Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Liberty from the virginity tree

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Liberty from the virginity tree
SomethingRandom19
Neophyte
Member # 51944

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SomethingRandom19     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, I know I've been posting a lot lately, but this forum is just really addicting and it's just encouraging me to ask about everything I've always wondered about.

Firstly, I want whoever is reading this to be familiar with me and my mentality before answering this so they can know exactly where I'm coming from. You see, I'm a 17 year old Canadian/Moroccan who's been living in Morocco for the past three years. Unlike many others around here, I'm very liberal and open about sexuality and everything in general. Nevertheless, I have grown up in a fairly liberal family but still kept traditions and followed religious rules. I am a proud Muslim, but I'm definitely not a fanatic of any kind. I practice my religion to the best of my abilities, but I also decide to live my life the way I want to as long as whatever I do is ethical.

However, religion forbids pre-marital sex. Oh yeah, and any kind of sexual activity, whether it's manual, anal, or oral sex. So far, I've given and received manual and oral sex. I know it's not right, but I want to experience life for myself and try out new things. Honestly, I don't find anything wrong with that. Anyway, recently I've been reading about virginity and all these kinds of myths about the corona on this site and it's really inspired me to think for myself when it comes to these kinds of things as opposed to listening to the people who believe that a woman is devalued automatically when she loses her virginity. I just don't find it morally correct to label a woman as a bitch or a whore just because she succumbed to her NATURAL needs and desires. And to boot, who's business is it anyway what someone decides to do with their bodies, right?

So, as a declaration of my independence, I want to lose my virginity. I'm not in a rush though, but I do intend on doing it before marriage, because honestly, I'm kind of a bit too horny to keep waiting that long, haha. But I'm not trying to lose it just to prove something, but also to finally liberate myself from all this sexual build up and live life according to how I define it myself. That's step one. Step two is me losing it to a friend of mine...

--------------------
-

"Ce que femme veut, Dieu veut."

- Anonyme

Posts: 14 | From: Where camels roam the land | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
breath
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 50014

Icon 1 posted      Profile for breath     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Dear Somethingrandom,

I also come from a non-Morroccon but Muslim background, so I can relate to the religious/cultural ideas about virginity. It is important to understand that however, it is not just Muslims or muslim youth that feels that they have grown up with 'sexual built up" Many of my friends from various parts of the world, including certain large communities in US, who come from non-muslim backgrounds also can related and talk about feelings similar feelings about sexuality, virginity, and the taboo/forbidness.

It may be helpful for you to go through this site and read about other posts/articles that talk about virginity is a social concept without any ridgit definations and that there is nothing to "loose". It is also important that often times, liberation "from all this sexual built up" is not going to disappear by having vaginal intercourse with someone, but rather is something that many people are able to "liberate" themselves from , after months and months of close examinatino of their childhood/cultural beliefs, where they come from, by talking to other supportive people, etc.

Posts: 357 | From: US | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CoatRack
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 50455

Icon 1 posted      Profile for CoatRack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Crawling out from underneath systems of oppression that encourage secrecy and taboo around sexuality, particularly female sexuality, can be an awesome, empowering, liberating experience. But that doesn't mean that you have to have sex in order to demonstrate that liberation. You are certainly welcome to have sex if you are in a relationship and you agree that it is the right time and would be a healthy and fun thing to do, but you don't have to have sex to show you no longer believe that virginity is essential to being healthy or whole.

It worries me a little that you said that you "know it's not right" that you have engaged in oral and manual sex. What isn't right about that?

--------------------
Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

Posts: 441 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SomethingRandom19
Neophyte
Member # 51944

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SomethingRandom19     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Andy, thanks for the insight! [Smile]

And in answer to your question, I meant that it wasn't right in a religious context. Trust me, personally, I don't believe that there's anything wrong with doing any of those things, because that's my prerogative. But if we were to look at this situation from a religious person's POV, then it would definitely be wrong (and sinful!)

I also understand and agree when you speak about not having to have sex to prove my point. I don't think I meant it like that. What I mean is that I'm choosing to live life my own way and make my own decisions. However, I want to have sex but I feel like it's not going to be how I'm generally "supposed to". I know everybody has different experiences, but I'm choosing to have sex with a friend of mine. He is partly the reason why I've decided to take life in my own hands and be free. He brings out my crazy side. The side I've been yearning to discover for years because I've always played it safe. In any case, I think this subject is for a post in a different area. I'm just going to post my situation up as soon as I finish my homework. [Smile]

--------------------
-

"Ce que femme veut, Dieu veut."

