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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » racist problems

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Author Topic: racist problems
Member # 2190

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I recently started going out with this wonderful guy . We'll call him A for now. Well A is wonderful and treats me like a queen and i mean when i look for a boyfriend i dont care about color really. And A is Dominican. Well the other day my grandmother got wind of it and she was like "Theyre ok to be friends with but dont date them. Theyre lazy and never amount to anything unless theyre movie stars or singers." I snapped like a #2 pencil. I went nuts. I even went so far as to tell my grandmother she was a racist. She said shes not, just realistic. She said she wants me with a nice smart white boy. I think part of the problem is his financial situation. While my parents make 6 figure slaries, his barely make 5. They live in the "bad" part of toen while we live in the affluent part. me and him have completely different friends and lives, but somehow that brought us togther. anyways i think my grandma just sees a poor boy with colored skin who isnt in the smart classes. It bothers me alot. Only a select few of my friends know because i dont want my family to know. I just want to know, what should I do in this situation. Have any of you been here before? Thanks mucho in advance
Posts: 58 | From: Massachusetts, U.S.A. | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Oh hon.

Actually, by defintion, anyone who attaches behavioral characteristics to a group of people based on race (positive or negative) is being racist.

You know, almost all serial killers are white males. Really, that's the stat. Does that mean -- even being ACCURATE info -- that all white males are serial killers or that maybe we shouldn't be with them just in case? Nope. But you knew that. But maybe you should share that with Grandma.

I've been on the other side of the spectrum: growing up incredibly poor I had several partners in my life who were affluent and whose families had plenty of ideas about me that just weren't so. Couple that with having a single mother (oh my!), hippie parents (eek!) and being of immigrant stock (gasp!), and it happens. It's probably something everyone will unfortunately encounter on one side or another in their lives, sad as that is.

With *most* people, time can make a big difference. Hopefully, when explosed to your guy, your grandmother will see what she's doing and that she is seriously mistaken.

But, too, she may not. Racism is usually learned behaviour, and if you;ve been that way for all your life, it's really hard to deprogram oneself. Older people who were "born" into those attitudes generally don't grow out of them easily, if at all.

So, perhaps the right thing to say to Grandma is simply this: "I understand you feel that way, but I do not, and I feel it is best I learn for myself and judge people by their character, not their salaries or skin color."

Sometimes, a clear, fair and nonemotional statement like that is the best thing you can do.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 894

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There may be nothing you can do about her opinions. People with strong opinions are often reluctant to give it up, even when they are wrong. Just try to explain to her how you feel and that you really like this guy. Tell her that he treats you really good and that her assumption about all dominican people is not accurate. If she can't understand how you feel, then just let it go. You can't change her mind, but she can't change your mind about dating him either. Tell her that you love her and all, but you just wish she wouldn't think of all colored people that way. Hope that helps somewhat.

Come check out what's goin on in Lucky's mind!

"At one point we decided to fight fire with fire. Well...basically...your house burned even faster."

"Outside of a dog, a book is mans best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

Posts: 492 | From: Michigan | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 1021

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what miz scarlet said was very good. grandparents can be a problem, because many of them are a product of their times. when your grandmother was your age, interracial relationships were probably "uneard of" or a "sin" and just plain "wrong and unethical." so i can understand her attitude (not saying its right). but mabey, if she gets to know him, and she's not too stubborn, then she'll be okay with him, with time. im not going through that now (my bf is danish), but i remember that i was dating a guy from the bad side of town, and my parents flipped, but i didnt care! i continued to see him because i liked him. i knew that i was much happier than if i had just not given him a chance, because my parents thought he was "all wrong." then i would've been thinking "what if?" but ofcourse, you can only do whats best for you.

[This message has been edited by -Dust- (edited 04-05-2001).]

Posts: 63 | From: Virginia, U.S.A | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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