because we've had several posts on this in other forums, and because the last posting on this has become rather outdated.
what are your experiences with cutting? you can use this as a safe space to share them.
personally, I'm going through a tough bit with this right now. I cut for about 5 years, increasingly as the time went on - it would stop for awhile and then I would start up again, usually when I was depressed or in a mixed mood (I've been diagnosed bipolar for two years, and have the bad habit of not taking my meds to avoid side effects).
now that you have the history, my issue is this: I had to buy my insturment of choice, a cheapy snap-off xacto knife, today for an art project. I'd come up to college purposely leaving my blade, and now I have one for another purpose, and I can't stop thinking about using it. I think I'm going to throw it away and use scissors even though they don't work as well...but that's giving up, and I really think that I can get through this and not cut (I haven't cut in about 8 months now).
so I may be posting here just for a bit of support now and then. thanks, guys. again, feel free to share.
Err! Fine I suppose I'll just sum it up here. Background history: when I was in fourth grade I would push earring posts into my wrists. It just felt good. In sixth grade I was trying to open something with scissors, I got angry and the scissors slipped and rammed into my arm. That day on seventh heaven they had a show about cutters, it just seemed destiny. So that's how it all started. Cutting seemed like my solution to everything.
I started off with picnic knives, they're so dull it burns. Then eventually I moved onto safety pins and after that I fashioned a throw-away razor blade to my liking (clipped off the end to expose the blade) and that was my weapon of choice. All this went on until eighth grade when my mom found my blade covered in blood (she goes through my room all the time) and I went to a therapist for like a month and a half and then I refused to anymore.
I hadn't cut since like, last Christmas. I was so happy. Once while I was in Boston I thought my uncle had read my online journal. It was just a computer glitch thing but he's the only person in my family I trusted and living with my mom who follows me when I go out, reads my mail, and goes through my stuff I couldn't deal and did it again.
Then this guy I liked a lot, we were practically giong out, made out with my best friend and taht hurt me so much I did it again.
And just recently..like last week I did it again. Now...I've been fine since then. Except then I hooked up with this guy and jacked him off and he fingered me..the thing is he had a girlfriend and I knew that and she found out and they broke up. I couldn't believe that I had purposely caused someone so much pain, so much unneeded pain. So I carved "die **** up" into my ankles and it's still there. The scab won't come off.
You know what's worse? Today my friend confided in me that he thought I was just doing it for attention. Every one of my friends agree. Yeah, I can't wear sandals or shorts just because I want attention. I'm ******* up my whole life and everything just because I want attention (there will be horirble consequences if my mom finds out I did it again). God it makes me so angry.. the people I trust with my life think I just want attention...Well I'm done now
PS: now it's your turn, whoever you are
PSS: hey we ARE in support groups! whoa...
------------------ I'm the good girl that everyone thinks is a bad girl pretending to be a good girl
[This message has been edited by Pixie69 (edited 17 October 2000).]
I have never been what you could call a cutter, but I am a picker.
I started in my late teens I think. I attacked my legs for ingrown hairs and left lots of scabs and scars. I moved to my bikini line so my father would stop hasseling me. I always pick at my face as well. Right now I have a scab on my chin.
I remember picking as a form of stress relief. It was a nightly ritual. I would take out my supplies and pick away. I felt good during it but them I would look at the blood and the marks I left and be so upset with myself. However, I do feel I have some chemical imbalance because I get a release of endorphins when I pick. I feel almost high when I do it. It is very hard to fight the urge and to get past the desire to do it.
After a great deal of work I have some control over this obsessive-compulsive behavior. I still relasp or do it before I realize what I am doing. My situation has greatly imporved, but I don't know if it is something I will never think about or not be tempted to do.
