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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Is there a required minimum quota for risk-taking?

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Author Topic: Is there a required minimum quota for risk-taking?
A person
Member # 51550

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First of all I'd like to say that this website has been the best sex-help site for me ever and it has really made the subject a lot easier.

But, now I'm a little confused. It's this article here:

You'd have to read the whole thing to understand what I'm talking about, but the ending is what is confusing to me:

"I'm willing to bet that what was most likely was just that your partner was a bit ignorant when it came to women's bodies and vaginal fluids. If that's the case, that obviously is HIS problem, and it's pretty unfortunate he made it about you, or made you feel bad because of it. But all male partners aren't that ignorant, and now that you know the scoop, should you wind up with one who is, you can fill him in!"

What is this article saying the boyfriend should have done? Is it saying that he should have continued having sex with her?

The Anonymous girl only said that he "stopped". She didn't say anything about the manner in which he did it. If he had said something like,

"Ew, this is gross, get away from me!"

Then that would certainly be a little extreme and mean-spirited. But the person responding didn't know if he said that. For all we know, it could have happened like this:

Boyfriend: ...what is that?
Girlfriend: Hmmm, I don't know.
Boyfriend: Ok I'm really sorry, but I don't feel really comfortable with this, I'm going to have to stop.

What I'm asking here is; is it ignorant or "a problem" of a boy (or girl I guess) to halt intercourse when something unknown and/or unpleasant [smelling] comes up? That there's a minimum amount of dare and riskiness that you have to have? Because from my point of view, that's what this article seems to be saying.

I've read several other articles on this site that strongly say that if you're not comfortable, it's best to stop. That many times-together will be messed-up, dispatched or stopped, and that's okay because that's how we learn to get along, satisfy everyone's needs and make it more enjoyable.

Sooooo sorry to be so picky about this stuff, I just really want to know what the smarter path here is.

Posts: 4 | From: America | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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No need to be sorry at all! I'm glad you asked.

I would not disagree, at all, that this reason -- like any reason -- is a totally fine reason for stopping sexual activity if that's what someone wants to do.

What would have been ideal in a situation like this, though, would have been for that person's partner to say that HE was uncomfortable, rather than that something was wrong with his partner (she said he said it was smelly and bad), especially since what he was likely looking at was her normal body functions.

Hopefully, too, if that person was able to take a minute and check in with themselves, if they discovered they just didn't feel ready to be that intimate with someone where they were seeing body fluids, they were also thereafter able to be clear they needed to hold off on sex until they *did* feel ready for that, and that again, that was their issue, not about the other person.

Know what I mean?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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