- Anonyme

Posts: 14 | From: Where camels roam the land | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CoatRack
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 50455

Icon 1 posted      Profile for CoatRack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ah, thanks for the clarification.

Considering the first time I had sex with a guy the entire justification was "I've never done it before and I'm curious" so I asked one of my guy friends if he'd be willing? I can't really say "no, that's a terrible idea" I will say, though, that I have since slept with men who, you know, I was actually sexually attracted to and the sex was a lot better. I had also had a number of female sexual partners by that time, so he was not my first sexual partner.

--------------------
Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

Posts: 441 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SomethingRandom19
Neophyte
Member # 51944

Icon 1 posted      Profile for SomethingRandom19     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, I mean, I'm actually really sexually attracted to the guy I want to sleep with. He's a good friend of mine but he's also the type of friend who I can preform oral on, and then go grab a bite to eat with, you know? We have a really easy going open friendship that enables us to do anything we want and still feel comfortable. I've always been curious as to what sex has to offer, but I'm definitely not raising my expectations so high for a first time. I just feel like if I can lose it to him, there wouldn't be any emotional debt or pain associated with it because he is a good friend and I rather lose it to someone who I don't have much of a strong emotional attachment to (like I would have for a boyfriend) and so there would be no harm gone. I don't know, is that a good idea?

--------------------
-

"Ce que femme veut, Dieu veut."

- Anonyme

Posts: 14 | From: Where camels roam the land | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CoatRack
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 50455

Icon 1 posted      Profile for CoatRack     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Nobody can tell anybody whether any kind of sex is a "good" or "bad" idea; and with only the facts provided on an internet forum it's even harder. The only thing we can do is provide our own anecdotal evidence and/or links to articles and such. I know that if the guy I slept with had been my first sexual experience that I probably would have been disappointed.

[ 01-09-2011, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: CoatRack ]

--------------------
Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

Posts: 441 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
SomethingRandom: I saw this post last night right before I packed it in for the day, and decided not to answer it then because I wanted to think about it.

I read it the way that Andy did, that having sex for you was an active rebellion against the standards being pushed on you. And I asked myself if, in your position and at your age, I'd be feeling and reacting the same way. And the only answer I could come up with was "Hell yes, I would." I've always had a rebellious nature, one far less tempered earlier than it is now, and if I grew up around what you're in now, I feel pretty positive I'd be reacting that way.

That said, and hopefully without being a patronizing arse, I like to think I have some perspectives now I didn't 20 years ago that might hopefully help you out here. Maybe they won't, but I'll toss them out anyway just in case.

I think it can be so tough to make good choices about something when you have someone or something external to you -- a person, a religion, and most certainly a whole culture -- telling you what import that thing has to you. It's hard to sort out how we really feel when we're given little to no room to do that. Clearly, you dispute the import virginity has been given in your culture and the place it's coming from (as you know, so do I). So, you know you're not in alignment there.

The tricky thing then, is sorting out what sex -- the first time or the 21st time -- may or may not mean to you, separate from that. It may be that having sex outside of marriage or at your age or at this time isn't very personally meaningful to or for you. Or, it may be that it is, but just in a very different way and for different reasons than your culture is prescribing. The goal, then, I'd say, is to try and figure out what your own feelings are, and to do your best to make sure they're your feelings, earnestly, not just a reaction to what is being pushed unto you. Do you know what I mean?

It sounds like you have a pretty cool relationship with this person. But at the same time, I'd also check in about the import you're putting on intercourse yourself, which I think may also be more in alignment with your culture than you realize, because it's those norms/dogma that present it as something huge when, in fact, from a physical standpoint for people with vulvas, it's usually not all-that at all, and can even be awfully disappointing when it's new. So, you might want to ask yourself how you'd feel if something that in some sense was a big rebellion wound up being something that felt like nothing or maybe even made you feel crummy, disconnected to this other person, or disconnected to yourself. It might not, mind, it might feel awesome, but I think it's wise, particularly in this context, to make sure you think about how you might feel if it didn't.

If you two have been having other kinds of sex already, you do have some information to work with here, because oral sex IS also sex, so you do already know some of what it can be like. That's also information you can consider here.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3