Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Why have sex when it's freaking you out?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Why have sex when it's freaking you out?
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I really need some help understanding this, so I can best work with some of you, if you are willing to talk to me about it candidly.

Really, it's just what I asked there that I need help with: we seem to have quite a few users in direct services who get very freakout out, for various reasons, before, during, and/or after sex, and I just do not get why anyone would keep doing something that's about feeling good that seems to leave them feeling more crappy than awesome. Especially when, at best, it's nanoseconds of good -- or even just so-so -- and then days, weeks or months of fear, anxiety and panic and bad feelings.

Can some of you help me out here who have been or are in this spot to help me better understand? I just keep thinking there must be something about all of this I am missing or not getting.

Thanks if you can pitch in!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
If it helps, my work education around sexuality aside, there may also be generational differences at play here that are making it harder for me to understand.

On the whole, when I was younger -- rampant sexism and double-standards notwithstanding, as that certainly was there for us, too, and setting aside that my circles were largely queer rather than heterosexual -- for myself and most of my friends and lovers, sex was a thing we did to have a good time.

If we were not having a good time (before, during or after), it was something we would just opt out of doing and then go find other ways to have a good time. Having sex when it wasn't really what we wanted and wasn't something we felt benefitted us just really was not a common occurrence. If someone felt scared and full of anxiety about sex, then usually it was just not something they chose to be doing.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
silvergirl_sailing_on
Activist
Member # 110025

Icon 1 posted      Profile for silvergirl_sailing_on     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm willing to talk about it but some of the reasons were an abusive relationship so I don't know if that's much use since I think you'll probably know all about how that dynamic can lead to freaked-out sex. But in that relationship there were still times where (much as I'd like to say now that I didn't) I did willingly participate in sex when I was freaking out about it. I don't know if that's what you're looking for but I'm happy to talk about it if it is [Smile]

--------------------
~Ciara

"Sail on silver girl, sail on by. Your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way."

Posts: 40 | From: Scotland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I certainly think that is relevant! My sense is that if not abuse, quite a lot of these situations are happening in relationships where people just do not feel they are given the option of sex-as-total-option.

So, yes, would love to hear what you have to offer, thanks!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
silvergirl_sailing_on
Activist
Member # 110025

Icon 1 posted      Profile for silvergirl_sailing_on     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, ok that's great if it's still useful then [Smile] So obviously there were times where I had sex which I didn't really want or was freaked out about because I was really pressured into it. However I think if I'd been a bit more educated (like if I'd found this site first) I might not have been so susceptible to the pressuring as some of it was based on lies.

As far as I was aware, a first time hurt and it was natural to be scared. So that's how I ended up having a first time that I was freaked about. I was also told (by the guy) that the reason it hurt (on many occasions not just the first time) was because I wasn't relaxing. Got yelled at to relax (which is pretty counterproductive, but hey, he wasn't exactly a nice guy) and led to believe that it was my own fault if intercourse hurt me or that it was a problem that I needed to fix myself (turns out minimal foreplay and a bad situation can do that to a girl, who knew.)

He also told me a lot that I wasn't good in bed and that his exes had been better so in some ways I pressured myself to have sex when I didn't really want to either in order to "practice" or in some misguided way to prove myself.

I think sometimes as well I had sort of wanted it at the start and then didn't later on, for multiple reasons. Sometimes he would make me feel guilty, other times I would feel guilty myself. Sometimes if I didn't "follow through" he would want oral sex instead of intercourse and that wasn't something I enjoyed giving at all in that relationship so I'd have intercourse instead because I guess I figured at least I'd have a chance of enjoying it.

He also liked to use withholding sex as a punishment when he was angry, or punishing me by deliberately turning me on and then turning over and ignoring me. (I should point out that this wasn't a case of him wanting sex then changing his mind or me pushing for it when he didn't want it, it was a case of him deliberately doing that to punish me for something I'd done.) So sometimes I think I went with it when I didn't really want it because maybe I figured "oh well, don't know if it'll last... he's being caring now... he's not punishing me now... I'm not feeling it but I guess I'll take it when I can." Silly I know, but there you go.

