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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Constant fear..nowhere to turn..

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Author Topic: Constant fear..nowhere to turn..
euphoric sadness
Member # 2840

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It just seems that no one understands me these days, but yet how can I expect them to understand me, when I dont even understand myself.

I have a past that keeps me in constant fear. I have been raped three times, as a result of the first one I ended up pregnant, and was forced into having an abortion because the baby would have died, along with myself. When my father found out he came pretty close to killing me (he broke me nose, collarbone, dislocated my shoulder, and stabbed me with knife numerous times) my mother sat their encouraging him. The police wont do anything about it, since my mother/sisters back my father completly, and being that my father is so well known in the community, and everyone thinks he is so wonderful they just turn their back to the obvious.

I sleep on average of an hour a night, before constant reoccuring nightmares invade my sleep, doctors wont perscribe me sleeping pills, since they see it as endangering my life.

I get constant panic attacks, if I go outside I get flashbacks, or picture random people walking down the street hurting me. If I am in a classroom, store etc I will invision them praying on me. Even if I am with people that I know care about me and would never hurt me I envision hurting me.

I have tried talking with a therapist I went to one session and didnt go back, she told me that being raped by two men and being restrained was my own fault.

I tried talking with a school councilor, where I was told that my problems werent important and the earliest that he would be able to fit me in would be in over a month.

I've run away countless times, all of which my father being tipped off by someone and finding me, or having the police track me down, its gotten to the point where if I so much as open my door someone is on the phone with him telling him my every move. The little bit of money that I did have he stole from me.

I usually write poetry and even that doesnt help anymore, as the days ware on the more morbid they become.

I cant keep going on like this, I dont even care about the things I once cared so greatly for, now I just want the pain to stop..and yet I dont have the sense to just pull the trigger.

well I guess this is all for no, doesnt really seem like this is going anywhere besides pointless rambling. Sorry for this being so long.

"A heart always feels better in the hands of someone who loves it."

Posts: 2 | From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow | Registered: Feb 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1371

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I"m so sorry that you're going through this. Please know that those of us at Scarleteen, who include abuse and rape survivors, do care for you and are here to support you.

I don't know if any of these will help, but I wanted to point you to some of the links in the Crisis Hotline section of the Scarleteen site. Maybe you can find someone to turn to there.

Abuse Resources:

Crisis Articles and ADvice:

Erin, who needs to go now, but wanted to at least say something

Posts: 3077 | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, I couldn't keep going on like that either. Really.

Flatly, I'd be tempted to call the American Psychiatry Association on your former therapist. What she said to you was ridiculous and utterly unethical. I hope that *you* know this wasn't your fault.

Nor is the state you're in now -- anyone would feel like you do.

In all honesty, it sounds to me like you need some serious intervention, which may include potentially getting permanently out of your house in a way that is legal and that is safe for you.

Why don't you toss me and Hanne an email ( if you like where it's a bit more confidential, and let's see if we can't help think up some viable solutions for you, okay?

In the meantime honey, hang in there. I am a rape and abuse survivor myself, and I know what a long, hard road it can be to walk. But it doesn't always have to be.

Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2769

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I just want to offer my support. I haven't been through what you're going through, but I'm sure it's tough, and you're very brave for hanging in there I really hope Mz Scarlet and Hanne can help you get out of the tough situation your in. I hope everything goes well... Take care of yourself, ok? I'll be thinking of you.
Posts: 500 | From: Ohio, U.S.A. | Registered: Feb 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2299

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yes.. i'm thinking about you also. i think you need some serious hugs.. and not from any guys either!
*pulls her close, and rocks her gently, like my mom used to do*
you take care and get the hell outta there k?
i'm worrying about you.

~i never knew u
but your action effected
my life
but who knew what u'd do?
seeing as...
i never knew you

'u wanna get 2 me... u gotta get to you'

Posts: 36 | From: i'll tell you when i get there! ;b | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 1071

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There isn't any sense in commiting suicide.

I can't feel like you, because I haven't been put through the horrible things you have. And you don't deserve these horrible things, and none of them are your fault. That psychiatrist was a horrible woman to even suggest that.

To keep yourself from suicide, get to a counselor fast, one that's not completely brainless. Intervention is all that can help you. If you need to get away from your family (which I strongly suggest you do) commit yourself to a psychiatric center or the hospital. It sounds scary, but it will be a big help.

Good luck, honey, hope be with you.

Give yourself over to absolute pleasure!! With protection, of course.

Posts: 615 | From: New York | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2050

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No one should have to go through what you have just described hon. No one.

And it saddens and angers me that you have been through so much pain.

Besides a bucketload of support, there is little I can offer you but please do contact Miz Scarlet or Hanne and see how they can help you.

You need to get away from your family asap and go to somewhere safe.

And you know what, your therapist and counsellor need to be reported. It sickens me that there are such people around. Telling young girls that it was their fault for being raped.

If you need to talk, I'm always available by email and ICQ. *hugs*

Posts: 2294 | From: Singapore | Registered: Dec 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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