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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » The "Evil" Deathgrip

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Author Topic: The "Evil" Deathgrip
Ashlie
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Okay so my partner and I just began to have sex but apparently to his standards I am "loose"

I read here that being like that is normal and that I am very aroused which it true,he on the other hand is used to masturbating with a tight grip and I feel like I cannot compete with that.

Does it change anything that he was a virgin?
Anyways how do I improve or change our sex life where it is both enjoyable for the two of us?

Please help.
: /

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Natalie H
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Have you explained to him that the fact that you're 'loose' is just natural, and in fact is a sure sign that you're enjoying yourself? How about you take a look at these articles, and maybe you could have your partner read them too:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/a_few_choice_words_about_tightness
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/is_my_vagina_really_loose

I couldn't really find one specific to this situation, but maybe Heather can come and help you out if you need more back up.

If he really wants tightness, you two could perform manual sex to meet that request. Vaginal intercourse isn't necessarily the kind of sex that feels best to everyone, different individuals prefer different things.

[ 09-25-2010, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: Natalie H ]

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Bicycle? I prefer a homocycle.

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Natalie H
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Oh wait, here's one that I think can really help you:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/can_i_make_myself_wetter_or_tighter

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Bicycle? I prefer a homocycle.

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Heather
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I want to also add that if he has never had a sexual partner before, and thus, has no sound basis of comparison, what he's comparing this feeling to is probably what his own masturbation feels like.

How his hand holds his penis isn't something he can compare how a vagina does to well, especially if he grips himself very tightly.

Unless he's just being really jerky -- in which case, I'd just not stay with this person as a sexual partner -- I'd change the conversation here. You can make clear to him that your vagina feels how your vagina feels, which may or may not be what he expected. As well, you can make clear that intercourse also doesn't always feel the same way every day. The way it feels depends on position, on your vagina at THAT time, or that day, and on the hardness of his own erection and other factors.

Then you can tell him that if what he is saying is that he feels like he needs more "grip" or a tighter sensation than intercourse offers, you two can talk about activities where he can get that, such as with manual sex (handjobs).

Not everyone finds intercourse to be all-that, or their favorite thing, and that's okay. None of us are obligated to have any one sexual activity be our favorite, or even to LIKE any one sexual activity.

I'd also perhaps have a conversation with him about ways you two can talk to each other about your expectations and bodies that are more sensitive. You might fill him in on the fact that just like a lot of guys feel hurt or defensive if and when someone suggests they have a small penis, many women feel similarly when someone talks about a "loose vagina." Your sexual relationship should be an emotionally safe space for both of you, and part of making and holding that space involves partners talking to one another about their bodies with care and sensitivity.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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OWL Dan
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It might be helpful to pass along to him that another male, from my experience, said that masturbation and intercourse are not comparable. With masturbation, he is in ‘control’ and has most likely found one or twos ways that feel ‘best’ and sticks with them. With intercourse there are so many variables and not just with your bodies, as Heather mentioned, but both of your emotional and mental ‘moods’ too.

I will definitely agree that constructive conversation is very important in all relationships. This is especially important as you are both at a new stage in your relationship. It might be helpful to let him know that this website is here too.

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Dan

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Ashlie
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Well right now we are both trying to lay off masturbating and just start having more sex.

Will that change anything?

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Cesario
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The one thing it will certainly change is that you'll both get more practice at partnered sex.

Whether you're masturbating or not won't make any difference to that, but it sounds like a lot of what's going on here is a lack of basis for comparison.

I probably can't add much to the excelent suggestions offered so far. I'll second that open communication is important, and that being willing to try different things and see what works best for the two of you is likely to be constructive.

[ 09-26-2010, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: Cesario ]

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lucidkitty
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Some girls swear kegal exercises help with tightness, if that's true or not i don't know lol. I do believe it was fairly rude of him to say that though and i would have had a spiffy retort regarding his ability avalible for such an occasion. He needs to understand that all of us girls are different, and needs to communicate what he thinks would make sex more enjoyable. I once had a friend who had vaginal sex for herself with her bf....but then did anal sex for him because he was like your bf. You could also squeeze your vaginal muscles together during sex to make it more for enjoyable for him. Hope this helped!
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Cesario
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quote:
Originally posted by lucidkitty:
I do believe it was fairly rude of him to say that though and i would have had a spiffy retort regarding his ability avalible for such an occasion.

This seems to fall into "two wrongs don't make a right" territory here.
quote:
Originally posted by lucidkitty:
He needs to understand that all of us girls are different, and needs to communicate what he thinks would make sex more enjoyable.

