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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Hook-UP/Friends with Benefits

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Author Topic: Hook-UP/Friends with Benefits
breath
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Hi Guys,

I just wanted to get your feedback in this scenario.

A guy meets girl in school. Guy already says that he has a girlfriend. Guy and girl becomes friendly , talk and then start sharing a bed, cuddling, and touching each other sexually. Guy and girl get aroused also, but girl is religious/virgin and both are from same cultural background so intercourse isn't really on the cards. messing around is fine.


From an outside, is it not something alarming that the guy 'does stuff' with girl (they share a bed 2x a week ) even though he has a girlfriend permanent? Does it seem like he's someone whose is healthy/secure/confident etc as in healthy relationships, it is often rare for one person to share such intimate moments with another girl outside of girlfriend?

THe other possibilty is that that guy doesn't have a GF, and just uses that as an excuse as some girls like that- it makes guy more attractive and less emotional investment required for an affair...

[ 01-31-2011, 01:11 AM: Message edited by: breath ]

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Yakri
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Ok, so in the case of the first possibility.

Although some people have more open/flexible relationships, if he's doing this behind his girlfriends back and breaking their relationship boundaries (i.e. cheating on her), then it really doesn't seem like he's the kind of person who could handle a healthy relationship right there.

I don't think it's exactly weird (maybe unusual in our culture) for a guy to share intimate moments with someone other than his girlfriend, but only in the context of hugging/cuddling/having deep conversations, etc. Anything sexual, unless it's something the other person they are in a relationship with is ok with and has knowledge of, is, well, not really a good thing.

In the second case, then it sounds like he's lying about having a girlfriend in order to get sexual intimacy out of a girl while avoiding having a relationship with them, if they want that too, then fine I suppose, but it definitely doesn't make me think he'd be someone you'd want to be with for a healthy relationship.


If you think I sound like I'm being a bit mild, it's because I'm trying to be objective, and keeping in mind the fact that just because someone does bad things, it doesn't make them a bad person.


Just my two cents.

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breath
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don't you think that this is being 'sexual' --touching gential areas (even with clothes on etc), etc. additionally, these individuals are in this situation because of their gender...they wouldn't do this (they are both straight) with a similiar same-sex person.

[ 01-31-2011, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: breath ]

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CoatRack
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I guess the thing that's throwing me off with this topic is that with either of those scenarios is not "friends with benefits" or "hooking up" but lying and/or really poor communication.

Friends with benefits I'm fine with. With honesty and clear communication it can be a lot of fun. But that is now what you're describing. I am not going to pass judgment on whether he is secure or confident because I don't know the entire situation.

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breath
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Thanks Andy. This is not my situation, i am only talking about this here because I am trying to understand/shape my worldview on this scenario. Is this normal and healthy? If not, what about it is not healthy/normal and what factors would have to be there for something like this to be good, healthy etc?
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breath
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please educate me so i can identify healthy dynamics. i feel that in life, it's very easy to be in such 'problematic/unhealthy situations, but harder to find something that's healthy...but maybe once i learn what's good and healthy--it maycome!
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Karybu
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In this scenario, if the guy does have a girlfriend, and they have not agreed to an open relationship, then he's being dishonest with her - cheating, basically. That doesn't make for a healthy relationship; he's breaking an agreement with a partner, which isn't trustworthy behaviour.

If he doesn't have a girlfriend and is lying about that, then that demonstrates as well that he isn't trustworthy - lying doesn't happen in healthy relationships. People communicate with each other, talk to each other about what they need and want, and tell the truth.

Have you looked at any of these articles? They might help you figure out a bit more what a healthy relationship dynamic looks like.

Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship
Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models
Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

Does that help at all?

[ 01-31-2011, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: Karybu ]

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