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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Cutting v. 2.0 (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Cutting v. 2.0
lemming
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Because the other thread on this topic is getting very long, I thought it might be a good idea to start this one; once post numbers start getting around 100, the board can do wacky things sometimes.

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Consider this a safe space to discuss issues with cutting, self-mutilation, self-injury, slashing, or whatever. (Just want to throw those words in there so the board search function will pick them up.)

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Laurel Lemming
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"Ooh, I'll settle down with some old story/About a boy who's just like me/Thought there was love in everything and everyone, you're so naive!"-Belle and Sebastian, "Get Me Away From Here I'm Dying"


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thisonecanbe
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I worry about my boyfriend. I've been with him for over 3 years. Sometimes he gets very down and depressed and does things that hurt himself. He's thrown himself down stairs, punched walls, punched himself, cut the tops of his arms, and punched through windows. I've made him promise to stop cutting himself and doing things to hurt himself, but that isn't a guarantee that he will. I wish he would go get help. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault because he gets depressed after we fight. I just don't know what to do sometimes about all of that. I care about him a lot.

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...i've done all i can do; could i please come with you?


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LilBlueSmurf
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It really hurts to watch someone you care for so much go through that. I've been on both sides of this situation, and both suck. A lot.

When it all comes down to it tho, it is his choice to make. It would be his choice to get help for himself ... This isn't a decision you or anyone else can make for him.

At the same time tho, what is it doing to you to watch him do this to himself? Maybe you need to talk to him about this. Do you think he would be okay w/ going to see a therapist if you went w/ him ... maybe for a little emotional support ...?? Just something to consider. Also, if he's not willing to go himself, it may help you to talk to someone on your own.

Hope things work out for you, sweetie *Hugs*

[This message has been edited by LilBlueSmurf (edited 12-15-2002).]


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Angel07
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ok, i posted in the other one like last week. . .but things, well. .
i still am cutting myself. . .i do it everyday. . they started off just tiny scratches, and then got worse, im still just using scissors which cant do that much damage, but im goin deeper now than i WAS because ill actually see blood now. . my arm looks so crappy, and i have to wear my jacket/longsleeve/or hoodie constantly or someone will see. which is another thing. sometimes i want to just walk up to my friends or someone and show them my arm and yell "see?!? see this is how i feel!! this is how much i hate myself and this school and my life!!" and at the same time im too scared, ashamed to tell anyone, and i dont WANT to stop almost. i dont know if i want to do this or not. i just DO it. theres no way i can stop now. . .i think one of my friends knows i cut, but im not sure. . . i keep thinking ok i could tell someone, but then i'd have to stop, and. .i dont know. im so confused. .and some days ill have a ok day and be thinking im glad i didnt commit suicide and then days (like today) ill sit and just think of how i can kill myself. . of who would come to my funeral. . (i made lists. . like would my friends come because they were sad or because they were glad they didnt have to act like they liked me anymore?) i like this guy, like REALLY like him, and i was thinking about telling him. . but my other friend likes him too (she started liking him after i already did. . grr) and yesterday i felt so confident i would just TELL him, and today im like man, she can have him, because i have no chance with him. i hate school, im going to fail my geometry class. we have like 3 pages of homework due friday and i havent CANT do it. i looked at it i tried but i dont get it. in class, i dont pay attention. . .sometimes i TRY, really try, but i just CANT its soo boring. . my other classes, well, yeah. . its school and i hate school. except for english which i could pass. .i wrote a short story for our assignment, its about this girl who cuts and what happens to her. .now im scared theyll think i cut, and find out, or tell my parents about my story or something. . sometimes i really consider suicide, but i dont think i would ever ACTUALLY REALLY do it, im not brave enough. .
sorry this is soo long. .

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Angel07
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er, i posted this like yesterday, but i dont think it worked.. . so im posting it again. .

