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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Girlfriend's Misscariage

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Author Topic: Girlfriend's Misscariage
Jake Hopkins
Neophyte
Member # 5012

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I'm begining to flip out hear, my girlfrend of like 4 months has major probs! She had a misscarriage or something like that and now she is going around acting like she's gonna kill herself. She's scaring me because she is taking everything out by using drugs and drinkin and she's so depressed. And it's all because of losing a "baby" which had only been living like a few m0onths anywayz. I want to convince her that the baby wasn't a baby yet but she does not believe me, and I want to convince her that she shouldn't be so upset with herself, but she can't deal with it. I want to know how I can be more supportive about this and maybe if anyone here has had a misscarraige fill me in on some feelings and stuff, because although i talk to emily, i can feel her slipping away and i'm afraid she'll wind up dead from an overdose or something. She says she needs me to talk to her and I do but I don't know how it feels no matter how she explains and I need help to help her before it's too late..
Posts: 10 | From: Toledo, Ohio, USA | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hold the fort.

if your girlfriend miscarried after being pregnant for a few MONTHS, then it was no small thing, and likely she spent some time at the doctor or in the hospital, no?

If not, something is fishy.

If so, miscarriages are hard, especially when you're wanting to carry a child to term, but they do actually happen a great deal.

I could go on more, but first things first: make sure this is the real thing here, and if so, help her find a local support group (somethig I'm sure the doc or hospital steered her towards).

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jake Hopkins
Neophyte
Member # 5012

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I am most positive this is the real thing, it has been confirmed by a doctor and the actual duration of the pregnancy was about 3 weeks. I'm sorry but I really need help here and I feel like you're just pushing me away. I thought I could come here for guidance so I could help my girlfriend and now I feel really alone. I don't know what to do, I thought everyone here would be helpful to me, at least they seem helpful to eachother, so although you might not know me because I don't post a lot, if anyone could please help me. I truly fear time is running out, I don't know where I can find support groups, and she has not been told of any help either. I'm really freakinng out because scarleteen seemed like my only hope and here you think I or my girlfriend is b-s-ing this, when in reality I fear that the next time I see her could be the last. She blames herself for all of this and i can't find a way to get through to her. If anyone has ANYTHING to tell me, I don't know where to go, what to say, time is ticking, and I'm losing it
Posts: 10 | From: Toledo, Ohio, USA | Registered: Aug 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Celtic Daisy
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 2971

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To start off, i don't think trying to convince her that the baby which had begun to grow in her, wasn't a baby. That prolly won't work, and might make her feel worse.

Look for a support group now and a place where she can possibly get help or counseling. You said she saw a docter about the miscarriage, and i'm sure that docter or a local office can give you some numbers or references.

try and be really supportive and helpful to her, and make sure that she knows you're there for her.

------------------
"where'ths my mommy?"
-Shawna

Akimsa (non-violence)

~Erin~


Posts: 1747 | From: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lady Moonlight
Activist
Member # 384

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Whoa there, calm down. Miz S asked a very legitimate question. Now, some thoughts...

First, are you in communication with her doctor? If so, call his office and ask if they can recommend a support group. Or call the OB/GYN department of a local hospital and ask if they can recommend a group.

Second (and this may sound somewhat blunt, so try to take it in stride), it doesn't matter that to YOU her fetus was never a real baby. Obviously it WAS a real baby to her. It doesn't matter why she feels this way, and she may or may not even be able to explain it. What does matter is that these are her feelings. Trying to talk her out of them isn't going to help. Sometimes being "logical" is not the same thing as being supportive. If she feels that she has lost a child, then she needs a chance to mourn. Maybe a small memorial service would help. Have you asked her what you can do to help? If you truly want to be supportive, you can start by accepting her feelings as valid, then go from there.

Third, your girlfriend being self-destructive, including drug use and being suicidal, is probably not something you can handle by yourself, and certainly not something we can cure long-distance over the internet, no matter how supportive we may be. She needs real-life, professional help. You never said how old you are, so that may affect what sort of help you can get her, but for heaven's sake, TELL SOMEBODY! Tell her parents, tell a school counselor, tell another adult, get her to call a crisis hotline, whatever, but get her some professional help, pronto. We're nice folks here, but we're neither in-person nor professional counselors.

Finally, just out of curiousity, how long ago was her miscarriage? If it was fairly recent, it's entirely possible that her hormones are still messed up, which can contribute to depression. Notice I'm NOT saying this is the entire source of her problems, just that it may be contributing.


Posts: 943 | From: Missouri, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kythryne
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5460

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I've had two miscarriages. It can be an incredibly traumatic experience. What your girlfriend is going through now is not at all unusual.

First of all, I have to second what Lady Moonlight said: it doesn't matter if you think it wasn't a real baby. It obviously was to her, and trying to talk her out of feeling that way will only make her feel even more abandoned and hurt than she already is. It's not at all uncommon for the male partner to feel the way you do, but please, please, please, don't try to minimize her feelings about it.

It sounds like she needs to grieve, but doesn't know how. If you want to support her, encourage her to talk with you about how she's feeling. If you feel differently, that's okay -- you can just listen quietly and sympathize, even if you disagree.

I agree, it does sound like she needs professional help. Try to get her to see a doctor, a therapist, a miscarriage support group -- someone who'll know how to help her work through her feelings about this.

After my first miscarriage, I felt like I was losing my mind. I couldn't cope with any of it. My husband wasn't nearly as hurt and devastated as I was, but he stayed with me, held me, encouraged me to cry and talk about it, listened to me. Just knowing that he was there supporting me got me through some of the worst times.

You said you don't know where to find support groups. You may want to check out this website:
http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/pregnancyloss/

It has a lot of information and links, a discussion board, a chatroom, and a lot of other resources. I found it tremendously helpful.

I'm falling asleep sitting up, but if you have any further questions, please post a reply and I'll try to answer them as soon as I can. Also, you might want to suggest that your girlfriend come here and register so she can post too.
Kyth


Posts: 1685 | From: New York City | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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The reason I asked for validation is that it is nothing close to unusual (ssadly) for troubled women, especially young women, to eiuther fake miscarriages, or imagine they have occurred when they have not. And when that is the case -- it is being done for attention -- it is usually symptomatic of emotional troubles that need professional address ASAP.

I did not ask that out of anything but concern.

I would agree with the rest of the posts here: you're a brand new boyfriend, honey, not a long-term freind or professional. You need to recognize what you can do in terms of immediate help -- save being supportive -- is highly limited. Call the docs office she was at and get some support group references for her. In addition, you may want to talk to her doc or her parents about what is going on regarding her depression. It's important.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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