Alright ... I'll start from the beginning. And hey, lets make this a real support group and say who we are and all that fun stuff ... lol
My name is Hollie and i am (or have been) depressed. I was in the hospital in april w/ clinical depression and later found out that i'm considered obsessive compulsive and that i have anxiety disorder. I was a cutter for about 6 months, and i would use knives or anything i could get my hands on. I only ever cut my wrist, but i never had the intention of cutting myself badly enough to bleed to death. I did try to kill myself once however, last August, by overdosing on painkillers. No one found out about that, which is why i wasn't hospitalized until later the next yr ... Hmm i think that's about it for me i guess. I'm still recovering ... I still want to cut myself sometimes and i'm also a picker i guess (like bettie), i still haven't gotten over that. Anyone who wants to talk or needs help can find me on icq ... I'm always here to listen
Hi just wondering why do you guys do it? is it to show how hurt you r inside ? I have a friend who does it when hes upset or guilty and just wondering why? no offence just curious if you actually know.
Posts: 84 | From: Ireland.uk | Registered: Jul 2000
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Hmm ... for a lot of people it's hard to explain, but in therapy they asked me over and over a billion freaking times and i think i just might know ...
I think the biggest reason i did it, was to stop the hurting from the inside. I would cry for no reason, and have panic attacks (your heart speeds up, your palms get sweaty, you feel like you have to pee even tho you just did 5 secs ago!) and i never knew why. I was lost and confused and i just had no clue what was going on. The worst thing in the world you can feel is that something really bad is happening to you and you're too scared to tell anyone. I would feel like i wanted to die, even though i know that i was supposedly living a very happy life, to the outside world. For the longest time, no one saw anything wrong w/ me. My best friend saw the cuts on my wrist one day and she threatened to go to the guidance dept w/ it, so i told my mom myself, before the school had a chance to. After a while, she really picked up on how bad i was, and i ended up in the hospital. I was scared out of my mind ... Cutting just got out all the emotions that i didn't have the words for
Yeah, what lem said is basically it. Another thing is to punish myself. If my parents were fighting or if I didn't do well in school (and in middle school I didn't do close to as well as I could have) I blamed myself and punished myself for it...by cutting.
------------------ I'm the good girl that everyone thinks is a bad girl pretending to be a good girl :D
Hi. I feel a little weird posting about this, but might as well. I've been cutting for two months. I'm trying to stop(duh). I guess I'm depressed. The school psychologist at my school found out about it(long story) and flipped out. After talking to me for a little while she insisted that I go into therapy twice a week, go into family therapy, and that I go for a psychiatric evaluation-she thinks I should be on anti-depressants. This has all pretty much happened in the past two days. My mind is a big whirl right now. I'm so confused and lost. I tried to kill myself on Monday and I don't know whether or not I'm glad that I failed. Half the time I feel like the scum of the earth, and half the time I'm so out of control giddy that I can't contain myself. But I'm never really happy. Life sucks, whatever.
quote:Originally posted by moonbeam: is it to show how hurt you r inside ?
it has absolutely nothing to do with show. the way i usually explain it to people is like this:
u want to know that your pain is justified. u feel rage/hopless/etc. and u want to know that it is real. when u bleed, u can see that your pain is real and you can see the rage dripping off of your wrist, the hoplessness proving that you are in control of your body. all you want to do is get it out. when you see the blood, if begins to feel better. "you bleed just to know ure alive" (iris-goo goo dolls).
my story begins very young. i was about seven when i first started hurting myself. i would plan elabourate romances of braking my ankle or snaping my back. i would never go through with these things, i was scared. i would however shove needles through my fingers, razors across my shins and glass into my feet.
the habbit really began to worsen when i was in sixth grade. one of my friends decided that in order to prove that i was worthy of his friendship, i would have to prove that i wasnt a wimp. "easy" i thought. all he wanted was for me to scrape my nail on my hand until it bled to his satisfaction. he never said stop, so i kept going. i earned his respect. --edited--
i havent cut for about 5 months now. ive been tempted, buh i have no where on my body to do so because my bf worries and "searches" for the marks. my last cut was razor, i took 23 slashes at my forearm to get it out and also popped a few pills. i found early on that the sooner u pop a couple pills, the sooner the pain is gone. herbals work wonders once the adrenaline is pumping.
dont take my advice above, take this. cutting is the hardest thing to hide, the hardest thing to start and the hardest thing to quit. once a cutter always a cutter wheather your blade is in practice or not. wait out the rage/hoplessness/etc. and get someone to be with you when ure in the state of mind. do your best to avoid.
this is my story. quite long i know.
