raped." Clearly, and understand what it means to you. It's painful as heck, but it's also incredibly cathartic. Start with you: eventually, you'll be your best ally and your best support system, but you can't wish that so or try and erase something you're carrying with you that's caused you a lot of pain. Realize that in trying to keep people who hurt you out of ttrouble, what you did -- and continue to do -- is let them cause you MORE pain, and cause yourself more pain, which you do not need. There is no sense in protecting people who refuse to do so for others -- that only allows them to do it again or pretend themselves, and they need to face up to it as much as you do.

Trying to do that, sweetheart, is like trying to erase yourself: it's like not only being attacked and raped by others, but doing it again and again to yourself. YOU need to make you what's important.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
coldplayer
Activist
Member # 12431

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what she said ^
hope you feel better soon xxx

Posts: 68 | From: England | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

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coldplayer, please do not reply to threads unless you have something new to add. You might want to read through this thread: Board Etiquette.

Thank you.

[This message has been edited by ookuotoe (edited 04-10-2003).]


Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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