ok, i posted in the other one like last week. . .but things, well. .
i still am cutting myself. . .i do it everyday. . they started off just tiny scratches, and then got worse, im still just using scissors which cant do that much damage, but im goin deeper now than i WAS because ill actually see blood now. . my arm looks so crappy, and i have to wear my jacket/longsleeve/or hoodie constantly or someone will see. which is another thing. sometimes i want to just walk up to my friends or someone and show them my arm and yell "see?!? see this is how i feel!! this is how much i hate myself and this school and my life!!" and at the same time im too scared, ashamed to tell anyone, and i dont WANT to stop almost. i dont know if i want to do this or not. i just DO it. theres no way i can stop now. . .i think one of my friends knows i cut, but im not sure. . . i keep thinking ok i could tell someone, but then i'd have to stop, and. .i dont know. im so confused. .and some days ill have a ok day and be thinking im glad i didnt commit suicide and then days (like today) ill sit and just think of how i can kill myself. . of who would come to my funeral. . (i made lists. . like would my friends come because they were sad or because they were glad they didnt have to act like they liked me anymore?) i like this guy, like REALLY like him, and i was thinking about telling him. . but my other friend likes him too (she started liking him after i already did. . grr) and yesterday i felt so confident i would just TELL him, and today im like man, she can have him, because i have no chance with him. i hate school, im going to fail my geometry class. we have like 3 pages of homework due friday and i havent CANT do it. i looked at it i tried but i dont get it. in class, i dont pay attention. . .sometimes i TRY, really try, but i just CANT its soo boring. . my other classes, well, yeah. . its school and i hate school. except for english which i could pass. .i wrote a short story for our assignment, its about this girl who cuts and what happens to her. .now im scared theyll think i cut, and find out, or tell my parents about my story or something. . sometimes i really consider suicide, but i dont think i would ever ACTUALLY REALLY do it, im not brave enough. .
sorry this is soo long. .


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odd_hobbit
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I used to do a lot of weird stuff to my body. I would bite myself. Cut myself. OD on pain killers. Inhale toxic fumes. I think I liked pain mostly because it made me feel alive. My life was always so numb that I never felt anything. No emotions. So by cutting or hurting I was feeling somehting. I read a poem once that talked about that. I thikn it went like this

Have you ever curled yourself
around a razor blade
because the sharpened tang
was all you could feel
and it was better than
feeling nothing at all?

That summed up how I felt. I slowly got myself out of that though. Nobody knew about it. I took to slapping an elastic against my wrists for hours. Or I would draw on myself with red pen. I dont know how good that ink is for you though. But it worked.

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-Rhianne
Space Cadet Glow


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Breezy119
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I've recently had thoughts of cutting, and several times I have been very close to it. I cut a few times about a year ago, but haven't since. I've hit an all time low, with all the things going on around me, and I have been suffering from depression for about 5 years. But I am proud to say that yesterday, I asked for help. I told my boyfriend that I was very depressed and had thought about cutting *though I didnt go through with it* and that I needed him to help me get help, because I know I wont be able to reach out on my own. He said he's going to hold me to this and do everything he can to help me. I just thought I'd share a bit of good news
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MASKCOLE
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Angel07 I am currently reading a book called SKin Game by Caroline Kettlewell. I love it, it is SO me... I suggest you pick up a copy. But to quote her near the end of chapter 10, everything she says makes sense in regards to suicide: "...I yearned for a resolution, for escape from the scratching distress of now." "Somehow, I wasn't really picturing the long-term consequences of dead: that I'd be dead now, dead later, and dead ad infinitum. I was looking for dead in the short term. Dead until maybe, say, it was time to go to college."
I think this really puts into perspactive just ho permanent death certainly is. You sound like a such a smart girl I would love to talk to you over private e-mail or whatever. Just thought I'd reinforce that dead is dead..... that's it. E-mail me and we can talk or something.
~Nicole

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Kara Zor-El
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Breezy119, that is so awesome that you asked your boyfriend for help! It's wonderful that you found the courage to open up to someone.

If all of you haven't already, everyone really must see the new movie, "Thirteen."
It was co-written by an actual 13 year-old based on her own experiences. The lead character cuts herself several times and gets seduced into other self-destructive behavior by her new friend at school. It's really powerful and I think this film could really help a lot of people recognize why they do certain things. I suggest everyone should go to this movie with their most trusted friend or family member. Seeing it together might help initiate a dialogue.


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Angel07
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quote:
Originally posted by MASKCOLE:
"...I yearned for a resolution, for escape from the scratching distress of now." "Somehow, I wasn't really picturing the long-term consequences of dead: that I'd be dead now, dead later, and dead ad infinitum. I was looking for dead in the short term. Dead until maybe, say, it was time to go to college."

whoah, thats a neat quote. yeah, i dont think ill ever actually kill myself. its kind of odd though. im like so terrified of death, because of the fact its so final. sometimes i start thinking, and im thinking how it would be to be dead, and then i realize your just not here, you dont get to think, or at least im not sure. and ill get so scared. and then the next day ill consider taking my life earlier than i would be giving it up normally. and i just want to say, that cutting is really addicting, i found that out. so if you're ever tempted to start people, DONT !!! its hard to resist starting, i know, but its about 100x harder to resist stopping.