------------------ reality is an illusion
Note from the Smurf: I, personally, found this very upsetting. I suggest you get some professional help. And in the future, refrain from using such graphic examples. Thank you.
[This message has been edited by LilBlueSmurf (edited 06-23-2001).]
i like to bleed. if i get a gash or cut or scrape or bug bite...it re open it and re open it and reopen it...in am covered in scars. i dont think this counts though. poetnygirl, i can honestly say you are my favorite poster. you are funny and intelligent. please, dont ever try to kill yourself again. if you ever need anyone to talk to you one on one my e-mail is --edited--....i know it isn't much but i am here to talk to.
Please don't leave your email addys in your posts. It's for your own safety and you agreed to this when you signed up. Please review the guidlines
[This message has been edited by LilBlueSmurf (edited 06-24-2001).]
Bettie, I totally understand about the picking thing. It started in 6th grade with me. I didn't have bad skin or anything. In fact it was pretty flawless...when i got a cold sore. It stung so bad to touch but I kept touching it and touching it. I had no idea what made me do it. Then I moved to my nose, with the none forcepped end of a pair of tweezers--squuezing my pores. Then from my nose to my forehead it moved. I began mutilating my face to the point where my skin would be blood red and raw. I would look like a china doll in school the next day because of all the cover up i wore. It was ridiculous. This past year I have been able to go long periods of time without picking--I'm really working on my self discipline. But lately I have started up again. I feel as though it is an outlet for stress, anxiety, and such. I know I shouldn't do it, I love my skin. Anyway, I totally forgot where I was going with this...sorry, I hope my stry helped in some way...geesh I can't believe I just told all of you this...hmm...I hope that's a good sign...anyway beddy byes for me c ya Posts: 37 | Registered: Jun 2001
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That's very sweet Panda. I actually did try to kill myself again four days after I made that post and came a lot closer to succeeding. I'm really happy now that I was saved and didn't die. I was still really depressed off and on for a long time after that, but I've been really happy for about two months, and I haven't cut in almost three months .
I'm a picker. The worst thing I pick is my bottom lip. I'm constantly reaching up to find loose skin. It was harder to do when I got my nails done, which I miss! I also pick around my fingernails and zits and anything really. It's just a nervous habit because I'm such a worry wart. I want my fake nails back!
------------------ I know the pieces fit because I watched them fall away Mildewed and smoldering; fundamental differing.
you wanna hear some funny stuff? ive been going to a SM ( self mutalation )annonymous class.
hi, my name is luciana and i am a recovering self mutalator.
its been helping a lot. ive stopped, but still, every blue moon i get so very very very upset at myself.
look for classes like mine!! its outta my hospital, or look to open one in your community. you would never guess how many different kinds of people cut. you make frineds, and it makes you feel really really good.
Hello, my name is Sarah, I am a self mutalator. I started when I was 12, I was molested for the 3 years pervious by a teacher. Cutting was a plea for help in the begining, because maybe someone would notice. then through the years I would quit and begin again when life got crappy. It became a way to release, because as long as I hurt physically, I could ignore the hurting mentally, because physical pain is real and easier to deal with. Then I would be lonely, and wonder if people cared, so I would would cut and wonder if they noticed. Then it was a habit. I didn't want to any more. But I couldn't stop, I would get really sad and I would leave. It sounds rather batty, but I would leave my body, because there was to much for me to deal with, and I would watch myself cut and I didn't have the strength anymore to stop it, so I would watch, and bleed, and hope that no body noticed. It was the easy way out, it was giving up for me, I couldn't deal with dealing anymore so I left and my body cut and I let it. And people noticed, they always noticed, because I really, really wanted them to, I didn't want to cut anymore, I just couldn't stop.
