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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » my fathers torments make me afraid to have sex

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Author Topic: my fathers torments make me afraid to have sex
junniper
Neophyte
Member # 1960

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my dad tormented me for years saying i was fat and ugly and no guys would ever want to date me. i've lost nearly 100 pounds since then and now guys are asking me out. but i have this horrible fear of being naked in front of them. i keep hearing my fathers words and i can't let go of this fearthat eats at me inside. i've turned down every guy i don't know what to do. it's gotten to the point wear i can't even take my coat of in front of my guy friends!
Posts: 2 | From: ottawa, ontario, canada | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ThisGuy
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Member # 968

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Oh my God! You are so FAT! Someone save me!

Just kidding. Relax. Take a deep breath, and repeat after me: "I like my body. I love my body. My body is fantastic! I will send a $50 cheque or money order to ThisGuy."

Trust me on this one - not every guy is going to look at you and say "ewwww she's gross!".

My fiance is a size 6. She's tiny. She's still obsessed with getting fat. She gets unhappy when she gets "bloated" because she is supposedly fat then. (I can never see the difference.) In my eyes, she always looks perfect - even when she has her amusing bed hair.

I think you need to forget about "fat", and concentrate on just enjoying life. I know obese people who lead full, happy lives, and skinny people who don't. You are not just a bunch of measurements, you are a human being. If I thought you had no intrinsic value whatsoever, I wouldn't so much as waste the smallest comma on you.

Everyone is different. Everyone likes different things. If you're fat or thin, freckled or fair, tall or short, black or green, someone will love to be with you. No one looks "perfect" - as the saying goes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

To be honest, I'd rather date a woman with a brain in her head than one with the "perfect" figure. (Although I got lucky on both counts! )

If you want to date a guy, he doesn't have to see you naked. You can date without having sex, you know?

Now relaaaaaaax - get over this bollocksy idea, and go out there and be the best Canoodlian you can be.

------------------
Armistice, deicide, timbre, ineluctable, salacious.
All these words can be yours! Purchase a Dictionary™ today!


Posts: 915 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Junniper,
Can you accept that the sort of person like your father pprobably would have called you fat, ugly, or whatever else he could whip up REGARDLESS of what you looked like?

I can tell you from experience, he likely would have. I spent much of my adolesence around a very abusive stepparent, and verbal abuse was what was on the menu when there wasn't time for anything else. At 5'2 and 110 - 120 pounds mine said the same things again and again and again. And I wasn't fat, nor was I ugly. Nothing close.

The thing is, a lot of getting over something like this is accepting that it doesn't matter if you lost 100 pounds or not, it really doesn't, because it's about how you feel about you. There are plenty of fat people out there who have partners a'plenty, are drop-dead gorgeous, and feel beautiful (our co-editor here at Scarleteen, Hanne, being a stellar example herself, let me tell you) -- because they are.

You don't have to be naked in front of anyone until it feels right, and in general, having dinner with someone before you even think about getting naked might be a good idea, eh? Start slow. Go on a date and have a nice time. Don't obsess about your body while you're on it -- it's just the package you come in, sugar, and partners or potential partners are interested in what's inside (and if they aren't, they aren't worth having).

You might also want to consider some therapy or counseling. Most abuse survivors (and yes, you have been verbally abused, honey) find that it REALLY helps to heal. I know I did.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lucky1402
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 894

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Wow, what your father said sounds pretty harsh. I'm sure it's not true though- don't let what he said get to you. If you lost 100 pounds, you obviously aren't fat anymore. Plus, the guys that ask you out must obviously like you and not think your fat if they are interested in you. I say, go out with them, and get on with your life without worrying about your weight- not all guy look at someone and pick them apart. be proud of your body, and be happy that you have so many guys interested in you, and I hope you will feel better about yourself.

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*^Lucky^*
"We have to pause and ask ourselves: how much clean air do we need?"~ Lee Iococca
"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as though you'll die today."
"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."


Posts: 492 | From: Michigan | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinK
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1371

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I am fat. I have been fat for most of my life. My doctor has now determined, to the best of her ability, that I most likely have a metabolic disorder combined with a condition called insulin resistance that makes it and will make it incredibly difficult for me to lose weight.

For most of my life, my parents had me on diets and going to exercise programs "for my own good." My father was especially vehement, and he told me repeatedly that "no one wil love you because you're fat. You'll never be able to get married or have children because you're fat." Whenever I would have personal problems, he would suggest that it was connected to my weight. I can remember one time I was having trouble with some friends, and he said "maybe they're repulsed by your size."

At some point, I began to stop listening to him. It got easier when i wasn't living with him anymore. I started listening to the people in my life who were telling me that I was loveable and loved, no matter what, the people who found me beautiful because they loved me, the people who were most beautiful to me because I loved them, too.

And I tried, best as I could, and I'm still trying, to make peace with my body, to love it, to take care of it and to take care of my health. I tried to learn about what made me happy, sexually, and what I didn't like. I tried to be honest and open with my partners about my insecurities, and to let them reassure me when they could. And I made mistakes (and I'm still making them), but somehow I ended up finding peace with my body, love for myself, and several fabulous sweeties who adore me and my body.

So I've been there, and believe me, I would like to pass you a Jumbo Sized Clue Bat to hit your father with. Failing that, what I can tell you is this: he does not own your body, or your soul, or your life. He does not get to decide whether or not you are "attractive" or not. He does not get to decide whether you are worthy of love, or of caring, or of sexual attention. No one does.

You are attractive and worthy and deserving of love and care because you are a human being. Anyone who tells you, or anyone that you are not worth it because of their size or their skin color or anything else, is being cruel and inhuman. Tell yourself this. Believe it. Love yourself first and most and best of all, because then you're attacking the insecurities at their heart.

And as for other people, don't be afraid to tell them "hey, i'm nervous" or "hey, i'm insecure about my body." That's the sort of thing a partner needs to know, so that they can reassure you, so that what you're doing can be good for both of you.

A resource that helped me tremendously was our own sexpert Hanne's book Big Big Love, which has its own website at http://www.bigbiglove.com. You might want to check it out!

Good luck and my very best wishes, and feel free to track me down privately if you'd like to talk about this some more.

erin


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ThisGuy
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teehee!
"Jumbo Sized Clue Bat"?

I'll have to remember that one.

------------------
Armistice, deicide, timbre, ineluctable, salacious.
All these words can be yours! Purchase a Dictionary™ today!


Posts: 915 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Hear, hear.

Erin, you rock.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ErinK
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1371

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Aww, thank you.

Actually, one of my friends made me a neat stick that has the Japanese kanji for 'swift death to idiots" on it. Sometimes I think I should just carry it around with me.

You all can borrow the virtual version.

Erin


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dargon2
Neophyte
Member # 2013

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Erin and Junniper, my dad is a right rocken @**hole, same as yours. I weigh over 300lbs, and not a little bit of that weight was caused by his defamation. But the action I took was a little more dramatic. After I got married (and made him pay for the wedding) I cut off communication with him. I'm currently trying to cut off communication with all nasty people who put me down and say mean hurtful things to me. It's very hard, but it's better than getting kicked in the pants by people who are supposed to love you the most.

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My madness is accentuated by my obsession...so be it.


Posts: 17 | From: Kelowna, BC, Canada | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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