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Breezy119
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Thanks Kara Zor-El. And Angel, your so right. It IS hard to resist sometimes, but I know from the past that its so hard to stop too. And after you stop, its hard to stay away from it. You can't really get rid of the feelings that make you want to and you cant get rid of the urges. Its a difficult thing.

I really want to see that movie "Thirteen". When I had read about, I was really surprised that it was a true story and that a 13 year old girl was going through so many things that most people dont deal with until high school.


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CorsetFetish
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*raises hand* Professional self-injurer here.
I started cutting with shaving razors about a year and a half ago.
I'm sort of over it. My mindset about it has changed drastically. I'm still somewhat addicted to the endorphin rush I get from it, but lately I've been popping Benadryls or Ambien to get much the same effect. Yes, I know, not that much better...but at least they don't leave scars.
Onto the actual topic at hand now..

I have a wonderful boything right now. We met at a camp for kids with special needs that we both volunteer at. Knew each other for about a month, started dating. Fell head over heels, went the whole nine yards two weeks ago.
A week later, he broke up with me. He originally told me it was because his mom and his friends had found out I was a cutter (also that I'm bisexual) and were giving him crap about it. I was like, "Excuse me? Welcome to MY life. You think I didn't piss off my friends who were lesbians and didn't know I was bi? You think I don't know what it's like to get raked across the coals by your parents because of who you love- try going out with an eighteen year old lesbian you met on the internet in South Texas, bubb."
After the long rant directed at him, he spills his guts and tells me the other people were an excuse. Admits that he wasn't ready for how serious we were. I'm like, OK fine, let's back off.
We're still friends, and I was cool with it, it wasn't awkward at all to see him.
But tonight, he asks me if I'll be here when he is ready for something that serious. If I'll wait for him.

This is not my first serious relationship. I know that the odds of us spending forever and a day together are miniscule. I'm not trying to be a romantic here.
But I love him. He has been there for me through just about everything I could put him through. He's listened to me when I had had a flasback and needed someone to calm me down, he's seen me in a panic attack and didn't even blink. I've cut three times in the two months we were going out, and he was absolutely amazing about it. Didn't pressure me for why, didn't demand to see them, nothing. All he's ever asked about that is that I tell him when I do it. It's so weird...I've had shrinks and my parents demand to see it, that I tell them why, and I always refused to. But it's like since he's not making me, he's respecting my privacy...I DO want to share that with him. So I did, and it made us unbelievably close. I showed him all of my scars -ones that not even my best friend and ex-girlfriend (who both cut themselves) were not allowed to see. He didn't freak out, he didn't judge me for them..he just kissed them and told me he loved me.

I want to trust him. He hasn't left yet- even though we're not going out anymore, he's made it clear he still loves me and that when he grows up a bit he wants to get back together with me.
I'm just scared I'm seeing what I want to see. This stems from my low self-esteem, I know..but I just feel like, "He could have any girl he wanted, he's goregous, he's so sweet, he's just amazing...why is he wasting his time with me?" I'm so screwed up, I've got so much of a past to me....I'm either pushing people away because I'm going into my introverted antisocial mode or I'm uber-annoyingly clingy.

This has turned into a big huge ramble...sorry. It's just two AM, I can't sleep, and I needed to get this out....thanks to anyone who managed to get through this!

~CorsetFetish~


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Breezy119
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Hey Corset, I know that feeling so well. I honestly think that my boyfriend had the pick of the litter, and out of all those girls out there, he chose me. The ugly little depressed one. Why? I don't know. But I guess if he chose me out of all those girls, then there MUST be something special about me. You have to remember that. What we see in the mirror is so different from how others percieve us. All I ever see is someone that I think is hideous, and that I hate. But when my boyfriend looks at me, he says he sees the most beautiful person he's ever met. I don't know much about you or your boyfriend/boy friend, but he must see something that you don't. Your not screwed up. In fact, your incredibly brave to be so honest with him, with everyone, and with yourself. Its hard to confess about cutting and depression, and its hard to come out of the closet about bisexuality, I know first hand because I had to see my brother do it. And Im so proud of him for it. You really have some guts, and thats hard to see with a low self esteem and when others are so judgemental.
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Angel07
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im posting, but im not sure what im looking for, so ill just go ahead and say everything
honestly these past 2-3 weeks have been some of the hardest times of my life ever. . and now im just falling and i cant stop it. i dont do anything i am nothing i feel nothing. i dont know who i am, i lost myself, but i dont know where to look. i just realized i cant go to my friends bday party thats coming up, even though i wish i could, because its swimming. how can i go swimming?! my arm looks like crap. i cant do a sport- id have to wear a uniform i.e. short sleeves. how can i wear short sleeves w/ my arms like this?! last night i was crying, and i dont feel anything, i got so angry, i just grabbed my scissors and slashed my arm up and i didnt feel it. . i dont feel anything. i try to make myself feel stuff, anger, guilt, embarrassment, and i dont know. its not there. theres nothing inside me anymore. i feel like maybe im dead already, that this is all some coma or dream or something. and everyone always says oh talk to someone, i cant talk to anyone. well, i talk online like here because no one knows who i am or anything. but in real life? i dont know ive never been a person to really share my feelings and stuff. oh and about the guy i liked- i told him. he doesnt like me back, i bet he likes my friend. oh well. ive done like 2 homework assignments in geometry so far weve had like 8. and i dont even feel guilty, i dont even care anymore. . .i dont know what i am, who i am, and part of me doesnt even care.

