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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Support Groups » Deprssion and Suicide

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Author Topic: Deprssion and Suicide
Dragongurl122
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I'm a sixteen year old about to start her last year in High School. For the past year, I've had serious problems dealing with Depression. I've attempted suicide four times and have been taken to the Hospital twice.I also started cutting myself around six months ago and slit my wrist twice. I am currently on medication to help me with my Depression. My parents are pretty nice to me and I have a great Best Friend and a loving Boyfriend.I'm a pretty good student and am involved in community activities and the varsity swimteam in my school. Yet, Inside, I feel like I'm a walking dead girl. I know I've been seriously depressed for many years. I cry a lot for no reason and become angry over things that have happened to me in my past. One of them is having been sexually abused when I was seven by two different people. I wish I knew how to deal with all of this and all I hope for is a little bit of hope in a world that seems to drown me. I would like to think that I'm not alone and that I can be helped, yet I see all of this as being so hard.. I feel more alone and melancholic as time goes on. I seriously think that I may not last for another year. I've tried to express myself to the people closest to me yet.. I can never say more than one word to them. I would like to know how to reach out to them and hopefully, let them reach out to me. Being this way is sad. It's like a constant bleeding wound over my chest, a wound that can never be healed. I've tried so damn hard to find myself in this mess I've become, that I guess I just keep on loosing myself more and more.

[This message has been edited by Dragongurl122 (edited August 01, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Dragongurl122 (edited August 01, 2000).]


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LADY JUVENILE
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Have you ever try writing . Like a letter to your parents or you best friend that how I express my way because I really am not a talker . Like recantly I was feeling depressed 'bout what a couple of boys said to me and I felt so ugly and so down about myself that my best friend picked up on it she took me aside and ask me what was wrong but as I always said nothing even thought I had tears rolling down my face. I told her in a letter how I was feeling inside and I figured out that life worth living for and same thing I;m saying to you life is worth living for because you are very much important as the next person . you must let out your feeling or it's going to burst inside of you like it's doing right now. try it and give it to a person that you trust and can help you in any possible way . But until then KEEP YOUR HEAD UP. We love you and we want you alive and well
One Love Lady J

Posts: 29 | From: WOODLAWN, MD,USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Dragon,
You sound so much like me at your age (for me it was a couple years earlier) it nearly made me cry.

I remember all too clearly feeling that way: each day seems doubly long, and crawling through even one is so insanely difficult that you get to the next one not feeling refreshed, but totally exhausted, and that exhuastion seems to build and build without ever diluting. It's a horrible feeling.

Awful as it sounds (and if you want to talk more about it, you're welcome to just mail me), the thing that really snapped me out of that was having to help someone else. I started seeing someone then who had had things even worse than I had, which seemed hard to even fathom (I was an abuse and sexual abuse victim, like you), and it made it hard to think about myself. Sadly, he did end up killing himself, and in that one week of having to look at blood and bullet holes and deal with police and funeral homes and burials -- from that day on I never even gave a thought to killing myself again. It's hard to imagine what a heinous thing it is to do until you're the one left behind not only to mourn, but to take care of everyone mourning and clean up the whole thing.

Obviously, I don't hope that happens to you. It was tremendously hard. But in some sense, it saved my life.

At that time, and years before, I wrote poetry. PILES of it. More, in fact, than I even write now as a professional writer. Some of it was buried with my boyfriend. But it really helped me, and when I got to the points where I just could say a word, I'd hand someone one of those sheets of paper.

I also know that I didn't do a heavy medication trip, but I did find a wonderful therapist, and she made all the difference.

So, here's the happy (but odd) ending. I don't really remember getting better. All I know is that one day I just seemed to be out of it, and where I had been seemed like a long, long process, but it suddenly seemed very far away. Some of that (in my case) was chemical and hormonal, and puberty and adolescence made it worse (as it does sometimes). But for the most part, what really happened was that I got a small foothold on some semblance of sanity -- small daily things I could manage and appreciate without them making me tired or worn -- and just kept trying to breathe a little more clean air each day.

