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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » friend in deep trouble

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Author Topic: friend in deep trouble
Nookiebabe16
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My friend Jessie ( the one I started the shoplifting topic about) has gone out amnd done it again. Not shoplifiting this time. She calls me yesterday and goes "My f*ck should be coming soon." I was like EXCUSE ME? and she goes "Dan will be coming over soon.oh he's here gotta go". She calls me back less than an hour later and goes "Dan just left. It hurts." Apparently this Dan kid, whenever he needs to *get off* goes to my BEST FRIENDS house and she takes care of it by letting him have sex with her. Last month she got caught having sex in her car in the mall parking lot. She lost her virginity to a 24 year old guy ..engaged with a kid. And she doesnt care!! I tried to tell her she was making a huge mistake but i was so shocked no words would come out of my mouth! Well yesterday after they had sex for the second time, she called my crying that something wasnt right and it hurt so bad. I told her to call a doctor but she didnt. I know im rambling like crazy and i profusely apologize but I dont know what to do. She told me "I might have to take a pregnancy test" and she laughed!!! she thinks its funny!! I am to my wits end as to what I should do here. Thank you endlessly for any help you can give ..oh and most of the sex..unprotected, and she is inconsistent with the Pill. Thank you again
Posts: 58 | From: Massachusetts, U.S.A. | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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Well, as you said, she is defineatly in deep trouble.

How can you consider her a friend tho ... when she's constantly expecting you to pick up the pieces after her mistakes? It just doesn't seem fair. This relationship seems a little one sided to me ... However, i'm just on the outside looking in. I can only tell you things as i see them.

There's not a whole lot you can do for her. Let her know that if she's going to be having sex on a regular basis, she needs to be consistent w/ the pill ... not only that, but she needs to be using condoms. 100% of the time. Also, be sure to let her know of her risks of contracting STD's and STI's ... Ya know, a baby is really the least that she could get out of the whole deal.

I think if you really care about this girl, as you've said, you need to tell someone. Maybe her parents ... or a teacher ... or a guidance councellor ... Someone w/ more power over her life than you have. Telling her how much you care obviously isn't working, so it's time to take things to the next level.


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ErinK
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I think the Smurf is right here, and I want to put in a big plug for making sure that you are taking care of *you* first and foremost, sweetie.

You can be a good friend to her by doing all of the things that you're doing -- listening to her, offering her advice, giving her information, offering to help her take care of herself (such as accompanying her to a doctor visit or planned parenthood), but ultimately, she is the one who is responsible for her own life. You can't rescue her from everything, as much as you might want to, and it seems like perhaps she might need to see the consequences of her actions in order to wake up.

Letting go of someone who is on a path that you know has potentially dangerous consequences is heartrending and difficult, but I would really recommend thinking about what you are getting out of this friendship, and making it clear to her that if she continues her behavior, she risks losing you.

Erin


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Nookiebabe16
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I know what she is doing is bad, but weve been best friends forever. I cant be heartless and just drop her. I should be there for her to help her. Some of my other friends say Im just too nice. Do you think so?
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LilBlueSmurf
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I have a name for this. Chronic Doormat-itis.

I suffer from it to. So she's been a friend to you for a long time. She's not a friend to you now. Admit it. I think you see it, you just don't want to hurt her. But how much is she hurting you right now? As Erin said, let her know that she's putting your friendship at risk by her behaviour. It's totally unfair and unexplainable. She has every right to be a doofus, but she has no right to drag you (or anyone else) down that road w/ her.

As i said earlier, if you really want to help her, take this to someone who has more experience in it that you do. That's the only thing i can suggest right now ...


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Bobolink
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I must concur with the Smurf. This is self-destructive behavior. You can only do so much. And this you have done. If she is going down a road that you do not wish to accompany her on, you must say so and stand aside, however painful that may me to you.

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The most exciting phrase in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" ("I found it!") but rather "Hmmm... that's funny...."

- Isaac Asimov


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Nookiebabe16
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my best friend called me and told me something awful. Last night two of those guys she slept with, they raped her. I feel like its all my fault. Please help
Posts: 58 | From: Massachusetts, U.S.A. | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinK
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ahem.

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Look, this girl needs help that you can't give her. She needs a counselor, to file charges against these people if she wants to, and medical attention to make sure that none of this has had lasting conasequences.

You are not a doctor, a counselor, a police oficer, or a prosecuting attorney. All you can do is encourage her to seek the help she needs, which you should do so.

Allow me to repeat: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Now, set some boundaries with your friend, and get her to get the help she needs, or walk away. That's right, I said it -- walk away. You don't have to stand by while she destroys herself, and if you're holding out a hand over and over again and she's not taking it, maybe it will be the wake-up call she needs.

Erin


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Duff
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YOU NEED TO MAKE SOME RULES
this girl is being abusive to you, and who knows how thats making her feel, she may be crying for help, but you are helping as much as you can by suggesting, you know, you can offer to go to clinics with her, take her to a theripist or get tested for std's a long with her,(even if you've never had sex), But unless you see her making some constructive moves you need to tell her how you feel and make rules, like : i don't want to hear about your self distructive sex life, i don't want to see or hear about you stealing, so on and so on, and inforce them by being heartless, hang up, walk away, tell her how you feel, when she starts saying things you don't wish to hear.
if the unexceptable behavior continues, drop her, and tell her not to come back untill she's helped herself. You don't need to suffer because other people want you to, or because they don't know how to take care of themself. It's all about you, your feelings, and you can't truly help anyoned unless you feel good.

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glitter695
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Oh hun, Im so sorrys!