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MASKCOLE
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Angel07,
I know two and three weeks of anger, guilt and ultimate wretchedness can seem like an eternity, but it's not, I promise. It WILL pass, things WILL get better. About your friend's bday party... try stopping for one night, just one. Think of it like this: if you stop, you are triumphant in your battle against the razor. You need to be triumphant right now, not skulk to the back of the line and just give into it!
Perhaps you should tell your parents about this. I know it can be one of the toughest things ever. Just make sure you are calm and relaxed and they are calm and relaxed and let it spill. They can help you. I know seeing a shrink is probably the last thing you want to hear, but these people are professionals, they know all about these things.
But please, whatever you do, don't give into a razor: a piece of shiny fascinating, yet deadly and deciving blade of a desired past.
Good luck :-)

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chickacherrycola
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I have a rather odd situation at hand, to do with cutting. I would very much appriciate some advice. So, thanks in advance to anyone who responds. And sorry it's so long.

About a year ago I met this really great girl, Anne, and developed quite a crush on her (I'm a bi female, btw). I bearly knew her at that time, but over the next few months I became quite good friends with her and that crush grew. I'm convinced that I'd fallen in love for the first time. Then over the next few months the feelings I had for her only continued to grow until it had become almosot this constant pain. In April I confessed what I felt to her. It turns out that she did not return my roomantic/sexual feelings, and while she was questioning at t he time, was beginning to think she was just straight. I had sort of anticipated this response, so I wasn't completely crushed, just disappoointed. I felt really disoriented and overwhelmed foor a few weeks after that, because she had been such a major foocus oof my life and suddenly she wasn't.

I wanted to feel the feeling of loving her soo initensely again, so I started going throuogh oold jouornals and poems I had written trying to reconstruct that sort of desperate giddiiness I felt when I was around her. I didn't work, so I decided to try and emulate the pain I had felt by loving her instead. This is when I first started cutting myself. I did it about 4 oor 5 times over the course of a months, and never too deep. It did recreate the feeling I was attempting and also helping bring back the happier feelings. This accomplished, I stopped doing it.

Until about a week ago. A moonth ago, Ii started going out with a very good friend of mine, Katie. Things have been wonderful, though we only had about a week together before she went away to college, but we're trying the long-distance relationship thing. I love Katie very much, but the love I feel foor her is very warm and fuzzy, not at all like the sharp pain, of what I felt for Anne. It was that paini that made loving her so inicredibly intense, and unique, and I missed it. I'm not sure if I felt the pain with Anne meerly because I knew I couldn't have her or just because of who she was, but I knew it was an indication of how string my love was.

So, last week I cut myself (on the arm, and not too deep) because I wanted too feel more than just the warm fuzzy love I had for Katie, I wanted to feel that intense painful love as well. It worked like a charm, everything came rushing back and I felt truely fufilled. The only prooblem is that I felt really guilty knowing I needed more that Katie's love to satisfy me.

Also, I talked to both Katie and Anne about what I had done and they are both really worried about me and want me to stop. I know I shouldn't be doing this at all, just because it's unhealthy, but it does seem to work, so I am quite torn. I mean it's not like I'm doing this because I'm super depressed or anything, and I don;t feel like it's negatively effecting my life. Is it bad to want to continue considering cutting an option in a situation like this?


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Kara Zor-El
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Cutting is never an option.

