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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » Is "nice" sexy?

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Author Topic: Is "nice" sexy?
Heather
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I have a wide-open and very general question for y'all here, based on something I was just thinking about and starting to write about. Would be interested to hear your thoughts on it.

Is "nice" sexy? Is being both nice and sexual something you think is considered erotic or sexually exciting by most people, or by yourself?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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PenguinBoy
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I'd say yes, and that it should be... I get the impression that when people believe that sex is bad, they also come to think that bad is sexy...

When sex is seen as good, I'd think that any other positive aspect of someone would just add to it... I'd certainly think I'd have better sex with someone who I thought was a great person who I'd think of as "nice"...

Nice can sound quite mild though... like sometimes nice means pretty and well behaved and meek/submissive, when said by some people?

But when it means being caring and positive... definitely sexy.

[ 02-18-2010, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: PenguinBoy ]

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bluejumprope
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Nice has two meanings to me: A synonym for bland and possibly meaning just "nice" on the surface. And genuinely nice: kind, gentle, thoughtful, respectful.

I'm going to assume you mean the second one, in which case: Totally. People who are nice are very sexy to me.

People who make me feel at ease or valued often seem sexy to me. When I see someone who I think is attractive be tender with someone else, that can be very sexy. It reveals a kind of self-assuredness and care that I find erotic.

I think a big element of someone being sexually exciting to me is feeling safe with them, or feeling like I can be myself around them in ways I can't with everyone. Feeling relaxed is essential to me feeling aroused, and I don't think I can feel relaxed around someone who isn't nice.

I can sometimes fantasize about sex with someone who isn't nice--maybe someone who I think looks really cool or beautiful in superficial ways, but who I wouldn't want as a friend. If I shift over to thinking about "real life" though, I have trouble imagining being aroused with those sorts of people if we were to actually be sexual. It's much easier for me to fantasize about the girl who smiled at me, and looked really nice. [Smile]

(With BDSM play too, which maybe doesn't seem automatically "nice" to everyone, what's sexy for me requires authentic niceness--care, friendliness--containing it.)

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without tenderness, we are in hell. -Adrienne Rich

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Ecofem
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I'm with Jacob and bluejumprope on "nice" being a good thing when it's used to mean kind, caring, compassionate and the like. Of course, those are important things for a positive sexual relationship! [Smile] Still, I wouldn't really want to be just called "nice" because it does feel negative, like someone's trying to talk around saying something mean, sort of how people might use "interesting" to describe something they actually found bad or weird.

However, what immediately came to mind was a negative connotation, like how you sometimes hear things like "Girls always want the bad guys, they don't want a nice guy like me..." followed by a very not nice thing like "those bitches!" I can also think of how people will talk about grown women being "nice girls" versus "naughty girls," like how it'll be used in some mainstream porn titles or bylines.

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Jill2000Plus
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I think nice is sexy, if it's meant in the sense of kind, caring, loving, my partner is very nice in that sense and zie turns me on a lot, zie's just lovely. I think that nice can also mean somebody who makes you feel very secure and who's trustworthy in the good sense that everyone's been talking about. "Nice guys" (tm) of the "why don't women like me" variety are not good though. But genuine niceness is wonderful and extremely sexy.

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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eryn_smiles
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I tend to think of "nice" very separately from "sexy". Usually not in the same sentence.

If I was going to be sleeping with someone, which I haven't done yet, I'd surely want them to be nice. But just in terms of who I find sexy, it's not really related to whether they're nice or not. I think I'm lucky to know a great many kind and nice people, but most of them, I don't find sexy.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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rambly_rosa
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Nice is totally sexy! Nice people are empathetic, caring, and giving - all traits that would lend themselves quite well to the bedroom...

I think the reason why "niceness" is painted as unsexy in our culture is because sex is often treated as "bad" or "dirty" or "naughty". Therefore, only people who are a little bit "bad" can be sexy.

Niceness also seems to be treated as a particularly unsexy trait for males... probably linked to stereotypes of masculinity as tough, strong, and dominant. For some reason, American culture paints dominance as masculine and sexy, and "niceness" as the antithesis of strength. I don't agree with either idea.

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Michelle Ravel
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There are sort of two ways I think of the word "nice".

If by "nice" we mean kind, considerate, and giving, then yes--that's sexy.

If by "nice" we are referring to the phenomenon of the 'nice guy'--the passive-agressive, misogynist jerk with unrealistic romantic expectations--then no, nothing is less sexy than that kind of 'nice guy'.

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Dirigibles
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quote:
Originally posted by Michelle Ravel:
There are sort of two ways I think of the word "nice".

If by "nice" we mean kind, considerate, and giving, then yes--that's sexy.

If by "nice" we are referring to the phenomenon of the 'nice guy'--the passive-agressive, misogynist jerk with unrealistic romantic expectations--then no, nothing is less sexy than that kind of 'nice guy'.

I think this is exactly correct.
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