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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Asking Him Not to Masturbate

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Author Topic: Asking Him Not to Masturbate
Member # 46108

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I'd just like to give you a little background before I ask my question: I'm a 22-year-old female who has been sexually active for almost a year with one male partner whom I love and who loves me. I'm also new to this website.

Um, my question is this: is it wrong of me to ask my partner not to masturbate? I'm trying to figure out what my problem is ... Now, I don't mind when he jerks off, (in fact, I love thinking about him doing it!), but our sex is better when neither one of us masturbates for a long time. But I feel like maybe it's not right of me to ask him to withhold from that if he really wants to. I don't ask him to abstain from it often, but when I do ask him, am I being unfair? I love him very much, and he's so good to me ... I feel like maybe I'm kind of being a jerk to him.

Thank you for your help!


Posts: 2 | From: Boston | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I really don't think it's fair to ask someone not to have their own sexual life that is their own, without a partner, but that doesn't involve other partners, no.

In a word, it's asking someone not to do something that makes them feel good in their body, just like, say, exercising, or taking a long bath.

Does HE feel you two have better sex when he doesn't masturbate? What is it you feel is better when he doesn't? It's very likely you can get what you want without basically controlling your partner's body on his own time.

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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 46311

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I'd tell him your concerns and see what he thinks about your perception that your sex life is better when he doesn't masturbate.
Posts: 6 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 45169

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I wouldn't like it of a guy asked me not to masturbate. It's my body and I would think that's controlling and very unfair. Like I masturbate sometimes to cure a headache or get sleepy so it's not even just sexual.

Why do you think the sex is better when you two don't masturbate? Is it a physical thing or an emotional one?

Posts: 10 | From: Europe | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 46596

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Sorry to be a naysayer, but no, I don't think that's a fair thing to ask of your partner. Maybe like someone said above, ask him if he agrees that your sex is better when the two of you abstain? [Confused] I wouldn't want my partner to ask me that.
Posts: 3 | From: Texas | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 46007

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I've been in a slightly similar situation where my boyfriend would sometimes masturbate instead of have sex with me. For example, I'd be waiting and hoping for us to have sex one night, and he'd go take a shower and masturbate in the shower and then his penis would be too sore for us to have sex.

It was really frustrating, but ultimately of course it's his choice. It's hard for me to understand why my boyfriend would ever prefer masturbating to having sex with me/getting a blow job from me - mostly because I personally vastly prefer partnered sex over masturbating (masturbating just doesn't really work for me) - but a lot of guys (and girls obviously) really do enjoy masturbating in addition to having sex with a partner, or sometimes even moreso.
So I totally sympathize. But I doubt there's much you can do.

[ 04-09-2010, 03:51 PM: Message edited by: Lilerse ]

Posts: 219 | From: Indiana | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 47022

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Oh, you can ask him not to masturbate, but good luck actually enforcing it.

It's his junk, after all. It's not like he put it in a mason jar and gave it to you for safekeeping when he became your boyfriend. He can and will masturbate if he wants to and you really can't do anything to stop him, short of keeping his wedding tackle under lock and key (not that I want to give you ideas and hey, some people actually enjoy that.)

You'd be justified in asking him to alter his masturbation habits if he was masturbating instead of having sex with you, or if he couldn't get it up for the rest of the day after masturbating.

That being said, I do feel that your reason for asking him to abstain for you is valid. It sounds like you get a little bit of a sexual thrill from asking him to abstain before sex. Maybe it's a domination thing, or maybe it's having him that horny and desperate for you when you're having sex turns you on. I've heard from other people, and experienced it myself, that when you're unable to have an orgasm for a while, the next orgasm you have is all the more intense for that period of abstinence.

I think you should keep doing what you're doing. You don't say that you're boyfriend is complaining when you ask him to do this. It sounds like he thinks that being with you it worth abstaining or, more likely, pretending to abstain, from masturbation for you. Plenty of couples have the same agreement when it comes to porn- one partner says they won't look at it and consumes it in secret, while the other pretends their partner doesn't look at porn and doesn't go looking for the other's porn. What you need to do is suspend your disbelief and pretend that he's really not masturbating when he's away. If you can do that, you both get to have your cake and eat it too- you get to have your sexual interest indulged, and he still gets his alone time without being pestered about it.

Posts: 39 | From: United States | Registered: May 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 51438

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I'd be pretty pissed if my partner asked me that, mainly because I need it to get to sleep, and also because it's <i>my</i> body, not his.


Posts: 11 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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