You may not feel super depressed but you are definitely unhappy to an extent. And you're right, this is an unhealthy expression of an unfulfilled need. Reading your poems and journals didn't work because they were too introspective. You wanted an active outlet for your emotions so you cut yourself. This is not only unhealthy for obvious reasons but it is also unhealthy because it is giving you a false sense of relief. You are transferring emotional pain into physical pain but you need to address your emotional needs directly. They're not going to go away until you do.

Your need for an active outlet is a good one and there are many healthy activities to pursue. You could engage in really intense exercise. Go out and sing really bad karaoke. Believe me, these things are just as painful but you will feel 100 times better afterwards.

The best thing you have done so far is tell Katie and Anne about your cutting. Keep that dialogue open. They sound like really good friends and they love you.

And one more thing -- your love for Katie is never going to feel like your love for Anne. Every love feels different. But Katie loves you back and that leaves room for your loves to grow together. Enjoy it. This love may end up feeling more intense and fulfilling than your love for Anne ever did.

Good luck,
Kara


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coldplayer
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they say its its the hardest thing to start, and the hardest thing to stop. and yes it sure is hard to quit.
it has unfortunately become my 'way' of dealing with life and although it may not be pretty, it works for me.
i cut my legs (so noone can see the scars)and bite the inside of my mouth until theres no more blood to bleed.
sometimes when i 'need' to talk, i do that, then i don't..
noone knows about it really, a close friend knows i've cut my legs once or twce, but i keep it to myself because i don't want attention.
seeing blood is like watching the pain flow off from your body, like getting rid of the 'angry blood'.
i'm fed up of feeling like such a mess!

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innocenteyez43
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I know the feeling, the urge to feel that release right? Well i'm 15 and i've been cutting my wrists/legs for about 6 months. It's painful because my parents/friends are aware and i have to go to therepy. It doesn't help me at all, i've been looking for group therepy instead. It hurts to know that i've made my mother and friends cry over this. I feel so completly selfish. I feel like there is nothing left in my body but pain and deceptions...I know if i try hard enough i can overcome this and so can you...
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Angel07
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im still cutting. . so its been a month. . and im no better. i dont know who i am, and i hate myself-what ive become. i dont feel anything, so i slash my arms up. only one of my friends knows about it, and he doesnt help at all. sorry, i know that sounds mean, but its true. i just dont know what to do anymore. i like, cant tell anyone else. i told him because i know he wont go tell a teacher or whatnot.
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coldplayer
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they say its its the hardest thing to start, and the hardest thing to stop. and yes it sure is hard to quit.
it has unfortunately become my 'way' of dealing with life and although it may not be pretty, it works for me.
i cut myself in unobvious places, especially my legs because i don't want anyone to see the scars, and bite the inside of my mouth until theres no more blood to bleed.
sometimes when i 'need' to talk, i do that, then i don't..
noone knows about it really, a close friend knows about two of the many many times i've done it, but i keep it to myself because i don't want to be seen as an 'attention seeker'.
i had advice from this site before to see someone i could talk to. well i did, a friend's mum listened to me for about an hour. i didn't ask to talk to her, there was a problem with my mum on the phone and she could see that i was trying to hide how i felt, then we got talking.
afterwards, she couldnt believe it. she is worried that one day i might explode because i have so much i need to let out. she described me as 'crushed by my parents' and that my mum is making me feel guilty for being me. as soon as i got home afterwards and into my room, i burst into tears and couldnt stop for half an hour (very unlike me!).
now i dont know what to do. i get child abuse on a mental level from my dad when i see him sundays and always have (according to my mum and the woman i spoke to) but because he has to see us, noone knows how to stop him. i always thought it was normal!
my mum is a control freak and her bf gives me grief (when i picked up scissours the other day, he said 'go on, do it!' but he doesnt know that i self hartm..).
i have a restraining order against my mum's ex-bf because he hit me, kicked me, chucked a big book at my head, swore at me, hurt my brothers etc etc. and i've recently descovered that my grandad (who i dont know) tried to kill me as a baby after beating up my dad and breaking his own daughter's nose! i'm also slightly autistic along with my youngest brother(who is much more than me) and i'm getting very stressed with my GCSEs and coursework- the DR made me stop for a week recvently because i came out in an unknown stress related viral infection all over my hands. i failed a job interview the other day on the grounds that i am 'too shy to work with the public' and mum has just announced she is getting married, again..
i have A LOT of steam to let off, and self-harm is how i do it.

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crustpunk
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I used to cut myself.
It was about 3 months ago. I was just really depressed and kind of in a different state of mind. All kinds of things were happening in my life and I felt like I had no control over anything.