I survive with unipolar depression, notice I didn't say suffer, because that implies giving in to it. I wish I were bi-polar, because at least sometimes you're happy then. Uni polar lows are just as low but the highs only get to mediocer. I can't get happy, I am pysically incapable of it. What somebody said about cutting being the hardest thing to start, do, and stop is true.
I haven't cut for 10 months, and I'm so proud. I have good friends, we kind of came together because we all have done it. My friends are supportive, I finally this past year have gotten to the point where they don't check my hands and wrists and legs for marks. When they did I resented it, but now I realize that when I hurt myself I hurt them. It took me until September last year to realize it. That people loved me.
My mother put me in therapy last August because I was out of control, it was my last chance before I was medicated. It took me months to even tell me group that I was a cutter. And they cared. I had all these people that CARED. I just couldn't hurt them that much anymore.
Now I hit a low, and I think about all of the people I've hurt, and how they had always cared about me, unconditionally, and how hurt they looked when I did, it keeps me straight now. I cry a lot, but I don't hurt myself anymore.
I know that was very long winded, but I had to get out all aspects of it.
------------------ ~*~Sarah~*~ Take my hand and we can fly higher than the stars.
Posts: 27 | From: Asheville, NC - Freak Capitol of the US and proud of it | Registered: Jun 2001
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Oh my goodness!! Thank you! I have been picking for 12 years now. I can't stop no matter what, but I just thought it was because I was wierd....my mom was a compulsive picker and when we were young she would pin us down and do the same to our skin, and now I can't stop doing it to myself...could someone who struggles with this give me some info eiyther from the net or whatever about this and how I can learn to stop? this has been a huge eye-opener, I totally thought I was the only one on the planet with this prob!
Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2001
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i noticed that when i cut i like to pour alcohol in the open wound because it burns a lot. i dont know why but i love to feel the burning that comes with the alcohol in the wound. kinds like salt n an open wound. it doesnt hurt it just stings and to me it actually feels better.
Posts: 365 | From: dayton,ohio,u.s.a. | Registered: Oct 2000
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quote:Originally posted by moonbeam: Hi just wondering why do you guys do it? is it to show how hurt you r inside ? I have a friend who does it when hes upset or guilty and just wondering why? no offence just curious if you actually know.
i don't know why i do it. i don't do it for attention because no one knows. i do it because it makes me feel better. i always blame myself for things and maybe thats one reason. i like the scars. i feel, in a strange way, accomplished after i do cut. just a few reasons i think i do it.
I have cut myself for about 5 months. I use razors, knives and anything else i can get my hands on. I make myself sick evryday too. my family don't know about it, if they found out about it without me telling them in my own time, i don't know if i could cope. some people do know, my friends, who i can talk to about it, but i still feel so alone in the way that i feel. i feel angry at evryone, but most of all, i'm angry at me, i don't like myself, because i'm me. I do it because i hate me so much. i'm worthless as a person-no good at anything. My parents have always had my sister as favourite, i'm a dissapointment to them. I've shut them out completely now, if they found out, they wouldn't b that bothered. The hate that they feel for me, i now feel towards myself, if that makes any sense at all. I have tried to cut my wrists, but not with the intention of killing my self. I feel so much better when i see the blood. i deserve all the pain that i put myself through. The first time that i did it, i was experimenting, now i'm addicted to it, it do itr everyday, i don't want to carry on like this, but i have no choice, theres no other way i can carry on. I don't know what to do
Posts: 3 | Registered: Apr 2001
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I think you know what needs to be done, but like most of us at one point or another, either don't have the strength to do it alone or are still in denial.
