My parents are in the middle of a divorce after 17 yrs of marriage. My dad is a drug abuser and has done it all his life. He's never hurt me or my 2 brothers, he rarely raises his voice, he's a wonderful man, he just has a problem. But he was also never there for me and my brothers. He was too busy doing "other" things. My mother told me my big brother and I would stand infont of the window and tell my mom that "daddy's doing pot with his friends". My mom got sick of it and has asked him many times to please stop the drugs but he won't and he's just lied about it. So early this summer she told me they were divorcing, I was the FIRST to know, even before my father. It didn't really come as a shock to me. I was still upset by it and all these bad memories about my childhood started surfacing. Most of them were related to dad's drug abuse, drinking, and never being there for me. The one that occured the most was how every year, the week of my birthday he'd leave for a golf trip with his buddies. He missed celebrating about 10 of my birthdays. With all these memories I started crying myself to sleep and cutting my wrists at night, I feel like it makes the pain go away, it helps me to sleep. I've only told my boyfriend about the cutting, he's been my strength through this whole thing, and hasn't ran away. I still cry myself to sleep at night, I can't help it. I just think of everything and the tears never cease to come. The cutting has somewhat stopped with the help of my boyfriend. But sometimes if it hurts bad enough inside, I reach for that blade, it's still my "relief" for the pain...... Love Always, ~Terra DeLynn~ Please share you stories with me!! Maybe in this whole mess, we can all help eachother......
Posts: 6 | From: Potterville, MIchigan, USA | Registered: Oct 2000
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I totally understand where you're coming from
Since you asked for people to share their stories, i will (only cuz you asked nicely tho, that's a joke, laff hehe)
When i was 5, my parents split up. Since i was only little, i got used to living w/ my mom and her bf very easily. I did miss my dad a lot tho (i live w/ him now btw), but i still got to see him. It's very hard trying to explain to a 5 yr old why Daddy has to leave, and why you (i'm putting myself in moms shoes) want him to leave or think he should. I ended up in therapy because of it. Little kids just do'nt understand anything, and even tho they do'nt know much, they know that crying making a big fuss over it isn't going to change anything. It won't get mommy and daddy back together and things just wont be the same ...
You really do have an advantage here ... You're older. You might even know what it's like to have a relationship go bad, and have to end things, even tho you really don't want to. You also get to choose who you want to live w/, right from the getgo. I didn't, but since most kids end up w/ their mothers (unless they're deemed unfit), that's where i was. Also keep in mind that you do have a sibling ... That really helps, because you two can keep each other "above water" since you both know exactly what each other is going through.
I'm also an ex cutter. Do you know how good that feels to say it ... EX cutter. I do'nt do that anymore because i don't feel that i need to. I think it would be a good idea for you to find someone to talk to. Your boyfriend sounds really sweet, but do you ever feel that there are some things you can't tell him? Even just a little? Those things should be going somewhere else ... in a journal, to a therapist, or hey grab yourself a teddybear or the cat/dog and just start talking. It's ok to cry, remember that.
Honey, it honestly doesn't sound to me like what is upsetting you is the divorce -- it's the realization that your dad, even though you love him and he loves you, is not a very good dad in a lot of ways. That's sad, and painful, and it will take some time to get used to and to deal with in your head.
I highly recommend a group called Alateen -- it is for the children (mostly teens and young adults) of alcoholic/drug addicted parents. You might be surprised by how many other kids deal with exactly the same kinds of issues you are dealing with right now, and you might be surprised how helpful it can be to go and talk with them about it.
My parents have both been divorced and remarried several times. The one thing I learned from going through my parents' divorces is this:
Divorce is not about you. How the adults in your life settle their relationship problems is really their issue, and their problem to deal with. It leaves the kids (you, me) with the problem of figuring out how to continue to have a relationship with their parents/stepparents when those parents/stepparents are no longer together... and you are actually kind of lucky in that regard, because you are old enough to make decisions about seeing your dad and mom that you can put into effect yourself (you're old enough to drive, take the bus by yourself, etc.). It also leaves you with the problem of figuring out how to deal with whatever ways the problems that caused the divorce might've influenced your life.
But a divorce between parents is a divorce between parents, not a divorce between your parents and you. YOU get to decide, particularly at your age, what kind of relationship you want to try to have with your parents. You also have to swallow the pill that you have a father who may simply not be capable -- as long as he is using drugs and alcohol at the very least -- of having the kind of relationship with you that you might want. He may not be able to have the kind of relationship with you that *he* might want. That's because his primary relationship is not with people, but with substances.
That sucks, believe me, I know (having divorced a substance-abusing spouse of my own because he was not capable of being in a healthy relationship with me). But it is not your fault, and it is not your responsibility. You can still love your dad. He can still love you. You can still spend time together. But you sound like you are realizing that he is not capable, and hasn't been for a long time, of being the kind of dad you want to have. That's going to take some grieving and some time to get over, because that really hurts to figure out.
You might want to talk with your mom about this stuff. It sounds like she is pretty open with you, and I am pretty sure she would understand how it feels to love someone -- your dad -- who simply isn't capable of being the kind of partner, father, co-parent, etc. that we would like him to be able to be. Hopefully it'll make it a little easier to talk about and understand, and a little easier to share the grief and the feelings of loss.