So first I started having major outbursts towards my parents. I'd freak out and scream and cry and break things and slam doors. Then one day it got really bad and without even thinking I grabbed my switchblade (knife) ran in my room, locked the door, and started cutting. Cuts usually hurt, but the blade going across my skin felt good. Afterwards it hurt of course, but during, I guess I was just in so much pain emotionally, I didn't focus on the physical pain.

After that things got worse. I started being more and more out of control, I started cutting myself more, and just not acting like me. On many incidents my mom called the cops on me and I got lectures and such. Finally my mom said I needed to go to a therapist.

I wanted to, because I wanted to be my normal self again, but I was so scared I would make up any reason to not have to go. Even when I DID go to the therapist, it was pointless. I would avoid answering her questions, I wouldn't answer them completely honestly, and I would ignore her questions. Eventually I guess I kind of started acting normal again, so my mom stopped making me appointments.

For awhile after that, I still felt the same inside. I didn't show it, but I did. I felt like if I died no one would care, and I'd just disappear from everyone's memories. I still cut myself, but hid it well.

The funny thing is, my mom payed all kinds of money for a therapist that didn't help me one bit, but many phone conversations with my then ex-boyfriend (now boyfriend again) was what made me better and stop cutting. And even now, many months after all that, a conversation with a good friend of mine who had gone through cutting, depression, and even being in a mental institution, further convinced me that how I felt before didn't matter. That people did care about me and that cutting myself and feeling horrible all the time was pointless.

So I guess the point of this is that all you need to feel like you're wanted (which is from what I know a main reason people get depressed) is a few good friends, maybe even some who know what you're going through, to help you get through it.

I'm sorry my little post got kinda off topic, I guess once I started talking all kinds of other thoughts and feelings kind of came out along with it.


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froggy_dear
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I used to cut myself too. In middle school I'd cut the back of my wrists with fingernail clippers, and my thighs with razor blades. I've stopped now, but that doesn't mean that it's not something I think about when I'm depressed. Especially depressed and shaving my legs.

But at the time I started, I had no idea that it was something that happens with a significant number of people. It seems really odd to me that there is no education on it in schools. If the teachers would have just thrown in a mention of it with the yearly puberty/sex video, and I think it would send the message to us that we're not alone.


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sweettweet22
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well...I've been depressed for God knows how long...I try to just cover it up with a great big smile, but I always just end up crying in the end (or inside...where it really hurts)...I didn't eat for two weeks (nothin but water and milk), and I cut myself, because I feel as though it realeases all the pain that's built up inside (at least for that short amount of time), I almsot drank a cup of bleach (but I didn't), wow...I'm just so shocked taht so many ppl are going through the same thing that I am going through- one "positive" way to "deal with all this "snuff"", is too write (that works for me)...of you try to write down evrything that you are feeling at that moment, it relaxes you (at least for a short amount of time)...well...I hope this chat continues, because I don't feel so left out now
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sweettweet22
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oh this is what I had to add (I forgot)...since I can't really trust anyone to talk to about this, I just turn to writing, but now that I've found this chat, there's somethin else I can turn to
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Melancholy_Mango_Mania
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I have some problems with cutting and the lot, i've tried to hide it from my parents and have been doing a pretty good job at it so far. Sigh.
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sweettweet22
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I have been hinding it also, by wearing long sleeved shirts/sweatshirts...and when I wear short sleeved shirts, I jus wear a few bracelets to try and cover the scars up- so far so good
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BLuAngl
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*sigh*
well i guess i should put my 2cent in....awhile ago one of my really close friends have tried to kill himself...luckly other people were there and it never happened.. this all was happening b4 him and I started talking. Then he tried agian. I made him promise me that he wouldnt do this again.
...neways to make a long story short i just want to say that its sad to see people want to hurt themselves. I think that if you have a friend like this or even someone that isnt a friend trying to hurt themselves.. HELP them ...just show them that you care for them and you love them!