You need professional help. It's not okay to harm yourself ... By cutting yourself or making yourself vomit. Both can be linked to depression and you need to seek help. The sooner you do, the easier it will be on you when you're trying to get better.
You remind me a lot of myself about a year ago ... !! My story is in the crisis section of scarleteen, if you want to read it.
Hi, this is really wierd to talk about this. I've been a cutter now for 6 years. I started in 8th grade. I had no friends at the time and was really struggling with being teased and feeling so alone. I started with putting staples in my fingers. THen Freshman year, I used keys. I was at camp once and did it and when my parents asked me about it, I told them that I ran into a tree. I also used pins and sewing needles. Then things got good for about 3 1/2 years and I stopped. Then again I found myself alone, without close friends again and dealing with highschool ending and going away and dealing with my mother and my ex turned bf again, and I started cutting myself again. Only I would use a razor blade from a disposible razor. I cried the entire day after I did it the first time with the blade, but I couldn't explain why because I felt so ashamed. I've never been to a therapist. I know I have problems, but I want to deal with them myself first. I don't drink because of this because I think that being a cutter would make me more likely to be an alcoholic. I see cutting as being like alcohol, it works as a way to wipe away the emotional pain, and feel good. I do it because I can't deal with feeling so low and it makes me happy, strange I know. BUt it isn't a good thing, and it shows that I have problems and I need to stop it and start being happier.
Posts: 3 | From: California, USA | Registered: Jul 2001
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This is the only good info I could find, but I will keep looking.
I'm a skin picker, too. I have a little mirror on the edge of the sink in the bathroom that I set up so that I could pick my skin when I'm on the toilet. I'll just sit there and for up to ten minutes pick at my skin. I do it probably 3 or 4 times a day... I just HAVE to pop every blackhead, dig out any puss, and pop every pimple. And once I've popped it, I can't stop picking at it and creating a scab. I love it when i'm doing it, but I don't like what it does to my skin. And I didn't even think of it as a problem until I read Beppie's post. It was just... Something I did.
So I'm going to try to stop picking so much. It won't be easy, but I'll give it a shot.
------------------ Don't mess with Texas
[Edited so as to get rid of the horozontal scroll that the URL was causing. It's still there, but now it's nice and streamlined. -- Dude]
[This message has been edited by Dude_who_writes (edited 12-26-2002).]
I'm not a cutter or a picker...but I have hit myself and scratched, just on my legs. Well, once I hit my head on my shower wall, but not enough to actually hurt. I didn't start until about a month ago, but a few days ago, I started wanting to stop. And I did. But I didn't realize how much I...I don't know. Enjoyed it? That's not exactly right, but after having done it, I would feel so much calmer. It's kind of like alcoholism in that I'll sit and fantacize about scratching myself, or banging my head on a wall. I did try cutting a couple of times, but fortunately the blade on my old pocketknife was too dull to break the skin without having to saw for five minutes, and by then, I kind of figured out what I was doing and stopped, thank God. My best friend hid my knives from me. She and my bf are the only people who know. I'm scared that I'm going to break down and do it, because once I've done it again, I feel like it'll be easier to do it after that. I don't know. I'm definitely going to be frequenting this area of the site more, though.
Posts: 12 | From: Tennessee | Registered: Jun 2001
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I used to be a cutter when I was younger, all the way from 6th grade up to 8th grade. I don't know why I started doing it, probably because during that time in my life I was seriously depressed and needed to be put on medication, but I never was because I never admitted that I had a problem, I always denied it to myself and to others. In a way when I used to cut myself I felt like I deserved to be punished in some way, like it way my fault even though it really wasn't. Some people ask why do you do it and does it hurt? Well sometimes an individual is so hurt whether that be emotionally or mentally that when you do cut yourself you can't even feel it because the pain you feel inside is far greater than the pain outside. When I used to cut myself the blood that poured from my wounds represented my tears, and I know how sick and twisted that might sound to somebody who has never gone through the same thing. I haven't cut myself in 3 years and I thought that I was cured from self-mutilation until I cut myself yesterday. Someone who is into self-mutilation might think they're cured if they've have'nt cut themselves in weeks, months, or years, but someone who does mutilate themselves is never fully cured and sometimes that individual will go into relapses. I have finally admitted that I have a problem to a really good friend of mine and I've discovered that he is a recovering cutter and he is helping me deal with my problem. If you're a cutter you need to tell someone because if you ignore the situation the only thing that'll happen is it'll get worse. The first step and also the hardest step is admitting that you have a problem and want help.