He also pushed and pushed (no pun intended) for anal sex. In a big way. Similar tactics like "such-and-such an ex did it with me. All guys like/want anal." etc, you get the picture. Again it was always "my fault" if it hurt me because I seemingly wasn't relaxed enough. And after I enjoyed it once, that was it, anal sex was to be permanently an option. "You know you enjoy it, we haven't in ages, why not, you like it too, you're just being uptight and frigid."

Menstruation was a bone of contention too. First he pushed for PIV sex when I was menstruating but to be honest, I think he was pretty squicked by it afterwards but was just horny and an a** so wanted it anyway. Then I was obligated to give him oral sex when I was menstruating. Then once anal sex was "on the table" that was expected when I was menstruating. Which was... Not trying to be funny but a total pain in the a**. Neither of us liked the mess from my menses and since we were in his parents' house and it was technically their bed linen and towels, it didn't seem fair to make a mess of it. So then I was to keep my underwear sort-of-on with a pad bu that just made me feel entirely unsexy and also scrunched up underwear isn't the most comfortable thing. So then he would pressure me to use tampons (which I really didn't like at the time. Still don't particularly.) even if I was coming towards the end of the period where the bleeding was lighter and a tampon was painful. One way or another, menstruating or not, he was getting something out of me.

Also, he had me operating under the "blue-balls" myth where it's apparently really painful. For some reason I never thought to suggest that he deal with it with his own hands. So that helped out with the guilt thing.

That's about all the examples I can think of just now but I've just realised I actually wrote quite a lot! Didn't even realise I had so many weird, messed-up reasons for freaked-out sex. For me I think it was the relationship and a lack of knowledge. The relationship I'm in now doesn't have any of those things, and I know it won't. So far we've been fortunate in that we've both basically wanted sex at the same times. That will change I'm sure as time passes (just because... statistics and probabilities or something, we can't always want it at the same time, we just probably haven't reached that time yet) and also when we're able to see each other more often. At the moment we've been having sex almost every time we see each other (barring my period, time constraints, tiredness, that sort of thing) but if we were seeing more of each other we'd probably be more likely to not always want sex at the same times, if that makes any sense at all. But I know it'd be just a conversation and whoever wanted it when the other didn't would just deal [Razz]

--------------------
~Ciara

"Sail on silver girl, sail on by. Your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way."

Posts: 40 | From: Scotland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
silvergirl_sailing_on
Activist
Member # 110025

Icon 1 posted      Profile for silvergirl_sailing_on     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Wow, I don't know what's wrong with my internet tonight but it's taken me over an hour to get that to post after typing it out!

--------------------
~Ciara

"Sail on silver girl, sail on by. Your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way."

Posts: 40 | From: Scotland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(Probably not your internet. One of our servers blew a drive this morning, so the site has been up and down as we get that repaired.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
silvergirl_sailing_on
Activist
Member # 110025

Icon 1 posted      Profile for silvergirl_sailing_on     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(Ah, that makes sense then. Although I did have a lot of tabs open- bad habit- and I noticed that as soon as I closed a youtube page which was loading a video it worked so maybe just a bandwidth issue. It's half nine at night where I am so I figure it's prime internet time too haha. Good to know though, thanks!)

--------------------
~Ciara

"Sail on silver girl, sail on by. Your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way."

Posts: 40 | From: Scotland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks for sharing with this, especially given the nature of what you shared. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
silvergirl_sailing_on
Activist
Member # 110025

Icon 1 posted      Profile for silvergirl_sailing_on     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're welcome, I figure I might as well get some use out of the whole debacle! [Razz]

--------------------
~Ciara

"Sail on silver girl, sail on by. Your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way."

