I've posted before about OCD and the post kind of lost interest (or others have lost interest in the post) and now i'm at another crossroads stemming from the OCD i have. I have mild OCD (it's been downgraded, YAY!), and it stems from the fact that i had a pregnancy scare with my boyfriend the first year we were going out. It's going on 3 years that we've been together now, and he's been supportive and what not.. now i'm pretty much back to square one with him, it feels: He says he understands about OCD and that I just can't bring myself to do anything sexual or even do something simple like sit on his lap or coming into contact with his crotch from fear of pregnancy... even as i write this, i see how stupid it looks, but dang that OCD, everything about it looks stupid and completely irrational. But the thing is, we are fighting more and more about it lately. I get so angry with him because he just "Doesn't believe" that the disorder and I cannot be separated: I'm a package deal. This is how I am, take me or leave me. Yes, i will get better, but you just have to have more patience with me. "How much more patience can one person have?" he asks me, crying and sobbing that his life is horrible and i make him feel like crap and blah blah blah...I have said over and over, let's go to a support group, you can see for yourself, but he just doesn't seem to want to go: "Why should I go, i'm not going to hear anything new." Guys, i'm at a loss! I've been in therapy for 2 years now (since the whole thing started) and I'm coming to terms with the fact that i spread myself so thin that i just don't get to build the basis of taking care of myself, then everyone around me. And whenever I bring that up to him in our too-frequent-to-be-healthy fights, he simply bypasses it and complains, "Well, what do you think I've been doing in my life?"... It's always about him! I'm not a selfish person, but when i think for one second about myself, i feel automatically like I should be trying to fix these problems: I'm getting better, i used to not even be able to hug him or hold his hands or make out with him, and we can do that now.. but by not moving in an obviously foward direction, he thinks i'm ignoring it, hating him, postponing it, or even seeing someone else: go figure!!! The main problem is that when i go to my therapist, he always gets mad.. for example: My grandmother passed away last week (something that i could write a whole other post on, maybe tomorrow) and I spoke to my therapist today all about coping with that. He asks me "What did you talk about at the dr.'s today?" well, if i don't tell him "My OCD", i'm automatically procrastinating and dealing with other things to mask it. HELP ME, i feel like i'm going out of my mind here. Am i wrong for wanting out, and wanting to just give up on trying to make him understand and splitting up? Even my doctor tells me that's the only solution: if he can't deal with me with OCD, then he shouldn't have to deal, no matter how much he "loves me". Help, please!
Posts: 5 | From: NJ, USA | Registered: Jun 2002
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Are you on medication? Sorry, I just want to clarify this since I wasn't quite sure from your post.
I had OCD a few years ago and I know how you feel. You can't help it, you just *obsess* over everything to a horrid extreme. Have you just sat down one day and talked to your boyfriend about how you feel and how you're trying to cope? Maybe you should if you haven't. Tell him everything, and try to get him to understand where you are. If he "loves" you, he'll want to help you, and as frustrating as it might be for him he'll learn to deal and so will you.
Maybe you two could go to a councelor together where you can talk out the problem?
Just a thought: often it works best in relationships to keep what goes on between you and your therapist private. It works better for the relationship, and it certainly works better for what your therapy can give you.
So, it might be helpful to have a talk with your boyfriend and let him know that henceforth, unless you bring it up, your answer to his asking what you talk about with your therapist will be: That's private.
Sounds too like despite what he says, he actually doesn't understand your disorder. if you're comfortable with it, it might not be a bad idea to have your therapist talk to him by phone and explain that disorder clearly to him. Because from what you've described here, while I understand it's hard for him, he's being very unsuppportive and hostile.
That's only IF you want to continue the relationship. From the sounds of things, I'd want out, too, to be honest. Or at least only want to stay in if he could change his tune and approach pretty drastically. Your doctor sounds pretty spot-on, to me.
Hey... thanks for the help and the support, you guys. I actually am on medication, I was on zoloft for about 9 months, then i kind of plateaued, so me and my psychiatrist discussed it and i've been started on Lexapro, a more potent, lesser mg dosage of a kind of zoloft. And as for the idea that i should keep it private, that's been discussed between my boyfriend and I as well. It ends up being, "I won't ask you, i don't care, you can tell me if you want to. I could care less if you tell me. Are you going to tell me?" and if i say "no", it evolves into another argument. He's been to a session with my doctor and I, but it just seems that he's having such a hard time coping that he just blocks the doctor's words out and tries to focus in on what he wants to hear: "She'll get better", but not the part that doctor talked about "With support and help from you." And when i so much as think of the idea of splitting up, it turns into "Well, I must be the most HORRIBLE person in the world for wanting a normal girlfriend who i can sit with and do things with" (tonight, we made out, and i guarantee that by next week, it will not have been enough to make him happy and think that i'm getting better)"So fine, I"M making the decision, let's break up because you just want so much from me and i can't give it..." I feel like a horrible person for just thinking about it because he manages to twist it back into his feelings and bypassing mine... Well, thank you for the help and anymore advice now that i've replied would be greatly appreciated... thanks!
Posts: 5 | From: NJ, USA | Registered: Jun 2002
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Maybe if you want to split, the thing is to not allow him to be manipulative in the way it seems he's being -- truth is, seems like that's based in his feeling guilty for perhaps WANTING a partner without OCD. Which is fine.
Sounds like he needs to be told it is fine to want that, or that this isn't about what he wants: it's about what you need and what is right for you.
Being guilted into staying with someone isn't okay, and it's nothing to base a relationship on.
Understand that the way he's manipulating you isn't about you being horrible. It's about him being unable to cope. Do what you feel is right for you, love. Sounds like you know what that is.
I recently read a book called 'The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing: The Experience and Treatment of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder' by Judith L. Rapoport, MD. I didn't know too terribly much about OCD before and the book was a big eyeopener. Perhaps your boyfriend may want to take a look at it? It helps put OCD into a whole different perspective and makes the information really sink in. Just a thought.
Posts: 94 | Registered: Jan 2002
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