Posts: 19 | From: Somewhere in the USA | Registered: Apr 2001
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I first posted in "Alternative Sexuality" about my cutting because I have a theory about it being related to my sadomasochism. I thought for my first post here I'd share something I wrote to a friend of mine just after the first time I cut myself.
"I've been marking my left arm, cutting scratches in it with a knife. I wanted to break through the skin, but the knife wasn't sharp enough. This wasn't because I wanted to die. This didn't have to do with my plans for possible suicide. I was doing this because it felt good. Not the pain, or the feeling of the scratches. It was the feeling of knowing I could mark my own body. It showed I had control over something. I could do with it what I wished. As out of control as my life was, I still could choose to damage my own body however I wished. I had been thinking about doing this for months. I knew somehow it would make me feel better. Psychiatrists would say this had to do with an anger towards myself. I'm not angry at myself. I just yearn for control over something. The best feeling of all was when I moved into better light, and I was able to see my handywork. I felt proud of myself. It was a comfort. I think I might do it again sometime. With a sharper knife, if I can stand the pain. Two dozen and some odd number of little red marks. My friends."
Since then, I've done it several times more, each time getting more severe. This last time (just yesterday) drew blood. I still can't believe how far I went; the underside of my arm is covered in dark red cuts. It looks even worse today then it did yesterday. I laugh everytime I look at my arm (mostly out of disbelief).
I was in such a good mood yesterday morning after I did it. Ironic, really, because I felt like crap beforehand. I hope no one sees the marks and asks questions. I don't feel like explaining. I think I'll just respond "Rabid badger attack." and walk away.
------------------ "This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time."
DigitalSky, you sound like a smart fellow. Smart enough to know that while having control over some part of your life is a great idea (heck, it's really important!), maybe hurting yourself isn't such a good way to get that control.
Your letter was very moving. Honestly, though, it didn't sound much like you want to stop. Do you? If so, do you have an adult you could trust to help you? A counselor, a parent, a teacher, a doctor? Somebody who can help you find control in other areas, so maybe you don't need to find that control by hurting yourself?
Well to tell you the truth, Lady Moonlight, your oversimplification of solving my many emotional problems borders on insulting. Don't feel bad, however. You're certainly not the first person to make that mistake, and I don't blame you. It's been my experience that people often see deep emotional problems as much easier to fix and deal with then they actually are.
Anyway, I've been seeing a psychiatrist for over six years now. I'm on a large amount of medication, and for the most part, I do have things under control. Sometimes though, things will get rough (emotionally) and I will need to "vent". Cutting lets me do that. It does more then that, actually. Quite frankly, it puts me in a pretty good mood!
I'm not too concerned about it. It's not causing me any significant or permanent damage, and it's a HELL of a lot better for my emotionally stability then any other method of "venting" I've tried (believe me, I've tried em all).
Hopefully one day I'll be able to find a cute little masochist girlfriend to spank the hell out of whenever I'm feeling that way (the urge comes from wanting to hurt something), but until then I have my left arm. Oh well.
------------------ "This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time."
I'm sorry you felt insulted; I certainly did not mean to do so. You yourself indicated that you injure yourself in order to gain a sense of control. To may quote your previous post:
quote: I'm not angry at myself. I just yearn for control over something. The best feeling of all was when I moved into better light, and I was able to see my handywork. I felt proud of myself. It was a comfort.
