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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » death of my father

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Author Topic: death of my father
Member # 3813

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18 years ago my father had triple bipass surgery... (my parents had me at 40) now just 2 weeks ago he had another major heart attack.... they decided on quintuple bipass.. the surgery went bad.. causing his lung to collapse.. and plaque moved down his legs later on bringing up the fact they would need to be amputated if he survived... during that 2 weeks i was drained i prepared myself for the worst or atleast i thought i did... i knew it was possible he could die.. and i guess it just shocked me when the ICU nurse said that there was nothing else they could do.. and we as a family agreed on my mother signing the papers to let my father have no outside care and to simpley let him pass away...
so i guess it was the 17th of this month that he did pass away... to make things worse its my senior year.. i had prom saturday night the day of the funeral.. i went because my father wanted me to go not matter what.. i had bachelorate sunday night and i have graduation friday....
i just feel empty.. i was very close to my father being the baby and all... he was my best friend the person i went to if i had problems.. i'm not that close with my mother... so i really dont know what to do now... i cry myself to sleep which i guess is to be expected.... i sleep with his pictures by the bed.. and with his favorite shirt in my arms... i'm trying to let go.. but i cant.... i snap at people for no reason.. i'm trying to be strong for my nephew and niece.. and my sisters brother and mother.. but i cant anymore.....
i'm beginging to get really clingy with my boyfriend.. like i'm afraid if he is out of my sight i might lose him like i have my father.... he doesnt seem to notice this but i do.... i'm a wreck.. and i dont know how to get out of this rut.. i dont want this feeling to control my life.. i want to be happy again... i just dont know how.. i was just hoping someone would have advice......

Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 1386

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Jadedsin, this is all a normal part of grieving and recovery. It is normal to feel a great sense of loss and to look to others for support. You just have to ride it out. It is a shattering experience and everyone has to find his/her personal way of dealing with it. Give yourself some slack and know that recovery will follow. Your closest confidant would be pleased that you mourned him but would also want you to work your way towards recovery.

You have my deepest sympathies for your loss.

Posts: 3442 | From: Stirling, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3072

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Jaded, I got chills when I read your letter because it was so incredibly similar to my own experience.

I lost my mother to breast cancer at 3:23am on April 26, 1996. She had battled it bravely for 13 months and never complained once, but in the end it was simply too much.

Like you, I had big events around that time...I was a junior in high school and it was SAT time. (College Board Testing for those who have not heard of it) My birthday party was supposed to be that same day, my friends and I were going to have fun at the beach. I was confused as to whether or not I should go, but my father reminded me that my mom would have wanted me to have a good time. So, I invited my younger brothers to the party too, in order to get them out of the house, and we all went to the beach.

The next day I had SAT testing for 3 hours, and still had the image of my mom burned into my head. I am amazed I got a decent score on it, I didn't know what I was doing. Two days later, my mother was buried...on my 17th birthday.

My attitude changed dramatically after that. I noticed little quirks in my personality that I didn't have before, I began to screw off more in class, but puzzlingly enough my grades improved. I think that I was trying to do what would have impressed my mother. She wanted me to go to a good university, so I worked hard to make it that way.

I also had a girlfriend at the time, and I wound myself tightly into her, just like you are doing with your boyfriend. When we are hit by such a momentus loss, it is natural human response to want to "fill the void." Whether or not is healthy is debatable, but I did the same thing because I wanted to feel "whole" again and I felt like a large chunk of me had been torn apart. Like you, I got clingy also and had constant fears of losing my girlfriend. My thoughts at the time were "If I lose her, what do I have left?"

It was difficult at that time for me to see that I had many friends and helpful family members who were right there willing to give me support and love when and if I needed it. I know how hard it is to open your eyes up to a world that has been so shaken by a loss, but when you feel able, try to take a look around you and take stock of who all is out there. It sounds like you have a good-sized family who can offer you support when you need it, and there are always friends to count on. By recognizing that there are people outside of your boyfriend who can offer you a dose of support, you will be taking some pressure off of your relationship. It took me too long to make this connection myself, and I spent many months alone with my girlfriend (who was also very close to my mom...they used to get their hair done and legs waxed together! Kind of weird when your girlfriend comes over to visit your mother!) I tended to discount the help of my other friends because I considered my girlfriend a perfect antitode for my own loneliness and pain. In reality, there is no one person that can be relied upon in such time...and if I had spread myself out a little more and looked around more to find the help I needed, there wouldn't have been such a strain placed on my relationship.

I know there are days you want to talk about things and days that you wish it would all go away, but if you are in the mood to chat, please feel free to contact me via ICQ.

I'm sorry that this happened...and we're always here to talk. Take care of yourself...


"Unit 11D to 16, is that you guys shootin'?"
"Negative, they're shooting at us!"
"11D'd better get some Code 6 rolling..."
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BruinDan's Blog!
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Posts: 2727 | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 1548

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This might help. my dad died when iw as two of brain cancer.
i never knew the guy and for most of the time iw as alive before he died he went crazy cause the cancer did sumthing to his head. it is because of this i firmly believe.


hope ive helped sweetie. go and eat ureself sum chokky thats what i do when i feel n e kind of sadness or pain ( unhealthy i know but ultimately feel good) hehe
im sorry

Posts: 82 | From: Australia | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3217

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you will get over father left the world when i am 12 cause by liver cancer
i do miss him but hey, u can't join him up there, you still have life to go on....... juz preserve the memories............

Posts: 46 | From: singapore | Registered: Apr 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3780

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hey sweetie, i know what you are going through, my mo just died a few months ago. i though i was ready for it but i wasnt, i mena she had been sick with aids for a very long timne and i thought i was ready for it me and my brother both, but i think death of someone you love or are close to is really tramatic, adn death of a parent is even worse, and it sucks when you know that they are gone, adn you have th eurge to run and talk to em an they arnt there. do what i do, everynight before i go to bed, i talk to my mom, i know she is up there and can hear me ad i know i sound crazy, but i also talk about the things i remeber me and her doing it makes me feel good, and if i end up crying i feel good about it cuz crying is a form of healing, so babe, dont worry, and if you need to i am here to talk to you about it, my email address is [edited] so talk to me if you need help or just someone to ktalk to who knows what you are going through ok? laters!

Note from Smurf: We appreciate you're willingness to help, but we ask users not to give out their email addys. Thx
sex is not the answer, yes is the answer, sex is the question!

[This message has been edited by LilBlueSmurf (edited 05-25-2001).]

Posts: 20 | From: crystal lake il. USA | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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