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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Self-Mutilation (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Self-Mutilation
Heather
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Are you, or have you been, a "cutter"? Most people are amazed at how common it is.

If you're looking for some support, or for ways to stop your self-abuse, welcome.


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Misty
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I started self injury four years ago when I lost a close friend to MS, I dont really know what was harder having him die, or having him die without him knowing I was deeply in love with him. Being 14 I had no idea that he would die at a young age (13) and no one really warned us that it was a possibility..after he died I tried numerous suicide attempts, and then realised that I didnt want to die, so self injury just kind of fell into place. at that point it was nothing to serious maybe two or three cuts in a year.

and then after I was raped and came to terms with realising that I had an abortion even though I never really wanted to admit that it did happen, even a few years after it happened I still wasnt even sure if I did go through with it, just one of those things I pushed so far back trying to forget I suppose and then I had found I poem I had writen which made me realise that it actually happened, and then I needed to come to terms with it. after all of that I was "cutting" myself anywhere from 1-20 times a day, which then lead to carving derogatory words into my feet and ankles.

around this year my self injury has slowly dwindled down, but every now and then I do have my relapses.

Misty


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d1TzY8
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Everything in my life would be PERFECT..just me, my mom and my brother...

She needed the extra hand, and bad. She met this guy *Bob, and they "fell in love" and got married. So, now I have this step-dad, that can be GREAT one second and then turn into a beast the next. He always threatens to kill my brother or I.

I am 16, and like lots of teenagers my age, we try to stick up ourselves...if he yells at me, I will yell just as loud and hard rite back at him. He is NOT my father. I don't know my father. I barely remember him cause he left my mom like when I was very young. Technically, I dont even KNOW my real parents. I am adopted and DREAM of meeting them one day. ANYWAYS...whenever my step-dad gets angry he will take it out on me and my brother especially. He never hits my lil sister who is 6, but ALWAYS me and especially my brother. He has never hit my mom either. When he gets mad, I always know there is nothing to stop him.

He gets soo mad, and then afterwards, he always starts to talk like he is our best friend like.."Even though you are not my kids by blood, I consider you to be and I love you," blah blah blah. I think it's cause he doesnt want us to tell anyone he does it.

Whenever he is done beating us and after my face is about beat red from all the smaking, I can't help but to go and cut myself. I try to stop , but it's like something possess me and makes me do it or something. It doesnt hurt ONE bit though. I have never attempted to committ suicide, but one time, I over dosed on aspirin..I took about half of the bottle hoping that I would have to go to the ER and they would find out about *Bob.

My dad wouldn't let me go to the hospital or even the Dr. I felt like I was going to die for about the 2 weeks I was sick. I couldn't eat, and I ended up losing almost 35 pounds. I constantly threw up water stuff since I didnt have food to throw up.

Suprisingly he hasn't gone through a mad phase for a couple of months, and I pray every nite that he never does again, but I know it's too good to be true.

Thank you for listening to me! I have NEVER told anyone. Not even my best friend. I know if I told anyone, my dad WOULD kill me. And i dont want to have to live thinking about that.

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The *SeXiEsT* guys wear NOTHING but a smile!


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Misty
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I know exactually how you feel, I've gotten black eyes, broken bones by my father (on a few occasions) however I have tried just about everything to tell someone..However because my father is so activly involved in the community no one believes me, they see him as this great guy, but they dont know what happens behind closed doors.

My mother is just as bad as my father but has only put me through emotional abuse (as well as my father) a day usually doesnt pass without them telling me how worthless I am, or how much of a slu* and a whor* I am...mind you I dont have a boyfriend,I have never had sexual intercourse, heck I havent even kissed a guy...They know nothing of my past experience (rape, abuse, etc) because they are too nieve to ever notice anything, and even if they did notice something in all reality they wouldnt care.

and yes I can see how it all can lead to you cutting yourself, since it does the same for me.


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d1TzY8
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It's horrible for anyone to deserve to be put in a situation like ours, and being in one, I would NEVER wish anyone to be in it either.

I am SOO glad that I can relate to someone like myself. I really will be glad when I go to college so that I won't have to deal with it anymore.

My dad is really bad at calling me names too, anything from whore to crackhead, but most common is bitch...that's like my everyday name...Not Andrea, bitch instead.

I have NEVER gotten into drugs or like sex stuff. I HAD a boyfriend, but at my house, whenever I have a boyfriend (which isnt often), the name calling gets worst.

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The *SeXiEsT* guys wear NOTHING but a smile!


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d1TzY8
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BTW..if you want to talk sometime, my ICQ is 31479427.