I will honestly admit that at an emotional level I don't understand the mindset behind self-injury, although I do understand the theories. I personally never had the desire to injure myself.
I'm glad you're seeing a psychiatrist to help deal with your problems. I'm quite aware that emotional problems can take years, even decades to deal with. Honestly, though, I'm not sure why you're writing here. Do you just need an outlet? Well, okay. Do you want validation that causing yourself harm is okay, or even good? I, for one, refuse to provide that.
As for your interest in BDSM, there are some excellent books on the subject, if you haven't already found them. Jay Wiseman is an author that comes to mind.
Taking out your anger, for whatever reason, on someone else is not the way to go about it. Ever. BDSM is supposed to be enjoyable for all members ... If you're getting all worked up about it and angry, for whatever reason, it's just not healthy. For either of you.
There are other ways of "hurting" yourself in a good way ... Sort of. I used to want to cut too, and i would just go for a run for about an hour. Then i'm just so tired that i'll have a shower and go to bed. Things are better in the morning about 95% of the time. This mainly helped me b/c i've just put all my negative energy into running ... I was sooooo angry/pissed off/upset/hurt that i just had to 'blow off steam'. Maybe you should try some other sort of physical activity that will give you the same "high" as cutting will.
I have been cutting since last year, no one knows about it. I don't know why I do it sometimes, I'll be happy one minute and the next I get the urge to hurt myself...
Posts: 4 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Aug 2001
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You misunderstood me, LilBlueSmurf. Actually, you understood what I wrote perfectly, I just didn't really write it correctly because it's such a hard thing to explain. My bad.
Yes, BDSM is supposed to be enjoyable to both parties. I personally get no joy whatsoever from harming an unwilling or unhappy partner. Part of the turn-on I think is the fact that they enjoy it.
What I was attempting to explain was that the causing of physical pain in another is an anger release for me. It's not me carelessly wailing away on a poor person to make myself feel better, it's very different then that. It's hard to explain. It just makes me feel better. The very best part is comforting them afterwards.
You know what? I shouldn't use the word "anger". That's the wrong word. It's not anger that I have a problem with. Forget I ever said anger. It's FRUSTRATION. And that to me is completely different. Frustration to me means feeling helpless. That's what I have a problem with. Playing the dominant side that has control of things is basically healing. S&M is not just a sexual thing for me. It's very, very emotional.
I'm really the opposite of what you picture when you think of someone with that sort of problem. I'm extremely easy-going. I don't get angry easily, and when I do it passes quickly. I'm not at all a dominant or controlling person in real life. I'm quiet, somewhat shy, and not a leader-type.
Inside, though, is the desire to be in a relationship with someone I can have control over. Not in a I'm-gonna-be-selfish-and-not-care-about-your-needs sort of way. Just the opposite, in fact. I want to CARE for someone, and provide support for them, and keep them happy.
I thank you for sharing your opinion LilBlueSmurf, but I don't require anybody to tell me what's wrong or unhealthy in a relationship. I have quite a developed system of ethics and morals, and the fact is, I agree that taking your anger out on someone is not something you should do (nor is it something I want or plan to do). It's my fault for not explaining myself better.
In response to Lady Moonlight's post, I request and expect no validation. I'm quite aware that my method of emotionally venting is not a good one. However, it's all I have that works for me at the present time. I have tried virtually any way you can think of to relieve myself of anxiety and frustration (including exercise, LilBlueSmurf), but cutting is the only truly effective method. I wish you could know just how helpful it is for me. To be completely honest, I see NOT cutting as more destructive then choosing to cut. Besides, it's not really a common occurance. Once every few months, max.
And yes, posting about it (with the hopes of finding someone who can relate and understand) is an outlet for me.
------------------ "This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time."
Ok, why aren't there any "support group" things on here for eating disorders. these people need just as much help and just as much advice as those of you into self mutilation.....? If anyone out there can talk about this~ please post back~
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