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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Waiting for marriage....kind of.

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Author Topic: Waiting for marriage....kind of.
Executive Director & Founder
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You guys, can we have some candid -- and non-judgy -- discussion about saving sex for marriage, but not actually doing that, exactly, and what that tends to result in?

We have had a lot of posts around this from folks over the last handful of years, and I'd love for us to see what we can do to dig a bit deeper. Watching some of you suffer around this just hurts my heart like nobody's business.

In a word, here is one common situation around this we see or have reported to us by users:
- Users report wanting to save sex until marriage
- Users report engaging in some kind of sex that is sex, but that they feel doesn't "count" as sex, like fingering or handjobs, oral sex or anal sex. (This gets doubly complicated by us often being asked to also not call these other activities sex in our discussions in some way, despite that being something we really can't do, because from both a medical and sexology framework, these things are sex.)
- Users report feeling like crap in a whole bunch of ways, from tons of pregnancy scares, to feelings of guilt and shame.
- Users also often report being unable to talk to anyone in person about these situations they are struggling with, most often because everyone around them insists they have to wait (even though most, if not all of those people, did not wait themselves, or are doing similar things, but are not telling either).

In other words, this thing some folks aim to do not only obviously doesn't fit what they are actually doing, but also seems to result, pretty much entirely, most of the time, in people feeling really, really bad, fearful, scared and crappy in oh so many ways. And that's not even touching on the higher rates of unintended pregnancy and STIs that tend to happen amoung folks in this kind of spot.

Has this been you or is it now? Or some people around you? Can we start really talking about this in a supportive way, trying to work out what changes to this frame, or other ways of going about it, when it is what someone (maybe you) wants, but when it only or mostly seems to be making you feel scared and awful instead of empowered and positive?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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