Seems to me him communicating was what you found to be a problem. He certainly needs to be aware that how he communicates matters, but from the short OP, I don't think we have enough to condemn him as anything worse than ignorant. And the cure for ignorance is knowledge, not scorn.
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lucidkitty
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No his communication was a bit crass is all. He could have simply said that he was used to his hand and it's a bit tighter....maybe we could find a a ways to make it a little more enjoyable for me. And yes 2 wrongs don't make a right, but what can i say other then i am a bitch [Smile] .
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OWL Dan
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Ashlie (and others),
The key thing at this point is communicating with each other, as you try things, as to what feels good, what seems to work better for each of you, and to try to identify what you are wanting from the other one. This may be different each time you’re together as moods and feelings fluctuate. Remember, the “goal” of having sexual activities shouldn’t just be about climaxing, it is about the whole experience of being together. Please, both of you, don’t feel pressured to try things you are not ready for just to try to please the other. I suggest simply going slowly, learning more about each other, and enjoy!

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Dan

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Ashlie
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We do communicate and today we tried again,though yet again it just was not good enough for him....

I'm losing all hope of pleasing him.
He says he loves a "tight" grip for the tip of his penis,anything you can help with that...?

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lucidkitty
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You could try anal sex ashlie for him. I mean like i said i had a friend who would have vaginal sex for her and then anal for him. I imagine you can have sex for you you and then jerk him off. But you 2 just might not be compatible sexually either.
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Heather
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Ashlie, it may also be that he needs to change up his masturbation a little bit to have a grip that is LESS tight so that he can better adapt to sex with partners for activities that aren't about the tight grip of a hand.

In other words, if he's wanting other sexual activities to feel just like that one, or like his own masturbation, that's going to often be -- if not always be -- an unrealistic expectation, just like if you wanted, say, intercourse to feel like oral sex that'd be unrealistic, since those things feel very different.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FigNewton
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This is something that I've experienced actually, I have a similar problem to that of your boyfriend (I don't think my girlfriend is too loose or anything, and I find it uncomfortable if she isn't "loose" ...not that I know what a "tight" vagina is like compared to a "loose" one, as I have none to compare with...) but I masturbate with a very tight grip, and haven't orgasmed from anything that my girlfriend can provide.

Instead of complaining however, I've just learned to enjoy the intimacy and closeness of sex with my partner. When I feel like getting off during sex, I just masturbate. I dunno if this helps with your problem, but maybe your boyfriend could learn to just enjoy the intimacy of sex?

[ 09-30-2010, 11:31 PM: Message edited by: FigNewton ]

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Devanie
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Also, Ashlie. Don't be too hard on yourself, okay? (= I know it can be trying to be in your situation, but there's nothing wrong with you. You're perfectly fine.
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OWL Dan
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Ashlie,
It sounds like you are perfectly normal and this is 'his' problem. You are doing very well with how you are dealing with this issue and are being supportive of him too.
Do you think that he might be receptive with the suggestion of having him come to this site and register? It seems that his expectations are unrealistic and it might be helpful for him to hear feedback directly from others. If/when you suggest this to him, try to keep your comments on the positive approach; like: how helpful it has been for you, how much you may have learned, and that there may be answers to questions he may not have even thought of yet.
Remember, you are perfectly normal, keep taking care of yourself, and not to be pressured into anything that you aren’t ready for or wanting to do just to try and please him.

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Dan

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Ashlie
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I want to give up.

He says he feels nothing really and that it is not enjoyable,he cannot even "keep it up" due to not feeling the pleasure he wants.

What do I do with that?
D:

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September
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Ashlie, have you shared with your partner the things that you have been told here? Have you two tried to see if manual stimulation feels better for him?

Obviously, if you're just done and aren't interested in trying anymore, you two should stop, at least for the time being.

But there's no reason to assume that you're doomed to have sex that doesn't feel good to him if you've only been trying one thing.

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Johanna
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OWL Dan
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Joey's right about taking a break for awhile. At this point there seems to be too much pressure for both of you to "perform" and this alone could prevent him from not only climaxing, but also experiencing “pleasure”. Because of this you may miss something that would have worked had the emotional roadblocks been removed. A break may also help both of you return your focus to the emotional pleasures of being together and sharing the other things you enjoy. I, again, agree that the two of you are not doomed to never having intercourse; it maybe that this isn’t the right time and that you may try again when the expectations are more relaxed and realistic. Please let him know that he welcomed to join us here too and it may be helpful to hear the insight of other guys and gals experiences; this is something I wish I had available when I was younger.

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Dan

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Kachina
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I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and I am also his first, and he has never been able to orgasm from anything I can do. We don't really view it as a "problem", when he wants to orgasm, we just masturbate together. He thinks it'd be nice if he could come during intercourse, but we've tried quite a few things and none of it has worked. But we still have great sex, so it doesn't have to be a problem! He shouldn't expect to orgasm from some certain way, everyone is different! Most girls don't orgasm from intercourse, after all.

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~Kat
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Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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