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The *SeXiEsT* guys wear NOTHING but a smile!


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Heather
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This is all sadly normal.

I went though the same thing: basically, the abuse of a steparent was what brought me to self-mutilation. From the time I was 13 until I was about 15, I always carried a razor with me and carved into my forearms with every passing whim. It actually took through my early twenties for those scars to fully fade.

I think some of what happens is that when you are abused, you feel so terribly powerless that hurting yourself becomes something you can actually control. Physical pain (though for most cutters, and it was soon the case with me then, you don't feel much after a small time), if you can reach it, often makes emotional pain seems smaller.

I need to say to both of you, though, something you already know: you are both in what are potentially very volatile situations, that if someone was in the wrong mood, could turn truly bad on you suddenly.

It makes me so upset when abuse victims tell people what is happeneing and people don't believe. Perhaps because I went through it too. But what you can do at the very least is to keep a few places and people on hand that you can get to very quickly if things go bad. At the very least, get a listing for safehouses in your area.

If you need help finding them, let me know. I'm glad to help.


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Misty
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I agree, I feel no pain what so ever, its just something you become acustomed to. I find that physical pain is a lot easier to deal with than emotional pain, and in a sense its like I am transfering the pain and scars I hold with in, and usinging it as some sort of outter barrier...maybe in hopes that someone will realise the extent of pain that I am in?...if that makes sense. Granted I feel extreamly powerless but I think I have realised that I cant control it
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troublemaka
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well i have been raped by my bf father. and like Mistys case this guy was also VERY respected in the town were i live. BTW my town has only 2,000 people liveing in it so news travals fast. everyone was calling me a liar and even my parents.my bf was outraged with me that i would even think that his father would rape me. the only person who believed me was my cuzin because he asked her over and over to do things with him ,if u know what i mean. so then i started cutting and my mother noticed the cuts and she went though my room and taking anything sharp and thorwing it away. and so the only thing i could do was and is ,write poetry. so of its suicidal, so not. but ive found out is gives you a way to articulate ur feelings and u dont end up with physical scars.
<3 Katelin


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Misty
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In a way it just really amazes me, heck I even went as far as to try and involve the police in so many ways its just like a repeated smack in the face *sigh* just really makes no sense no sense at all.
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Heather
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Oh, Misty. Great big hugs for you.

And you can control it, but probably not on your own.

Just so that you have it, I just went and looked up some resources in Michigan for you, and here they are:
- Michigan Assault Hotline: (800) NO-MEANS-NO
- Michigan Crime Victims Services Commission
Contact: Michael Fullwood
Address: 320 S. Walnut St. Lansing, MI 48913 Phone: (517) 373-7373
- Michigans' Gov. Child Abuse Chapter: (517) 482 - 7533/ mikfoley@aol.com
- The clearinghouse manager for exploited/abused children in Michigan is" Sargeant Gregory Jones in Lansing, at (517) 333 - 4017.
- The National Center for Victims of Crime offers a number to get you a local referral at: (800) FYI-CALL.

And here's a general link for everyone on this subject: http://www.worldchat.com/public/asarc/selfmutl.htm


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sameolsixx
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I have been a cutter since i was 8 years old. I am 15 now. In my family it was always horrible to cry and i had my head bashed against a wall everytime i cried or did something of that nature. I have been admitted to the hospital 24 times, 13 in pych and 11 to get stitches. I am glad to say that i am gettin help now though.
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Ashley
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I started with the barly there cuts, and then I noticed them getting deeper. I have 45 scars on right arm, and I have words (10) in my other arm. It feels so good to cut myself. I feel nothing after doing this to myself. No feelings of wanting to scream, cry, nothing. I have had a confusing life, but I am now getting help.
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GothGirl
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I have cut for a long time now, but not only cut, i have also burned, punched, bruised, and broken bones. I have been harassed for the longest time in school for coming to school wit cuts on my legs, arms and stomach, or having a splint on my finger. I rememer i was cornered by some of the so called "popular" girld and they wanted me to lift my shirt up and show them the scars on my stomach. It was humilating, so i went in the girls's bathroom and just cut some more. People don't get how their actions can directly affect another's life. I am so ashamed of what I do, i just want to die.

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THE KNIFE IS ON THE TABLE I PUT MYSELF TO SLEEP- KiTtIe

[This message has been edited by GothGirl (edited August 05, 2000).]


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GothicghOst
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Well dont do it anymore....and please dont do anything i wouldnt..like suicide cause that isnt the way. if you would like someone to talk to ..you can e-mail me...feedbackfeedback@hotmail.com


and hey kittie is kewl band!


