I am at an awkward point in my life right now. I'm a first semester sophmore at college, I am very active in my major, but a bit stressed. This is normal, other than the fact that I'm doing what I want to be doing, but I'm not genuinely happy doing it. There are things that make me happy, but in general I'm not happy.
I've always been motivated, and have always looked on the brighter side of life. I've always encouraged others to look on the brighter side of life. Lately I've been having difficulty doing that myself.
I never thought you could be suicidal*, for lack of a better word without the feeling of being depressed.
*First let me explain my suicidal comment. I'm not suicidal, per se, but I'm at the point where I just don't care. I'm more likely to put myself in situations where I am at risk, and quite frankly, I don't care about the risk. I won't do anything myself, but if something were to happen I'd accept it. As bad as that sounds, it's how I feel. I have a history of self injury, but at this point that's not even something I want to do.
My big project in my life right now is to bring awareness of women's issues to my campus, and help stop violence. Last semester an RA, and friend, made me promise him not to walk alone at night because there had been three rapes on campus in that week. Being that we're a small campus in a small community, this is extremely disturbing. Anyway, having see The Vagina Monologues last year, I was aware of the mission of the show and V-Day, and brought the idea to SART (the on campus Sexual Assault Response Team) and to my theatre professors (I'm a theatre major). Anyway, they thought it was a great idea, so here I am two weeks from the show, I'm directing and acting in it, and it's going well. I also joined SART,in wanting to help the women around me. So this is one of the things that I'm motivated to do, and it makes me happy.
But one of the thins that has me down is my current relationship. I am in a commited relationship, but it scares me. I've only had one other relationship in my life, and when I look at my current one, it really looks like the perfect canidate for marriage, but that's ot what I want right now. I now he's doesn't want it either, but it's still scary. I do love him, but lately I've almost resented him, which isn't fair to him or me. I feel like I want to get out and have some fun in my young years. I've lived a very sheltered life, and I want to learn things on my own and make my own decisions, and mistakes, but my parents are still a very big influencing factor in my life. I want to rebel! I've always been the good girl, I've never done anything "bad", I've never been in trouble. I just feel like one time I'd like to go get drunk or something! Hell, it doesn't have to be big!
The thing is, my immediate family has been the only people in my life that I've ever gotten support from, and if I lose that, I wwould feel totally alone in the world. I don't have extended family, and I was home schooled so my immediate family is all I know. And I'm starting to resent them as well!
I'm 18 and can legally do what I want, but I still find myself doing what my parents want me to do, if they look down on it. For example over Spring break I want to go to Seattle and see a symphony. I'm on a short budget, so an online friend has offered to let me stay in a spare room. I've talked to this person for 3 years and trust him as much as you can talking off and on online for 3 years, but even if I were wrong, I don't care! I guess that's what I mean by putting myself in risky situations. The truth is I don't know this person. There have been a couple of pink, bordering on red flags, but I don't care! I still want to do it!
I don't know what's going on with me. There are things that make me happy, but I'm just not happy. I've been content for a long time, and I'm getting tired of it. I want something to change, and I'm finding that whether the change is good or bad (risky situations), I just don't care.