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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » I loved him, he killed himself.

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Author Topic: I loved him, he killed himself.
HoneyDgirl
Neophyte
Member # 1222

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I posted a message on the relationships board about this, but this forum seems like the right place to talk about it. I worked with a guy who was older than me, and wanted a relationship. Well, I told him that I didn't want a relationship b/c of alot of things. The age, that he had a g/f, etc. And he seemed fine with it. Well one day I got to work and found a letter in my locker from him, and it told me how much he loved me and that nothing was my fault and that he loved me with all his heart and he would always watch over me. And I was confused and went to my boss and asked him if he knew what was up, I thought maybe he got fired, and my boss told me that Randy (That's his name) had killed himself the night before. I was in shock. Looking at the letter, I saw it was dated the day before. He had written it a few mere hours before he died. Everyone has told me it's not my fault, but I do feel guilty. He even told me in the letter it wasn't. I didn't know what to do. I had feelings for him, he knew I did, and then all of a sudden he was gone. I went to the wake and funeral. I know his family well. at first everything reminded me of him, everything still does. It's been a few days since it all happened, and I still cry. I'm in therapy and its not helping very much. No matter what I do, I can't stop needing him. I miss him so much. What should I do?

------------------
*~*~*Kelli*~*~*

You never know what you have until you loose it~

If you only love me in my dreams, let me sleep forever!

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.

The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.

It's no suprise I will wait for you. For no one but you.

I ran up the doors and closed the stairs;
Said my pajamas and put on my prayers;
Turned of the bed and jumped in the light;
All because you kissed me goodnight.


Posts: 15 | From: Ohio | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Honey, I really need to be blunt. I know that you are dealing with some grief, but I feel very deeply concerned about your approach to reality right now. It worries me FAR more than grieving for an acquaintance who has suicided.

Can you please look at your original post about this person? I'll put it right here, and I am well aware it may make you angry, but I don't necessarily think that is a bad thing for you right now.

Here it is: "I work with a guy who is older than me by 5 years. I'm 16 and he's 21. And he has a g/f and I did have a boyfriend. Anways, we always flirt and work, and he's always telling me that one day he is gonna take me out and get me drunk, etc. And I always tell him I will and that stuff. But, I do like him. And I think he might like me. I live in Ohio, so I don't know what the age laws are on relationships. He's having a party soon and he told me straight off he wants me to stay the night. I want to, I'm willing to! That's the thing.....should I? He's throwing the party while his girlfriend is out of town so I doubt I'll be on the couch if you get my drift. I know that I wouldn't have to be drunk to do something with him. Because I'm seriously phisicaly attracted to him. But I don't think I have emotional attachment to him at all. But I'm kinda worried if I do sleep with him then I end up falling for him, etc. What should i do? . So Please post your opinion!!!! Thanx!"

And another response from you on this...
"But my whole life I've been the good girl that has never been bad. And all of a sudden, I'm being noticed, not just by him, AND I LIKE IT. So yeah, some people view sex as an intimate act between people that love eachother, and it can be that, but it can also be just pure fun!"

Listen, sweetie. Sometimes, when someone dies, especially by suicide, we feel things for them we did not feel when they were alive. That's normal. It's called regret, and it hurts, but you know, it's okay.

I remember that when my boyfriend died in high school, I was really hurt and confused at his wake because so many people came weeping over him who either never even knew him, or who had no interest in him whatsoever when he was alive. Death -- no matter what our relationship to the person who died -- often brings about a lot of very deep and confusing feelings.

However, it's important not to mistake regret or fantasy for reality. He had a girlfriend, honey, and she wasn't you. He didn't want a relationship, he wanted to use you as a temporary (and maninly sexual) escape from reality, and when he couldn't escape with you, he escaped by taking his life, which he would have done eventually whether you had casual sex with him or not. He isn't unusual in that regard, it is very typical and common behaviour for people who are suicidal.

Not only isn't this your fault, it had nothing to do with you. At all. I'd in fact be willing to bet you weren't the only escapr route he looked at. I suspect the truth is that you would rather it had had something to do with you, and again, that's normal and it's okay. And because it didn't involve you directly doesn't mean you hurt any less.

But what isn't okay is to lapse on your grip with the reality of this situation, which is what I suspect is really holding you back here, not him, and not his death either. I'd be willing to bet if your therapist has the whole story we do, he or she has said the same thing.

You're allowed to grieve, you know, even if you weren't his girlfriend, or even his close friend. It's a very strange and intense feeling the first time someone near our peer group dies.

But do yourself a favor and take a few steps back away from what could have been, might have been, or what you would rather it have been, and look at what it really was, and how you feel about what it really was. Otherwise, you're likely to end up extremely messed up yourself, and no one wants that to happen. What you;re doing with this now not only is only making you feel worse, it's creating crises that just don't need to exist, and that you don't need.

Again, this may make you angry with me, and if it does, I'm sorry, but if it helps snap you out of this, it's okay to be angry at me. What isn't okay is for you to create a big drama that isn't there when you are trying to heal from something. Just because it wasn't Romeo and Juliet revisited doesn't mean you can't be upset.

If you stop justifying this with imagined realities, you getting over this is going to be a lot easier, and you're going to be a lot healthier as a result. If things like suicide teach us nothing else, it is that it is very dangerous to forget the real value of our lives and replace that with a very skewed version of reality.

I hope this helps, and I really hope you think about this.

I also have to say that pending this post, I am not personally comfortable addressing this issue in the way you are coming to it anymore, because I just cannot let myself enable any of the posters here to do things to themselves which are destructive, which is what this is becoming.

[This message has been edited by Miz Scarlet (edited 13 October 2000).]


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LilBlueSmurf
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1207

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HoneyD ... sweetie, i know this is hard, but you will get through it alright? Take everyday as it comes. Say this w/ me alright? "Accept the things you cannot change, change the things you can, and have the wisdom to know the difference" Know where that is from? NA meetings. No, i'm not a substance abuser and i never was, but i used to go to meetings w/ my uncle and my moms bf, and they used to say that at the beginning and end of every meeting. I still remember it, and they even said that to me when i was in the hospital (i was suicidal too) ... It makes sense. Can you change the situation right now? You can't, so you have to learn to deal w/ it. You realize you have a problem and you're in therapy, and that's a really good start!!

However, i do agree w/ Mz S. If i were you, i'd be pretty darn pissed at her too, but since i'm on the other side, i can see she's right. It's really hard to see things when you're too close to the situation ... When you get "over the hill" (or problem) you'll know that what she is telling you is right. Death of someone close to you brings out feelings that you never felt before, because you didn't have any reason to feel them. My grampa died in January, and i actually thought of dying w/ him ... I couldn't stand him. Why would i want to die w/ him? Weird huh? I know.

I know you're in therapy and all, but it also helps if you write your feelings down. Get a little notebook, a pen, and about half an hr each nite to write down everything that is going on in your mind, and you're own analisise of why you feel that way. Doctors can tell you why you feel a certain way, but you have to believe it. And it helps if you actually know what's going on in your own head so they do'nt have to try and figure that out too. I read some of your other posts about this too ... You sound like you could be going down the same road he went down. Do you *really* want that? I don't think you do. Just because one person close to you dies, doesn't mean life won't go on ... It will, honest. I know it's hard to see now, but don't stop looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. It's there, open your eyes sweetie ...

Feel free to email me or find me on icq if you need to talk


Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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