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Lone_Wolf
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I'm 16. I have been feeling unsettled and unhappy for about a year and a half. I don't know if you can call it depression. one of my friends said she was depressed and everybody had a go at her for putting a serious name to her not being that bad...and making a mockery of people that are depressed...so I don't want to lable it that, but I do feel so bloody low. when can you call it depression?
I have been self harming on and off for about 8 months. I did it a few times by just scratching myself on the wrists till I bled. and I have eczema on my arms and legs that I pick at and scratch deliberatly till they are raw and dribbling blood, even when they don't itch. that was when it first started, and I had a brief spell of not doing anything and just hateing myself. then I started up again about a month ago. I use razors and selotape dispensors (the serated blade bits) to but myself. on the tops of my arms. I still have the eczema and I still won't leave it alone. I don't feel anything when I do it. sometimes I feel physical pain, but not enough for it to stop me. but my emotions are numb until I see the scars or the marks a few days later. sometimes I feel glad that I have hurt myself, and sometimes I feel ashamed and worry about others seeing the marks. I used to do it on my wrists, but now I do it on my upper arms so they are less obvious. one crazy thing is, although it hurts, and I don't have a thing for pain, I just can't stop. I crave it. I think about cutting myself all the time. I still scratch till I bleed on my wrists, and I cry a lot. mostly before I do it...sometimes after. its a release in a way. probably all of this has been said before... I think I feel better for doing it, but as someone earlier said, I don't really feel anything, and the cutting is the only thing I feel. the physical pain. I never feel remorse, but I do feel shame sometimes... but mostly I hate myself more for doing it.

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Angel07
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wow. havent been here in a LONG time. i just came on a whim and saw these posts i had made when i started cutting. it seems so odd to see myself write about only having done it for a week. then 2 weeks. then a month. and say i would never kill myself.

it has been a little over 4 months since i started cutting. im seeing a psychiatrist, but i hardly talk to her. i have OCD as well. i got put back on prozac. i would not take it for weeks, then take like 70 mg a day (my dose is 20). i havent taken it in awhile. i tried to kill myself on Nov. 3rd. i started taking pills, but got scared and threw them back up. since then, ive come close to suicide many more times.
last night i cut. i hadnt done it for a whole week. im gonna have scars. my arms and legs have white lines all over them. you can still faintly see the word HATE written on my calf.
i was blowing off everything. i wouldnt hang with my friends. wouldnt do any homework. failing classes etc. im a little better than i was, but still not good.

just felt like updating...


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BlackTangledHeart
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ive been cutting since march 03, but i managed to stop for bout 3 months or sumthing like that,i used to cuts my legs and my stomach and i have really bad scars left on both, but these past 2weeks i've started to do little ones on the upside of my wrist, which i cover with a sweat band, i know i know i shudnt carry on doing this to myself, i haven't told my bf about these little cuts i do because i dont want to hurt him and he is also a recovering cutter, and i dont want to trigger him,
im just wondering am i really wrong to not tell him how i feel at the moment and that ive started cutting again, i dont want to carry on hurting poeple around me so i figured its best that they shouldnt know,
am i wrong? my boyfriend currently thinks im happy and im fine is it best to keep it like this?

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*transient
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Hey everyone.
I am not a cutter. I don't offer the best advice all the time, but I am speaking from experience.
In my opinion, anyone who feels they have to physically hurt themselves in order to deal with stress NEEDS HELP.
Not to be offensive. I have many friends who are/were self mutilators. One is my former girlfriend. I want all of you to know why she is my FORMER girlfriend...
A few years ago we started dating. I knew before then that she was a cutter. For some reason, I also thought I could deal with it.
That's where I fooled myself.
Being with her was a downward spiral for me. She would cut more than once a day, badly, anywhere on her body except her face/neck. I always told her I wanted her to stop, and she always said she would stop for me. That was a lie first of all, and the wrong reason to boot. In the end, she would get mad & tell me she didnt have a problem. Meanwhile her whole body was scarred up.
Anyway I couldnt take it. It is so depressing to see someone you care about so much hurt themselves. So now we don't talk. I haven't even called or emailed her in years, because I just can't deal with her cutting.
I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad here. I want you to know how much of a strain this puts on your relationships, platonic or otherwise. Everyone gets stressed out, and not everyone cuts. So clearly, this is not the solution to any problems you may have. If you're upset, go to the gym & work it off. Talk to someone. Do some yoga, play piano, turn up your stereo REALLY LOUD and sing until you lose your voice...call someone. If you are about to hurt yourself, I challenge you to consciously think about other things you can do to make yourself feel better, that AREN'T destructive or harmful to you. You all sound like good people and I'm sure you're all strong enough to stop hurting yourselves.
I don't want any one of you to end up the same way me & my ex girlfriend did - she now feels super bad about herself, and cuts even more... because she thinks I don't talk to her because I don't like her.
Really, the only problem was that she was cutting. It could have worked out otherwise, which is a shame. But it's just too hard to deal with.
Anyway, the main thing is, DO SOMETHING ELSE. Don't hurt yourself, don't shoot up, don't get sloshed 24/7...start doing things you LIKE. Make plans. (I suggest that you start doing your schoolwork if you don't want to feel bad about NOT doing it. You're the only one incontrol of that hon!) And you know what? I don't know why so many people refuse to go to therapy. I've gone, pretty much everyone I know has gone at some point, and really, I don't get what the big deal is. By not going you're just closing yourself off to something that could really help you (trust me, it DOES!)
Well I hope you all take something away from this...and I hope you're all happier than when you last posted. Sh*t happens, but to EVERYONE, you are no different from the rest of the human population! Think about what you're doing, and don't feel guilty & do it even more - DO SOMETHING ELSE! You're the only one that can make it stop, and help yourself. Good luck xoxo

