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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Possible Trigger. Awful opinions of my mum.

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Author Topic: Possible Trigger. Awful opinions of my mum.
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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I wasn't sure which forum to put this in. It's about consent but also my relationship with my boyfriend Phil and my mum's views of me and the world (not nice).

The first time I had sex with my current boyfriend Phil he asked me if I wanted to move to having intercourse, I said no. He said 'I can't believe you said no.' And all our passion went. So I freaked out thinking that I was wrong to say no, because I've had many sexual partners before so why not him... I know I made a mistake there. So to regain closeness (I hoped, another mistake, we should have spoken more, like: 'I have a right to say No, Phil.') I lay on top of him and moved my vulva on his penis, and he said he was getting mixed signals. So I said I said 'no' because he didn't love me (I'd asked before, I know it was another mistake explaining) and he said it was too soon to tell if he loved me and was acting like I'd consented to penis-in-vagina intercourse, and he said 'so you want to, yeah?'

We had penis-in-vagina intercourse then, it was horrible, I take responsibilty for not setting the boundaries though after my first 'no.' I know I shouldn't have shared an experience I didn't want to share. I should have told him I just wanted to rub my glans against his. But I felt I was teasing him, foolishly, the intercourse we had was a mistake. He then adopted this attitude that I hate of 'see we had intercourse and everything turned out just fine, the relationship's still here, you worry too much.' He thought he was being nice but I feel so patronised it makes me angry.

It was the same with deciding to have a relationship, I wanted to get to know him first, he thought I was being silly and 'worrying to much'. I kept on saying it, he said 'this, again?' I explained that my ex had been abusive so I preferred to be careful and he told me not to blame him for my past. The same with touching my body sexually. I said I prefered him to ask beforehand, as he did when we first began having sex together. He said 'we've been together ages now, I know what you like, surely I can just, go there?' He also said no when I asked him to use the word 'breasts' if he wanted to speak about my breasts, not any other words (if he had to meantion my chest at all, as I do not like it to be part of my sex life.) He said I was making too many rules in the relationship. There's been so many arguements, and they all seem to be about consent as I type them...


That time with our first penis-in-vagina intercourse was two years ago and we are still together and I feel awful. I told my mum (foolishly) and she said 'you said yes, so what's the problem? You were being extremely confusing to him. Where I come from and back in my day, girls (generalisations! Made me angry too) were strong and clear about consent, you need to get a backbone or I fear for your generation.' Now I feel about a hundred time worse, thanks mum.

Then she said something next, she said: 'Stop trying to ram your opinions about consent down my throat. You're always being 'thought police' about sex and the body. Not everything you think is best for the world. Some people love being viewed as sex objects, they can't all be YOU.' (I know sexual objectifation is a different issue but another thing I get passionate about so she added it).

I replyed by saying Scarleteen was the best thing for the world! But she said (being unable to use a computer no less!) it was 'probably for young kids who didn't have confidence, not a 22 year old.' Made me feel awful. Just have this pain in my stomach. I know what she's like though, I shouldn't have told her ANYTHING. She uses it as ammo.

I apologise on her behalf for her ignorance about your work. I love you Scarleteen. So much. Thank you from the bottom of my soul for being a lighthouse for me in all this. You're like angels if you believe in them.

I really hate it when someone feels that they have a solution to what's best for 'everyone' and presents just one single rule, where Scarleteen involves and includes everyone. And then they say 'yeah but I'm entitiled to my opinion' and say I lack any confidence for feeling hurt by them 'disagreeing'.

Phil is exactly the same as my mum. I feel so trapped between the two of them. We have had arguements about consent before about him tricking someone into removing their clothes as part of a card game (which he rigged) and then said it was fine because the person in question seemed desperate to remove them and was laughing when they recieved the cards that meant they were losing the game and had to take of clothes. He didn't know this person, there was no discussion of consent and many other people in the shed where it happened. I felt like Phil was bragging to me about it, he said 'yeah, I got someone naked'. I just felt so weird that he could do something like that to someone. It runs through my head when we kiss. Our sex life is wonderful now, but I can't help thinking of these things before, afterwards or during. He's so sweet, but there's all these awful things.

Another arguement was about an internet video in which someone tried to get people to take their shirts off by threatening to feed a chick to a snake. He found that hilarious and I can't change his mind. I explained how I felt and he got more adamant that it was 'just fun'. He says its just 'opinion'. I'm in the process of changing the relationship between him and I to something less intense, I can't carry on the way it is, I feel completely without support and ineffectual.

I think I just posted this to vent, it's not a question or anything. Thanks for letting me, I do feel much better having said this. You angels Scarleteen, every person on here, you're voices of hope and inspiration for life. Angel Heather, thank you, thank you, thank you. <3

[ 12-24-2010, 02:08 PM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

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'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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Sorry, double postie.