Dragon, you can mail me if you like at the contact address at the bottom of the boards if you need more, or just want to vent a bit. You're also more than welcome to use these boards to your heart's desire. You aren't the only one out there who has dealt or is dealing with this, though it's awfully hard to see that when everything is so foggy. But it's important that you talk or communicate just to get it out of your head, even if it's in a way that doesn't seem to make much sense.

I hope that helps, even a little bit.

XOX
- Heather


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Pixie69
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DragonGrl, I've been there too. For me the best thing was to start meditating, keeping a journal (although my mom went through all my stuff so I didn't want her to find it, so I got an online one. If you're interested go to www.deardiary.net), seeing a therapist worked for me too. I just got out my feelings and talked, and got advice. But what works for one person may not work for another.

And I hate to say it but comitting suicide is the most selfish thing you can do. It's finding the loophole because you can't deal with real life. You'll probably say "what a bitch she doesn't understand" but that is what my friends told me and now I realize that they were sooo right.

Gosh I'm just writing this so you know that you're not alone and that there are people who want to help, so I guess all I can say is just take it one day at a time,and find whatever works for YOU. I know some people write down their problems, put it in a shredder, stick it in a balloon, fill the balloon with helium, and watch it fly away. I know people who take kick boxing or competitive driving classes...and I know people who go to the shooting range, they just put up pictures of stuff they hate on the boards and bang bang. So you can try these but the ultimate goal is to find what works for you and stick with it...please don't do anything too unrational...

Brittany

PS: and it takes years and years for scars to fade on the outside, so it takes much longer for them to fade on the inside...I never cut myself deep but I still have the scars on the outside...I'm not ready to face the ones on the inside but if I ignore them they don't hurt me so much.


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mentalxashtray
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I know where you're coming from. But just know, the only thing that can happen is for it to get better. Try writing. Poetry, a journal, something to get out your emotions. Try to do anything to keep from cutting yourself. A good support site I know of is http://smudged.org/cutter/ . While its no longer updated, it may help. You're not alone. I do occaisionally cut myself, so I cannot tell you that you're bad and horrible. Same with suicide attempts: tried over twenty times. But just know this: while you may not feel better sometimes, you can always find better ways to let it out. Cry. Kick and scream. Write. talk about it, or if you don't want to, don't. But while I believe cutting sort of helps [don't bother arguing me on it], its not when you're suicidal. Its when you don't want to die. If you do, then you really shouldn't. And yu shouldn't anyways, don't dig into that whole. I have a friend who's are is covered up in down in slashes. My ankles and wrists are scarred countless times. You don't want to be down here, its not pretty. So get better.

------------------
"So what do we do now?"
"We go forward."
"Together?"
"Always."

[This message has been edited by mentalxashtray (edited August 01, 2000).]


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Ashley
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Look.....I am 13 tears old, and I know that I am not perfect. I started slitting my wrist
two years ago. I still do it. It helps me cope. I am dangerously depressed.(as the doctors say)I have tried consiling, and other stuff. I have gone to the hospital so many times it's not funny. I remember I got so depressed, and I took about ten pills. I wasn't sure what they were, but I didn't care. I then started to cut myself. I ended up with 25 cuts on my arm. I have learned through all of this that you can only be happy....if you can forgive, and not forget, but just cope. I am now about to be 14 years old, and I now want to live. I didn't think I was going to make it this far. About a year ago I wanted to die so bad, but I was under constant supervision. I think you need to try to forgive yourself for things that have happened. Let yourself know that it wasn't your fault. I had to relize that, and I am now going to live life, instead of trying to kill it.