Posts: 40 | From: Scotland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
acb
Activist
Member # 108645

Icon 1 posted      Profile for acb     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
From my experience, peer pressure is a massive part of it. I can vividly remember being 14/15 and having been dating my boyfriend for a year when my best friend told me, very earnestly, that I should hurry up and have sex with him because it was lame that we were taking so long and everyone else was doing it. In freshers week in uni, it was taken as read that everyone had already had sex by 17/18 and done things worthy of mention in drinking games - and all 10 people in my floor had. The one girl downstairs who hadn't and was saving herself for marriage is still seen as being profoundly weird.

I think I always remember seeing and talking about relationships as having sex in or leading towards sex. I can remember being 11 at a sleepover and all of us talking about the people we fancied and how old we thought we'd be before we had sex with them. It was years down the line for all of us, but even then, when we knew we were so unready for it, that's where things were aiming. In general, I think there is a lot more peer pressure to be sexually active than there is good information about being sexually active.


From my parents/ teachers/ responsible adults there was always hysteria about the oversexualisation of youth and teen pregnancies and STIs and how young people are basically inept at dealing with their own sexuality and sex lives whereas from the movies I watched and peers I talked to there was this hysteria about who was and who wasn't having sex or going out or cheating on who and there was just nothing calm going on at all in the whole scenario. Whatever you were doing, someone was giving you some reason to be freaking out. Perhaps that played a role too.

I feel super old and condescending having written that in the past tense but I feel like my more recent issues are included in silvergirl's post and although I do still freak out about sex its for specific survivor-of-abuse reasons, which is a bit different to my teenage panics.

[ 05-05-2014, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: acb ]

Posts: 49 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, this might be a really foolish question, and it's obviously not something you can answer for anyone but yourselves, but do you feel like, either of you (and obviously abuse dynamics complicate this immensely), you are not or were not very resilient to pressure?

In other words, that it was not easy to identify something as a kind of pressure, know it was not serving you, and was not something to comply with above your own wants and needs, and feel it, but say to hell with it?

Perhaps more shortly put, did/do you not feel very able to be rebellious/powerful per these pressures?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
acb
Activist
Member # 108645

Icon 1 posted      Profile for acb     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I read this just before I left the house and then spent an hour on the bus psychoanalysing myself so this may be a bit lengthy...

Now I think about it, it wasn't so much peer pressure for me as cultural expectations and how they changed my understanding of what sexuality was. I had a pregnancy scare the first time I had p&v sex despite knowing there was almost zero chance of me being pregnant. I think on some level that was because anyone else who was around me who had had p&v sex freaked out about pregnancy and I just sort of thought that was how the script went. It also felt sort of mature to be worried about a pregnancy. The second pregnancy scare I had was just after my first proper relationship ended, and again there was little to no chance of pregnancy. I think maybe I was freaking out that time because the breakup didn't seem like a big deal to people but a pregnancy scare did, so it was sort of a way of articulating the emotions I was feeling about the breakup. In those respects, I think I used the pregnancy scares to mean other emotional things, because of their social connotations.

When I started carving out what my sexual identity was, I think that what everyone expected of me made me confused about what I wanted. I knew I liked sex a lot and I knew I was bi and I knew I liked to stick it to the man and I knew I dug woman's rights but I wasn't a feminist because they were gross and wore birkenstocks. I think the pressure to not have sex caused me to rebel to the extent that I was having sex I wasn't totally into to prove I liked sex, was bi, stuck it to the man and was a sexually liberated woman and DEFINITELY NOT A FEMINIST because feminists don't have sex, obviously. But because there were all these big boxes I fitted into and felt I had to prove I fitted into, a lot of the time I hadn't hammered out the details of what I did and didn't actually want as an individual. That, I think, made me more susceptible to pressure because I didn't know where my boundaries were.

