To me it means being reasonably similar in what we like to do sexually. Not that we necessarily get off simultaneously or anything, but that we both enjoy similar things and with similar frequency and length of encounters.
Sex is very important to me, it's one of my favorite things to do with someone I love, so I have ended relationships over sexual incompatibility. One the guy just never really wanted sex. Another the guy was only into vanilla, missionary position sex, which doesn't really do it for me. I need a guy who is curious to explore, to find new pleasure spots, and spend hours playing together.
-------------------- ~Kat Scarleteen Volunteer
I never am really satisfied that I understand anything; because, understand it well as I may, my comprehension can only be an infinitesimal fraction of all I want to understand. - Ada Lovelace Posts: 819 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009
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What Kat said basically sums it up for me to a T. If someone doesn't want sex the near the same amount as me, of doesn't want to try new things then i won't stay.
Posts: 84 | From: baltimore,maryland | Registered: Sep 2010
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What one means by relationship really influences my answers on something like this.
If we're talking about an exclusive sexual relationship, then being very compatible is going to be a huge issue. If we're talking about something open/nonexclusive, it's less important, and if I or the other person aren't sure yet what kind of relationship, period, we want to be having -- sexual, romantic, friendship, etc. -- then it's even less so, as I always want to be taking time to feel out what kind of relationship is really the best fit between myself and someone else.
When it comes to how I define compatibility, I'm generally looking for my very favorite things and the other person's to be in pretty good alignment, for our communication styles to work together well, for our sexual ethics and politics to be in good alignment, and for some kind of overlapping circles of things we both like or want to try that maybe aren't our very favorite, but are things we both like. Frequency is less of a big issue for me (particularly since I'm used to being the one running higher than partners, and am fine with scaling back if needed to fit them best), especially since more times than not, I walk into sexual and/or romantic relationships in a model that can usually be opened up if that's something that we want.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63244 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Sexual compatibility is a pretty big thing for me. How we are going to handle safer sex: birth control cost, condom cost ect. is on of the things I am hardest on about besides frequency. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm going to be sexually active i wouldn't be on the pill. And I wouldn't need if it I was sexually active by myself. Sex has not happened in relationships before because a male bodied partner didn't think it was his responsibility to half the cost of birth control and condoms.
Frequency is another big one. I have a very high sex drive and sex is a big thing for a long term exclusive relationship. I'm not sure it would be a deal breaker but something would need to be negotiated. Aside form that being open to new things ranks up there.
Like Heather said as well, matching styles of communication are very important. When it comes right down to it, for me, sex = communication. No communication, no sex.
For me, sexual compatibility has several facets.
I'm a bit of a geek about sex. It's a huge part of my work here on ST as well as of my academic work, so I think about it a lot and I talk about it a lot and so for me, a partner knowing a thing or two about sex and being very comfortable with talking about sex is a big part of compatibility. A certain level of curiosity and openness is definitely a must.
Along with that goes some amount of awareness about and knowledge of safer sex, STIs and birth control. I don't want to have to be the one who has to start all of those conversations. I think it's pretty sexy when a partner tells me about their last STI test before I get the chance to ask.
And, obviously, when it comes to sex itself, sexual compatibility is liking more or less the same sexual activities and wanting sex at more or less the same frequency. And obviously that's actually a little less important than the rest when the relationship is an open one, or if the sex is only a one-time thing.
Would I end a relationship if we're not sexually compatible? Yes. Sex is pretty important to me in a lot of ways, and it would be pretty tough for me to work something out with a partner who just felt radically different.
[ 10-12-2010, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: September ]
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8422 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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