-Live is precious-


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Heather
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I'm going to close this topic here, and move it to Support grouups, where you all can best use it.
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Heather
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I'm going to close this topic here, and move it to Support grouups, where you all can best use it.
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riotgrrrl
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Ive had depression for 8-12 yrs now.. Im gonna be 18 this november. I cant remember a time where Ive been actually happy. last october i started not sleeping.. ended up with insommnia for 3 months.. intil this january.. i swallowed somewhere between 60-100 extra strength advil. and then some how my parents ended up taking me to the hospital.. i spent 2 days there.. blood tests.. drinking charcoal... taking to cops.. because attempting suicide is a crime. from the end of january intil may 2000. i was in and out of psych wards.. ive now been diagonised with psychotic depression.. with slight personality disorder.. i stopped taking my medication in june because i felt like i was getting better.. big mistake. im now finally this week back on my meds.. but i have stopped sleeping again. any one who has depression should seek help right away.. its better to get help then to hurt yerself. suicide isnt the way.. im learning that now. ive been a cutter.. still am some what.. for a few yrs now.. its not right.. but sometimes u cant help yerself.
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Goddess
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Sadly, I can relate with all of you. About 8 months ago, I tried to end my life by overdosing on over the counter meds. It's a long tough road to recovery - how i wish i was there. Since then - one of my good friends has tried suicide several times and i was so scared, i kept having these horrid flashbacks to the night I attempted suicide. The worst part is I could seriously see him doing it - with my "event" no one could believe i had tried - straight A student, student council officer, future planned...but him, no hopes for the future. I was dragged back into the horrid nightmare of my night, only i was no longer the one in control. I hated it so much. I didn't know where to turn, I ended up telling the person I trusted the most, the person who helped me through mine - an english teacher...i don't know if I did the right thing...but he's still alive and so am i...although we're not speaking right now...
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ash
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Dragon,
don't be sad. we are here for u.. write to us. spend your time going out, talk to friends, try to forget the past and get on with your life.. it is hard.. i know, dear.
Every day when you get up, tell yourself that you will not going to think of suicide and you have to be happy.
that's what i used to do when i was depressed last year. Good luck girl. keep in touch! ;p

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playingbyheart
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I don't trust myself anymore. All I've ever wanted was self-control. I was sad because of so many different reasons, and at times they all pile up inside me so high that the sky is not visable anymore. Then I want to hurt people, I want to temporarily hurt myself- I just want to go away---

yesterday night I took a few too many pills once again. I'm sure that even if i didn't go to the hospital i would have been fine, afterall- i only took 5 extra strength tylenol and 2 advil--- and i weigh 154lbs so it didnt affect me too much-- but i went and they made me force myself to throw up and had me talk to a counselour and gave me blood tests... the thing is that, even though i'm fine, i'm terribly afraid of myself. I do these stupid things and regret it later, but sometimes i just loose control and think that if i **** -up my body physically i'll feel better mentally or something-- but i know that's not true and it's not like i actually believe that-- i just can't get it away. I'm scared that one day i will do something extremly stupid and end up dead or with permanant damage... and worst of all, hurt my friends + family. I don't want that- but i can't stop. I'm going crazy. Well- i'm going to the bahamas for the next week so maybe that will help clear my mind... bye all.


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essygirl
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This question is for girls suffering from depression, after it is gone is it normal for it to return for a few days befor and during you're period? Also i'm guessing this might be because of hormones, will going on the pill make this go away or make it worse?
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essygirl
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This question is for girls suffering from depression, after it is gone is it normal for it to return for a few days befor and during you're period? Also i'm guessing this might be because of hormones, will going on the pill make this go away or make it worse?
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hotchick
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Dragongurl, you have my deepest sincerity because you sound so much like how I was in the last three or so years. I know how it feels to be lost and alone, and you try to enjoy life but there's no spark inside you. Its like a dim flame that is about to go out. I never was sexually abused but I was definetely pressured into losing my virginity. I, too, am on medication for depression. You have to love yourself first above anyone else, and not be so hard on yourself. If you're afraid that people will look down on you if you open up, then discard that because its preventing you from getting help and support. If you ever want to talk about anything please don't hesitate to e-mail me at JSA42001@cs.com I'm not a psychologist but I definetely know what you're going through. Miz Scarlet said it all-- when you see people far worse off then you your problems don't seem that huge. Your life is never as bad as you make it out to be in your mind.