I do find now I sometimes offer to do things in my relationship I'm not sure I'd actually be OK with without any prompting. I think this is because I feel I should be extra accommodating due to the fact that being a queer feminist (I finally realised that the birkenstocks and celibacy were optional) survivor with a history of mental health problems is enough for someone to be dealing with without me also saying 'Well, I actually don't want anal sex.' I sometimes feel like I sometimes take up too much 'space' in the relationship but I'm realising that's because I sometimes have low expectations of how I deserve to be treated and also because I really do feel a lot of social pressure to be a 'cool girlfriend'. (I think for me this is a survivor thing, but I also think it is a woman thing.) It's rare that this happens though and now I know what I want it's so much easier for me to say and enforce what I do or don't want even though I might go bright red and take ten minutes to say it, I'll still say it eventually and get super fierce if I'm not listened to. If my partner ever took me up on one of my offers of doing something I didn't want, I'd take it back.

Going waaaaaay back to your original point of doing things that make you feel crappy rather than awesome, for me at various points sex wasn't about sex, it was about all the other social stuff that went around it which relates to sex, like sexual identity, sexual activity as a coming of age, sex as a thing of value in society... so even if sometimes I wasn't massively enjoying the sex or pregnancy scares, I still was down with the fact everyone knew I was bi, sexually liberal etc etc etc.

So basically... Resilience to pressure depends on how well I know myself, how well I know my own boundaries in that situation and the state of my own mental health at that time. Looking at where I stand in relation to social expectations/ narratives being internalised depends on how well I know myself and my own analytical tools. Expressing things contrary to either got better with practise and self belief but remains difficult unless I feel I am being attacked, in which case I get aggressive.

[ 05-06-2014, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: acb ]

Posts: 49 | From: UK | Registered: Oct 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
silvergirl_sailing_on
Activist
Member # 110025

Icon 1 posted      Profile for silvergirl_sailing_on     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Wow, tricky question! This could end up very long again. I think for me, in life in general before that relationship, I was fairly resistant to pressure to do things I didn't want to do. I would often make compromises to keep the peace but obviously compromising about day-to-day things is very different from compromising with sex that you don't want. In fact, knowing that that "strong" person was who I was before, I found it very difficult when that relationship ended to realise how much I had caved to pressure. In some ways that's been the hardest thing to deal with and it's one of the few parts of it that still gets to me. I really didn't like how easily I allowed myself to be controlled by someone else, especially when it had never been something I was "guilty" of in the past.

If I try to think about what the situation was like at the time, rather than thinking about it as I know it to have been now, I think I can see that I didn't realise I was being pressured. Some very skilful manipulation skills and a lot of lies mixed with my inexperience meant that I didn't really know it was pressure because I was manipulated into thinking it was what I wanted. Even though I was totally terrified. I suppose this could sound like I just regret what happened now that the relationship is over and am saying that I was pressured when I really wasn't, but I assure you it's not like that. After having been initially pressured into various sexual things, there were times in the relationship where I wanted those things. As messed up as this may sound, I would love to be able to say that all of the sexual activities I participated in in the relationship were pressured or forced on me, because I now see the guy for what he is and it kind of disgusts me that I couldn't see that at the time and that some of those times I chose to be sexually active with him but there's nothing to be done about it now.

In relation to the present, I would say I'm back to being a stronger person again. I'm not a backing-down type person, particularly when it's about something important to me, and for a while after the relationship ended, I was terrified I'd never get that back. But I think in reality, I never lost it, I was just so entirely controlled that I didn't realise I was being pressured by him. He manipulated me in such a way that, knowing my personality, he knew I would then pressure myself into doing what he wanted.