[ 12-24-2010, 11:48 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I know you said this was just something you needed to vent (and I'm so glad we can give you what you need, thanks for saying such lovely things), but if you do want to talk about any of this, we can certainly do that with you.

It sounds like you're in a couple really difficult spots, so we'd be happy to help support you as we can.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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I think I would like to talk about it. I know my mum's just crazy really and says things for a reaction, so that doesn't matter as much. But the things with my boyfriend hurt. Everyone says leave if you're not happy but all I'm doing is not speaking to him as much while I figure it out, he's so much fun at other times, and so loving. I just sent text to say that we aren't fighting that's all the contact we've had in ages. The space is good.

The things about opinion hurt too. I hate the 'thought police' thing. Phil said 'you're opinions shouldn't be anything to do with anyone else.' One minute I feel angry and patronised, the next I'm scared I'm too opinionated...

[ 12-24-2010, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Too, so, so many adult people haven't unpacked and worked through their own sexuality and relationship issues, that a lot of times, they'll -- make that we'll! -- project our own issues unto younger people. That doesn't make it okay, but it happens, and I suspect that that's where some of what your Mom is saying may be coming from, if that helps.

It does sound like the relationship with your boyfriend has some real reasons for having pause with it.

Some of the stuff in his past is certainly troubling, especially if he doesn't see that it is. And since it sounds like he's coerced you in some ways in the present, it also seems like maybe it's not...well, all that in the past, either. Sounds like some of it still exists in the present, and that gives me concern for you.

But the biggest tip for me is hearing you say that you feel trapped. If and when we feel stuck or trapped in a relationship, then we've gotten to a place where we probably aren't feeling like we're fully choosing to be in it anymore, and that's a big problem.

Want to say a little about this feeling of feeling trapped, and what you think that's about?

(Just a little heads-up: I don't celebrate these holidays, but my partner has clearly been missing them, so doing a surprise with friends this afternoon for him. So, I'll be cooking and such off and on for the next few hours. I'll have my laptop with me, but may be a little on and off, so this may turn out to be a talk we have over the next few days, rather than all in one chunk.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

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Hi Heather sorry Christmas just snuck up on me! Hope you're suprise went well! Everytime the Pogues song comes on I've been thinking of you because you said you liked it a while back! [Smile]

It helps about my mum, thank you. But what you said about my boyfriend really, really, really helps. I've always been so scared that I'm over-reacting. But you've helped so much. I think I feel trapped because I feel that if I leave over this, what if it's a mistake? I know that's silly, because relationships do end, and I'm concerned for myself while I'm in it, and what he's done to others before and his attitude to consent make me feel awful.

I'll be okay, it's just I feel like nobody loves me, and Christmas with Phil is better than Christmas with family (my dad is so in love with my mum (they're separated, she doesn't love him) that she's managed to turn him against me, so I ended up at Phil's instead. I don't see Phil in the same light anymore, I think it may just be friendship and attraction rather than love.

I know I have the power to change mine and his relationship though - to something less intense or nonexistant. We've talked about these things I'm struggling with about him so much. It won't change and I'm scared I'm making him worse by saying that it's wrong (he said right and wrong are 'just words'). I should just go, but it seems like such a lonely world out there; I live on my own in a city with no real friends, but I can make them! It's just breaking out of a few comfort zones at a time, I think. I know there's an amazing world out there. Fear, loneliness and self-doubt is just making me feel I should stay with him, just like when I can't take our relationship anyomore, I go to my mum's house. This pattern I'v got into is harmful I think.

Hope you had a fantastic day yesterday. [Smile]

[ 12-26-2010, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: RaeRay2112 ]

--------------------
'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, the older I get, the more that I find two things about the concern that if we choose to end a relationship, it could be a mistake.

The first is that when I look back, I can't find a single time when I gave things a lot of thought and wanted to end or radically change a relationship when it was a mistake. In hindsight, I can go over every concerted choice I wanted to make like that and made and see it was the right thing to do. The conclusion I draw from that is that when we feel like we need to get out of something, it's usually because we do.

The other thing is that if and when it's not the right thing, or if and when something ends that could have been good, it usually finds a way of being it's own kind of good later. Like, later down the road, we try again. Or, we wind up developing a friendship that was even better than the romance we had. Or, we get someone who really isn't good for us out of our lives and wind up paving the way for someone who is.

And my sense is, that isn't just about my own life at all: that seems to be how it goes for folks, for the most part. So, I say to trust your instincts and to trust your head.

It's great that you're able to be so clear on the fact that you recognize a lot of why you're staying has to do with fear of being on your own and having to do things, like make friends, that involves stepping outside your comfort zone. So many people in that spot can't see it or won't, and then they do wind up stuck. It sucks that you're in that space, for sure, but I have a feeling you can work it out to get out of it and feel a lot better.

I hope you had a good day yesterday, too. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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