What happened to me was that after learning everything the hard way I slowly grew stronger. I stopped being so hard on myself. And things slowly got better. But you have to be open and honest with people. If you keep all those thoughts inside, especially thoughts of suicide, they will eat away at you. The first time I remember feeling depressed was in the winter of ninth grade. I stopped going to school for a month and I isolated myself in my room. My life grew darker and more unreal and the thoughts and feelings that constantly came into my mind were frightening. So please try and reach out to someone. I wish you the best and good luck.


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ThisGuy
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I've been there.
Too many 18 hour days (lets just say university SUCKS), a pathetic romantic life, and a family life that just made me want to cry.

I basically planned on self immolation. I was a muchly f-ed up little puppy. Surprised I never did it, really.

Almost drank myself to death once. Its funny, but now alcohol just tastes "bad" to me. Some sort of rudimentary aversion therapy, perhaps.

The main thing that helped me was my friends. They were my lifeline.

What else helped? I don't know. Weight training did a bit - just being able to move heavy stuff and work myself to exhaustion kinda helped me stop thinking for a while.

Homework? Nope. Even while I was yawning through vector calc, I was still concentrating on how cruddy my life was.

Occasional moments of creativity? I'd write - usually humour. Mostly to entertain myself, but my friends seemed to enjoy it. The difficulty was finding time.

My suggestion?
Work out WHY you're feeling so down - the root reason, not just something as broad as "school". Do something about it. See a therapist or whatever, cos things will only get worse if you keep brooding about this stuff to yourself.


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KevMezz
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Ok I have suffered with depression for a while now, And I know how hard it can be to over come. I have many reasons why i'm depressed but this is not what this site is for but I know a good website that has a forum and a chatroom for people who suffer with depression. it is a UK based website so most who use it live in England but anyone can use it I'm a regular on the chatroom and we do have some people come on the chat room from all over the world Austrailia, USA, Canada, Ireland. WWW.DEPRSSIONALLIANCE.ORG

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SilverD.A.9
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You guys sound so much like me...All of you do. I just started cutting myself in 9th grade. I dont know why but just the feel of blood running down my arm felt "good". My mom started yelling at me about everything..my grades were horrible. (I used to make straight A's now I'm proud to make C's) My boyfriend dumped me cause he thought I was crazy..Then I met a guy who wanted to help me. He never told me to stop but didn't like the fact that I was doing it. He never told anyone else but talking to him and being able to call him to vent all my emotions out kept me from cutting. Well we started dating and about 4 months into our relationship I lost my virginity to him. I admit it was a very special thing to me. Well my parents found out and freaked and now are making me break up with him. I overdosed on some kind of pills ( I dont even know what they were) and took up cutting again. I dont know how to stop but yet I dont really want to stop...I have no reason to stop...I'm seriously thinking about killing myself...I feel like noone cares not even my own "family".... am I crazy?
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NeoUK
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Man this sounds like the story of my life!!!Ive been through it and ive helped mates get through it!The best thing to do is not look at the bad points in your life and focus and i mean really focus on the good points, if there isnt any then make them happen and belive me u can!!

------------------
I love michelle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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sweettweet22
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I don know if this is still going on...hopefully it is, because I really want/ need to talk to someone or know that someone knows what I am going through- I mean a lot of people are trying to help me, but it's jus not the same when they haven't been through anything you have (know what I mean?0- well...I don wanna write too much, because knowin me and my stupid self, I mite me postin into something that doesn't even exist- well hopefully someone out there will understand me

------------------
I'm so confused- I scare myself~ "y do we luv the ppl that HATE us, and HATE the ppl that luv us?"


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Ecofem
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hello sweettweet,

I have been reading your other thread in Support Groups but wanted to comment here. You are definitely not alone, as you see in this thread and all the other support people at Scarleteen have been giving you. I can really relate to you situation, as I experience something similar my senior year of high school, three years ago. I know what's is like to cry seemingly endlessly– I remember waking up and crying for two hours, somehow going to school, getting picked up my parents since they didn't trust me to get home on my own (they basically had me under house arrest), then coming home and lying around, isolating myself from my family, getting dropped off and picked up from work or my community college night classes, calling my best friend, then crying myself to sleep for two hours.