I've not had any need to see if I would be resilient to that type of pressure again but I'd like to think I would be, and I'd also hope I'd see it for what it was and get the heck out. My current partner knew about the abusive relationship before we even got together (although not the sexual part, that only came out for me myself about a month ago) and has I think been maybe even extra careful with making sure I'm alright with what we're doing. If anything I had to reassure him that I did want it! But it was a good feeling because the abusive relationship was the only serious relationship and the only sexual relationship I'd ever had, so it's nice to be in a serious, sexual relationship with an actually healthy dynamic. I know my current partner wouldn't pressure me, but I do think that if I did feel pressured, I would be able to deal with it much better. I also wonder if perhaps I'd been in a serious relationship which was sexual and healthy before the abusive one, that might have helped me to identify the abusive one as unhealthy. As it was, I believed everything I was told about sex and relationships and whatever else. Led to a very interesting break-up let me tell you. (The breakup happened for an entirely different reason and in a way it still saddens me that I didn't get out "just" because it was abusive but still.) Aside from the fact I was absolutely devastated, the sense of power I got back doing that was amazing. My folks didn't want me to see him again but I had some messed up sense of not dumping someone by phone or text or whatever. In reality I can see that that's a courtesy you offer someone you're breaking up with for normal reasons like... drifting apart or something. Abusers don't deserve the courtesy. But I'm still glad I did it that way, because after everything he'd put me through for a year and a half, he had to sit there in his room while I listed off as many of the things he'd done to me as I could think of, presented him with research on all his lies (even geeked out with a breakup haha), screamed at him about how relationships were meant to be built on trust and that love didn't matter if there was no trust and that I would never be able to trust him again, packed the stuff that I had at his house and for the first time ever actually stood up to him and won. I managed to ignore the crying (crocodile tears?) and the begging and the promises to change and the suicide threats and see it all for the act it was. And he still tried to blame me for it going wrong. Which gave me several opportunities to scream "no, you lied, you stole the money, you ruined this, not me." I've totally gone off track with this but I think I'm just trying to say that maybe I never lost my ability to be powerful and strong, he just pushed it aside a bit. I actually feel quite powerful writing this and maybe that's sad but I don't even mind. It makes me feel good to know that even if I fail in all the things I want to do in life, and even if he succeeds (doubtful, he lives a parasitic lifestyle and has ridiculously unrealistic goals for someone so d*mn lazy) that I will still be a better person than he is.

Wow... That felt good. If it didn't answer the question please feel free to reign me in!

--------------------
~Ciara

"Sail on silver girl, sail on by. Your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way."

Posts: 40 | From: Scotland | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The first sex - over a period of time, not one event - I had freaked me out, although not the all-consuming panic you're perhaps asking about, and no pregnancy-risk sex or fears. It was coerced by my then-boyfriend, so how much choice I had is a bit of a murky issue, but it definitely felt like my overall choices in it were mine. The entire reason I felt uncomfortable and a bit freaked out was the too-fast pace and coercion. I felt ready to start a sexual relationship with someone and I was really up for maybe doing those things, just at a slower pace. It moved lightning-fast for then-me, and whenever I said no he stopped and then started doing whatever it was again a couple of minutes later. I wanted a sexual relationship, but I didn't want it like that.

I Really wanted a sexual relationship. Why? First, just the thing that I think is fairly common and simple: sexual feelings and interest. I really wanted to start experiencing some kind of partnered sexuality.

I'm a survivor of child abuse, and sex-related anything was argggg throughout my early and mid teens. By this point, I'd been dealing, healing and in counselling for a while and was most of the way through my immediate healing journey. It felt So Good to not feel messed-up about anything sex-related any more, to feel like I could now do and be at wherever I would be naturally in myself. I felt like the effects of the abuse had put huge clouds over a few years and I just wanted me and my life back the way I wanted it. I didn't want Anything to get in the way of that. I was going to do whatever the hell I wanted (consensual and safe would almost go without saying, but maybe I should still say so at Scarleteen and in a story like this).

