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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I'm alone now...and terrified

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Author Topic: I'm alone now...and terrified
glamsmack
Neophyte
Member # 11301

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I have to rewrite this cuz I lost it once...so it won't be as good.

Yesterday I wrote to the list about what I should do about my boyfriend. I had to make a decision to leave the boy I love or stay with him. Last night I didn't have to decide. He did it for me.

Last night he called and said he was leaving. I asked why. He gave me the reasons. I refuted every single one of them. There was only one I did not.

A week ago he made the decision he wanted to be with me even through all this pain and abuse, he wanted to make things better and be with me. So then I asked, "Well, you want to be with me...but do you want to be with the other girl you love more? Choose who you'd rather be with...because I will step aside if you wish to be with her."
He called her up... and talked with her and then he and her decided it was an unfair question. He basically refused to answer it. Later that day he called her, they spoke again and she said she was never talking to him again because she didn't want the hassle of being pulled into this.

He says he doesn't blame me for her leaving, but he does. He says he knows there will be more questions I have, despite the fact that before he said it was fair of him to give me answers. He left because I wouldn't shut up with the questions, and because of them he lost the love of his life.

I needed out of this relationship. I shouldn't be forced into one with someone who loves someone else, nor with someone who abuses me as he does.

But now I'm lost. I have very few friends, very very few. This was my first year at college in a new state. He was my only friend.

When I was young I asked for someone to love and in return for them to hold me. I should've asked for someone to just love me back.

I never had a mother or father that loved me, and the other two people I've loved used me just as much as everyone else. I've been willing and have given 100+% to all those I've loved. I lost my schooling, my home, my esteem, and my heart to this past one. It's still not good enough for him. What more do I have to give? Why am I not good enough for them?

I don't know what to do now. I'm all alone and the pain is worse than it has been. I've been fighting with him about this for three months. And now it still hurts. How can I wait to just get over him and find someone else? How do I surivive this pain? I can't do my day to day anymore. I haven't for months. How do you go on when statistically nobody has loved you your whole life and your give all isn't good enough?

I know it's for the best he's gone. He was like a cancer. I know I need to move on. But how? I need friends, I need to find someone to love that loves me back. Why is that so impossible? How do I get through this pain that I know is going to linger for how many months if not years more?

And deep in my heart I don't feel like this is the end of him. I'm very very terrified for myself and my future.

Any advice support or friendship will always be greatly appreciated. I just need somewhere to turn right now.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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When you're alone, no one else can abuse you. You get to choose how well you take care of yourself.

When you're alone, you can love you as much as you need or want.

So, in a nutshell, that's how you get by: because sometimes -- and in your case as you've described it, certainly now -- it's actually a much healthier, more loving place to be.

Loving yourself doesn't come from other people loving you. It's nice, it feels great, but it can't substitute no matter how much you get of it. It's easy when you haven't felt you've had it to project and think that would be the answer. But it isn't. The answer starts with you.

Like by loving and caring for yourself. Like by choosing partners in the future who really, truly do the same -- not just folks to keep you from being lonely or facing yourself.

You CAN do this. We all can do this. Not that it's easy, but it's easier than looking to others for it, I promise.

If you're in college, you have the benefit of a lot of community if you seek it out. Why not start, for instance, by finding a support group for other people coming out of abusive relationships. You'll find some folks who share a lot of your issues.

Why not also start by standing up for yourself. You get to choose if this is the last you see of him or the last time you get involved. Ain't up to the fates that be -- that's up to you. Make a good choice.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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