It just seems that no one understands me these days, but yet how can I expect them to understand me, when I dont even understand myself.
I have a past that keeps me in constant fear. I have been raped three times, as a result of the first one I ended up pregnant, and was forced into having an abortion because the baby would have died, along with myself. When my father found out he came pretty close to killing me (he broke me nose, collarbone, dislocated my shoulder, and stabbed me with knife numerous times) my mother sat their encouraging him. The police wont do anything about it, since my mother/sisters back my father completly, and being that my father is so well known in the community, and everyone thinks he is so wonderful they just turn their back to the obvious.
I sleep on average of an hour a night, before constant reoccuring nightmares invade my sleep, doctors wont perscribe me sleeping pills, since they see it as endangering my life.
I get constant panic attacks, if I go outside I get flashbacks, or picture random people walking down the street hurting me. If I am in a classroom, store etc I will invision them praying on me. Even if I am with people that I know care about me and would never hurt me I envision hurting me.
I have tried talking with a therapist I went to one session and didnt go back, she told me that being raped by two men and being restrained was my own fault.
I tried talking with a school councilor, where I was told that my problems werent important and the earliest that he would be able to fit me in would be in over a month.
I've run away countless times, all of which my father being tipped off by someone and finding me, or having the police track me down, its gotten to the point where if I so much as open my door someone is on the phone with him telling him my every move. The little bit of money that I did have he stole from me.
I usually write poetry and even that doesnt help anymore, as the days ware on the more morbid they become.
I cant keep going on like this, I dont even care about the things I once cared so greatly for, now I just want the pain to stop..and yet I dont have the sense to just pull the trigger.
well I guess this is all for no, doesnt really seem like this is going anywhere besides pointless rambling. Sorry for this being so long.
"A heart always feels better in the hands of someone who loves it."