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Author Topic: i feel so depressed
incubuckley
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Member # 5617

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i've only told one other person about this. i hate thinking about it, but i know i need help. i only told my best friend in the world about it - i couldn't even tell my therapist.

when i was younger, i was sexually abused. and now, i'm afraid that i'm "addicted" or "corrupted" by what has happened to me, because all i tend to think about is sex...at night, i dream about it... and it was by another girl, so could i become a lesbian because of it?! i mean, i know i sound paranoid and stuff, but i feel so horrible because all i want now is to sleep with someone (but i'm still a virgin in the sense that i haven't been with a guy), so i masturbate a lot...i mean...i feel so incredibly horrible.

is this normal behavior? i've been like this since it happened.

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"if i can't be your everything, then no one can" - tobyslater


Posts: 2 | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kythryne
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5460

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Oh, honey, what you're feeling is perfectly normal. It's very typical among abuse survivors, and there's nothing at all wrong with you. I went through something very similar just a few months ago, when I was working through some other abuse-related issues in therapy.

Being abused really messes with your head, but it's not your fault, and you don't need to feel guilty or dirty because you're feeling like this or because you were abused in the first place.

Therapy really can help with this. I know it'll be scary to tell your therapist what happened, but she or he can't help you with it until you do. I was absolutely terrified, and I nearly ran out of the session the day I told my therapist that I'd been raped, but I finally got the words out -- and you know what? I left that day feeling better than I had in years. I still have bad days, but the things I've learned in my therapy sessions help me cope with them.

Here are some links to websites for abuse survivors -- they're no substitute for therapy, but they may help you understand some of what you're going through.
http://incestabuse.about.com/
http://abuse765.homestead.com/abuse765.html

Two other things. One, masturbation is normal, it's fun, and it's the safest form of sex there is. And two, you don't say how old you are, but it's very typical for teenagers to want to have sex all the time. Sex is a normal part of life, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex, as long as when you do, you do it responsibly and carefully.

Good luck, hon, and please do talk to someone who's trained in helping abuse survivors. It could help you a lot.

Kyth

[This message has been edited by kythryne (edited 10-21-2001).]


Posts: 1685 | From: New York City | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
incubuckley
Neophyte
Member # 5617

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that helps a lot...i mean, lately, i've just been worried about it. i don't attend therapy anymore, but i am on medications for depression and stuff. i would feel so...weird if i had to tell someone who actually did this to me - like i said in the beginning, only one of my closest friends knows about it and who it is. i have some major trust issues, i know.

masturbation, i know, is normal. i just wondered if it was normal to the extent that *i* do it. sometimes, it's a daily thing, and even then, it's multiple times. and i feel so bad for it, but i can't stop myself. it's like i want to re-live in some way what happened to me when i was younger.

it feels so good to get this off my chest, i swear...thank goodness there's a place like this that can help with my problems that i have.

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"if i can't be your everything, then no one can" - tobyslater

[This message has been edited by incubuckley (edited 10-21-2001).]


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PoetgirlNY
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Member # 168

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As long as masturbation isn't interfering with your regular activities, and it isn't causing you physical discomfort, then it's fine. You really sound like you could use some professional counseling. Is there a way that you can get back into therapy? Try to find someone you really feel comfortable talking with, and someone you can trust. It can be really hard to talk about this kind of stuff, but it's so important. Also, keep in mind, that possibly unlike your friend, your therapist wouldn't know this person. You wouldn't need to tell who it is, you could just talk about what happened and your feelings surrounding it.

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*Limes Are Sublime*


Posts: 1101 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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