Okie this is a long post ... I have to warn you all right now
After i went for my PAP today (i survived, woohoo), i called my mom to let her know how things went. She said she had been talking to an old friend of the family and she reminded her of something. They were talking about what had happened w/ my ex bf and I after the whole molestation thing, and Elsie (mom's friend) asked if she ever got things sorted out w/ Jim.
Now who's Jim, you ask? I don't know. Apparently he was the superindendant of our appartment building, but i don't remember him at all. Mom asked me, again, if i remembered his name or anything about him, and I said i didn't. This is all relevant ... I promise.
The reason Elsie thought of Jim (when mom told her that i was molested) was b/c when i was 4 yrs old i woke up screaming and crying and telling mom that Jim had touched me and he was looking at me. Does a four year old really know what it is to be molested? Of course parents are usually telling you about "no no spots" as soon as you can walk, but ... Where would i get that from?
There's always the possibility it didn't happen. I was 4 and my sister was still new to the family (she was 2) and maybe i was jealous and wanting attention. Is it possible that i could make this up, or did it really happen? Is there a way to find out?
I'm so confused I'm 110% against hypnosis. I know next to nothing about it and the thought of people digging into my life w/o my knowledge of what i'm saying just freaks me out beyond belief. But i need to know. Mom said that she thought me being molested before warranted maybe a smack in the face, to him ... but not reacting like i did. That's the first time she's said this to me. But it makes sense i guess. Something happening like that in my past that i had burried away would make me react different than someone who hadn't ...
How do i know? I need to find out. I've never been able to fully trust someone, and i found myself doing it again today w/ my own bf It's a terrible feeling and i want to get rid of it ... for good. I see my therapist on Wednesday, but how can i bring this up? I don't even know that it happened, only the thought that it may have happened. I can't shake this feeling ... Mom told me about "Jim" a few years ago but i just let it go. And now i can't. It's been haunting me all day
[This message has been edited by LilBlueSmurf (edited 02-05-2001).]
Oh dearie, can't think of anything to say right now, but wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and trying to come up with some advice....you've been such a strong girl today and now that....not good.
*huggles* and lots of energy for our famous blue philosopher.
Generally Smurf, the jury came in a little while ago on hypnosis and other froms of "finding" repressed memories when it comes to sexual abuse, and the general verdict is that it's just not anything close to reliable.
I hate to be a buzzkill (and believe me when I tell you I understand the situation incredibly well), but it will likely be one of those things you simply may never know the answer to.
The trouble is how memory works, and how reality works with memory. It's possible that at the time, there were any number of reasons you said that or felt that (one of which being that something happened, others of which being that nothing did), but the real question to pose to yourself is this: how would knowing now help you? And given the fact that any "knowing" you could get to via RMT would only be about 1% reliable, would it benefit you, especially if you "remembered" something in that therapy that never occurred?
In general, memory experts make clear that during trauma, we usually remember it. Always. In rare cases, a sort of amnesia occurs during trauma, and in those cases, we will never remember because we never were consciously aware at the time in the first place.
Okie theres still a few things i'm lost on ...
Is a child so young capable of making something like that up? Maybe it really was JUST a dream ... but i'll never know. I can't remember.
I was talking to a friend about this yesterday as well ... and he agrees, hypnosis is a waste of time and could do more harm than good. So i might never know? I just have to deal w/ what could've happened ... or let it go all together? How can you deal w/ something that you don't know what it is you're dealing w/? But not dealing w/ something can only cause problems later, b/c it just won't go away ...
I can tell you why i'm claustrophobic ... i got stuck in an elevator when i was 9 and i've been scared of closed spaces ever since. I don't have any memories of before i went into kindergarden ... not one. So then i was about 4 or 5, and even those memories are weak.
I just don't know what to do Hypnosis is out, i know that. It wasn't really an option in the first place. I'm in therapy and i'm on pills and now i have to deal w/ this sh*t on top of everything else. What MIGHT have happened! Argh ... Sorry ... I guess i'm just venting now
I'm trying to find the right way of saying this so it makes sense.
I wouldn't call a child feeling something happened like thit if it did not "making it up." For starters, when you're pretty new to the world, dreams are as potent a reality as waking consciousness is. Ever see how freaked out a little kid gets by a bad dream compared to an older chil;d or adult? That's because they really don't know or understand that it is any different from something happening while awake. Dreams are very, very real to a child.
And dreams are based on fears (if that's what it was, a dream). This Jim -- you may just not have liked him. he may have been threatening to you, he may have been an agressive person, and so forth.
Usually too, when a child undergoes that sort of trauma, it comes up more than once, and you DON'T forget it.
The real issue is this, though: knowing or not knowing really only does so much. if you DID know for certain (which you really can't, regardless) how would it help here? How would it benefit you? And what could you do with that knowledge? And what ARE you dealing with with this right now anyway? A fear something may have happened, yes?
Honestly, Smurf, if you really feel you HAVE to know, the most reliable thing to do is to find this guy and explain this situation and ask him.
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