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Author Topic: to tell or not to tell?
cupcake
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k this might sound dumb but i'm really stuck.
i'll try keep it as factual as possible.

when i was little, my older brother did all sorts of shit to me, forcing me to give him oral sex, raping me, and one awful time, taking a bloody knife (it was bloody from having just cut the steak for supper) and shoving it inside me.

i've tried the whole counseling department,a nd i find i don't actually WANT help. not quite sure why, but hey.

now here the deal, my really good friend and i have kinda started up a relationship. I stress "kinda" because i'm pretty happy being single at this point.

however, i can get really nervous sometimes when i mess around, and i really feel liek i should be upfront with him, to an extent.

but what is that extent? we've been friends for about 2 years now, and he knows SOMETHING happened, he just doesn't know what. do i tell him anything at all, cause i'd rather keep it to myself, or do i tell him?


Posts: 433 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Izza_Bella
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Hey...what you went through when you were younger with your brother was really awful-I'm really sorry about that. I was also sexually abused when I was younger and I just want to say that maybe you haven't come to grips with it yet. I mean, I didn't even think about it until I started to get involved in dating and intimacy. You may not feel the need now to get some counseling but with my experience-the time will definitely come. About your guy, your experiences as a child might have given you a false outlook on what a relationship should be or how a guy should be treating you hence, your reason for being nervous when you mess around. You're probably wondering, "ok, when is he going to pull a bloody knife on me?" or maybe its only present in your subconscious. I dunno, that's just what i think. I think you definitely need to deal with your experiences by yourself before you get intimate. If you choose not to than yes, tell your guy about what happened to you I'm sure he will understand.I hope this helped.
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Lady Moonlight
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My heart goes out to you.

I can understand not feeling ready for therapy yet. That's okay, and very valid. However, as you've discovered, past sexual abuse can very much affect your current sex life and your relationships in general. I strongly recommend a book called [u]The Courage to Heal : A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse[/u] by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. While not everything in it may apply to you, it's a really useful tool for dealing with past sexual abuse, and it doesn't require a counselor to work through. As an added benefit, it also has a section called "Supporters of Survivors" which provides guidance and suggestions for folks like your friend who are trying to support and help a survivor.

You may find, as you progress in your relationship, that certain things just set you off for no reason you can explain. While you don't have to give your partner all the details, it would be good to give him some idea of what happened so that he can be patient and supportive.


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cupcake
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see my main thing is that right now, we're so happy, and i really don't want this to change stuff.

it's not that i think he'll get freaked out and stuff, i know him well enough to know he woudn't, he's always been there for me, and his other friends.

i just don't want the undertone of asd unhappy freaky stuff to come back....


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Lady Moonlight
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I understand what you mean about not wanting the undertone to come back. The thing is, from what I understand about this stuff (from my mom, who's a therapist, and from my best friend, who's a survivor), the creepiness has a nasty tendency to sneak up and grab you when you least expect it.

With any other sensitive issue in a relationship, my general belief is that it's best to bring it up before it becomes an immediate issue. For example, better to bring it up and have a discussion, however brief ("Look, I just wanted you to know so you'd understand if XYZ happens for no apparent reason") when you're snuggled on the couch than when you're intimately engaged and something he expects to be pleasurable hits one of your triggers and you both have to deal with your unexpected reaction.

As for how much to tell him, you could always start very general (you said he already knows something happened, after all) and tell him to ask you if he wants more details or has specific questions. (Assuming, that is, that you'd be willing to tell him.)

My friend always spoke of her abuse in pretty general terms, and eventually I told her I'd like to know exactly what happened if she was willing to talk about it. She told me, and I admit that it freaked me out for a bit (I was lucky enough to grow up in a very sheltered and loving environment). It didn't really change anything, however, and after a fairly short while it just became one more thing in the pile of facts and feelings that make up my friend and the way I feel about her.

Ultimately, you are the one who should be in control of how you handle your memories, including what, when, and how much to tell your friend(s).

Blessed be.


Posts: 943 | From: Missouri, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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