I’m actually amazed at how well I could function despite being so miserable inside. There is a line from a Smiths' song that goes "And when I'm lying in my bed/I think about life and I think about death/and neither one particularly appeals to me“ that perfectly describes how I felt at the time. For reasons I can’t remember, when I was in fifth grade I was also very depressed and had a semi-suicide attempt was good in a way, as at that point I vowed never to consider suicide as an option again.

Ironically, I actually enjoyed going to school, as hard it could be since „he“ was there afterall, but at the same time I had a wonderful, wonderful group of friends and two classes– art and English– that were excellent creative outlets for me. I had always earned really good grades but I had reverse senior slump senior year as working hard for my classes was a distraction and the having the possibility of earning a scholarship that would allow me to leave home forever and be financially independent if I really wanted to was inticing as well.

Listening to and playing music is a passion of mine and it was a good outlet, ditto on writing poetry, stuff that is so sad that nowadays I still have trouble even reading it again. I found that music that some might find incredibly depressing was actually incredibly helpful– I know it sounds weird, but I credit Hole’s Pretty on the Inside for saving my life at the time. Helping others, as Miz Scarlet mentioned, also helped because it helped me realize, for example, how good I had it, despite being depressed.

So I went to college, not actually really wanting to go at first, but going anyways. My depression didn’t go away but my new friendships (college leads to hours and hours of sitting around talking to people in the hallways; I felt I needed a break from men due to trust issues and such so I ended up actually going to a women’s college). Of course, after good moments, there were times when all the bad memories came back to me even harder and worse than before. Then I remember one day last year walking on campus on a windy day to class and just felt so happy and realized that happiness for me was going to start coming from little, seemingly miniscule things. And as Miz Scarlet/Heather said about her own experience, it wasn’t so much a constant monitering of progress but just realizing one day things weren’t perfect but better. And, for example, I feel very comfortable with men and am open to dating relationships again. And I love and appreciate my family more than ever.

This year I am studying abroad– I’m not going through an established program or anything but just living on my own, having to figure out all the bureauocracy and details myself. But it has been my best experience yet as I have forced myself to be independent, that I have to take care of myself because if I don’t, no one else will. I remember getting off the plane with a few heavy bags, feeling really sick, but thinking that I can’t be sick because I need to get on the train and go where I need to. It’s hard to dwell on past problems and the like when you’re just trying to get along in the language and figure out grocery shopping and budgets and everything. Of course there’s been culture shock and learning and language barriers, but overall it’s been one of my most challenging and rewarding experiences, that is second to surviving senior year. I realized that if I could survive that, I could survive anything– really.

What I’m trying to say is that as bleak as the future looks right now, keep dreaming, going to your counselor, and just getting through each day (which is where the dreams help). I was there and got through it and know it can be done.

Btw, I really like your moniker– it reminds me of a great former roommate who really likes Tweety Bird (did I get the name right?) and how it rhymes sounds cool and makes me happy to speak outloud.

------------------
"I'm a cunning linguist" ~Princess Superstar


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logic_grrl
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Just a resource that might be helpful:

For anyone having thoughts about suicide, you can call the nationwide suicide hotline: 1-800-784-2433 (that's available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and your call automatically gets connected to a crisis center near you, where you can talk to trained counsellors).

Hotlines are great whenever you really need to talk to someone about what you're going through, right now.


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sweettweet22
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ecofem...I wish/hope my story will end as happy as your's did- and I hope I don go through with my thoughts- but I'm glad for you that you are enjoying life I Hope I can too!- I write poetry and songs (like yours, they are depressing...not a surprise)- and I cut too, but the thing is,all of those help but jus for a lil bit of time- I want something that will help me in the long run...and won't bring back bad memories when I'm actually in a good mood (like the scars from cutting)- well...I'm jus so confused right now that I don even know what I"m writing I'll write when my head is straight (if that day ever comes)- I jus wanna end all of my misery once and for all...

------------------
I'm so confused- I scare myself~ "y do we luv the ppl that HATE us, and HATE the ppl that luv us?"


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