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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Male Victims of Sexual Assault

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Author Topic: Male Victims of Sexual Assault
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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make the invisible visible.

All too often, male victims of sexual assault -- a far larger group than most people suspect -- don't report their assault or even tell anyone about it, for fear of humiliation or disbelief. In general, most male victims are your average Joe, in his late teens or early twenties, and most male victims do know their assailants.

Share your stories here, your own, or that of someone you know. Every victim needs to be believed.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
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Right ... I totally agree.

Obviously, since i'm a girl, this has nothing to do w/ me. But three people have confided in me, telling me of their stories ... only b/c they know i've been through pretty much the same thing. And even tho it seems like there's nothing you can do now by bring it up, there really is TONS you can do ... If you block it out, it can and probably will effect how you view sex in general and members of the opposite sex (if it was a female, that is) Okie so here ... these are just a few examples of what i've heard. And i won't use any names so no one knows really ...

One is my ex bf. He told me after a while that he had been molested by one of his friends ... She came into his room while he was sleeping and touched him. He only told me this, after i told him that the same thing had pretty much happened to me. He didn't want to talk about it, and went as far as *refusing* to tell me anything else but that. I can't say this enough ... to anyone else who as been through that, it's REALLY important that you find someone, one person, to talk to and tell your *whole* story too. Not bits and pieces, all of it. Sometimes finding someone online that you do'nt know works just as well. Maybe it's easier for you to tell people you don't know ... Which is why this thread is an excellent idea!!

Two of my other friends that told me their story were molested and raped. One by their babysitter and sibs friend, and the other by a family friend. Both of these guys haven't talked to anyone else (or very few, i think i'm one of maybe 3 that knows) and they're having big problems now. As much as you think it doesn't effect you, it really does ... Just post your story and get it all out. We're just here to listen and give some advice for coping ...


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Brandy
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I know that Cosmo isn't really a recomeded magazine here, but a couple of months ago, they wrote a story about a guy whose girlfriend was physically and mentally abusive. She would throw anger fits and hit him, either with her body or with objects. The guy admitted that he didn't tell anyone, because he was scared his friends would make fun of him for letting his girlfriend beat on him. He eventually broke up with her, and sought counselling, but he never went to the authorities, because he felt they wouldn't believe him.
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ThisGuy
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Its not just a fear of not being believed. Its also an ego issue.

Most guys, once they hit puberty, tend to see themselves as invulnerable. They're Big Tough Men now.

So being attacked or victimised by someone of a "weaker" gender, or being "gay-ified" (so to speak), is demeaning. If they come forward, no one will believe them, and they will probably be teased. More importantly, if they admit it happened to themselves, they admit to a weakness that should not exist. Men have very fragile egos, in some ways.

Guys are not supposed to admit to weakness. We don't see doctors, we don't get raped. We are invincible supermen, free of the weaknesses that plague women.

Also, who ever heard of a Real Man turning down sex? Guys like sex. Its all we're ever after. I, personally, slept with 15 women last night, and they were all overwhelmed by my magnificent virility. It is impossible that anyone but a "*** " or "poofter" would turn down sex with a female.

Only a "*** " would ever have sex with a male - so therefore, if you were forced or not: "you're now gay, buddy!".

I've never been molested by anyone - male or female - but that's how I see the problem.

Western society has some twisted prejudices when it comes to males and sexuality. Being gay is not wrong, and being raped is not wrong. Raping someone is - the blame lies with the rapist and not the victim.

Rape is not about sexual gratification for the perpetrator, and certainly not for the victim. If it was non-consensual, how can it have a bearing on who you are, or what you like? You didn't ask to have it happen, and it is literally impossible to defend against a determined attacker. The smallest child could easily kill me - a grown man - if he/she was armed.

I see it all this way: you can be "strong", and hide your weaknesses from the world. Or, you can be Strong, and reveal them to someone you trust. Which is the harder thing to do?

Which is the saner thing to do?

------------------
"A woman's body is made up of three parts: her head, her elbows, and some other bits.
Now, class...lets move on to algebra."


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LilBlueSmurf
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Whoa ... !! Excellent post ThisGuy!!

As we, from the outside looking in, can see that the blame lies w/ the attacker and not the victim, we have to remember that they can't see that. I still can't see that and it's been about a yr and a half almost. It takes a long time and someone w/ a good ear to get it all out and in the open ...

The hardest thing to do is trust. When you've been violated like that, the last thing you want to do is open up to someone, knowing you could be hurt worse than you were the first time. I know it's hard, but it's really necessary. I guess this kinda thing is like cough medicine right? Mom always said that the stuff that tastes bad usually works the best ... You're gonna hit some big bumps in the road and it'll make you want to give up, but look back and how far you've come and know that it'll be over soon ... You just have to start the ball rolling by telling ONE person!

~Smurfit


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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ThisGuy, per usual, that was fantastic and very insightful.

Of course, what compounds all of those problems even more is if the abuse happens in childhood, when it can have the most detrimental and deep effects.

And I agree with Smurf, too. It's REALLY hard to tell these stories, and even to say, "I was molested," or "I was raped," regardl;ess of your gender, but from everything I have seen and know, it is even harder for men than it is for women, for a lot of the reasons ThisGuy stated.

There are MASSIVE stigmas often attached, too, to being a sexual abuse victim. I have found in my own life that even saying as much to some people gets you treated differently (as if you were fragile, or someone to be pitied) in a way that is nothing close to therapeutic.


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LilBlueSmurf
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We mostly hear these stories from females, but I DO know we have some males floating around here too ... Care to share your stories w/ us?
Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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