There was a lot wrong in my household; there were very few times I was anything like happy or happily doing something I enjoyed. I was used to layers of unhappiness and stress over anything I might enjoy, so I think I barely noticed that kind of wrongness: it was normal. I would have been completely aware of anything that was simply Bad or Scary and wholly chosen not to be anywhere near it. But anything that was ambiguous? Anything that was fun or good, or that I wanted, that also came with some kind of down-side or unpleasantness? In milder versions, I would barely have noticed and not thought anything of it. In harsher versions, I was well aware something was bad and I was unhappy, but I held onto the thing I wanted. Obviously there's a tipping point where the bad - or possible bad consequences - outweigh the good and I get out, but that tipping point is in the severely bad range. I would put up with an unreasonable amount of bad to have just a tiny bit of something good or something I wanted. There was very little good stuff in my life and nearly all of what there was came with unpleasant layers, so it's natural to learn to grab poison-laced cake crumbs and be so happy you have bits of cake, if you believe it's not deadly poison.

There was a fair amount of restriction in my life from my parents. I was used to seeing people around me have or do things that I wasn't allowed and couldn't, or were just so far removed from my world I couldn't imagine having it. I learned not to even think of things that weren't already part of my world. My sexual life was something that hadn't ever involved my parents, so here was something that was untouched by that screwed-up learning. It was an aspect of my life - probably the only aspect - that I felt free to decide on, explore myself and have as Mine, without shackles in my own mind. That was incredible, awesome and wonderful, and I was So Excited. I wanted it So Much, and it was the Best Thing Ever.

My mum walked in on me and then-boyfriend in a very tame situation and then later she and my dad started to talk to me about it. I don't remember them coming from the angle of checking how I felt about what we were doing - they were just concerned that we were doing it at all and concerned about me, especially as I was an abuse survivor. They seemed anti and disapproving about anything sex-related from the start, I already did not trust them to take genuine care of me, I was mortifyedly embarrassed and angry that they thought they got an opinion on what I did in private with my body, so I told them - mildly less rudely but just as firmly - to sod off and that I was perfectly capable of deciding what was or wasn't good for me and I was Good. They made a no-sex-in-their-house rule, which I respected but did not respect them for. Yet again, more restriction that actively hindered me from developing a safe and normal life. Some of the things I chose because of upholding the no-sex-in-the-house rule I was profoundly uncomfortable with, too, but again, I Wanted what I Wanted and I got it in the best way left available to me. Their opposition and disapproval set me more strongly on a path of pursuing it and made me shut off my own uncertainties more. (I don't want that to sound like a stereotypical defiant-teen thing. I seriously doubt how much that's even a thing anyway. It was my experience that my parents blocked me from and/or disapproved of a whole bunch of essential and healthy social-related things, so going against them when I thought it was best was necessary for my well-being. And this was one of the few areas I knew how to go against their wishes.) When you're already dealing with and fighting down other people's disapproval and disagreement, there's just no space left for your own; if you're going to disagree with them, you have to put your whole self into that, no room for your own doubt or questions.

For sex, or for anything, nobody had clued me in that sometimes we might want it for some reasons but not want it for others. I had no way of understanding or recognising the uncomfortable feelings as feelings that indicated "I don't want this" while I also had feelings that I Did want it. I also had no life experience that suggested I could put aside something I wanted until more about it was right, because that had never happened. Have to take what you want while you can, else it's gone, and even if it's still around in the future, nothing's changed with the accompanying not-good.

Oh, and the option of pursuing something sexual with someone who wasn't coercive? Didn't occur to me. I didn't realise that Was coercive, because I'd never heard of consent and coercion in the right ways - I mean, he stopped immediately every time I said no, and seemed so sweet and caring all round. It also didn't occur to me because I wasn't aware that anyone else had ever been interested in me that way, and I didn't know that they could be.

I'm not sure if any of that can be useful outside of my own specifically peculiar situation, but maybe some of the broad features of it can.

I'm also aware that some of the framing of sex here is unhealthy and messed-up. It's a pretty faithful representation of where my thoughts were then. I don't see things that way now.

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3