Good for you, you seem like a good friend.
I think that you did all you can really do. You were there for her, told her what you think she should do. You even told her to get her butt to a doctor. If she doesnt want to listen, then there is really nothing you can do. Sad but true. She has to take responsibility for herself.

You know, I heard that being inconsistant with the pill makes you more firtile. She can also get STDS from unprotected sex.

I dont think that it has to do with *being too nice* it has to do with being a good friend.

Her getting raped is DEFINIATLY NOT YOUR FALUT. What where you going to do? As I said before, she has to be responsible for herself, not you, you have to worry about your life.

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*~*~12/3/99*~*
*~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't" -Erica Jong<~~~no thats not me :)

*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*


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LilBlueSmurf
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I can't help but be a bit "perturbed" at ya for still allowing yourself to be stepped on. We've all told you that she's going to do what she wants anyway. We've all told you that you're putting yourself at risk for way too much stress (such as now) for something that you really can't do much about. "... Accept those things we cannot change ... "

But that's really all i have to offer. At least for now.

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Go LEAFS Go !!


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Nookiebabe16
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your "perturbed" at me for being a good friend? That is something new. I am sorry that I am not the way you want me to be. I am sorry I care about people. I dont care WHAT she has done. She is my best friend and has just been raped. Nobody showed any concern whatsoever for HER and THAT makes me
"perturbed". Shes not acting like this because shes a horrible human being. She just has a bad attitude because of the family situation shes in and everything she has gone through. but since I am her friend I should be there through thick and thin, whatever may come along. She is also ALWAYS there for me. She is a good friend, but she has a screwed up life. I have always been told to never walk away from those in trouble. You cant shun them, because that makes you a bad human being yourself! All of you that are telling me to drop her I pray for your friends when they are in times of need. My question was simply what should I say to her to help her. I would never drop her. I am not that type of person.

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LilBlueSmurf
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I never said this was about being a good friend. You're being a doormat and she's walking all over you. If you want to take on other peoples' problems as your own, that's your business, but don't get cranky at other people for making a suggestion. It's an opinion. Take it or leave it.

No one here told you to drop her. Simply suggest that her behaviour is too much for you to handle right now ... Because in all honesty, it is. Or you wouldn't be writing all these posts about her asking for advice!

This is the last post i'll be making on this thread. I've given you all the advice i can, and anything further will just lead to an arguement. I hope you get the results you hope for from all of this ...

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Go LEAFS Go !!


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ErinK
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What should you say to her to help her?

"Go to a doctor. Would you like me to come with you?"

"You might wnat to talk to a counselor about that. Would you like me to look up some ones for you to call, and come with you?"

"You should press charges against the people who raped you. I'll stand by you."

That's what we've all been saying -- help her get the help she needs, and if she won't get help, then there's not a lot you can do. You need to take care of yourself or you won't be able to take care of other people.

And this is also my last post to this thread.

Erin


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glitter695
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LilBlueSmurf, wasnt saying that anything about being a good friend.

I understand what she was saying, its like, you offer her your advice and then she just throws it out the window and then the same thing happens again, then she calls you all upset, and you tell her the same thing. Again, she doesnt listen to you. You were being a good friend but telling her what you told her, but if shes not going to listen to what you have to say then you can't worry about it so much.

You've done all you can, now it time to step down and have her take care of herself.

------------------
*~*~12/3/99*~*
*~*~*~I LOVE YOU BOB FOREVER AND ALWAYS*~*~*~

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't" -Erica Jong<~~~no thats not me :)

*~*Scarleteen Advocate*~*


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BruinDan
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Nookiebabe, there is a difference between being a good friend and trying to bail out a sinking ship. Let's be honest here. You are trying to help someone who does not want to be helped.

You can't go through life trying to save the world. Some people want to live their life a different way, and will refuse whatever advice you give. These are people who cannot be helped. You have already told your friend she is making a mistake, and you have stood by her as she refused to take your advice.

At some point you are going to have to decide whether you want to live with constant "drama" in your life, or if you want to try and concentrate on yourself. Frankly, I would recommend you spend more time worrying about yourself, your own studies, and your future plans; than trying to save a person who doesn't want your help.

This kind of behavour is cyclical, and you will find that it is going to continue and spiral out of control no matter what advice you give, and no matter how much you stand by your friend. It's time for you to make a decision about this, and hopefully you will realize that you cannot take someone under your wing when that person does not want your help.

Additionally, I think what people are "perturbed" about is the fact that you seem to be following some of the same patterns of behavior as the friend you are so concerned about. Like her, you were given advice, but refused to take it and instead lashed out at those who were giving the advice. Something maybe to think about...

--Danny

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Duff
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I totally agree with ErinK's last post

We're not trying to put you down, and i have sympathy for your friend, But YOU are the one comming for help, and YOU are the one i have sympathy for. So YOU should help YOURSELF before you can help her. And untill i talk to her, all i can say is try your best to help her, without letting yourself get hurt anymore. Or your putting yourself in a position that you may not like, so whatever. please don't get angry at me, i'm just trying to help


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BlinkN*boys182
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I think you are perfect for each other. neither of u knows how to take advice when it is given to u. No one here is trying to down you, we are trying to give u advice to the best of our ablilitys. I do have one little tid bit of info thou. One of my friends was saying the same stuff, oh im haveing sex, oh i was raped, blah blah blah... the whole time i found out later, she was lying. so watch out.
Abby

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When a player makes a play, hes considerd a pro; when a girl take a turn shes considerd a hoe

watch out i spell like a 2nd grader!!


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