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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Ethics and Politics » why is it control??

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Author Topic: why is it control??
jessonli95
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Reading other topics about things such as, Who's on top; Why are virgins more appealing to men; and other topics.. there's always a reference back to, its the man, he wants to be in control.

I hope people read this topic because I dont think it's always about being in control. I think some girls take it a bit too seriously.

Taking it a bit too seriously, meaning that... well a girl being on top is just the same reasons, it's either control, or pleasure. I dont see why it usually only refers back to the men.

I like to have an open mind when reading these posts, but things such as that dont mix well with me =P.

I'd love to hear what other guys and girls have to say about this.

Thanks

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<3Jess

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Let's also leave some room here -- and I think it also helps unpack some of the gender stereotypes inherent in all of this -- for the fact that not everyone's partner's are opposite-sex, okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Jill2000Plus
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I think that anyone who prefers a virgin for a partner has probably got some kind of control issue, if it's about STIs, that's what getting tested regularly is for, and none of the other reasons I've heard for it are logical either. With the "who's on top" thing, I do think that the popular portrayal of men as always on top for vaginal intercourse is linked to cultural beliefs that men should be in power and dominant, but that doesn't mean that's the motivation for all individual men who find being on top more physically pleasurable and maybe a more comfortable position for their body (and who understand if their female partners don't like being on the bottom, or penetrated at all for that matter), or that women partnering with men who like being on the bottom are submissive either sexually or in general. I would argue that it's more likely for a man to associate being on top in a het partnership with domination than it is for a woman, because I think men generally are more likely to be taught that sex is a way that they dominate others than women are, but that's not all men. It's like how there's a view that girls should like pink, one can point out that this is often what somebody who sees a girl wearing pink will think without that meaning that one thinks girls who do like pink must only like it because that's what they've been taught in all cases (I think that the conditioning has a huge impact, but there will still be a fair few boys and girls who do just like pink, as with any colour).

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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orca
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quote:
I think some girls take it a bit too seriously.
Just want to point out here that this statement comes off as kind of inconsiderate or dismissive of people's concerns about abuse. Abuse is serious, and I don't think it's ever taking something "too seriously" to be on the look-out for signs of abuse in any given relationship. You might say that sometimes people can misinterpret other's actions, and I would have no quarrel with that. But I do take issue to the idea that discussing any of this is taking things "too seriously." It's serious stuff.

Reading through those threads, I also see that there was never only one reason given, but rather a lot of different possible reasons were explored. Yes, it is good to keep an open mind and not jump to conclusions, but it's also important to acknowledge signs of potential abuse (and controlling behavior is a big sign of abuse) and to acknowledge unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Perhaps I'm not understanding what you mean here. Could you explain a bit more what exactly bothers you about those discussions? If you feel a certain side was not given voice in those discussions, you are always welcome to weigh in on them yourself.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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jessonli95
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Orca. I didn't mean the too seriously part in that way, maybe i didnt word that right... I meant, well it's hard to explain.

You know the term Struggle for Dominance. Control is a main factor. Not abuse-wise. I mean, in wanting to, both people. I feel that the virgin, and on top thing, is just. it seems a bit biased to me. Not sure how to put it. Definartly not trying to hurt anyone..

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<3Jess

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jessonli95
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And the abuse subject, even the same thing, with control, its not all men abusing females or other males. Males can easily be abused. Sorry to offend, but there was a boy abused in the parking lot by his teacher. She was caught and jailed.. but the control factor, in which forums i've read, refer to men being "control-freaks"

this is just my view mixed in with a few other friends.

And sorry again about if my post hurt someone. I have a hard time understanding concepts such as that. I'm in a community that's.. sorta, gated off from the rest of the world. My teachers say its a much more contained town/county. SO once again, my apologies.

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<3Jess

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orca
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That's why I didn't use any gender specific pronouns. [Wink] Abuse can happen to anyone and anyone can be an abuser. We've had victims and survivors of every gender who were abused by people of every gender here at Scarleteen.

I'm sorry you've come across those kinds of statements. I should hope, though, that you won't find anything like that here. If you do, we ask that people report any posts that engage in harrassment or discrimination via the "Report Post" feature located at the bottom of every post. No one gender is inherently obessed with control or dominance. As Jill pointed out, a lot of this stuff has to do with how people are socialized and what behaviors they are taught are acceptable growing up. We can say, though, that abusers, whether male, female, trans, or intersex, are often obsessed with maintaining the power and the control in a relationship.

If you want, we'd be more than glad to suggest some readings to you, since you mention living in a community that's somewhat gated off.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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jessonli95
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yes thatd be great. I've heard and read some stories before. But i'd rather be knowlegdable than ignorant. [Smile]

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<3Jess

Posts: 15 | From: New York | Registered: Aug 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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