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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Being on my own.

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Author Topic: Being on my own.
Funky Cha-cha
Member # 11925

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Hi everyone- Ive had a really horrible week, and I really, really need someone (anyone) to listen to me. Thanks for being there!

Well, to start off, Im an 18 year old who moved to Germany from Canada at the age of 17 to study. When I first came here, I didnt know anyone (apart from the prof. I wanted to study with), and on top of that I couldnt speak german. Brilliant move, huh?

It was really difficult at the beginning, but I thought I got everything under control pretty well. Passed my auditions, learned enough german to pass my language exam, found a place to live... etc. But since I was horribly underprepared when I first got here, I had some misunderstandings that led to me paying my rent late, and getting gyped by a long distance telephone "deal". Now I am broke, and being evicted.

My parents have been financially supporting me for my stay here, for which I am very, very grateful and try my hardest not to take advantage. I feel so stupid when stuff like this happens, especially since I know it was my own fault. Ive lived on my own for less than a year, and already Ive screwed up pretty royally. It would have been hard enough to deal with being on my own in my own country with a familiar culture and language, but when something happens here its too much, and all I want to do is run home. Home, where Im not all alone, where I have friends and family and am loved, and where everything is taken care of for me.

Ive already gotten into fights with my mom about money, and Im afraid of telling her about being evicted. I plan to get a job here ASAP, but it doesnt help me now, and jobs here are hard to come by.

All in all I feel like a failure at living on my own, and Im sick and tired of always coming across as the stupid, naive foreigner. Which Ill be the first to admit I am. *sighs*

Has anyone else here moved to another country? Have any difficulties when they first moved out?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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The first thing I'd do is cut yourself some slack. Really, you're being very hard on you. As someone else who has always been fiercely independent, I know how that can be, but there are times one can be too hard on oneself.

You've made mistakes that some people make a decade older than you, love. And your first time out, no less, in a foreign country.

So first thing, you need to not get evicted. Call your folks. You need them right now, and surely you can work out a loan arrangement if that's better for you all than a handout (sounds like it would be, all around).

You aren't a failure. You're learning, and doing so the hard way sometimes. You put yourself in a challenging spot, so it's bound to be a little harder than usual, and you're going to be more prone to err.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 4356

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Oh, God, where to start.

I moved to France.
Within teh first 3 days, I totally alienated my echange buddy, accidentally insulted her, and she didn't speak to me for a month. (yes, literally, a month)

I wound up in the hospital, with appendicitis.

I told my French teacher (accidentally) that she was an old bat with a medal around her neck (long story)

I nearly got myself arrested for trespassing (since when to schools have FENCES around them?!?!)

And many, many other stories, that are funny now, but were traumatizing then.

But this is my advice:
Overseas in a foreign country, especially when you don't speak the language well, is not the time to try and prove something. Now, before you pounce on me.....
You have already acheived so much independence. Half of it, you won't even realize you have it til way after you get home.
Let your parents bail you out. If you really feel you're against that, then arrange a pay-back paln with them. Pay them back, in installments AFTER you've come home.

The worst part of it all? When you're alone somewheres, and not entirely comfortable, EVERYTHING seems like the biggest deal. Missing the bus becomes this major statement of failure.

It's not. So you accidentally insult someone, get lost, or miss the bus. The world, at last check, has kept turning. It doesn't make you a failure. It makes you a success. Because in the end, if you ask for help, you'll get out of almost every jam you're in. And trust me, you won't screw up again

Posts: 433 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1896

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Hullo funky,

sorry to hear that your week has been so stressful.

I can only agree with the advice Heather and cupcake have given: first of, cut yourself some slack and then call your rents.

Yup, it's hard to ask for help when you've messed stuff up with the rent paying, but you need their support right now, and need money to stop the eviction process.
What do you specifically mean with eviction btw? - has your vermieter just send you a termination of the contract or is actually the gerichtsvollzieher already at the door? (just so that I'll know what other advice I can give you)

Who is your landlord? If it's the student union or rather the studentenwerk of whatever place you are studying, I am hopefull they would be willing to cut you some slack if you can come up with a significant amount of money now.

Fact is, you need a place to stay, and even with a job (and yup, it is hard to find one here, indeed, - and are you allowed to work at all on your visa?) you wouldn't be able to get the amount of money you need to prevent eviction straight away.

So call your rents for help, even if that's rough.

Also, have you made any friends round here yet, who can help you with figuring out how to get through this from a sheer practical point of view? Someone who speaks german and knows some basics on how renting and banks work round here, and who can assist you in contact with your landlord and your other creditors?
Should you not know anyone, get to your studentenwerk, they probably offer financial counselling or help for inertnational students, have dealt with similar situations before and can help you make the right moves now to stop eviction.

You're not alone here, mate, and even though this country is a lot different from the US, you can sort this all (with a little help). If coming here was so important, sit through the urge to go home because stuff is rough right now.

While I haven't been in an exact same situation yet, I've spend quite some time overseas and plan to emigrate in the next year though, so I can see very well where you are coming from. It can all be overwhelming and scary sometimes and lonely. But you can do it, I am sure, if it has been so important for you to come here.

Where are you located? If you want to, I can help find some help places for situations like yours in your area.

~Scarleteen Sexpert~

Spike: (In response to being asked to fight a troll) "I would, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much."

Posts: 4526 | From: germany | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Funky Cha-cha
Member # 11925

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Thanks Miz S, cupcake, and Alaska!

Miz S-
Thank you for giving me some perspective! I guess I havent really done any irrepairable damage, and Ive learned my lesson, so Ill try not to beat myself up over it.

I really like the story about your French teacher! Once Im done here, I know Ill have my fair share of things that are funny in retrospect! Thanks again for your words of advice - its really comforting to hear from someone whos been where I am!

I have a rather unique rental agreement - I am renting from a student who is studying in another city for a year: she didnt want to lose her place in the WG, so she decided to sublet it for a year. It turns out her time away was less than she expected it to be, and she was planning on moving back early. Her original plan was to rent another place for the remainder of our contract. But since I was late on a rental payment I broke the contract, and she gave me a months warning before I have to get out and she moves back in. So my eviction was more about breaking the contract than anything to do with money. I still feel pretty dumb about giving her the opportunity, but Ill get over it.

Right now Im planning to go through the studentenwerk to find a place to live - and my super-nice mitbewohnerin has helped me a lot with the language (I now have German paperwork phobia!). As well, a couple of friends have offered to help me move all my stuff, once I find a place. So Im breathing a little easier today.

"Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to continually be part of unanimity."

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Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1896

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Hi funky,

thanks for the update. Sounds a lot better than your first post. - At least you have to leave your flat because of something like this, not because of being actually evicted with a court order and all. - That would have been worse, wouldn't i`t?

In any way, good on you for having friends who are helping you and will help you once you have a new place.

Good luck with finding a place to stay - how much time do you have until you have to be out of the flat? If all else fails, some studentenwerke offer emergency housing (at least mine does), which sucks but is better than having to move in with a mate until one has a place of one's own. At least now that the semester is over, there's hopefully a few free spots in wgs and wohnheimen and stuff, before the new semester starts.

In any way, if you need some help with German stuff, feel free to post with specific needs, I'd be more than happy to help.

~Scarleteen Sexpert~

Spike: (In response to being asked to fight a troll) "I would, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much."

Posts: 4526 | From: germany | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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