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Misty
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Self injury isnt a suicide attempt hun, people who self injure dont usually plan on killing themselves, however depending on the severity it can lead to that even if it wasnt something planned. Self injury pretty much just means the attempt to deliberately cause harm to one's own body and the injury is usually severe enough to cause tissue damage. This is not a conscious attempt at suicide, though some people may see it that way.You may be wondering why someone would intentionally harm themselves. Self-injury can help someone relieve intense feelings such as anger, sadness, loneliness, shame, guilt and emotional pain. Many people who cut themselves, do this in an attempt to try and release all the emotions they are feeling internally. Others may feel so numb, that seeing their own blood when they cut themselves, helps them to feel alive because they usually feel so dead inside. Some people find that dealing with physical pain is easier than dealing with emotional pain. Self-injury is also used as a way to punish oneself. If they were abused, they may feel ashamed, guilty and blame themselves for the abuse, which in turn causes them to feel the need to punish themselves by inflicting pain to their bodies. Some people have such hatred for themselves and their bodies that they will carve demeaning names on their bodies as a way to remind themselves of how terrible they are. Whatever form of self-injury is used, the person is usually left with a peaceful and calm feeling afterwards. Since those feelings are only temporary, the person will probably continue to self-injure until they deal with the underlying issues and finds healthier ways to cope

[This message has been edited by Misty (edited August 05, 2000).]


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d1TzY8
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I know exactly how you feel.

------------------
The *SeXiEsT* guys wear NOTHING but a smile!


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Dragongurl122
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I have cut myself for some time now. It's the only way I can feel something inside of me. I feel like crying sometimes yet, I can't. My heart hurts so much inside. I just figured that the blood pouring out is a sign that I'm still alive.I make people believe that I'm getting better but the truth is that I feel myself dying each day. I was abused when I was young, yet, I never really thought about it much. I buried those thoughts and never again wanted to relive them. I recently cut myself on my arm again after a few weeks of not cutting myself. No one seems to notice or care and I guess that's all right. I do not know how to stop this. Sometimes, I feel sick to my stomach because I have become a walking wreck. Other times, I wake up with the urge to rip my flesh out and lie in a pool of blood and never wake up again. I've thought of stabbing myself in the chest, yet I guess I'm to much of a coward. I wish I could let other ppl understand what is going on inside me, yet.. I can't let anyone in and I can't let myself out of my own past.
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Misty
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I dont know if I would necessarily say that there is a way to end it, but I think it can fade away but yet that part of you is still there just waiting to show its face again.

Here is a list of things that helps SOME (key word here) people when they have the urge to self injure.

deep breathing

relaxation techniques

call a friend, your therapist or a crisis line

try not be be alone (visit a friend, go shopping, etc.)

take a hot bath

listen to music

go for a walk

write in a journal

wear an elastic around wrist and snap it when you have the urge to harm yourself

some people find it helpful to draw red lines on themselves with washable markers

instead of cutting themselves
hold ice cubes in your hands - the cold causes pain in your hands, but it is not dangerous or harmful (some people find it relieves the urge to harm themselves for that moment)

punching a bed or a pillow (when nothing but a physical outlet for your anger and frustration will work).

scratch draw a picture on a thick piece of wood or use a screw driver and stab at the piece of wood. (can be another physical way to release your emotions without harming yourself.)

avoid temptation (i.e. avoiding the area in CVS where the razor blades are kept, etc.)

try to find your own creative ways as outlets for emotions.

learn to confront others/making your own feelings known instead of keeping them inside

go outside and scream and yell

take up a sport (a form of exercise can help you release tension, etc.)

work with paint, clay, play-doo, etc. (the person who suggested this mentioned that they would make a big sculpture and do whatever they wanted to it. They said it was helpful to calm the urge to self-injure, plus it gave them some idea of what might be underlying the pain.

draw a picture of what or who is making you angry

instead of harming yourself, try massaging the area you want to harm with massage oils or creams, reminding yourself that you are special and you deserve to treat yourself and your body with love and respect

go to church or your place of worship

wear a pipe cleaner or something that will fit on the places that you injure. One person did this as a way to remind herself that she could call someone instead of hurting herself and that she had other ways to cope.

break the object that you use to self-injure as a way to show that you have control over it.

write a letter to the person(s) that have hurt you and express how they made you feel. Theses letters do not have to be in perfect form and you do not have to please anyone but yourself. You do not have to give these letters to the people, but it is a great way to release the feelings that you are carrying within. After you write the letters, you can decide then what to do with them. Some people find destroying the letters help (i.e. tear them up, throw them in a lake, etc.)

do some household chores (i.e. cleaning)

do some cooking

try some sewing, crossstitch, etc.

recite a poem, prayer or anything else familiar the comforts you multiple times

write down all your positive points and why you do not deserve to be hurt

write in your journal why you want to hurt yourself and if you have hurt yourself, write down what caused it to happen so in the future you can prevent it from happenings - or find out what your triggers were

Play some kind of musical instrument. Even if you don't really know how to play, picking out tunes is a way to concentrate and help get rid of the urge to harm yourself.

yoga

allow yourself to cry. Getting the tears out can make you feel better. It allows the inside to release, as opposed to self abuse. Picture your "ickies" pouring out as you cry.

