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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Being judged by male friends (slutshaming a non-slut)

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Author Topic: Being judged by male friends (slutshaming a non-slut)
Member # 95584

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Let me preface this by saying I only have one female friend. The rest of my friend base is male, mostly because the activities I enjoy tend to be male-dominated. I really don't mind. I like the guys and think that, in general, they have less drama than girls.

Doesn't mean they don't judge just as much.

I generally dress pretty modestly...I don't like flashing cleavage (nothing wrong with it, just not for me) and I'm picky about hemlines. Still, I'm a big fan of lace. I like lace tops: lace turlenecks, lace henleys, lace tees, whatever, you name it. Last Saturday I was wearing a navy blue lace tee with a navy blue bra underneath. It was reasonably close-knit lace, and the tee was not form fitting. One of my male friends commented, saying "Heh. Have you been wearing that all day? No one's said anything?"
I was shocked. I felt that the lace pattern, if anything, broke up my figure. The outline of my bra was not clear and there wasn't any real cleavage. What the hell is the big deal? This is a guy who has seen me in a push-up bikini (spring break).

I guess it upset me because we (me and "the guys") pretty frequently comment on ladies we see, find attractive, or are dressed in various ways. There is very little slutshaming in this, it's just dudes being dudes. Most of the time.
I don't get how he can act totally respectful toward a girl with her boobs half out, but then seems shocked that I find a "sheer" garment acceptable.

What's his reasoning? What do you think? Anyone else have stuff like this happen?

Posts: 3 | From: Alaska | Registered: Apr 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Have you ever read Leora Tenenbaum's "Slut: Growing Up with a Bad Reputation?" If not, I'd highly recommend it.

One thing she talks about throughout in that book that's very apt is that the whole idea of "sluts" and treating people like sluts really isn't usually about anyone's sexual behaviour. People who get called/labeled slut are rape victims, people with developmental disabilities, outcasts...people who often haven't engaged in any kind of sex at all. Making someone a "slut" is really mostly about powerplays and isolating them, setting them apart in a way that can be pretty powerful around gender inequities.

So, I don't know if this was really about slutshaming, but even if it was, I don't know what a "slut" or a "non-slut" is, you know?

That all said, I trust your gut feelings and instincts, especially with people you know well, and if you felt upset, I'm sure it was with reason. But can you maybe tell me how this felt disrespectful to you, or less respectful than other women he might have commented on who...well, I guess, you are expressing dress less modestly than you?

(If I'm being obtuse, my apologies, just feeling a little lost with some of this and trying to get a read on it.)

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Burdened with glorious booty
Member # 93241

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Maybe it's because, to them, you're "one of the guys"? Like, they're so used to thinking of you as being one of them that when they get even slightly reminded that you're a girl, they start to freak out? Being quite tomboyish myself, with lots of male friends, it's often the case that they'd be talking about girls and making comments that may or may not be appropriate, and I'd have to remind them that they actually have a girl in their presence, so can they tone it down please?


Posts: 130 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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