Sometimes when people cut themselves, ya know, it's because the pain they feel seems inexpressible, like you can't find the right words or the right name for it. A cut is a lot easier to find than a feeling or a grief. It's okay to go into feeling that grief, and feeling that loss. It's even okay to get angry as well as sad, frustrated as well as anguished. Thinking about the feelings, and trying hard to figure out what those feelings are and where they come from, is better for you than cutting yourself (you know that). It also helps you heal, not just the feelings and the sadness, but from the feeling that you want to cut yourself.
Think about Alateen. Talk to your mom. Think about finding a counselor to talk to, too. Keep a journal. All of these things help a lot.
My parents are not divorced, but my dad is the same way. He smokes pot, and he knows I am aware of it. One time I confronted him about it and he stopped for about a month. I think he suspected that I figured he had stopped completely. My dad is a good father. He supports me, and is everything a good father should be, except for the fact that he does drugs. I can hardly express how much it upsets me, but I am sooo embarassed to talk about it with anyone. There are millions of kids in my school who smoke pot [and are ok] it just makes me so sad because he's my dad, not a kid!!
Posts: 543 | From: NY | Registered: Sep 2000
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Okay, I haven't told anyone this, not even my best friend. Okay, as I said before, my parents are split up. For as long as I can remember, they always used to fight. I hated it so much and I often would lay in bed at night crying because of all the fighting. Last April, my dad moved out. I was sooo upset and I would not accept that they were split up. I was soo mad and embarassed that their marriage was **** . I didn't tell anyone that my parents split up. It took 2 months for my best friend to find out, she heard from the neighbours. I didn't tell her or anyone because it made me so upset and I didn't want to cry infront of anyone. So anways, my dad moved across town, and I hardly ever went to see him because I didn't like seeing him by himself, in a little cottage thingy and because he got angry easy and would raise his voice. When my parents said they were splitting up, it was supposed to be for the better and things were supposed to get better. Well, they didn't. My dad is an alcoholic (I just learned to accept that fact about 3 weeks ago) and he lost his lisence and his job. I was so upset because we have a huge house that is for sale, and he is living there... how is he supposed to keep paying for it until it sells if he doesn't have any income? I worry about that a lot. The thing that really pisses me off is that he didn't tell us (My mom, sister or I) that he lost his lisence and job. My mom, oneday called his work to talk to him about something and his boss told my mom that he was fired 2 weeks earlier. My mom was pissed off about that and so was I. I cried for such a looong time. When I found out, I was very mad, I called him and I told him that if he ever wanted to see me again that he needed to get his *** in gear and get help. For about a week, I wouldn't talk to him if he phoned. If I answered then phone when he called I would get mad at him and hang up. Yeah, I don't know where this story is going... but um... I thought that I would share it.
Posts: 19 | From: Ontario Canada | Registered: Oct 2000
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I should add that from my own experiences, while it certainly was never easy, both the divorces in my life have actually been very positive in the long run.
My parents split up when I was very young, but what it meant -- after I dealt with the separatetion from my Dad, who I enjoyed seeing every day -- was that my parents were no longer miserable. There wasn't fighting in my house, or a lot of passive-agressive resentment, and all in all, it became a peaceful place to be instead of a battle zone. My father and I remained closer than ever -- we still are incredibly close -- and once schedules got all worked out, I got to spend weekends with him, which was always a treat for me.
My mother remarried later, and I left home in high school because my stepfather was abusive. Later, they divorced as well, which made it possible for me to resume a relationship with my mother. I have also really watched her develop as a person in her own right, without grappling with relationships that weren't right for her, and she has now beein living with a partner I really like for years, and it's wonderful for her, and for all of us.
Your obviously not alone! 50% of marriages end in divorce today, which is actually pretty sad.
My parents were divorced when I was 3, I don't really remember my father that much, just a few memories, like Christmas, when he happened to be there. All of a sudden, when I was 8 years old, a letter came in the mail from his lawyer requesting visitation. After 6 years of silence? I don't get it! I see him now once a month with my aunt *his sister* and my grandparents *his parents*
Still, I think on of the hardest parts of divorce is the new people that come into our parent's lives. I hate my mom's boyfriend of 12 years. He's much older than her *she's 41, he's 64* and all he ever does is yell and critisize me and her. I know that with out him I wouldn't have as much as I do now, the computer I'm using he bought, he pays for the internet, the clothes I'm wearing he paid for, and yet I still hate him. He has the most terrible personality imaginable.
I'm off track now, but the point is, your not alone, you have a small, or rather large group of people out here ready to stand up with you!
My parents divorce really didn't get me that much. It made me upset, but i guess its just something i dealt with. Thinking back im surprised i wasn't a LOT more upset. Now parents gfs and bfs i can relate too!
My mom moved in with a man 15 years older then her ( bought a house together ) about 4 months after my dad moved back to canada. My dad then went back to his "mistress" His Gf is an ugly, dumb, higschool dropout that cheats welfare, and doesn't even have her own phone. I guess thats what makes me mad about it. My mom has 4 years of University AND her Nursing degree, and REALLY smart and pretty and is a great person. And my dad left her for this BIMBO. Err and her son is REALLY annoying and i hate him because he is always talking real condenscending to my little brother who has some discipline issues.
Hi My parents have been divorced for about 6 years now and i still can't really deal with it. My mom is remarried. Her and i use to be so close but now were not! My mom and i plus my sister would always do things together but now my step dad is always there i don't know how to deal with After 6 years i still cry myself to sleep sometimes, stupid right? I don't know how to talk to my mom about it or if i should?
Plus i am scared of wehn i get married i don't want to put my kids through the crap i have had to go through I have a hard time opening up to ppl now!
[This message has been edited by Doozed (edited 29 October 2000).]
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