Take a shower

write down a word best associated with what
you are feeling (i.e. horrible, sad, lonely, angry) and continue to write it down, over and over. Sometimes when you do that, the words looks silly etc., and it puts humor or

a smile in your life.
sing a song on what you are feeling. It's another way to get it outside. Shout if you are made, etc. Let the words just come to you.

Scribble on paper. Clutch the pen in your fist. It's a way to diffuse it on to paper. (Get a few sheets so they don't tear.)

Take item you are self injurying with and use it against something else. For example, if you are using a razor blade, rip it across a towel. Sometimes seeing what "can" be done to an object can make a person think twice about using it on themselves. Can also give the feeling of "doing it"...the tangible aspect.

Make a list of reasons why you are going to stop cutting. Every time you get the urge, read the list to remind yourself why you shouldn't. Also remember to put on that list that you do not deserve to hurt yourself. You are important and special and you do not deserve to be hurt.


~Misty


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Heather
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Misty,
Those are all EXCELLENT suggestions. Thanks to you for oferring that help out to those who need it.

And I agree, it is improtant to point out that self-mutilation isn't suicidal behavior. It is a very different set of behaviors altogether, and needs to be dealt with and treated far differently.


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d1TzY8
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Im putting my razors and knifes away.
Counseling and therapy is at my side today!

Im going to get help!

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The *SeXiEsT* guys wear NOTHING but a smile!


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Heather
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Hooray for you!
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d1TzY8
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My mother found out...and I told her it was because of my step dad, and she said "you dont have to worry about that any longer...were getting divorced."

I could have shot through the roof i was sooo happy!!!

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The *SeXiEsT* guys wear NOTHING but a smile!


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PoetgirlNY
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I've recently(2 weeks ago)started cutting myself. I feel terrible because the more I do it the more I hate myself and the more messed up I feel. Nothing around me is making me really upset, it's just generally hating myself so much that I deserve pain. I was at sleepaway camp when I started and I told a counselor that I'm close to about it and they ended up having to call my parents. Now I'm really embarrased and my parents are half dissapointed and half concerned. They are looking for a therapist for me, but I don't feel like I'm worth it or anything can help me. I'm just wrong. Everything about me is terrible. I'm ugly and stupid and untalented and disturbed. I hate myself so much that there isn't really a point to anything I'm saying. I guess I shouldn't post this because no one wants to read what I have to say, but since I've already written it, I might as well.
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bettie
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PoetgirlNY, this is a great place for you to share your stories and write about things that are troubling you. That is the whole purpose of the Support Group topic. We do listen and care.
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PoetgirlNY
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Wow, I just went back and read my post and it's really depressing. I don't feel like that anymore, I haven't been cutting myself at all since I've gotten back from camp. I think what really helps is that it's summer so I can't get away with wearing long sleeve shirts all the time and not looking suspicious. Not wanting my parents to know really helps me to not do it. Sorry my last post was like that.
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negative*nancy
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my therapist once told me the elastic band suggestion.

I used it and ended up with huge welts and bruises... and although it wasn't permanent, it was probably a lot more painful than cutting.

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where is fancy bred? In the heart, or in the head?


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PoetgirlNY
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Has anyone ever had cuts get infected? I am going to a new therapist(yea!) and today she asked me if I was worried that my parents would find out if my cuts got infected and my arms swelled up like balloons. Of course I realize that in general it is quite possibe for a cut to get infected, but I think I have the idea that since it is self inflicted it won't happen. Does anyone have experience with infected cuts? Know how to prevent them(other than not cutting)? I am trying to stop myself from cutting, but in the meantime it would be VERY bad if my parents found out about it.
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Misty
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I have never had experience with an infected cut, thankgawd. but I would say that probably after cutting you would want to wash it well, apply some sort of cream (like neosporin or something) and put a bandage on it. thats probably about it on that, appart from changing the bandage every three hours or so.
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Pixie69
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Yeah, wash the cut, wrap it up or put a bandaid on it (to prevent dirt from getting in) and use like, neosporin. I've never had an infected cut...but I wouldn't be surprise if I died of tetnis or something. I'd have to say the most scariest, stupidest thing I did was cut myself with a Pepsi can. There's a way you press on them that makes a whole so you can tear it in half and duh, it cuts. NOw that I think back on it I realize how stupid stupid stupid that was. But maybe that's why I did it, because it was so stupid and something could've gone seriously wrong yaknow. Now I don't know what exactly you have to cut yourself with to get tetnis or an infection but I can't imagine a pepsi can being nice and sterilyzed, ya know?