------------------
*and i love her


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sweettweet22
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well...I'm going to try real hard to say this in a "polite"way- transient...you said that you were a former cutter right? well if you really were, than you know that it's not easy to stop right? and the way you put it (that those that cut themselves need to stop, do something they like, and get help)- is "easier said than done"- I know you are trying to help, but face reality, it's not that easy to stop...cutting is a way to escape from things that are going on in our ("cutters") lives- I agree taht there are other options, but sometimes those options aren't as easy to do as they may sound- yes, I agree that there are better ways to deal with "stress" (or watever), but sometimes they don't really relive you from all of the pain- for example...one reason that I cut, was because one thing kept happening after the other and I jus couldn't take it anymore...exercising didn't help, because I didn't see any physical pain as in cuttin...to me, when I see the blod from my cuts, it makes me feel as though I am still human, and I still do feel pain (hope that makes sense)- but anyway...your I know you can't change the past or anything (and I'm not telling you to)- but my opinion is that you oculdve TRIED to do more to help her deal with all of that, because leaving her jus made it worse (as you have seen for yourself)- I mean...if that were me, that's jus another good reson to continue cutting- people like me that cut, they need someone to talk to them, someone that understands wat they are going through(not jus acts like they understand, when they have no clue wats going on inside)- I apologize if I sound a little rude, but it jus makes me angry when people say they know how someone feels, when they have no idea...I know you said that you were a cutter...but for how long? was it easy to quit? and how would you feel if...lets say...your older brother (lets say you have one...I don't know, jus an example)never talks to you once he found out you couldnt stop cutitng yourself...how would you feel?- well hope I dind't offend you in any way, and I hope SOMEONE/ANYONE knows wat I am TRYING to say

------------------
I'm so confused- I scare myself~ "y do we luv the ppl that HATE us, and HATE the ppl that luv us?"


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exsesivelybored911
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Hey, I'm not a cutter, nor do I know anyone who is. (as far as I know)
But I have been reading these posts, and I just don't really understand...
I mean, I know that you think life is bad, and that your addicted to the pain. But there are people who care. LOTS of people, all those people who you are afraid to show, probably one of the reasons you don't want to show them is because they would make a big deal of it. Which it is. I used to think no one cared about me. But when it really came down to it, even the people I didn't really care about at school, or people I didn't talk to often. Anyone who I might shun, if I found out they did something like cutting, I would be devistated. I can't stand the thought that someone could be in so much pain that it would be a relief to cause themselves pain.
That's probably the biggest problem with society, that we cannot bring our feelings into the open.
I know it can be hard to see anything good when your in the situations you're in, and people use this argument so often, and it just becomes a stupid cliche that you want to ignore. But when you're hurting like that, your blinded to anything else. All you can feel is the hate and the anger. Life is not that bad...
Anyway, I'm not too sure why I added this post... it's just that when I saw all of these posts on cutting, I just needed to say something. I just can't sit here and read them and wonder if they think people don't care... because I DO; I may have no idea who you are, and no way to find out, but it really pisses me off that you have to go through something like this.
ok, well I guess I'll quit rambling now..
Love you guys ({);


p.s. {for any who don't have MSN; ({) is a hug }


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Melancholy_Mango_Mania
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I agree with sweettweet. It's not that easy to stop. When someone just says, "You cut? Man, you gotta stop that. Stop," it's not gunna be convincing to make someone stop their self-injuring behaviour. At least it wouldn't convince me, anyway...

It's like, addictive. My favourite colour used to be purple; since I started cutting it's no longer purple--it's crimson red. And people who don't cut and say they don't understand, it's okay. I didn't either, before I got into it. Anyway, I've forgotten the point of this post anyway....
Oh yeah, to tell sweettweet I totally agreed with the post.

Haven't been around here in a while, heh. Perhaps I shall get back in the swing of things...


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