I've never really talked about this at all with anyone other then my closest friends, but I have been feeling like I need to talk about it. It was almost a year ago now (I was 17 at the time) when it happened. I was at small party of about 10 friends. i was stupid and i drank way more then i could handle. i went upstairs and i passed out. i donít know how long i was out for before i started to come to. When i was kind of awake i realized that i was naked. A close friend of mine was naked to and his fingers were inside me. i donít know if it was the shock, or if it was the alcohol, but i couldnít move or talk. All I could do was fall asleep. i would be woken up abruptly by sharp pains. The guy was trying to go inside of me. He kept pushing himself inside of me. i couldnít do much. I donít know how long it was before i finally had the strength to try to push him off of me. i finally had the strength to mutter "stop", but he didnít. He kept trying to get inside of me. he kept using his fingers to try to loosen me up. i was so scared, but i couldnít move. Finally i managed to say "stop" with some volume, and i pushed him. He stopped. He left the room. He must have gotten scared when he realized i was awake. There were two other people in the room sleeping. One was even in the same bed. That is when i started to cry. Once he had left the room, i was able to move. I hid what happened. He was my friend. He couldnít have done to me what he did. So I hid what happened. i had told my best friend and my brother what had happened, but i didnít think that it was a problem. i was denying the severity of it to myself. He was my friend, he wouldnít have tried to rape me. But he did. Itís been almost a year and i have convinced myself that i have dealt with what happened. i know that it is always in the back of my mind, and that i will never be able to forget what happened. i will never be able to trust anyone again like i used to be able to. He doesnít know what an effect his actions have had on my life. He doesnít know what he has done to me. i donít know what to do. i finally told my parents what happened a little while ago, and they were very supportive. Then I went to the police. The guy was charged with sexual assault. The courts are slow and its been 8 months and still no trial date has been set. He still goes to parties with girls. i have never been able to ask for help when i need it. i feel my parents look down on me because of what happened. i know that it was my fault. i know that i was stupid for drinking so much. But they were all my friends. i thought i was safe. i need to get help to talk about this, but i cant admit it to myself. i feel weak for letting this effect me so much. i donít know what to do.
im sorry for going on and on but i needed to talk about it. i hope it helps me to finally get help.
[This message has been edited by BlueBalloon (edited 04-29-2001).]
I think it's actually more common for rapes to occur w/ people you know. That seems odd to me ... but it's true.
If it still bothers you, you're not over it. When you can talk about it w/o crying, then i'd say you've put it behind you. But it doesn't seem that you have. It still bothers you.
It's been almost 2 years for me, and i'm still battling w/ it. It's very hard to get over, especially w/ trust issues. At least it was that way for me.
Just know that you can always come here okie? We've got a pretty good support group here, i think, and a lot of people have been through this very thing.
Keep your chin up! You've realized that you need help, now you have to go out and get it. Maybe look into sexual assault centres for counsellors...?? They're usually the best b/c they're specially trained. Although, talking to anyone about this sort of thing helps. You just need someone to listen huh? That's what we're here for (tho none of us are doctors...hmm ...)
Good for you for posting this--you are not alone. Just the other day I posted a very similar account of my own assault, by a "friend" I trusted very much (It's in the Rape and Sexual Abuse Survivors" folder on this board). It's been a few years for me since it happened, and while I still struggle with trust and guilt issues, it's nowhere near as bad as it used to be--things CAN get better.
I thought you were gonna tell an attempted rape story, so I was about to tell mine as well. But what happened to you is actual rape. It feels good letting it out, doesn't it? Good for you. And know we're always here sweetie
Let's see what you did here. You stopped your attacker as soon as you were able. You got the courage to tell your parents and the police, and to get the guy charged. You're seeking help for something you know is a problem. You survived something very scary, you're doing what you can to stop it happening to anyone else, and you've been able to tell us, and who knows who that might help. You're a girl who's been strong and courageous, and there's not much more I can say than that you should feel realy good about yourself.
Posts: 5122 | From: I *came* from the land of ice and snow | Registered: Aug 2000
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