Brittany


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Twilight
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Member # 1666

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I have none of the "good"reasons everyone seems to have.I cut when I'm angry,when I'm depressed,when I get yelled at,someone hurts my feelings,when I get involved sexually with anyone,when I'm afraid, when I feel like i could fall apart if I don't let the pressure out.And I control the feeling,There isn't any pain unless I cut deep,until The Blood runs down my shoulders and arms.I've been abused But I don't remember it was too far back in my life three or younger and my memory sux anyway....(I forget what day it is sometimes,and what month)I do it myself with my hairbrush and a bamboo rod.Made bruises the size of my hands on my legs and thighs.thats what made my boyfriend cry(if you've read my other posts you know what I'm saying)I used to hit my face....but my mother figured it out.I usually wear long pants and skirts so they don't show.I don't cut my arms anymore...its too noticable now its my shoulders and my legs.

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Without love in a dream it will never come true


Posts: 18 | From: Valdosta,Ga,USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Twilight
Neophyte
Member # 1666

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A bright red scream,a cry for help
a whimper in darkness,a strangled yelp
feel it the blood grows sticky on my arm
the thrill ,the taste of my self harm
to will or won't,the feeling dies
but not for long,it builds with my cries
without a reason..........or right

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Without love in a dream it will never come true


Posts: 18 | From: Valdosta,Ga,USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Claire
Activist
Member # 1548

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Please dont do this to youreself.
Please
Thats all i ask. Think about it is it making u feel any better.
If u do do it when u r feeling all right go and ask ure mum to look the knife cuboard or any other thing that u could use.
if u get the urg just think about it for a hwile.
cry yell do all the things that misty suggested
Plz dont hurt youreself.
Youll hurt others to.
I wish i could help you IM crying now.
Plz PLz.
If u feel like it.
write me an email or talk to me on icq: clarabella@seductive.com ICQ: 64975365
Im not much good at it but i will help.
PLz
Thank you

Posts: 82 | From: Australia | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DeLynnFLX
Neophyte
Member # 1516

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Twilight i know what you mean when you say you don't have any "good" reasons. i feel exactly the same. when my mom yells at me or my big brother yells at me and treats me like crap or when anybody really hurts my feeling and makes me cry, i cut. my parents are also goin thru a divorce so that hurts too.... but I always cut in the same exact place on my left wrist. I honestly think i have some sort of mental problem, little things get to me. Like one night my mom got upset with me because i forgot to do my chores. And out of nowhere i just started bawling and went up to my room. I just started thinking of all these hurtful things people have done to me and so i pulled out my razor, found my "spot" and cut, deep. And all the sudden my emotional pain just left and i was in the best mood. Yeah it's sad, but i don't know what to do.

Miz Scarlet,
All of the sudden i've been extremly tired, i get upset over the smallest of things, i explode at little jokes people make about, i've been cutting down on myself,
and i'm starting to sleep walk and do weird things in my sleep, one night my dad came into my room and i was sleeping with my eyes wide open and he said i wouldn't wake up even when he was shaking me, and i've been a light sleeper my whole life. I'm really confused and scared about the behavior i've had lately. Do you know of any names of disorders that have these symptoms???
Please get back to me ASAP
Thanx soo much!!


Posts: 6 | From: Potterville, MIchigan, USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lemming
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33

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Hon, I'm going to answer for Miz Scarlet on this one, because I know she's very busy -

Scarleteen doesn't keep paid psychiatrists on our staff, and a psychiatrist is really who you need to go to for this. It *does* sound like you have something that's interfering with your life, and causing you distress, though we can't diagnose you.

Really the best thing you can do for yourself is to see someone trained in these sort of things. Even if you do "have some sort of mental problem," it's not your fault and it can get better.

It's okay.

And I won't tell you not to cut, but do keep yourself safe, and any time you need to, leave a little message on the boards.

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~lemming, Scarleteen Advocate

want to know the inner lemming? read her diary at http://innerlemming.diaryland.com/ .


Posts: 3156 | From: Austin, Texas | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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